I feel like no one is really there for me
Posted , 11 users are following.
I'm 19 and have been suffering from depression, anxiety and binge eating disorder for the past 7 months and I am currently taking fluoxitine 20mg. I started taking the pills about a month ago and whilst I am starting to see some benefits, i.e. some positive days, I am still quite up and down in my mood and when I feel bad, I feel really bad. My anxiety plays up, and then I become either extremely sad, numb or angry. What has made me feel worse recently is the fact that no one seems to really care. I mean, my family know that I am taking anti depressants but they don't truly seem to listen to me, instead I get the feeling that they think I am over exaggerating. For example, if I try to open up about my insecurities (which is one of the reasons I have become so depressed) they disregard it as a phase every teenager goes through, when in actually fact it has made me self loathe and hate who I am. My older sister who is also clinical depressed even said that my feelings are 'moderate' and that you can only truly know if you are depressed if you have kids. But the worst thing is, people have seen me on a positive day and so expect me to just 'snap out' of it when im feeling my worst. I don't expect anyone to understand, I would just like to know people care and will be there for me no matter what.
The thing that has got to me the most recently is that I believe that I give more than I receive, meaning I seem to care for people more than they care for me. For example, my closest friend found out her boyfriend cheated on her recently, and despite my own issues, I was there for her, day or night, comforting her and making sure she didn't feel alone- something I wouldnt wish upon anyone. I have experienced nights when I just cry because i feel so lonely and hate my own company, which is why I was more than willing to be on the phone to her all night even if she protested. I would send her little quotes to make herself feel better about herself because I know what its like to have your confidence knocked. But when Ive been down, she doesn't stay up with me or make nowhere near as much effort as I do. It pains me to say that because I am aware of how selfish it sounds- but I am not saying I wouldn't do any of that stuff again for her because I would and will continue to do so. I guess I would just like someone to be there for me in that way. I've given up on trying to open up to my other friends because they don't get how bad I feel or why i feel that bad. I feel like i need to pretend im happy all the time because i dont want to be seen as miserable. I just feel so lost and empty and I have had enough of trying to reach out to people.
2 likes, 17 replies
michael_37726 leanna15988
Posted
Honey people do care about you its just that most people don't understand how your feeling and they feel hopless and end up trying to avoid you because they just don't not what to say or do. The only one that really knows how you feel is you and know one knows what it's like to have depression unless they have it there self . You have done very good thing by coming on here sweetheart because we all fully understand you. We are all in the same boat, I know what you mean about helping others and them not helping you as that's what happens to me. I always put others before myself and I'm not sure but maybe it's because I feel helpless to myself and by helping others it makes me feel better in myself. Some people will take advantage of that and that's the problem. Please don't think your alone and that know one cares because I do and every one else on this forum does I'm sure of that . Your more than welcome to talk to me anytime your like I will always reply to you.
leanna15988 michael_37726
Posted
Thank you so much for replying and your kind words, I really needed this tonight. It just got to the stage where I felt so alone and upset that I had to come on here and find comfort in the fact that there are several others in the same boat. I know that people care, deep down I do, its just my mind plays games with me and because I've become such an insecure person, its easier to think no one cares or no one is there for me. I definitely agree that helping others can make you feel better. I think its because we know exactly how it feels to be feeling so low we wouldn't want anyone to feel that way. I'm glad I found this forum and I'm glad you've replied as I feel some kind of relief.
michael_37726 leanna15988
Posted
Take care x
AnonymousWoman leanna15988
Posted
I am so sorry that you are going through such a tough time. I could relate to SO much of what you said though, really.
It is true, people care but they don't fully understand and your depression tricks you, telling you they don't. I also can get very anxious, especially about maintaining relationships, I think due to fear of rejection, possibly because I never fit in when I was younger and I was bullied when I was in school . . . Anyways, things will get better. Are you seeing a therapist at all? I think that could really helpful for you as it would teach you how to deal with your depression/anxiety instead of relying on meds alone (I'm not saying don't take meds, just saying I think it's better to do meds + therapy!)
Is there any friend who you have told in detail how you feel? If they don't know, they can't help you. I know that some people aren't very good at dealing with things like that but perhaps you can think of a friend you could tell that wouldn't freak out and would just listen non-judgementally and be able to support you.
I hope things get better for you. Hang on in there
anonymousgirl
xxxxx
leanna15988 AnonymousWoman
Posted
Thanks so much, really means a lot! Its just these irrational thoughts going through my mind, such as everyone's going to leave me because they don't know how to handle my illness. I hate being alone so that's what scares me the most! But at the same time I'm also scared that these thoughts are eventually going to push the people closest to me away and I couldn't bear that. The worst thing is, I am my own worst enemy because I expect people to be a certain way, perhaps the way I'd be when someone needs me or relies on me. And when they don't support me the way I want to be supported, I get annoyed at them, myself and the situation. Is that really bad? Because I feel awful for it
deep down I know everyone reacts differently and depression isn't the easiest thing to understand but that they're there for me in their own way.
My university offered me four counselling sessions before the term finished and I think I definitely benefited from those. I feel like I'm in limbo at the moment though because that's finished and I'm still waiting to hear back from the counselling service my doctor referred me to after they did a telephone assessment with me over the phone.
I will definitely keep in contact on here whilst I'm waiting because getting these things off my chest has been relieving and I really appreciate your support! And I will definitely be around to support you and everyone else, we're all in this together!!
Thanks, Leanna xxx
AnonymousWoman leanna15988
Posted
that's not bad at all! I have felt the exact same way.
That's great news, I know it can be tough waiting on therapy. I had 5 counselling sessions in semester 1 of college this year and 6 in semester 2, I didn't really feel ready to leave therapy but i'm in my final year so I didn't have a choice. I'm on a waiting list now to go to a service for young people but it is tough waiting and things definitely do take a dip when you leave counselling when you're not ready. And sometimes parents see that you're doing better with counselling and think "You're fine now" and don't realise when you get down again that it's because it was through the support of therapy that you had an upturn in mood and that you need that support until you feel ready to go on your own. When they see you get down then they can be frustrated that you've regressed and worried for you and sometimes they can express that the wrong way.
Do keep in contact with us,
anonymousgirl xx
AnonymousWoman leanna15988
Posted
I have definitely felt like this too and sometimes I have come to realise that perhaps I give too much, rather than other people give too little. And they will never appreciate how much you give because not behaving the same way themselves, they don't realise the sacrifices you make and effort you put in to help them/be a good friend. As I said to someone else on here, sometimes the best friends DON'T tell their friend everything they have done for them (eg stand up for them when they are not there and not tell them something hurtful that was said about them behind their back so their feelings aren't hurt) and that is true and genuine friendship and generosity but if we do this too much, we leave ourselves open to be taken advantage of or walked over because people get used to thinking that we "don't mind" or we "ususally do it". It is nice to help people but I think that it is important not to go out of your way to help someone, unless you know they deserve it (i.e. they would do the same for you). I know it can sound selfish saying it to us who are not used to behaving like that but the truth is it's survival and you DO have to look after yourself as your first priority because not many people in this world will put your wellbeing over their own.
leanna15988 AnonymousWoman
Posted
Also, if you don't mind me asking, how have you been able to cope with university when you've felt/feel the way you do? I had a breakdown in May and therefore my exams got deferred to August. But the way I'm feeling or have felt in the last 7 months, I just can't function in that area anymore!
AnonymousWoman leanna15988
Posted
I sat two exams in May as I figured it would be easier to have some out of the way as I knew facing into 7 exams in August (I am doing a diploma on top of my degree, I like it but definitely should have done it in 1st and 2nd year rather than 3rd and 4th year! :P) and having it hanging over me the whole summer would be worse than breaking it up. . . So, I got my results recently. I failed one of the exams I sat at summer even though I knew I had because I had a panic attack at the start/during the exam. I knew that I had gone about the study the wrong way and managed my time very badly and I just wasn't ready for the exam. I was going to defer it at the last minute but I decided to just try and sit it and see as I had planned on getting two out of the way. I am glad I did sit it as at least I know I tried and I am not disappointed I failed (even though I'm used to getting As!) as I knew I was not prepared at all for that exam and I knew I had put in the effort to study but just didn't study for it the right way. . .
So now, I am left with 6 exams in August - 4 for my course and 2 for my diploma. I have started studying for the course exams now for the last two weeks. Study wasn't going very well until the Friday. I went into college to study instead of studying at home and that just seemed to help me settle down. The max amount of study I am doing in a day now is 4 hours even though I used to be able to manage 10 or even 12 hours study in a day before if I had to. But I figure it's good quality study and I'm getting more into it so I'm on the right track.
I am behind on my schedule that I made out at the start but I have tweaked it around and I am trying to catch up. I am glad I gave myself 8 weeks to study as it allowed time for the 2 crappy weeks trying to get into the swing of things! It was a struggle at first but I have been quite happy the past few days and I feel like I can do this. What is keeping me going is knowing that I have 6 weeks left of study and less than 2 weeks of exams. If I pass my exams, I will graduate with my classmates in October. If I don't, I have to repeat a whole year of college and I really don't want to do that. So I am just trying to tell myself all the time, "You're nearly there so you might as well get these out of the way. You put in so much work in the first three years that you deserve to do well this year so it's you that has to do the work and you're nearly there so you can do it!". I also find it much easier now that I am not attending lectures/around other students who were flying it at the study and when they would realise I was deferring they'd ask why/feel jealous that I had more time (if only they knew what they were missing out on!!). . . Anyways, onwards and upwards!
I think you need to look after yourself first and foremost and take it easy on yourself to do as much study as you can. The more your anxiety/depression lessens, the easier it will be to focus on study. But you definitely can't just push the anxiety/depression to one side to start studying. As my doc said "your psyche is screaming at you that there is something wrong and you need to address it". So you need to work on it as your first priority and improvement in study will follow.
Hope this helps,
anonymousgirl x
Wings_of_the_Pegasus leanna15988
Posted
I'll try an keep this short.
Ok first of all your sister dont know s**t about depression and having kids has nothing to do with depression either.
Everything else though is how i am i.e been their for friends but when i need someone theirs no one their but over the past 10 years ive grown a thick shell wherein i dont rely on anyone or expect anyone to be their.
My family know an are kinda their but i dont talk to them period nothing good ever comes out of it an besides my problems are mine not the entire countries an if i told my mother you can bet your life that people around the uk will know about it within 10 minutes of me telling her.
Now if you need anyone to talk to confidentially then im always here an i find that by helping other people with their problems also helps me with mine.
AnonymousWoman leanna15988
Posted
Hope you are getting on better,
Agirl xxx
mona74100 leanna15988
Posted
Dear leanna15988
I empathize how u feel. Iam battling depression and anxiety for 22 yrs till now. The fact that we always felt alone and no one understand we go through its harder for us to cope. It's not easy for us to let others tell us that "it's just sadness" no it isn't just sadness what we go through is deeper than that. The most painful of all when the people we love disregard us and make fun of our situation. It get worst the people suppose to be there for you will make u feel more insecure and feel shameful by rubbing certain situation passive intentionally to you. Some part inside me went numb because the life I know isn't the same as others. There are moments I wish I rather not be around. I grew to hate myself and have distorted self image of me. I do understand how you feel and what u are going through. My advice for you simple u are beautiful and worthy of love.
akash88222 leanna15988
Posted
akash88222 leanna15988
Posted
dj13366 leanna15988
Posted
Leanna, Hi my name is DJ and I am 26 years old. I know exactly how you feel. In fact I'm on this website right now because I feel the same way. I feel that I always give to everyone else but when I need people the most they are hardly ever there for me. Let me tell you my story.
So recently I came back in contact with a friend of mine who I met back in college in 2014. She used to live in New Jersey where I currently reside but moved back to Michigan this past summer. Her and her boyfriend broke up and she moved back home. Long story short, I was basically there for her every single time she needed me and never once judged her for anything. We were never really more than friends due to us being so far apart but there was definitely a mutual feeling of love for one another. Fast forward to now and she proceeds to tell me that she met some guy in Michigan and that she's crazy about him. She decided to tell me this out of the blue. I'm pretty much heartbroken and I feel like a piece of crap. Let me tell you though, these trying times you experience throughout life are the true test. These are the times when you must dig deep inside yourself and find the courage to continue. You must love yourself no matter what happens. Always know that you are great and the good things you do for people don't go unoticed even though sometimes it may feel like they do. Most people don't have the same heart and the same level of care that you have, and I believe the same goes for me.
Life can get really tough and I know the feeling that nobody is on your side. You feel like nobody gets you. Well we may have never met, but I get you. I understand. Take it easy.