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I just want someone to talk to

Posted , 8 users are following.

auria66713
auria66713

I can't remember when it started but I guess that I have always been sad. My family is broken, even though my parents are not divorced. My father, for unknown reasons, don't like to spend time with my mother, brother and I, therefore he doesn't live with us. As far as I could remember, it has always been only the three of us in the family, there was no such thing as a father. My mother worked hard, all by herself to raise my brother and I up. She faced a lot of stress from trying to earn more money, therefore she has been verbally abusing me to vent her anger at work (my brother is rarely home due to university).

I was bullied in elementary school. Best part was that my teacher encouraged the bullying. I had no one to turn to for help and everyday was hell. As I left for middle school, the believing in others part of me died. I doubted everyone, friends, classmates, family and teacher. I couldn't make friends easily and even when I did, I was unable to trust them fully. It has always been so till today.

These years, I have been crying, sometimes over small matters such as being scolded by the teacher, or sometimes over nothing at all. I will cuddle up in a corner of the room and let the tears stream down. I was always tired, lethargic. My sleeping hours can range from no sleep at all to around 20 hours at one go. Sometimes, my appetite is huge and sometimes I can go on for a day with no meals. I could not concentrate at school. I don't feel like doing anything at home, just lying on the floor and not moving. My grades have been falling and I don't care at all. I just feel so worthless. I tried to study, to eat properly, but I just can't. I really tried but no one saw that.

Recently, the sense of worthlessness has gotten worse and the amount of tears has increased. I feel more and more suicidal as the days go by. I cut myself the other day. It was hard to remember the last time I really felt happy. I wanted to get better and I knew that I have to receive help. I broke down in front of my mother some days ago and pleaded for help. Yet, she did not wish for me to visit a psychiatrist for she feels that only crazy people needs to visit a psychiatrist.

I just want to talk to someone. I just want to feel happy again. Please tell me how I can get better.. 

3 likes, 17 replies

17 Replies

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  • carmel83758
    carmel83758 auria66713

    Posted

    Hello. Just a couple of points. I really am sorry about how awful you feel and have done for a long time....

    You say you cannot trust anyone - it is understandable you would not trust someone who has hurt you , lied to you or let you down. Yet you come here asking for help so you do know that people are not all selfish or horrible.

    You say you are worthless yet you believe you are entitled to happiness and want that happiness - so you are NOT worthless.

    But only you can do something about this. I beleive you need therapy and probably cognitive behavioural therapy. RESEARCH IT ONLINE if interested. It may mean spending cash on seeing someone privately, but if you truly want to be happy that ought to be a good enough reason to do that. Most of the people here are not qualified in psychology, depression, therapy etc so they can sympathise and they genuinely will but that is not enough for you.

    • paul45160
      paul45160 carmel83758

      Posted

      Yes, this. We can offer support but professional help is what you need. There is help and there is a way out of this.
    • auria66713
      auria66713 carmel83758

      Posted

      Thank you for your kind words smile I really appreciate them. I am going to visit a psychiatrist alone tomorrow and seek treatment... I am trying my best to trust people again and hopefully, one day I can honestly tell myself that I'm happy
  • sue34151
    sue34151 auria66713

    Posted

    Hi Auria I'm really sad that you have a lot of distress in your life and it seems to be getting worse with time you don't say how old you are but if your old enough to make a doctors appointment I think that might be the first step with or without your mums support, I'm sure she does not realise how bad you are feeling and if you broke down it must have come as a shock for her to see you like this, I don't share her views that only crazy people see a psychiatrists many people have tragedys in their life and need support to feel well again, there's a vast number of people on here that are going through a bad stage in their life your not alone in this situation but if you need to share how you feel this is the best place and it's always up to you what you decide I agree with Carmel that the majority of people on here are just ordinary people trying to offer support if they feel they can, one thing I can say truthfully is that you can't continue in this way because it will only get worse so please try to get some help we all try to keep how we feel a secret because there's a lot of shame in admitting these feelings, but you are the only one who can take the first step and if your mum can't help you maybe it's time to make contact with your father or grandparents I'm sure there must be someone in your family you can talk to you have the right to happiness in your life don't sit alone in your room.

    take care love sue xx

    • auria66713
      auria66713 sue34151

      Posted

      Thanks for the supporting words. smile My father is uncontactable (including the paternal side of my family), my maternal grandfather has cancer and my maternal grandmother is bedridden... Therefore, my aunts and uncles are too busy taking care of them. No one has time to be bothered with me.
  • Mercybemine
    Mercybemine auria66713

    Posted

    Auria angel, you may well feel alone and if cant afford to pay for private therapy you are in england hun? It may take a while but you will be seen if your gp recomends, usually a very good organisation Called inclusione matters? Be proud you are here and Not other countries including the great united states as our culture Does Not allow for anyone to suffer and if help is needed help will be provided? You seem to me to have a lot of anxiety angel and a therapist may well be able to help, if need it immediately you may well need to go private, if can wait a while do what our own politicians do and go through our nhs system. You are worth more than you think angel and the whole of england will be behind you if you need help, so never think youre alone angel, parr of our taxes is paid for people in need so seem help angel you deserve peace of mind and can maybe get it by first consulting your gp and then maybe councelling? Good luck hun, were all here for you?
  • paul45160
    paul45160 auria66713

    Posted

    You've had a dreadful time and it's no surprise you feel like you do, turning to your mother and her reacting the way she did must have been awful. She is completely out of order for saying that. 
    • carmel83758
      carmel83758 paul45160

      Posted

      Well you already know all this don't you, that your mother is insensitive etc. You just desperately want to feel better .
    • paul45160
      paul45160 carmel83758

      Posted

      Parents words always hurt I find, I'm still trying to get my mother's voice out of my head, sometimes it's just nice to have people tell you you're not in the wrong (Sorry might be letting my own experiences influence my advice here)
    • carmel83758
      carmel83758 paul45160

      Posted

      I totally understand it. I have had similar experiences with my parents. And quite often if you try to talk about it to someone else they ma\ke excuses for them and say "oh but they meant well " or "oh but you misunderstood what they said" beca\use they have no experience of a parent deliberately being cold or spiteful so it all becomes Your fault.
  • healthcare79736
    healthcare79736 auria66713

    Posted

    Auria, best part is that you know your problem and everybody is empathatic to you.

    Go girl ! just see psychiatrist and you will be fine in 1 or 2 months.People who see psychiatrist are not crazy at all.Psychiatrist is also a doctor and telling your problem to your doc is no where crazy .Everybody do it and my girl , you should have every reason to be happy.

    Al the best. Love and my prayers to you.

    Take care.

  • boing333
    boing333 auria66713

    Posted

    I'd advise you to seek help through group therapy and increase your level of social activity. I'd also encourage you take more time to enjoy your hobbies, and if you have none, create them.

    Depression has a knack of making you feel as though you don't know who you are any more - which is a perfect excuse for you to create somebody new.

    At all costs, stay away from medication. Medication cannot often solve what a change in an environment can.

    • carmel83758
      carmel83758 boing333

      Posted

      I would advise you to go out even if alone and even if just for a short walk. At least once every other day and then build it up to longer and more often. Get involved in hobbies even if they are ones you do alone at home.

      If you see people do your best to ask them how they are and talk about them and happy things rather than about you and your feelings. That way you do not lose the friends you have.

    • auria66713
      auria66713 boing333

      Posted

      Thank you for the advice. smile I used to enjoy drawing, reading and even eating. But the current me finds it hard to even draw a flower and difficult to concentrate on reading a paragraph. I can't even eat more than a bowl of noodles a day. I'll my hardest to pick myself up again and try out new hobbies though!
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