I HATE FEELING LIKE THIS

Hi Girl,

Am really sorry about how you feel,but completely understand. Sounds like we are looking for the same things,just some help to give us a lift.

The docs tell me that I have to wait for my meds to kick in but I feel like saying \" have you ever felt how I feel,you know nothing why dont u f*** off!\" I feel that all these people have done their studies but have no experience.

Sorry to ramble.

I hope you find the help you are looking for.

Best wishes

Shy

Hi girl &shy and anyone else this is L J.

Im new to this so this is my first comment,ive looked at a LOT of other peoples probs and meds on this site and have personal experience of two nervous breakdowns,one in 95/6 and one im still trying to get over which started about sept 06 and built up to its worste around may-june 07, (jesus how time flies when your locked away in THAT place only you or anyone else whos been to their own personal prison know exists)Ive expericenced mild panic attacks when out shopping to ones when ive been in bed not knowing what to do when there was SO much in my head running round i head butted doors and walls just to have the pain to focus on rather than the total confusion and blind panic,it helped for a few mins but i now need new doors and cant get head together to fit them,or even buy them,so its just made things worse really .Girl, i think from memory you are very young and shy i'll assume you are too without wanting to sound im trying to talk down to you both but im not so hot on this computer thing and dont want to lose this page searching for irrellevant stuff eg ages. Im 50 and feeling 60 since this last episode wheras only three years ago i was very active and felt plus looked a lot younger than i do now. What the hell has that got to do with you twos probs i poss hear you ask,well its partly to do with your comments on docs(shy) and partly to do with the prob youve got (girl).Doc and psychs in generaly DONT know how we feel and you are right shy they have done their studies but have no experience of what anyone with any mental probs are really feeling,thats why they seem to guess the meds and say \"youll have to wait two or three weeks for them to take effect\". Two or three weeks feels like a lifetime to someone who finds an hour VERY long at times doesnt it ?im on my second week of three waiting see if theyve helped,it feels like two months.

I gave up on my original doc not too long after he wouldnt give me ANY meds, despite me running out of his surgery in a blind panic trying to get to a place where the feelings i was having would go away and freaking out the 15 or so people in the waiting room to the extent of the 4or5 waiting to pick up scrips or book follow on appointmens took two steps back when id composed myself enough to go back in to make a councilling appointment with my doc,im sure he wants to be a councillor rather than a gp since he read a self help book he kept quoting from over the none productive sessions we had,he finally persuaded me to buy and read it,well did it help i hear you ask,NO it actually pissed me off and cost me £10.00 into the bargain.Im only the average size and build but its amazing what happens when it looks like someone is just about to lose the plot (Hmm! thinks maybe i should put it on next time to get results).Sorry went off on one then.Ive gone the loooooong way round with what im trying to say to try to make it clearer,maybe i sound like a rambling old fool but if i can get just one person to see the bigger picture it will be worth it. I feel very jealouse in a way that you people have sought or have been given help at such a young age,since reading up on general mental health issues over the last prob five months and seeing the symptoms of bipolar disorder plus things even my SH*T doc and i talked about last year and having talked about it with familly and friends,it fits so well how ive been at times over my life and ive written it all down to show the psych, thats when or if i get to see one as my new doc (same surgery)said weve got to start from scratch AGAIN!!! despite all the notes etc and knowing of my first breakdown,which i might add i was sectioned over due to a few extra but not enough extra ( thank god or whoever pisses on us unfortunate people)sleeping pills one night trying just NOT to feel how we do sometimes when it gets too bad,just so you know ive been RIGHT down there before and swore it would never happen ag

Look you old fool........SORRY, only joking. I actually read you r post LJ, I thought it very coherent for somebody feeling so sh*tty. I dont kknow, what to say really I dont. I am living in complete despair and fear . I am 31, and I dont know wtf is wrong with me. Ive had an awful day, even been crying in the streets ...again :lol: :oops: :roll: Hmmmm.....maybe its cause when I cry at home, partner does not care, he shouts at me now when |I get upset (Huh, as you can imagine that does not help anyone.). I am taking citalopram at themoment.......Its new name......sh*talopram :lol: :lol: i dont know . Aftert reading the way a bipolar person is, I can honestly say , yes that sounds like me, Spot on. But, though once you go down that track ,we can all think we are something we are not. Like this time last week, I managed to convince myself I was a suffering schizophrenic, (as it has been i n my famil) or that I was becoming an anorexic just like my big sister. Instaed, nope I have a major drink proble,m well its not soo majopr, its just wine. Today is the first day in many months a(almost a year) that I managed to eat 3 meals. All were very light, and the guilt that followed after were extreme. I am in a strange relationship with a nazi boyfriend who has decided to own me instead of love me, apart from the dull fact that I have to pay for my family and for his llack of respect in every way known to man. Yippeee, and feel depserate. Recently started to see a councillor, who is very niice/ lovely in fact and has been nothing but understanding, but I still feel absolutley at my wits end, and wonder if anyone is actually going to help or if I will actually be ever able to help myself out this complete hole.. This is the thing , i like to be funny so that other dont have to say you look like death today Katy . Is everything all right?\" Thats when I think effing sh*t!!!!!!!! Dont ask me that (is everything okay) nO God damn it, nothing has ever been right for me,. and nothing ever will be right. I am a walking failure, and my second name was given to me in the corresct fashion, with the (Sod law bit) added on......well you would know what I meant if you knew my second name. LJ, 50 or not, I dont know, I think ,,,,time REALLY does pass us by in a flash...and there is eff all we can do about it. Or bloody hell is today not dragging, Sometimes a minute can feel like a day, a day like a year depending on whats happened. The thing is, not had a good time recently, but Ive had worse, ive never been this bad, (actually that s a bit of a lie as I used to cry desperately at work , not wanting attention , not wanting anyone to know, but as you can imagine, it had the opposite effect and people started to pity me, then got fed up with me, and then bully me) Sh*t, life can be sh*t. Well anyone, Girl, Shy and LJ....good luck ,and wishing you all the best wisshes for the future.

Hi Tiny tears and co

Sounds like you should change your name to not so tiny tears,now thats just me joking. I spose i do sound quite coherent at the mo but not wanting to sound like a right prat, i was walking through one of the parks down here crying like baby in broad daylight last summer for no other reason than i was SO fooking unhappy and hissed off with everything in my life and couldnt see how to get what i want, i still cant get where i want to be but i think my meds have heled a bit this last few days,ive even cracked a few funnies the last couple of days. I dont really like comenting on personal relationships as ive screwed up a few myself what with the way i HAVE to have certain things, but i do know just having someone to talk to and give some support helps me quite a bit.My sister was with a VERY controling husband for 11 years and put up with loads of crap, some of which i didnt know about till after they divorced.Thing is he was also such a nice bloke enough of the time,mind you he's a bit squishy now,died eight years ago of virual phumonia, drink ,drugs and nobody to watch him in the end,but we dont want to hear morbid stuff eh.

When i was really bad (and dont think i havent been cause four people trying to break down your front door cause they cant get an answer due to drink an sleepers, only just enough not to have to think about it all is bad enough, nice sleep though)about mid summer last year i spent about a week in bed (bar the nessesarys)cause it was all too much to face.Its poss the same for you but if i only had one thing or even two to sort out, it wouldnt seem so bad, but it feels like theres so much going on in my head (or there was )its all a jumble and nobody can sort it out or seems to understand. All my probs are still there but my meds SEEM to have made me worry less and the thoughts arent running through my head at a million miles an hour,which was what really screwed me up.

You mention your eating habits (or lack of it ) i have eaten nothing at all for sometimes for three days, then three days food (ok two days) in one day, strange how its our minds that are the prob but our stomaches join in(yeah i know our mind controls everthing, just trying to be funny ).

You seem to be somewhere i was last year (mine started to get bad in jan 07, kept a diary till it all went fuzzy)i was scared of something but didnt know what, mind you, you do seem to have a lot on your plate,but as you say we do read things into it that poss arent there,but it all seems so real at the time and as you say its SO frustrating cause we just want to be somewhere near to what is seen as normal. I must have put people off trying to help me as nothing they did seemed to work, now only one or two contact me,its POSS done me some good as they all gave poss solutions which just gave my mind more to prosses which was just what it didnt need.When people used to ask how i was when i felt really crap, i used to say exactly that, then id say well its better than saying \"oh im ok\"then someone finding me dead,because you always seem to hear people say \"well last time i talked to them they said they were ok\"

Anyway ive waffled on far too long again,i hope everyone feels a little better each day and we can look back at all this in time (not too much)and see it fading in the distance.

All the best from L J.

Ps to tiny tears, your opening comment of \"Look you old fool\"did make i laugh! :lol:

hi there peoples

thanks for your comments. Don't you just hate it when you aren't feeling too bad and one thing happens and it just all goes wrrong again. I know just what you mean L J and Tiny Tears abut food. I don't have an appatite, hardly eat anything cause 1 not hungry 2why bother nourishing something I hate so much (me) and 3 I don't have the energy or inclination to actually cook anything. When I had my first long bout of depression ('94 - '97) i developed an eating disorder so I know where i am heading but REALLY don't want to. It develops into a control thing where I actually have the power to influence part of my life and how I feel. some parts of me feel like I have not really dealt with any of this as nothing was ever acknowledged by the dr i used to see, don't even get me started on him otherwise this will just become a long rant, back to what I was saying, i am beginning to recognise similar feelings at the moment, esp the pleasure of my having to tighten my belt and going for a whole day without eating anything while cooking for other people and shaking like a leaf while doing it.

L J you asked what I do, well, I am a self employed glass artist currently using facilities in a college so I can go in and help people but only for one more week as the students all finish for the year then and I am not sure what to do. Still waiting to hear if they are going to offer me any help at the moment, have been on same strength of venaflaxine of nearly 2 months now and they haven't done a huge amount but there you go.

Previously someone asked me why my login name for here is 'girl' as it seems derogatory, I have been thinking about it and reckon it's because even though I am 32 inside I feel like a lost tiny girl who needs some looking after otherwise I might just break compleatly.

got to go now - freaking out about being aroung other people in the library so take it easy guys and cheers once again for taking the time to write

Hi girl and co

My last post went through as a guest prob me pressin wrong buttons,anyway girl you have what seems to me an intrestin job,the self employed bit can be a pain when theres no work or nothing is selling,but maybe you dont get that with your line of work. Ive been mainly self employed most of my life which hasnt helped my financial situation due mainly to the supply and demand of the work(bait digging) I also had two periods when i bought a fishing boat and both times due to similar situation and bad timing ended up causing more debt which led to the depression and breakdowns, as now. Youd think id have learned my lesson the first time but as i still think im bi polar it could be that giving me the false high and confidence, i could do with that high now so i might have the confidence to at least apply for a job even if there are too many people chasing them. The bait digging is played out around here and at my age its a bit hard to go back to.

It frustrates me when i dont cook because i enjoy it when im well and would now but as you say when you dont feel like it , it aint going to happen, esp if youve got to go out and shop before you can start. Ive been told im a good cook by quite a few people (look out gordon ramsey)but that seems like it was someone else when i look at what i do now,beans al'a len certaily madam with or without the tomatoe sauce ?

I think these meds are making my mind waffle about nothing,went off things there,does anyone else get that on Mirtazapine ?

Girl you say you had depression from 94-97, i do hope that didnt mean four years or even three and it was just 95 & 96, ive been generally like this for 17 months now and touch wood feel a bit abetter now im on some meds, but i know ive got some sh*t around the corner so who knows what will happen then,dont like the though of another year or more with all this hanging over my head. Ive been told i should let go of my house (sell it ) to get rid of the burden of the mortgage, but after 28 years its such an upheaval, my roots go too deep. To think it would have been paid off eight years ago if i hadnt remortgage, it all seemed so easy, how wrong can someone be ? Whinge! whine !

Anyway hope you are all making progress from L J.

Girl here again

Unfortunatly L J it was 4 years last time - my old GP didn't believe me, thought I was 'a spoilt teenager looking for attention' (how controlled of me, no rant!), think this may have had an effect on the level of treatment I got. Anyway I have been really bad for the whole of this year but been on meds and had some counselling/cmht since end of 2005 so going on for ages this time as well. Maybe I am too good at hiding exactly what is going on or that I am too used to coping on my own but I get the imp-ression nobody reallyl belives me. Was good for a few months during the last couple of years and now my gp keeps on saying you can do as you did it last time but I don't think I was really better, just working so hard I didn't have the energy or time to think about how I was feeling and as soon as I stopped everything came back.

Anyway had a call yesterday and they want to put my meds up again. Don't want to be drugged up like this, want to get whatever is messing me up out of my system by talking about it but with budget cuts etc I guess keeping patients dosed up is cheaper. at the same time I need to be able to function and at the moment haven't paid bills or looked for anywhere to live - have to move on 9th June but don't even care if I am going to be homeless - so maybe a higher dose will at least get me to the point where I can do these simple tasks (totally out of character for me not to pay things and I have never been like this before)

Anyway have rambled enough

Hope you guys all feeling ok today

Girl

Hi girl L J here

Four years feeling down is too much for me to think about handling,dont know how im going to avoid it if it does drag on though, as you must know if you cant control how you feel it will continue. I can see myself being homeless just by not wanting to let go of my home for the last 28 years and not being able to find work is partly what pushed me over the edge this time and theres not much out there for a 50 year old none qualified person. Besides that there are a hundred imigrants for every job going so ive got no chance. My bills are at or close to baliff status and i havent got money to pay so its take what you can time for me unless theres a small mirricle just arond the corner, i think my meds have evened me out as far as panics and the worst of the depression but its a year too late ( curse my original GP to hell) :evil: Im repeating myself from last post here, all the best from L J.

[b:88ec3c6842]Hi Girl and Lj and co,

I am not feeling well today, hoping it will pass.

Well folks, been in and out of my doctors surgery, like first class post. Yet, I still feel I am being missunderstood. I think my doctor is great, but at the same time cant help but feel frustrated. My doctor knows about my relationship difficulties, but for me, my problems are more deep seated and I am scared no one is listening to me. When I was finishing my degree I was stalked by a (welll what seemed to be an exhibistionist) who (at least I think it was him that attacked me). Anyway, at that time, yes I was ill but got on eith things.

But , even my mum knows there is something else going on. When I was 4 years old, my mum was called to the nursery i attended, she was told that I was not socialising, and all i wanted to do was please people. I am still the same. I cant handle the thought of hurting other people, yet will let myself be a punch bag with a puncture. I am not a nasty individual, but over this last year I have not been able to talk to people. I havent eaten properly, drank some and taken lots of laxatives. Stilll a well balanced 8 stone, but I find my body disturbing, And its true, whats the point looking after yourself when you feel so hurt?

I saw my doctor this week . he is reducing my dose of citalopram back down to 20 and I allready feel off the scales , sh*t! I just wish I was understood. Maybe he understands more than I think, but I cant help but think they are putting it all down to the abuse. I belive sincerely that it is more than that for me. Okay folks, I just needed to talk to others that may have had or have felt like this too. But Ive finished ranting. take care all of you, hug TT.[/b:88ec3c6842]

[b:dfe8750a45]Hi Girl and Lj and co,

I am not feeling well today, hoping it will pass.

Well folks, been in and out of my doctors surgery, like first class post. Yet, I still feel I am being missunderstood. I think my doctor is great, but at the same time cant help but feel frustrated. My doctor knows about my relationship difficulties, but for me, my problems are more deep seated and I am scared no one is listening to me. When I was finishing my degree I was stalked by a (welll what seemed to be an exhibistionist) who (at least I think it was him that attacked me). Anyway, at that time, yes I was ill but got on eith things.

But , even my mum knows there is something else going on. When I was 4 years old, my mum was called to the nursery i attended, she was told that I was not socialising, and all i wanted to do was please people. I am still the same. I cant handle the thought of hurting other people, yet will let myself be a punch bag with a puncture. I am not a nasty individual, but over this last year I have not been able to talk to people. I havent eaten properly, drank some and taken lots of laxatives. Stilll a well balanced 8 stone, but I find my body disturbing, And its true, whats the point looking after yourself when you feel so hurt?

I saw my doctor this week . he is reducing my dose of citalopram back down to 20 and I allready feel off the scales , sh*t! I just wish I was understood. Maybe he understands more than I think, but I cant help but think they are putting it all down to the abuse. I belive sincerely that it is more than that for me. Okay folks, I just needed to talk to others that may have had or have felt like this too. But Ive finished ranting. take care all of you, hug TT.[/b:dfe8750a45]

Hi TT and LJ

I totally get the whole why look after your body thing TT, I haven't eaten properly for months and am hardly eating at all now. I used to abuse lax and diuretics when I was ill before and have been fighting the feelings for ages but on saturday I lapsed and took some, I hated myself for it so hurt myself for being so weak. I can't go back to that but I don't know what to do, I didn't start out with an eating disorder last time but ended up with one and the same thing is happening now. I never had any help with regards to my eating and I am not sure what to do now.

I have been helping a friend who has been VERY down this past week, even to the point of looking after her meds an only giving a days dose at once. I don't mind doing this for a freind but it has had a big effect on me and I was in a right state last week, saw my gp on thurs, cmht rang me fri and mon and I saw them tues. By then I was no longer feeling as depressed but hyper, ran as much as possible having had hardly any food, very anxious but hell that was yesterday. Was similar today but more depressed as well. Seeing psychiatrist and gp tomorrow so will see what happens.

I don't know if it is going to help but I thought I would pass on this info - I found a site called moodtracker.com where you can log all sorts of things and use them to see if there is any links to mood changes. Its free and you can print stuff off to show your gp/cpn or other. Am trying to keep it up.

Anyway hope you are both well today, keep it up

Cheers

girl

hi guys

I haven't posted for a while and didn't think i deserved a new post so found an old one of mine.

been doing quite well - meds finally kicking in, when I remember to take tehm on time, but today has been not brilliant. have had a big order for my work, which everyone who knows me thinks is fantastic but I am really scared taht I can't meat it.

pleased with self as had hardly anything to eat today (mon) but drunk enough to make up the calories.

didn't want to be on my own tonight so staying round a freinds, hence late internet access, but she very emotional (too much to drink) so hasn't been the stress free evening I imagened. She has gone to vbed now and I am still wide awake wanting tio cut my face to bits - no idea why, never had that urge before, far too viable. normally go for legs or elsewhere. even the thought of touching self makes me feel sick.

Know prob shouldn't have drunk tonight but only had 4 pints and about 3 brandy coffees - could have been worse but didn't really have any money - oh I lie I have a french beer as well - 6.5% so that racks it up.

anyway sorry for rambling, figured this was better than harning myself. Might have to go get a coffee n fag then see if i can get to sleep. Certainly not tried at the mo. want to run round town, don't care how cold it os or anything.

sorry for rambling, just needed to get it out of my system.

sleep well

Hans

Hi girl- you sound brighter! I hope you are doing better.

With all this work youll need to push youself\"Think I can, I will\" Not the other one. I ll show them attitude. I say this to you , yet having a really awful time.

Cant explain. Hans- I hope I have not upset you ( as it has been suggested my another member on Puke, I hope you keep going- your doing allright you know.) Keep up the good work.

If I have upset you I can only apologise and you can pm to let me know why ( and how ( if you want to).

Take care, TT

Hi TT

You haven't upset me, just been trying to keep self really busy so hadn't posted for a while. figure being really busy and working loads doesn't give me any time to get down. Not sure if this is the right thing to do though as it was BECAUSE I was so busy for so long that I slipped back in the first place.

Anyway, hope you are having an good day.

Take care

Hans

Feeling terrible today

so empty

have to make stuff for an order but can't face it

forced self to leave house and get to studio

trying so hard not to freak out now I am here

so just want to hurt myself, fighting the urges making feel more empty

don't want to face anyone

have to work tonight in the pub

DON'T WANT TO DO IT ANYMORE

empty and numb

:cry: