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I have the worry of two elderly parents. Is anyone feeling the stress that I do?

Posted , 7 users are following.

angm
angm

Mum had been in and out of hospital for about 5 years as she kept falling and has so many health problems. Although she is now in a nursing home, I feel the need to visit her daily as she is so unhappy and helpless at present.  We had no choice but for her to go there as she could not walk and could not do very much for herself.  She has recently deteriorated so much that she now cannot feed herself and is in bed all day waiting to be changed or given a drink or food.  She can't press her call bell for help. She is now unable to swallow.  I feel so hepless.  She must feel ten times worse.

My 87 year old father is now living alone, which makes him sad. He did his best to keep her at home, along with my help.  They have been married for 65 years.  He suffers from dizzyness, believed to be vertigo.  Sometimes he is all over the place and having to hold on to things around him. He has an appointment with a specialist next month.  He also suffers from varicose eczma and from time to time gets painful ulcers on his legs, both interfere with his sleep at night.  I also visit him almost every day or phone him.  I dread turning the key in his door. Always worrying about what I will find. If for any reason he does not answer his phone I go rushing round there. I also cook and clean for him.  His bed needs changing at least twice a week because of the state of his legs.

I am regularly taking him to doctors and hospital appointments (opticians etc).  Until recently was also accompanying mum to hospital appointments. 

Whilst it must be difficult worrying for one parent the strain of two parents in two different places is immense.  

I sit with mum and regularly cry when she sleeps, which is most of the time and sometimes a tear has run down her cheek.  I go to bed and cry becaue it is awfull seeing your parents in this situation and also because I am so stressed and concerned.

I had to take early retirement because I could not cope with it all.  I feel so sorry for both parents now being separated. I love them both dearly but don't know how much longer I can keep up with all the running around.

I feel very alone. Not many people are talking about two parents.  I understand the stress of one.  Is there anybody else out there having to do the same as I am, for two?  How are you coping with it?  

I wonder if there will ever be light at the end of the tunnel!

0 likes, 24 replies

24 Replies

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  • amanda1827h
    amanda1827h angm

    Posted

    Oh omg! I really feel for you! I am a carer for my disabled hubby! He is 67,and I am 58! We both have osteo arthritis and hubby is severely sighted and deaf! We used to care for my late father! That was not easy! Do you have any help at all with your parents? If not give social services a call! Is your gp aware your a carer? Where do you live in UK? I am in surrey. Thinking of you regards Amanda
    • angm
      angm amanda1827h

      Posted

      Thank you for your kind words.  Sorry to hear that you are also having a difficult time.  Dad does not want carers coming into his home so I am doing my best to help him.  I have siblings who are quite happy to sit back and let me deal with it all.  Just been to see mum in the nursing home and she is in a bad way.  Been to dad's this morning and this afternoon to make sure he is okay. He's very depressed, mainly beacuse of mum and he feels alone. Thanks once again, just talking about it helps, angm
  • amanda1827h
    amanda1827h angm

    Posted

    Hi your a star! But please there is help out there! These elderly men can be so stubborn! You also have a life to lead! How old are your children? Are they old enough to help you out in any way? Where are you from in UK? Thank you again regards Amanda
  • Ginagirl
    Ginagirl angm

    Posted

    I am so sorry this life has forced you into this predicament... it is situations like this that once would never have happened ..I worked as a Staff Nurse in a Geriatric Hospital for most of the 1980's and all these situations would have been dealt with once day hospital care terminal rehab etc....The Government has closed all these places with specialist care.. Now we have bed blocking in Hospitals where older people have nowhere to go ..and very often are too sick to live alone and forced to go into Nursing Homes which are less than suitable .. Carers are not trained sufficiently enough either.. I have found a link which may be of help to you with regard to a lifeline button you could arrange for your Father.. There are lots of little things that can be used to help older people like lights flicker when the PHONE rings ..large numbered Phones. I hope that Your Mother is okay? as we are 2 months out from your Listing. It is very sad when couples are split up after so long its like a bereavement for them....years ago they would have been admitted together, but not so caring times we live in old people are separated. which I think is heart breaking for them and only depleates their quality of life and health that makes them slip away sooner than need be..

    http://www.ageuk.org.uk/products/independent-living/personal-alarm/

    Check around for items that will help support Dad at home and help with his condition, get the Social Services to vist and do an assessment to have rails fitted and wash facilities to help him in his mobility. Doctor will now do a consultation over the Phone and discuss your Father with you, rather than you having to go to them and sit around which is unfair. You need wider Family Support to help you with this.. Try and arrange other to help with calling on your Father. You will make yourself ill too ..This is a huge problem and you need information and help with it, you are not alone..there are people who can help Age Uk are brilliant you need to talk with someone to give you more advice.

    Best of Luck and ..my advice is to ring Age Uk first step..

    Staff Nurse 1977-2009

    • angm
      angm Ginagirl

      Posted

      Thank you Dawnregina for your words of kindness.  Sadly mum passed away on 27th June.  I feel so responsible because I didn't have the energy  to chase up her problems as well as my fathers.  Wrongly, I hoped that the nursing home would do more.  My oldest brother always promised he would help with my father but he didn't when I needed help the most.  He has stepped in to do a bit now but it is too late for my poor mother.  

      She did nothing wrong.  One of her main problems was ESBL a urine infection that she caught in hospital on one of her stays.  I kept telling the nursing home to send a sample to the lab but by the time I felt better and chased this up mum was too ill.  I did get her into hospital where they gave her intavenus antibiotics for the infection.  The doctor at the hospital also took her off one of her tablets, metoclopramide, when I told him that she had lost the use of her arms, they had gone stiff and she was unable to lift them.  It was an anti-sickness tablet that can cause the stiffness.  I can't understand why the GP didn't keep an out for that.  Within 24 hours she was lifting her arms.  She did get a a bit better for a couple of days but still could not swallow.

      She went back to the nursing home and died 2 week later.

      I am having to get counselling because I can't help but blame myself.  When I feel a bit better I am going to take the matters/concerns that I have further with the relevant authorities.  I also feel that in order to get past my grief and guilt I am going to have to find the strength to tell my older brother how angry and let down I feel with him.

      Thanks once again.  I suppose there is a bit of light at the end of the tunnel but I would rather have my mother back.

      angm

    • amanda1827h
      amanda1827h angm

      Posted

      Hi I really feel for you! Please don't beat yourself up by the sad passing of your mother.you did your best.this is all you can do! Being a carer is tough.I can relate to you.if you need to talk I am here for you! Regards Amanda
    • Ginagirl
      Ginagirl angm

      Posted

      I understand you want your Mother back.. It's only to be expected am so sorry for your loss so soon.. It was inevitable that this happened she gave Up.. Greiving for your Father after so many years.. Very hard for you to see this and feel their pain.. It was perhaps the kindest thing to happen.. She would have wanted you to be with your Dad much more.. You can talk to each other more about the happier times.. Get the old photos out will help you both go someway toward getting used to her being gone. Although you talking about her I believe will draw her spirit close to you both.. It was so unkind of your brother not to help you more, this happens so often .. It was mainly the women who did the running..This site is a very helpful website.. Give a lot of help and information.. I hope you get in touch with Age UK they will advise you re your Father..Now is your special time with him..

      kind regards

    • angm
      angm Ginagirl

      Posted

      Thank you, Dawnregina.  I will get in touch with Age UK, angm
    • Ginagirl
      Ginagirl angm

      Posted

       hope things are better soon ...✨
  • Ginagirl
    Ginagirl angm

    Posted

    Try Age Uk and look up personal alrms which can help should your Dad find himself in a difficult spot.. they are helpful and will stop you worrying. There are many things to help the aged with hearing and impeded sight. Social services should support you as well with other items in the home.. Sorry my link may be withdrawn but check the website will be very useful to you and give you some direction.
  • Buddyboo2
    Buddyboo2 angm

    Posted

    I hear your pain and took care of my mother with cancer and I think the light your looking for is maybe there is some
    • Buddyboo2
      Buddyboo2

      Posted

      Help you can receive because of the situation your fathers in. Talk to hospital and old age home see if someone else can change bed and make a meal or if you can afford meal on wheels cause you then know someone is regularly visiting. Pull out the photo albums reminds with your father and as he reminds you of stories you've forgotten you can hold and tell your mom of this story you and dad were talking about. Try try not to get so consumed in everything you feel you have to do and hopefully you and your mom can sure a few smile still as she knows getting old sucks . My mother passed to quickly and then my dad I kinda wish I had just looked at items in house or albums and got a few more stories that I've forgotten in growing up. Spend a little time talking to hospital support sometimes they can boost your creative juices . Wrap around hugs to you

    • amanda1827h
      amanda1827h Buddyboo2

      Posted

      Hi Where are you from? In the UK there is help out there.Do you have full care of Your parents? It's not easy when they are elderly.If your living here in UK it would bebe worth asking social services to help.Good luck regards Amanda h

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