I feel so alone, trapped in my nightmare!

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Hey guys, its me agin (yawn) I just hope writing it down will help. Iam not so sure I write what I mean ahlf the time. I so love my children and inturn it makes me want to love him, it just hurts so soo much. I feel really old, with no confidence whatsoever, i donthtink hes a bad man at all, I think he has been up against sh1t too.

Right now I am shaking, i dont know what to do with my life. Ha;f of me would rather not think about it. Maybe its normal for a relationshp to go poor after 10 years, and maybe as I have not been open about prior things, maybe he could be forgiven. I am truly confused!

I am now tring to read this back want to howl, but no tears will flow, stomach incredble pains, but hey Ill get over this, ive been over worse. Love to you all, hope you can understand my pain,

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  • Posted

    Oh my dearest Katy

    No one and I mean NO ONE can tell you how you feel about him - sadly that is down to you and you alone.

    Download it all here hun and get it out but it will never, ever change what you are feeling inside.

    He will always be special to you because he is the father of your children.

    You have to do what YOU think is right, not me, not anyone can decide that for you.

    It doesn't matter if a thousand people posted here telling you to leave him - you will do what you want to do in the end because only you know what it is that makes you happy or sad, depressed or anxious.

    Fingers crossed for you Katy that your councilling will help - until then keep posting your mixed up thoughts here............... goodness knows I have and probably will continue to.

    love 'n' hugs

    Melbi xxx

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  • Posted

    Hi melbi, i am so confused about things now, so confused - maybe hes hard of hearing or something. I dont know. But it really hurts that he has the nice bedroom, does not seem to miss me [b:e3965c05d4]at all.[/b:e3965c05d4] :cry: Tells me i am a bad mum, gives me no support when I tick my children off, he always comes out with the other side, to make sure they know that there is always 2 sides to an argument. i dont know, maybe I just lack self-respect or something. i am terrified of being alone again. everytime I am alone , something really really awful happens. Think I am jinxed!!! ( :oops: :P huh, maker of my own luck).

    Melbi, i am fed up thinking about it all, Fed up!! I got scared last night when children werent here, and he was drinking really fast, and I tried to talk to him. Though I cant now!! But I want to.

    Huh, Melbi, me thinks this is funny, hes going to doc to speak to him about my probs :lol: maybe my doc could say\"gee boy, maybe you should just leave her then\" :lol: Save me some work!!! \"She obviously has some sort of personality disorder, maybe its rubbed on you a little, these things tend to happen after years of abuse, Really, youshould give her a break and just move out\" :oops: :lol: Oh well, suppose theres always confidentiality :lol:

    Well after that , how are you melbi?

    Nothing is ever going to be perfect!!

    I had such a weird dream last night, like somethingtrying to sort my thouts out - made sense, but to private to talk on here, anyway, take care everyone, going back to sleep.

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  • Posted

    Hi TT and sorry to hear you are having a rough time.

    As i've said before, words can seem so inadequate when you sense the pain in someone and there is nothing practical that you can do to help.

    Melbi is right, I think though; only you can decide what is right for you. What decision will help you move on, take your life to a better place and escape from a cycle of wretchedness that you seem to be trapped in.

    One thought occurs to me. If your partner ignores you, have you thought of writing down all the things that upset you in a letter to him? Perhaps encourage him to do the same. You might then be able to find some common ground or at least a place to start talking?

    Please don't think I'm preaching. I would never do that. Just a suggestion that you're free to do with as you please. Because it is [b:5a6f1f5bc3]your[/b:5a6f1f5bc3] life.

    Try to stay strong and find again the positive, go get 'em Katy that was posting here a couple of weeks back.

    Best regards.

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  • Posted

    Hi Stiltman, no i dont think i would be able to write it down, if I did :shock: :lol: there would have to be a huge bonfire in our backgarden, but hey, it might kill off a few bumble bees. Though something seems to have happened to the bumbles this year, They seem so easy to catch and die really quickly with my fly spray!! Its a shame they sting, i think they are really cute otherewise. :oops: Side tracked again!!!

    I dont knkow what to do!!! Loosin a battle, sigh!!! Thats never going to end. :cry: :oops: :roll: :cry:

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  • Posted

    Hey guys, I am bored in my pyjamas, and thinking all these mad thoughts about what I am going o do for entertainment at work. Hope you guys have good imaginations...i have. I git such a beamer doing up manequins fly on Friday that lnext time i am going to put something at his fly position , put his hand near it (although had done that for a laugh on friday ad nobody noticed, well actually they did, they said I had to lock their hands in certain postions) :lol: :oops: Well, yes, I know where i am going to lock it, and thenI am going to draw a big smiley face :oops: He he take that men!!!!!!!

    Then on the womns side...........

    Right then I am away for a shower.

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  • Posted

    I think the moderators are on strike :oops: :lol: :P
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  • Posted

    [quote:3bfad9f19b=\"Tiny Tears\"]I think the moderators are on strike :oops: :lol: :P[/quote:3bfad9f19b]

    So it would seem Katy but at least you've found something to make you smile!! :D :D :D

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  • Posted

    :roll: Yeah, so I went for my shower, oh gawdy , right , I thought sod that hard work to look good, so attacked my fake tan bottle , yes threw it all over my body , god knows Ill look like a walking streak tom, but hey , who cares. then i tried to get my clothes on, as i had to as his dads here and I didnt want to walk about the house with my dressing gown on, so right :lol: the fake tan has not yet dried and I got stuck in my dress....so it goes rip.....who cares its only a Monsoon dress :lol: only cost me a fiver, :lol: I should take it back, claim it a manufacturers fault.

    Listening to Blondie...bugger, moses supposes i should do some housework.

    :lol: My sister is funny, went on a speed boat yesterday, with god knows how many dresses on...you dont want to know about what we think about having a bulimic disorder inour family, yeah I ate and ate and ate, threw up, so I could do it all over agian, GGGRrrreat! as I aint allowed any other vices. Perfect way to kill time.......(Iam just cheeking if the moderators are in check, Im not really this bad!!!!)

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  • Posted

    This is bad. I need some understanding here. I keep looking at my wrists and thinking...I could do it, I could!!(I dont like thinking this, my fluffy girls are home and need me) I want to be sprightly happy mummy again. I feel like I ammissing years of their lives due to my anguish and stress, yet there doesnt seem a lot anyone can do for me.

    I feel guilty knowing that there are so many people suffering REAL sicknesses , which possibly if I had one , it would snap me out of this hell I live in. I just feel everyone controls me, the only time I took it on myself to say \"No, this is my life\" was when I fell pregnant both times. I was strong then , and thinking, these little miracles will only happen to me once , and I so adore my children , but hope the eff that nothing ever happens to them.

    Sometimes things cant be helped , I was thinking that today, I was thinking yes mum was not there for me as she was just getting over the death of her very own father, my friends were not there as they were studying, I need to stop blaiming other and appreciate that it is my own fault, Maybe I should have gone for help a lnog time ago, but I myself did not realise how traumatised I was, I always had something to distract me, something to get on with, I kept on going and going and going, until evetually crack! Ouch!! What a nightmare. I am now so alone with it all, so alone. Its not just the sorry i dont like that word, but its the run up to events that I find so god damn disturbing and in my mind I so blame the facts that my parents never poke to one an other. i just feel totally unloved, yet have so much to give.

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  • Posted

    Hi all,

    Katy, you raise so many points, and so many of them say the same thing. It's called depression, sweetheart, and it is not your fault! I agree with both Melbi and Stiltman. You must to learn to forgive yourself for these real and imagined sins. You have forgiven your partner. Katy, how can you get better and stronger if you keep blaming yourself for past events? All you have to do is say, \"OK, I made a mistake here and there. That makes me human. I will make a few more mistakes too, but I can learn from them.\"

    You mentioned at one point that you had a dream, too personal to reveal here. That is the whole point about dreams. The subconscious mind does not offer information to the conscious mind in a literal, spoken form. It does not speak to you in words, but in images. That is why dreams are very personal. It is ever thus, and if you wake up, still drowsy, and commit your dreams to paper, you will be amazed at what will be revealed to you. This is not hocus-pocus. Freud wrote about this a hundred years ago.

    One positive point I noted is your mischievous intention to humiliate all us poor men by \"rearranging\" the mannequin. All is not lost when that spark of the old Katy is alive.

    Try to focus on the positives Katy. Your Mum and Dad had their life, their opportunities, their crosses to bear, and they made mistakes like we all do. Your kids will do the same. This is your time now, and when you say you have no confidence at all, that is because you have an image of yourself which is defeated, unable to cope, subservient to your partner who also has his own life, his own decisions to make, his own crosses to bear. The way to change your situation is to change you, from the inside out. Learn to appreciate your good points, don't dwell on the rest. You are naturally a loving, caring person, you have a cheeky sense of humour which is fun for those around you, you have great loyalty to your family .... and, and, and. You are a worthwhile person Katy. You have helped many of us here by your candid posts which have been relevant to all of us who are bugged by depression.

    Smile at yourself in the mirror. It is hard to be sad when you are smiling. xx

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  • Posted

    hi Breezman, you really are a sound mind now, but I acn feel your sways of pain throe your words. How are you doing with everything?

    sorry, my english is abot as clear as mud. I got intterupted by big sis on phone - I am so worried for her.

    I dont know, does your daughter confide in youabout things. I know I cannot be oen about relations with my own father. In fact, strangely, I have notheard from him for some time, and for some odd reason I feel too scared to ring him.

    I am sorry Breezman, i lost what I wanted to write to you , as i was so interrupted, I feel odd right now, and as I am workint tomorrow, i need to go to bed, though I keep having the runs. Take care, koala hugs, Katy.

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  • Posted

    Hi Breezman, yes, i know what it was now.

    What do you regard as self confidence??? I just cant stop hiding, in fact thats what I want to do for some reason, unbeknown to myself, for over the last year my anxiety levels have been sky high - yet without any real serious event to have triggered them off. I know I have been moaning on about my partners behaviour and other things, but really thats not any different than before. I know and realise that I cant get these haunting thoughts out my head , which make me want to shrivel up and die like a wilted rose. I just cant put my finger on what it is thats eating me, as its not as if al these things that have happened to me are new to me, but I find that I have to isolate myself from everyone and everything du to my lack of ability to cope with my surroundings, Bizarre if you ask me. Its like a volcano that erupted and I am scared its still at boiling point and that I am about to do them same all over agan. I am not sure if you willl understand what I am saying, but I am trying to all the same, in the best way I know. Its not that Ii even feel sorry for myself, its not that I want other people to pity me. I just want to know why I am like this now. Ive been through worse and did not crack!!!

    breezman, you are an inspiration to us and your intelligence and endearing words of wisdom give me an overwhelming feeling for want to get better.

    Dont take this the wrong way, but thought id share my thoughts with you about Harrison Ford and his love affair with ali Mcbeal. We were discussing this at work, and I could not stop laughing when I said to the girls, \"well he is still a bit of a babe , is he not?\",,,,,they returned the remark wiht\"god yeah! Why are they going out with her when he could have me\" :lol: ???? My point was that I find it really funny that my mum had such a crush on this actor when she was my age, and now the next generation still like him.....Boy, what an insane place we all live in - dont you think????

    Works good at the moment, but having real problems with my confidence ,, I have to walk away from simple tasks and give them a little thought before pursuing them for myself, so slllooooowww!!! But hey Ill get there. Hope you are still giving everything your fight, take care, katy

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  • Posted

    :oops: :cry: Hi there guys, i hope you lot are feeling a little better than me today!

    I saw my councillor today. She is a lovely warm lady. Though, I am feeling really drained after trying to face up to everything. I just dont want it to be true, I just dont want to be here, I just want to be free from it. the torture of hurting my children is so painful for me. I am sorry to say this, and imay well regret it, as I know children are no longer brought up in that cheerful situation of being seen and not heard. yes, times have changed. i cant get my head roudn dit though. i am sorry to say that I think seperation between parents will inevitably hurt children. I should know after my own experiences.

    What bugs me, is this.

    When my parents seperated, the problems between adapting from one enviroment to another were extreme. One parent was of the rails, while the other was extremely strict and work aholic. Once we have seperated, we dont see what goes on , with our own children. I am a very protective parent , even if i do drink too much. But I cant deal with the unknown, and as for my partner he does nto sem to have a clue about my despair. I just cant forgive him now, for what he did to me hurts, really hurts, yet he thinks I am the abuser. maybe, now I am, who knows, but I would never strangle him or the rest. But, god , folks, i dont know what to do. I want a clean living , to be in control ,to be loved by another, without feeling fearful that they are suddenly going to turn on meu. I cant but help feel, if I leave, I am being selfish. the realistic side of my thoughts are, do it, stop moaning about it, get up and do it.

    I have not spoken to my dad in a while as I know he will read between the lines and wonder why I am so anxious.

    Every corner i turn in the street makes me shake, shake like a leaf and my legs go to jelly, and thats just on the street.

    Even though I have come away upset, it has cleared my head a little, but I just want someone else to do it for me. i dont want to remeber this. My councillor asked me if my partner wanted to have children with me. see this is what I do, when someone asks a question like that , I turn it around and think ...Why, do you think I trapped him?.. Its more like the other way for me...its more like my partner was desperate to have children, dont get me wrong I love children and I adore my kids, but thats not all a relationship should be about, is it? Though now that Ive had my children and I see that once that has been done, us adults should be mature enough to fight our own selfish failings.

    Oh, maybe I need to just wake up to my dissapointing reality, i dont know?

    In fact, i dont really want to keep on going, could someone not come passt my house and pick me up in a big limo and take me to my paradise..please???

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  • Posted

    Well had an awful day. Cant stop crying, I dont know why i am crying , been off on one all day now. Someone help me. I hate this its so draining, a torture in its own right. Pleases someone tell me I am okay.
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  • Posted

    Oh Katy,

    You are ok, last Weds and Thurs I couldnt stop the tears and emotions, everything in my life seemed to be going wrong, it wasnt much different than it is today but today im coping with my problems better, may be its that word time but if u r like me i let my world tumble in on me sometimes when i have problems, alwasy have don always will. Katy, just cry and cry, believe me when I am feeling like this it does we a world of good, I dont want to give you advice on your problems , its nice to hear peoples opinions but ultimately you are only one who can control them, like i can my own......................all i can say is cry and calm down eventually and when you are calmer try and make sense of the situation easier said than done, but Katy i do understand where you are coming from in a way, no i havent lived your life and dont know everything but all i can say is that you will have better days , days when u have the same problems but can you look at them in a different light and cope.

    At the moment Katy, i feel really good, to be honest, im in the same boat as i was in last week, house not sold, ex and new fella playing happy families, still skint but i feel good, its not as bad after all, a couple of good things have happened to me this week that have made me happy and that made me realise that if i can get through this mess then on the other side i can can be happy again with a new life. What i am most scared of is that what if something sh*t happens again, how will i cope, will i spiral back down again, the answer is probably yes because thats the way i am built, i would love to change and not be like it, one day i may???

    Katy, everything is getting on top at the moment, feeling the pressure etc, i really felt like my head would explode last week and yet a week later i feel ok, i remember a couple of weeks ago you sent me a wonderful message where you sounded so strong, go and read it , Katy, please believe you will be ok, because you will, if you feel low and need us, get on here and blurt, it helps so much, take care of yourself.

    ja

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