I’m dying inside..

Posted , 7 users are following.

I struggle with anxiety for a long time now. Lost my entire life cause of it. It wasn't a lot to begin with, but at least I had some little bride sparkles now and then. Now I have none. I'm almost 20 years old and I feel like my life is a sad story. I feel trapped in a infinite world of negativism. I never been a happy person in my entire life. Had a hard childhood with domestic violence which forged me into a person which I don't want to be. I have zero confidence in anything in life. I stopped with my study, because of anxiety. I stopped my job because of anxiety. I lost my friends because of anxiety. I lost any hopes for the future because of anxiety. I am busy with work again freelance, but I feel miserable all the time. Why can't there be some positive things in my life? Why do I deserve all these struggles? I want to get better and I am trying the best I can now, but I keep feeling so bad all the time. I feel I have no freedom in life and that I'm never fully relaxed. I want to grab a beer, go to a bar, meet new people and be a relaxed person with a positive attitude. I hate my character. I feel like I ain't good in anything. Maybe I have too high expectations of life. I feel like I not belong on this world. I have therapy for 2 years, but it doesn't help me out the way I would want. Trying therapy to therapy and nothing works

Anyway, I wanted to write some stuff off my shoulder. Thank you internet for making this possible.

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  • Posted

    aw poor you, at more than half my age you sound as despondent as i have in the past! have you any friends near you? a faith maybe? anyone you can talk to? you need a decent friend someone who you can offload to. we will try our best to help you on here, of course. what did you want from therapy, as you call it? were you even asked? maybe some mindfulness, yoga or something like that will help. i wish you luck, don't get to my age and leave this, you'll regret it, i have!

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    • Posted

      I'm sorry to hear you suffer(ed) from this as well.

      I had enough friends 2 years ago, but I'm isolated and I rarely see them. We still are friends, but there lifestyle is the opposite of mine and I can't keep up with them. They go to parties etc. when I'm being miserable laying down in my bed. I don't have a faith. I can talk to my psychologist and my mom, but that's basically it, but I feel they can't help me then they are already doing now.

      I already did like 6 forms of therapy and none worked out really well. I took medicine, but stopped, because that didn't work as well. I'm planning to do mindfulness if my current therapy doesn't work. I'm really tired of all those forms of therapy which don't work.

      I just keep feeling miserable and I'm feeling more ho

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    • Posted

      I try my best to explain things to my psychologist, but most of the time it's very hard to explain what I feel and where it comes from. Being constant in stress makes you feel foggy inside your head. Really hate that and it makes me uncomfortable all the time. I don't drink alcohol, because I'm afraid this foggy becomes worse and I'll lose control. I wish I'll be able to grab a beer again soon...

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    • Posted

      Hi therapy is something which can take a long time to help and if you are only 20 and have tried 6 times then you aren't giving it long enough. You won't see massive changes at once but small ones over time, but these little ones add up and become a big one.

      The same with meds as it can take 6 weeks to get fully into your system and they really kick in. It's often a case of trial and error to get the right ones but keep trying. There is lots of hope out there. Try and go to social events if you can but pick ones which are gentle and you can leave anytime you need to. x

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    • Posted

      6 different forms of therapy I meant. I'm doing therapy for 2 years now 1/2 times a week..

      I feel not ready for social events, although I want to so bad.. I can't go to something which is meant to be fun and turns out that I'm fully stressed, anxious and foggy in my head all the time.

      F**k my life. I'm so done living so limited and I hate what kind of person I am. I also don't feel really comfortable around new people. How can I when I'm stressed all the time and think I'm gonna lose control of myself. I am so frustrated. Is it my purpose to feel this way my entire life?

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    • Posted

      no you hang in their you have so much living to do,and believe me ive been where you are in my 20s i suffered such crippling anxiety and social phobia the only way i could socialise was get drunk which isnt the answer ,i lost the love of my life through this i turn 50 this year i still love him but his long gone .my life was transformed by a tablet called seroxat which gradually stopped the anxiety and depression, maybe this is something you could try ,all this talking therapy in my honest opinion is a waste of time ,mindfullness is very very hard to do if your a ball of anxiety,believe me you will get through this ,unfortunately i have been struck down again by bad depression and now having my own syruggles again but when i saw your post i felt the urge to reach out sometimes only a fellow sufferer knows how bad things can be ,sometimes a few ki nd words from a stranger can help ,idont know the answer ,but my life is full of regrets due to this condition, please dont give up hope xx

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    • Posted

      Hi Tez,

      I'm so sorry to hear that. This stuff is something nobody deserves, but at the other hand I try to believe that it isn't for nothing and it's a opportunity that not many people get. But being in there is a real disaster. I hope we can get out of this stronger one day then before.

      I can relate to your story a lot. I suffered from domestic violence for most of my life. After that was gone (now 5 years ago) I started to drink and smoking weed and did on 2 occasions other stuff as well to stay away from true reality. I'm not proud of it, but if look back at it I can understand myself why I did it and well.. At least it was a experience. Alcohol was the only thing for me to break out of my shield and had not anxiety socialising. Smoking weed and magic mushroom experience let me eventually go down hill entirely after a few bad trips.

      On the other hand. A goal which I want achieve is to be able to grab a beer at a bar without worries or anything and just enjoy it. I know my limits now more then well. If I one day can do that I know that I'm cured, because I didn't losing control let down my decision. But for now it's impossible, because I feel to bad to try it and there will be always stress. I actually tried a couple times when I was alone(Because I'm afraid of losing control), but it was not a huge success.

      Medicine feels like it isn't the key for me. Letting something control my mind is something which makes me really anxious. I took prozac and I stopped with it quit recently. I feel like I need a clear mind to start with to find answers.

      I wish I could find someone which I could love one day. I don't feel worthy for anyone now, because so much negativism going on. Like; Who the hell would date someone with this much issues? It really sucks thinking this way, but it feels like reality. I can't meet anyone either when I'm at home of course. But when I'm outside I still have a form of social anxiety. I'm afraid to let someone close to my comfort zone, so I have a sort of shield which makes me a sort of closed person. I'm afraid I'll stay alone all my life.

      I'm glad to read a story where I can relate to as much as this although the age gap. Hopefully you feel better soon. You already conquered it once, so it's possible!

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    • Posted

      Yes, I try my best. Today had a busy day for easter. I had some fun, but now I'm home again and I feel even worse. Seeing people living and enjoying there lives makes me depressed, because I'm afraid I can't anymore. I feel so down. I want to cry, but I can't. I never cry. It's my blocked emotion which I hate.

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    • Posted

      Hi yes I get this but it is very important that you don't isolate yourself as this will lead to further problems down the line. You need to make the effort and go to the odd one but like I said pick ones where you can leave if you need to.

      Another thing which might help is consider what is the worst that can happen? Ok you break down, have a panic attack or cry but it's not the end of the world. I remember doing this in a pub with workmates many years ago. Something just snapped in me and I sat on the toilet floor refusing to come out. I felt like I had a hole in my psyche which was bleeding and I couldn't stop it. They were very kind and kept coming in to talk to me. When I eventually came out a friend immediately offered to spent the night at mine as she was worried about me. The sky didn't fall in, I didn't get sacked, and eventually I moved on. x

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    • Posted

      hi did you dm me i didnt get it i will try and help ,are you male or female and guess early 20s or am im wrong im loosing the thread a bit so am going to try and dm you just saw a reply about someone telling you to google xanax website this is not a good idea ,i will dm you if i can ,i know what you mean when you so want to cry and cant im struggling with my own depression my father is so unwell he is having ect he is my rock its breaking me seeing him like he is but i cannot cry i cant they wont come ,i feel too everyone is living a normal life but me ,im so isolated i have one good friend ,thats it im glad you had some fun today ,do you live alone im asking these questions not being nosey but just to get some understanding of your situation ,you have youth on your side you may be able to help me i have wisdom and regret i may be able to help you ,which may help us both feel a tad better x your not alone ,it may feel like it but your not warmest wishes my friend x your life will change for the better xx and i know every 5 mins can feel like a hour etc i know that panic i know when ive been so low and rang up the crisis team and they tild me to be calm do a jigsaw take a bath i wanted to run up the road screaming ,bit im still here still yrying in this crazy world to fit in but once it took a few kind words from a stranger to keep me going xx

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    • Posted

      Yes I know isolating myself doesn't make things better, but now that I'm doing more stuff then before it actually makes me even more depressed.

      What's the worst what could happen is something which is helpful in high anxiety moments yes. I asked this myself yesterday when I was in the train and I wasn't feeling well. But at such a moment it's hard to think that way.

      What I said I have fear of losing control. I am afraid I will go mad and scream in a bus for example or doing something else what's weird, afraid I will get even more foggy and forget who I am and harm myself or someone else. I know I'm not that person, but these thoughts makes me so tired, depressive and at the moment when I have it anxious.

      I wish I could cry, but I can't. I feel stuck in emotions. Something I try it, but 20 seconds later I just feel retarted to try to cry.

      I wish I could drink a beer again. Just let that control and all the worries fade away for once. I know in my situation that would be the key at the end and I will know that I am better.

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    • Posted

      i have had the worst day ive had for so long,i cant even write what has happened, but i now feel broken ,i long for my dear dad too get better ,ive cried ive sobbed and sobbed everything is wrong ,ive just got in bed and feel i will never be ableto getup ,the mental health system is still totslly screwed up ,whats the point anymore i give in !!

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    • Posted

      I feel sorry to read that Tez,

      Remember every moment is temporary. I can't help you more then saying that, because I don't what going on, but I know you get up from this with all your experience.

      I wish you luck and remember that talking about it (especially to your close ones if you have the chance) is always better to keep it all to your self.

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