I feel so fat... but I can't stop binge eating.

Hi I hope you're all well. Anyway, here's my ramble:

I can't stop binge eating. I want to stop but I don't know how.

I started to binge last year, in around September, when I started university. I'd binge eat (on biscuits, chocolate, cereal, etc) at an almost daily basis. I wouldn't stop - even when I felt sick from eating so much - until the whole packet was finished. I don't really know why I did it. I suppose it was partly because eating was a way of distracting myself from thinking bad thoughts, and partly because I didn't like leaving packets of food unfinished - I had (and still do have) this 'all or nothing' frame of mind. I felt disgusted with myself after every binge.

About two months later I bought myself some bathroom scales. I then became obsessed with weighing myself. Despite having a weight in the 'normal' BMI range, I felt so fat and unhealthy - and I knew that I'd put on even more weight if I continued to binge eat all the time. And so I tried hard to restrict my intake whenever I can.

However, these restricting days didn't happen often enough for me. I wanted to lose a lot of weight - and my intake to be low for each and every day. But it's so hard to stop the binge-eating.

This leads me to where I am now. I've recently begun to make myself sick after every binge (which happens most days) because I don't want to put on weight. The muscles around my stomach are hurting.

And at this moment in time, I feel like my eating habits are out of control. I feel like I'm stuck in this binge-purge cycle. I'm scared of putting on weight. I've had a panic attack over how high my BMI is. All I see on my body is a disgusting amount of fat.

In the past, I didn't care so much about my appearance - but now I feel as though the whole world is judging and shaming me on how fat and ugly I look.

I really hate my own mind. And I don't really know what to do with myself. I've told no-one in real life about these eating behaviours.

So yeah. Thank you so much for taking time to read this (very long) message. I really appreciate it.

(P.S. If it's of any use, my height is ~161cm and my current weight is ~122lbs. My BMI works out to be ~21.3 - and that's way too high for my liking. I want to weigh much less - and even be underweight...)

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