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I feel so lonely

Posted , 8 users are following.

katiehollz1992
katiehollz1992

Hi I'm 23 I suffer from an emotionally unstable personality disorder and depression I have lived with this since the age of around 15 after a few bad life events, I have been on quite a few medications that just haven't done or changed anything I'm currently on aripiprazole for my moods and I'm on mirtazapine for my depression I have been on these a few months now an I still feel no change if anything my moods are more frequently and last longer I face every emotion possible in my day anger,upset, feeling excited not wanting to engage with anybody but mostly I'm just crying, and recently I've been feeling that butterfly feeling in my tummy and my hands go all sweaty its kind of like an excited feeling but at the same time i feel like im scared of something. I don't know what's going on with me I just feel very unstable at the moment and I could do with a friend or somebody to talk to.

Thank you for taking the time to read this xx

3 likes, 22 replies

22 Replies

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  • lorraine52317
    lorraine52317 katiehollz1992

    Posted

    Hi katie

    Sorry you are feeling alone. Illness has a nasty habit of making us feel this way.

    have you had a meds review recently? It may be your meds need adjusting a little. It's sounds like your anxiety levels have increased so it's important to get your doctors viewpoint. try and get an appointment asap. Have things changed around you recently to increase your stress levels? This time of year can make us all feel a bit overwhelmed.

    We are all here for you xxxx

    • katiehollz1992
      katiehollz1992 lorraine52317

      Posted

      Hi thank you for replying to my post it means a lot, yes I had a medication change a few months ago as I only see my psychiatrist once every 3 months and by the time I get to see her I've forgotten everything, my life is like a big blur if that makes sense there's so much going on I can't keep track of things. I've never felt like this before an if i can remember rightly I've been feeling like this a few weeks now, im just sat at home doing what I normally do and I feel so scared and nervous and I don't know why, it's definitely not because it's Christmas because Christmas to me will just be like any other day.

      Xxxx

    • lorraine52317
      lorraine52317 katiehollz1992

      Posted

      Bless you Katie

      it may be the change of meds is doing this. You mentioned they were changed about three months ago, it could be the change isn't suiting you. Please try and get this checked. If meds are not agreeing with us we can get so many strange side effects. These can be quite scary.

      Have you got good family/friend support? It really helps to share your worries. Remember I / we are here for you too!

      god bless pplease keep in touch xx god bless x

    • katiehollz1992
      katiehollz1992 lorraine52317

      Posted

      I'm seeing my psychiatrist again in January so ill mention all this to her see what she says, I have 2 friends in my life one is my mum and the other is my cat I'm crying even writing this because nobody seems to care when I'm not with them does that make sense? I'm very alone I see my mum a few times a week but she doesn't know what's going on in my mind she just sees me I look healthy and happy but if she seen my arms and my scares she would see a different picture it's just sad some people don't understand mental health xxxx
    • lorraine52317
      lorraine52317 katiehollz1992

      Posted

      Awww Katie

      I know what you mean. No one sees the illness and assumes all is well. Please try not to cry honey, and please do not hurt yourself. I know it's awful to be dealing with ill health alone and i really wish you would tell your mum how you really feel. I find the more we think about things the more upset we can get. How about putting on your favourite song and concentrating on that song and letting the sad thoughts float to the back of your mind. Every time a sad thought comes to your mind try this. .....

      imagine that sad thought as an unwanted football that's been left in your garden. Then. ....imagine yourself kicking it so hard and so far thar it actually reaches the ocean! Honestly if you imagine this ....It works!

      No more crying. ..you are not alone honey xxxx

    • katiehollz1992
      katiehollz1992 lorraine52317

      Posted

      I haven't self harmed in over 3 months now but my emotions get the better of me everyday, I can't talk to my mum about how I feel she just wouldn't understand, what she worries about and what I worry about are completely different, for example I lost my twin sister in 2010 very suddenly she fell ill and 7 days later she died from pancreatis, gallstones and an unknown infection she was only 17 and had never been ill in her life so it was a very big shock to us all, I have never delt with her passing away and I want to talk all the time about her and then on the other hand my mother doesn't really speak much of her, so we are dealing with her death differently when we should be grieving together. People tell me time is a healer but it's just making me realise how much I miss her and how I would much rather be where she is than on this horrible planet. I just don't know who to turn to xxxx
    • kate86510
      kate86510 katiehollz1992

      Posted

      I have problems remembering this morning let alone any further back!

      try writing things down, a couple of times reflect back and write what you have done, what you are going to next and score your mood out of ten. Even if things to do is feed the cat and make a drink, it might help you to realise you are capable of getting through. It would also help next time you see someone from your mental health team.

      i sometimes feel so scared, I check everything is locked then sit down and slowly breath, this really helps in a my head and in my body. But I find the scared about everything and nothing a really hard one.

      you say you've no one to talk to, like the others have said we are here. 

      Ive never lost a close family member and cannot imagine how loosing your twin can be. You could always write to her and tell her how you are?

      take care Katie.

       

    • lorraine52317
      lorraine52317 katiehollz1992

      Posted

      Hi Katie

      I had a long post ready to send to you, and the page became unresponsive and I lost it all!

      So sorry to hear about your sister passing. You are right people do say time is a healer, I think really it the case of the pain becoming less raw. I am so pleased you haven't hurt yourself recently and hope you don't feel the need to do this again. You sound like a lovely young lady. Your life has a purpose, you may not know what it is yet. ...but who knows what wonderful things are in store for you! Likewise who knows how many wonderful things you will go on to achieve.

      I know words are just that 'words' but I mean it Katie, we all have a purpose, we all have a role to play, whilst we navigate our way through life.

      Please try to love yourself more, be kind to yourself more, reach out for help when you need it more and by doing this you will be on the road with the correct navigation tool.

      you mentioned your cat, sounds like you really enjoy spending time with him/her. Animals love us unconditionally and can bring great comfort. Have you got any friends that you trust? If not don't worry, we meet loads of acquaintances in life but only get one or two good friends if we are lucky. That can take time too...but it will come.

      sending this now and hoping it will send this time around!

      Blessings to you

      Lorraine xx

    • katiehollz1992
      katiehollz1992 kate86510

      Posted

      Hi Kate thank you for your message, my memory at the moment is so bad I can hardly remember things that's gone on in the past week and what I've been doing, so yes I'll start writing things down, I've only started to feel scared these past few weeks I don't know why I feel scared I have nothing to be scared about because I'm feeling rather numb at the moment and I don't think anything or anyone could bother me. But I just try and relax and then I start feeling butterflies in my tummy and I get this sudden rush of being scared and I go all hot and worried and I just can't link anything to these symptoms.

      Thank you for the idea of writing to my sister that is a lovely thing to do and I'll be doing this, bit of a silly question but where would I put the letter when I've wrote it? My sister was cremated and where her ashes are it's not really the place to put a letter as it's very open and when we have put angles there they have been taken by the grounds keeper as we aren't meant to put things there (how ridiculous) so any idea would be much appreciated ♡ I'm 23 an the only friends I have are my mum and my cat and I really don't know what I would do without them they both support me in different ways, all I want is too be happy and to have a friend who is a real friend like I see girls out there who have best mates and they do everything with them well that's all I want is a best friend who I can trust and won't judge me for my mental health issues xxxx

    • katiehollz1992
      katiehollz1992 lorraine52317

      Posted

      Oh no I hate it when that happens well thank you for taking the time to re write your message smile I hope this pain gets less raw I mean my sister passed away in 2010 and it literally feels like yesterday and all I seem to remember are the bad things like seeing her just lying there and her blue lips I just wanted to shake her and try and wake her up yet I remember feeling so scared to go into the chapel of rest and some man told me it's the living that hurt you not the dead...... she got taken to quickly and I don't think I'll ever be able to come to terms with her death.

      Yes my cat fidget she is my world and she has got my through some of my toughest days and she really does know when I'm upset I was crying the other night and she came and sat on my tummy and actually put her arms around me like she was giving me a hug (I swear this is true)I find so much comfort in her.

      quite a few people have been in and out of my life the only remaining people I have is my mummy and fidget and my psychiatrist once every 3 months.

      Xxxx

    • lorraine52317
      lorraine52317 katiehollz1992

      Posted

      Bless you Katie

      I cannot begin to feel what it must of been like to go through this and to be left with the scarring of losing your sister. Does fidget live up to the name? Lol. I am glad you have your lovely cat and your mum.

      don't forget you got us too!

      wishing you peace of mind and comfort in knowing that your sister truly lives on in a spiritual way and that you must live on, to achieve wonderful things and joy for you both.

      i hope when you read this that you have woken up to a better day Katie.

      Thinking of you

      God bless you from the heart

      xxxx

    • katiehollz1992
      katiehollz1992 lorraine52317

      Posted

      Good morning Lorraine smile thank you very much for talking to me yesterday I was pretty low and I just needed to know somebody out the cared and you guys on here did that means a lot to me smile yes fidget lives up to her name she is one fidget bum and that's why I love her so much she's not like other cats she's unique haha 😼

      I've woken up in a different mood today I don't really know how I feel I just feel empty and blank rather the opposite of what I normally feel I feel emotionless.

      Hope you have a lovely day what ever your doing and just wanna say thank you for being there for me yesterday 💕

      Xxxx

    • lorraine52317
      lorraine52317 katiehollz1992

      Posted

      Here for you anytime Katie.

      I honestly mean that.

      Hope your mood picks up in the course of the day xxxx

  • david_05096
    david_05096 katiehollz1992

    Posted

    Hello Katie, Hopefully by the time you read this you are suffering less than you were 13 hours ago. I know for me it goes in waves, my emotions at times wash over me and I feel helpless. I agree with others here that maybe a med change has added to the pain of emotional traumas and experiences in the past. Maybe it's not working as well as it should. I can't tell from what I read - I admit I skimmed everything pretty fast - but am wondering if you have tried talk therapy with a professional therapist besides taking medications. I have found that when it comes to trauma and difficulty in regulating emotions, it has helped. I even went through some PTSD treatment for huge anger issues following a home invasion - 35 years ago. While your circumstance was different, I am wondering if it has left you fearful and anxious. I have also been through a 6 month in-clinic DBT course for Borderline Personality Disorder. It gave me skills to better manage my emotions. I am not diagnosing but sharing how talk therapy and a bit of understanding gained through education has helped pull me up. As a sin off, whatever you do, be good to yourself - eat right as best you can, get some exercise, listen to your favorite music, meditate, or do any healthy thing that makes you more relaxed, takes your mind off of painful past events, and more in tune to how you feel and how you want to feel. 
    • kate86510
      kate86510 david_05096

      Posted

      Hi Katie, I hope you can see from all the replies that you are not alone with what you're going through.

      i also get excited when talking about DBT (dialectical behavioural therapy).

      i was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder 4 years ago. I swore nothing would help me but DBT has! Also I found people in the group that I didn't have to explain myself to. We now see each other regularly.

      ive never been any good at relationships and have always felt like a bit of an outsider but through these skills I have learnt that although friendships are ok, we all do it differently. I'll never be one to have afreindship that everyone else seems to have but that is now ok.

      talk to your psychiatrist and ask her/ him for advice on talk therapy sessions, perhaps have a look first on the net and jot down what you think might be useful for you. Also take notes during your session so you can remember what has been discussed. Dbt was right for David and I it may be that a different talk therapy might be for you. 

      Re. The letters, post them in a box and put the box in the attic or somewhere like, keep writing them. Decorate the box if you want, make it personal.

      as far as how you feel when you relax, you have to persevere with this one. Start by finding what you perceive as a safe place, I started in a cupboard and has now gone to a safe imaginary place in my head that I can carry with me wherever I go. Bombard your senses, for me it's a mug of hot chocolate, some soothing classical music, insincere sticks and a cuddly toy, whatever you like really. Just try to be still just for a few minutes. Try to accept the way you are feeling, you might be scared but accept that you are this is you now and you and how you feel are very valid.

      enough of my ranting!

      we are here, write on this forum as often as you like. Coping with living will happen to you, not at this moment but there really is hope.

      my dog, Alice is my saving grace, knows how I feel and gets me out of the house.

    • katiehollz1992
      katiehollz1992 david_05096

      Posted

      Hello David thank you very much for your message

      I didn't think I would get one reply so I'm rather pleased there are some genuine people out there smile well I'm on a waiting list for CBT my psychiatrist thinks that this would help so fingers crossed when I get my appointment all will go well xxx

    • katiehollz1992
      katiehollz1992 kate86510

      Posted

      Hi Kate thank you for getting back to me smile yes I'm on a waiting list for CBT so hopefully when I start this it helps me deal with my emotions and my day to day struggles, I'm not good with relationships either I always seem to mess up I'm happy for a few months then it's like I feel guilty because I shouldn't be happy I don't feel like I deserve to be then I end up cutting my self to make me feel not so bad then my friend or parter would see and then that would be the end of the relationship this seems so blunt but in reality that's how it is.

      Normally when I'm feeling low I get a very hot bubble bath but recently I've had a real struggle to concentrate so it's like my mind is focused on something I don't know about does this make sense? Xxxx

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