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I have no support from my husband

Posted , 7 users are following.

Kris0828
Kris0828

Hello! I'm new to this so please bear with me. I'm looking for advice and hope people aren't cruel...

I have been with my husband for just over 2 years. We have been married almost 7 months. I have struggled with depression for as long as I can remember. I have been on depression medicine for a year and anxiety medicine for about 3 months. I get in a deep depression that can last a week or longer. I am in one now, that's why I'm posting here tonight. My husband tends to feed off my mood. I'm depressed, I cry and I get very quiet. When I get like this he gets angry and lashes out at me. Tells me I need help and I'm crazy. Tonight he is sleeping on the couch because "you need your space and so do I"... I told him that I'm not angry at him I'm depressed, I don't need my space I need his support. His response was telling me not to give him that bs line.

I finally broke down and told him a very personal secret this past weekend and I got no support. I get no support when I'm depressed. All he does is beat me down even more emotionally. The secret I told him this weekend is that I've been bulimic for just over a year. When I was 8 months pregnant with our son I found out that he was addicted to porn. He said he would stop several times but never put in the effort. He only told me what he thought I wanted to hear to end the conversation. He gets defensive over porn. He will not stop. After our son was born, I became bulimic. Not right away but about 3 months after. I started this because I felt that there was something wrong with me, something that didn't turn him on. Maybe if I stay a certain weight he will notice me and like what he sees and not need porn anymore. I guess I'm just stupid. I just feel second to porn. I'm sitting here in a depression largely in part to his porn use and because I told him the truth about what it has done to me, he thinks it'll help to be angry with me and keep away from me. He refuses to go to counseling. I love him very much, I just wish he would try to comfort me and not kick me when I'm down. Is this normal? Am I wrong for being upset?

1 like, 21 replies

21 Replies

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  • simon66470
    simon66470 Kris0828

    Posted

    Your husband is,selfish,inconsiderate and ignorant.Selfish-He only thinks of himself.Inconsiderate.He "dismisses your depression etc as "slight,unimportent' exagurated ,trivial.Ignorent.He doen't understand your condition.,neither does he want too.But if he had an issue,suffered from depression he would expect attention & sympathy and Support regardless.As for Porn.You cannot control his access to porn.

    But your husband must have known prior to marriage your sensative condition,yet stayed,nurtured the relationship etc.and you bore a child later.This worsened the isolation felt between both of you.instigated by his selfishness.His reaction...don't bother me...pull yourself together...=Non supportive role.

    Will he change?. Unless he realises your depression is real and not "insignificent" etc...and then genuinely tries to support you as any husband should.

    Even if you changed into a "goddess" he would still access porn.,just because.

    The isolation you now feel,caused by his behavior will lower your self esteem further.Your depression will just persist & worsen.The end result may be..that he walks away.Blaming you for the relationship breakdown etc.

    Unles he changes his attitude towards you etc.and accepts that you have a treatable medical condition.If he suppoerted..it would help your condition.Heighten your self esteem etc..You would feel more in control etc.and feel & be supported.An ideal relationship.

    No medication can/will resolve your relationship issue(s).Only the 2 people concerned can.

    Marital counselling may..help.But unless he is willing to go and discuss with "Honesty: and be 'Willing & prepared' to resolve the relationship issues,then sadly the outcome is not good.If you had been able to read the future.Would you have still stayed in the relationship?.Maybe because of your condition you just accepted the relationship as is.He in turn just ignored it yet "expected & expects" a perfect marriage/relationship in return. His selfishness,ignorance& "contempt shown".. has instigated the relationship you now have.You are not at fault.He IS.

    • hypercat
      hypercat simon66470

      Posted

      Hear hear Simon.  Very well said and I agree with every word.  x
  • simon66470
    simon66470 Kris0828

    Posted

    Grab your son..present yourselves in front of your husband and ask this:

    Do you think our marriage is going well?Are we happy?

    His response to end the topic asap; Its fine.,it suits "ME"!Why? do you ask.

    Your answer:

    It suits( you) but what about ME!

    You control every aspect of my life & my child's .NO MORE!I am entitled "WE" are entitled..to have a life.Just like everyone else.We are not your prisoners anymore.

    I will socialise with who ever i please.I will find employment because i choose too. .I will not require/ask your "permission" to be "ME" anymore.For my sake and my childs sake...I will not be your prisoner,at your every beck & call. Belittling me will not make me cower as before.A Threat of physical violence will not silence me.

    His response:

    I'll change my ways.I promise etc.

    Your response:

    You refused counselling...You refused to help "us"I am your partner,your wife and you refused to help ME.To resolve the issues because you only think of yourself! You lie to us and most of all to yourself!.You allways WILL!.

    :

    For how long? before you return to your controlling & vindictive ways. Because you won't.

    You have proven to be selfish regardless.Refused counselling to help "Us"Why?

    Because if it all was now laid bare to the counsellor(s)... his insecurities ,possessivness would now be laid bare to all.and he daren't admit that.To be seen in his true light.

    Because he won't,he can't..

    His overpowering POSSESSIVENESS over you and any other female companion/wife etc etc..will not allow it.

    He needs to "control".He does not like it if another controls him.,but because of circumstances he must yield to it at times.(Work enviorement)But to others,socialising etc etc.. he portrays a "nice guy".

    He daren't allow his true possessive streak to emerge then.it would be too apparent to all if he does.So it emerges when he knows its safe to do so=IN the marital home..Again he now feels in control.and you get the fallout of ALL his insecurity.& blame for it in full.100%. 

    His possessiveness is shown to females only.It is "they" he must control,not males. Because he is physically & mentaly able too,..,with women,... but not men.

    His possessiveness in regards to women,boosts his masculinity.Blankets his major insecurities & fears,Boosts his "Superiority complex" And that is his weakness.

    You may feel emotionally attached to him,but maybe... you are really emotionally attached to the problem.,not the person.

    Afraid to confront the truth of it all.Difficult as it may seem to be...realise that his possessiveness will in time,intensify,progress to the growing child.Why should they not be included.Why? should everything become suddenly "Normal" when the child reaches adulthood.?

    Let him go.Ultimatum is simple.Abide by it and regain your life.

    He has depression too.Ultra Possessive & depressive & insecure.& will blame anyone for his insecurities,not himself..He won't help himself.If he had/did,the marital issue would not arise.You cannot help him.

    But you can help yourself & child.& improve your enviorement & situation.

    Why prolong the agony.Saying goodbe is hard.But one must be cruel to yourself sometimes..to be kind!

     

    • hypercat
      hypercat simon66470

      Posted

      Simon I do agree with your comments but not about letting the son into it.  It would traumatise him and that wouldn't be good for him.  x
  • Kris0828
    Kris0828

    Posted

    Thank you for all the comments. I have read each one and layed it in the line. He had a choice to make. He told me to just leave. Once he saw I was going to do just that, he said he would stop with the porn. He made this promise to me before we got married but it only lasted a little while. He made sure to tell me he wasn't exactly happy to not watch it anymore which only tells me that it is just a matter of time before it starts back up. I know to some it is a silly thing to be this upset over, but for others like myself, it is a very hard thing to deal with. I am not yet comfortable in my decision to stay and only time will tell. He still does not acknowledge his possessiveness or that he is controlling. After typing this I can see that I am just fooling myself and preventing myself from being happy. I wish it were simple. Again, thank you all for your comments
  • simon66470
    simon66470 Kris0828

    Posted

    As i said:It is hard.(a) To finaly admit to yourself the truth (B) to confront a person you are emotionally attached too and say" its over" etc. One can agonise over it but the final confrontation will occur.Once said it will feel like a weight,a burden has been lifted.

    You are married to the "situation" not...the person.,and you are aware of this.

    Possessiveness,controling etc is emotional abuse.The worst kind.It "entraps".The "perputrator" never ceases.Is never satisfied.never lets go.The controling never ends.Until you/he leaves.That is/will be.. the end result.If you remain the intolerable relationship will just worsen.The obvious outcome just delayed.

    You have courage...just use it.

     

    When you do,and you will.The intolerable situation you are now in will

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