I have the worry of two elderly parents. Is anyone feeling the stress that I do?
Posted , 7 users are following.
Mum had been in and out of hospital for about 5 years as she kept falling and has so many health problems. Although she is now in a nursing home, I feel the need to visit her daily as she is so unhappy and helpless at present. We had no choice but for her to go there as she could not walk and could not do very much for herself. She has recently deteriorated so much that she now cannot feed herself and is in bed all day waiting to be changed or given a drink or food. She can't press her call bell for help. She is now unable to swallow. I feel so hepless. She must feel ten times worse.
My 87 year old father is now living alone, which makes him sad. He did his best to keep her at home, along with my help. They have been married for 65 years. He suffers from dizzyness, believed to be vertigo. Sometimes he is all over the place and having to hold on to things around him. He has an appointment with a specialist next month. He also suffers from varicose eczma and from time to time gets painful ulcers on his legs, both interfere with his sleep at night. I also visit him almost every day or phone him. I dread turning the key in his door. Always worrying about what I will find. If for any reason he does not answer his phone I go rushing round there. I also cook and clean for him. His bed needs changing at least twice a week because of the state of his legs.
I am regularly taking him to doctors and hospital appointments (opticians etc). Until recently was also accompanying mum to hospital appointments.
Whilst it must be difficult worrying for one parent the strain of two parents in two different places is immense.
I sit with mum and regularly cry when she sleeps, which is most of the time and sometimes a tear has run down her cheek. I go to bed and cry becaue it is awfull seeing your parents in this situation and also because I am so stressed and concerned.
I had to take early retirement because I could not cope with it all. I feel so sorry for both parents now being separated. I love them both dearly but don't know how much longer I can keep up with all the running around.
I feel very alone. Not many people are talking about two parents. I understand the stress of one. Is there anybody else out there having to do the same as I am, for two? How are you coping with it?
I wonder if there will ever be light at the end of the tunnel!
0 likes, 24 replies
jerry75041 angm
Posted
I've dealt with one parent grieving for the other after their death, but never two at once. And separate locations! I just want to encourage you to keep talking if it helps. I send all my sympathy and well wishes for what you're doing. I'm sure you'e doing the best you can. Caretaking is not easy!
angm jerry75041
Posted
Thank you for your kind words. It's been just over a year now since losing mum. It's still very hard. Dad misses her very much. I suppose it's easier now just looking after him but I would give anything to have mum back.
martin33688 angm
Posted
I just want to say how much I admire how hard your worked for your parents and how stressful it must have been for you. You really did as much as you could and I know we always feel we could do more but we are only human.
My Dad died 7 years ago and I always felt I could have done more. In the end a possible cause was a change of medication which he and my Mum said one thing, the document said the opposite.
It was tempting to try to fight it but it would not bring him back.
My Mum over the last few years has been in and out of hospital and until recently has been doing really well. Considering she is 92 and lives on her own without any help except me and my family and her friends.
A year ago just over she went down hill and ended up in hospital. Thankfully she improved and came home and has dont well over the course of this year.
I do recall though being on holiday in northumberland and getting a call from the company that runs her lifeline to say she had a fall. She and we live nr southampton, so not alot I could do! Thankfully it wasnt a bad fall and she stayed at home.
She constantly has this fear of falling and she knows if it happens again she will end up in hospital. I too have the same fear.
We are due to go on holiday next week and just this week she said she feels unsteady on her feet and I just get the same feeling I had a year ago.
I feel selfish that I am thinking of our holiday which has been planned for almost a year but just pray she will be ok.
I am glad I found your post and I really hope you have been able to move on a little. You deserve it.
angm martin33688
Posted
Hi, it must be a worry for you with your mum falling. I have recently got dad into a residential home as he kept falling. I have sold his flat to pay for it. I hope he is safer there. I try to go up every day and visit him to make sure that they are caring for him properly. (Would you believe that I have 4 siblings?)
With regards to mum, I took a case out against the GP surgery in charge of her, with the Parliamentary Health Ombudsman and I won, not much consulation for me but it might help somebody else in the future (It took 18 months from start to finish). Apparantly the anti-sickness drug that they had her on for 9 months should not have been administered for more than 5 days (all doctors should have been aware of this). There were other failings which I will not now go over.
I hope that you have a lovely holiday. Is there anybody who can pop in on your mum. Might it be worth considering paying carers to come in to her whilst you are away. They won't be there all the time but it might give you some peace of mind.
I desparately need a holiday as I have not been away now for about 8 years, since mum started to be so ill. I still can't bring myself to go any where whilst dad is still alive.
It's nice to hear of a caring son as it usually all falls to the daughter (in our culture anyway). I have now only just eased up on blaming myself for my mum's death. I guess that that is something we all do. I'm sure you did your best for your father as you are now doing for your mother.
Getting old really sucks (if you'll pardon the expression). It is also very painful for the family seeing it. I certainly am not looking forward to it myself. I hope my daughter does not have the worry that I have had.
Anyway, all the best to you and I hope that you have a well earned break.
martin33688 angm
Posted
Thanks for the reply, I thought it was a while ago now so some people change email addresses etc.
As you say its so hard when parents get older and get more frail.
I am such a worrier and possible think sometimes there is a problem when in fact there is not. Its just its hard when youve sen it before and fear the same happening again.
With regard to me doing things for my Mum, I am all she has, no siblings. Not sure if its harder for a son to do things for a Mum than a daughter? Like when my Mum fell in the loo once and then needed to sort herself out in terms of cleaning up. Its not something I could do and I asked my wife to help.
Other than that I do as much as I can for my Mum and I am lucky in that we live only 5 mins drive from her house. I own the house she lives in so I know shes secure there.
Whe she came out of hospital I got the council to fund for my Mum to get a stairlift and a new bathroom.
In terms of our holiday. I am hoping and praying she will be ok and she has people that will call in on her (her hairdresser and cleaner are very good to her) I hope we wont need carers anytime soon.
Of course when the time comes we will get someone.
Its nice to chat about these things with someone who understands. I wish you all the best with your Dad
I hope at some point you can stop blaming yourself for something that is out of your control.
I also hope you could get a little break at some point, you definitely deserve it.
Best wishes
angm martin33688
Posted
Sometimes I have felt as though I am the only child. I might feel better if that was the case. You are lucky that your wife helps you (not all daughter-in-laws are so kind).
Best wishes to you also.
amanda1827h martin33688
Posted
Hi I used to care for my late elderly Dad years ago.It s not easy at all.Now I am a carer for my Disabled Husband and its stressful for me as neither of us are well,but help is out there.Keep on nagging the social welfare & they will help regards Amanda h
martin33688 angm
Posted
Yes as Amanda says try to keep pushing social services as much as you can.
I know its draining but it seems that just what we have to do in this country.
On one occasion when my Mum was discharged from hospital (Wrongly) I took her home and she fell getting in the house. We then had to get her readmitted the next day.
So basically a failed discharge. I will never let that happen again.
I made sure what the last time my Mum came out, we had everything in place for her, carers, OT etc etc.
As I mentioned before I got a grant from the council to put in a stair lift and bathroom and made sure everything was finished etc.
Its so tough to keep nagging people I know but when its for the ones we care about and they have nobody else then we just have to do it.
Its like with our son who has ASD, we have spent years fighting with the council and education authorities to get him the help he needs. Thankfully it is now paying off.
Good luck with everything!
Pitipiti angm
Posted
I'm so sorry to read what you are going through, please do not feel alone, I help and support people in your situation as well as elderly citizens in my community. Those who lives at home in care homes or nursing homes through difficult times.
I know what you're going through I'm in the same situation with my dad and mother in law. My dad lives at home and mother in law is in a care home cannot do anything for herself. Please don't hesitate to chat with me, you are not alone.