I'm a complete idiot

Well said Yvonne I couldn't have put it better myself,

Sadly people think the grass is greener.  My husband has untreated MH issues and went to rebuild his life he has done so with an unattractive alcoholic woman, good luck to him his standards have slipped!  I have met a lovely new guy 10 years younger and I'm having the time of my life.

 

Good for you!  Sadly, many people who suffer from mental health issues try to self medicate with alcohol or other substances.  Addictive behavior is also prevalent so finding a codependent is what they end up doing eventually.  Two wrongs don't make a right, however.  You can only do so much and if they're not willing to take the steps to make things right not only for their family who loves them but for themselves, there's not much you can do sadly.  I lost a son due to alcoholism that I had no idea was as bad as it was.  He crashed his motorcycle and it killed him two days after I warned him about drinking so much on top of his medications for anxiety disorder, which I too suffer from but use biofeedback to control.  I told him the two don't mix so he cuts back on the medication so he can drink more!  Couldn't reach him!  No matter what I said never seemed to sink in and his father was of no help.  Very codependent and treated him more like a drinking buddy than a son in crisis!  I was scared to death and felt so helpless and my worst fears were finally realized.   I now wish I'd taken every bottle he had and poured it down the sink but when you're dealing with an adult that doesn't live with you, there is only so much you can do.  And when they have someone who enables their behavior that's a parent, it's even worse!  I didn't use enough "tough love" and would just beg him and tell him how frightened I was of what he was doing.  If they don't care enough about themselves to do something, they need to think of those around them they hurt and put through so much pain and that's where the selfishness comes in.  It's the substances that change who they are in that regard.  Then there's nothing you can do but hope and pray for a miracle.  Sadly in this instance, I'll live with the extreme guilt that I didn't do more to stop him.  Spouses can be replaced but your children cannot!  He never even had any kids of his own so therefore, no grandchildren for me as he was an only child.  More love and attention?  He pushed me away too and it was heartbreaking.  Now my life feels like a big dark  hole is in it that will never close and I have to just trudge on without him and not sure how long I can continue to look at his father.   He seems to feel no responsibility as he continues to drink.  I'm done and moving on with my own life even at this late age.  It's self preservation really.  Living with people like this has been a nightmare and I don't recommend anyone deal with it for their own good and whether it's clinical depression or not.  Try to get them some help, be there for them, especially a child or sibling, but you can only do so much for a mate.  It can make someone who is healthy, sick.  Not worth it. 

Yvonne I can't imagine how bad it must be to lose a child, you did everything that was in your power to do, you could have done no more.  I was told that my husband is an adult with capacity but like you say add drugs or alcohol into the mix and it's a very different story, a slippery slop to an even worse situation.  I tried the tough love, sadly it didn't work.

I realised my husband has always been coedependent, I laugh at the fact he said he had gone to rebuld his life and needed to live alone, I knew he could never cope alone he has never tried.  I know I will survive this sh*t and like you said it is all about our own preservation.

Thank you, Jackie.  It's on them at some point I think.  Interventions, etc. sometimes don't do anything.  I know I'm done here in my current situation.  I have no reason to stay and sometimes feel like if I'd left before, my son might have changed his course but who knows.  It was a stupid accident that might have not happened had he not been drinking.  I will miss him every day.