I'm in the same boat!

Thankyou so much for replying , you have a son so it's great to speak to somebody who is or has been feeling the same way as me.

I used to be so full of life and laughter but I find that is slowly draining out of me while I'm suffering with this.

I find speaking to my fiancée the hardest thing in the world even though he should be the one person I talk too.

I know it must be frustrating for him, I just wish he knew how frustrating it is for me living with it.

Hiding that I'm crying sometimes at night because I know if I was to say something was wrong all he does is get angry and say "go to a doctor then!" But I just can't , out of fear of being told bad news.

I don't as it happens.

I'm really good at telling people they need with their own demons but totally rubbish at confronting my own!

I suppose I have buried things so deep over the last 10-15 years that I'm scared of somebody unearthing it all.

I like to think I am stronger than I know I am deep down I just think to myself "no just get on with it, things to do!"

it does sound like you have buried things so deep and probably need to let them out to find what the twigger was for your aniexty and when you get help that should put you on a path to coping better with the anixety or healing from it x

I agree, I have had 2 close family members die from cancer one just recently and one when I was young and 3 more suffering with it.

For some reason I have never linked my and it to that... Even though that seems to be an obvious reason!

i thought the same, but then i had an anxiety relapse after nearly 5 years, do not make the same mistake i did. I'm currently on a waiting list for therapy and my appointment isn't until the end up June.

Can you reconsider and try to get some help?

5 years really ? Wow that must have really shocked you.

What a shame to go for so long, I really hope that you manage to get the help.

The system fails so many people who really need help.

I think sometimes that may be why I shy away, I feel like I'm wasting their much needed time, if that makes sense x

that could be it then but i would get checked over by a doctor. iam sorry for your loss as well that must of been hard on you and that could be linked to why you worry you might have it x

Realistically , non of these family members have been blood . Which I know sound terrible haha!

Thankyou so much for replying, and for your advice .x

As an observer..you seem to have a decent grasp on what is happening.i think you might believe it gets cured, goes away forever. It doesnt its a oart of your brain. Its more about mastering yourself through rationale. Self calming techniques the physical ones like you know as cbt (utube,books), bellybio learn proper breathing, coming on here as long as you do not absorb others issues, eating balanced..then as you are self teaching and learning all this before you know it youll be called upon for the therapy part. So much of this is an internal battle, and setbacks happen, and stress hapoens, and it sucks so bad at times but it passes.it will pass as long as you believe in yourself and in that it lasses. Its ups and down. But its a oart of you so to exoect it to be gone or go back to "yourself" is really denial and not reality. You will have a new self, a stringer self over time. I think anyone who experiences oanic attacks is very strong! I dont care some people come on here and say mean stuff about it being a weakness, noway! It takes incredible focus and stregnth to battle this. And it is possible.the connection of understanding it and getting it into your subcincious so it can become automatic is the challenge. Reason its so hard is be ause you are honestly dealing with a mal functiom of your amyglada thats the truth. Scientist are having a hard time with a fix because they cant create something to destroy that oart of your brain or you will have no memories and no fear and thats very dangerous. It also needs to be universal fix so its a challenge but new technology is proovinig it is a mal function and hooefully some genius will fugure it out. They do keep trials going but so far nothing concrete. I think i went off topic but i just wanted to say i think you are a lot brighter  then you realize. Add a gallon of self love and i bet you will have this all managed again. June is very close by. 

You're not wasting anyone's time, it's better to get your issues out of the way before they get worse, right?

Thank you so much for the kind words.

It sucks beating it for so long then having it triggered again.

Your comment really means a lot to me, we're all in this together, right?

Yes. And guess what..we will all manage it together as well. Time and patience and a lot of self trusting love. Im similiar to you i beat it for years at a time but  it returns, ive accepted it i hate it and sometimes it makes me very fearful of what i already have going on, but i really know it waxes and wanes at this point in my life. Still messes things up but it does wax and wane as long as you do not feed into it. I will say with certainty a good blanaced diet makes a difference. High  magnesium foods.That i am one hundred percent certain. I dont think our bodies can handle too much junk foods or addidtives..very sensitive.

for sure, i totally get it. 

why did yours relapse?

I believe because my youngest daughter had a few issues as a toddler and it was scary. All worked out shes grown and all is well but at the time i didnt have a crystal ball. Then stupidly i was driving and literally said  to myself wow i remeber when this would have given me a panic attack and BOOM they came back for a couple of years then left again. Then each time a overwhelming life event occured it returned. About a decade ago i started getting ailments and issues and anxiety now waxes and wanes. The last big one began being diagnosed with optic nerve pallor and some of my perioheral vision got effected and science is still working on figuring out how to regenerate the optic nerve. But i truly panicked terrible six week straight until i was able to get a grip on it because i honestly realize worrying might at first be some form of off comfort but in the long run it is destructive and destroys a person. I have glitches with it. Its a battle.it really is one of the most counter productive, self destroying thing you can do to yourself by feeding into it. I dont think anyone brings it on themself at all, it a sensory overload mal function thing i explained before so slowly and consistently you have to manage it and use every tool or resource you can to manage it to where you can live and enjoy your life. Anytime you feel good appreciate it and go do something fun or that you love. Im going on three decades of this. Again its been away years at a span but still a long time. The first year is the worst because denial is huge so instead of focusing in positive, calming techniques you google, i didnt have google thank God, but you still get that feeling something is very bad (before google feeling doom but now looking stuff up would equate to a nightmare) and when it flares I think the worst and then get myself to a point where i stop, not cured, just stoo thinking because how is the body going to heal when your feeding it poisonous thoughts? Right it cant. The body can only heal in a state of calm. So its very counter productive to give in. But the leaving the house thing must be challanges at times that had become terrible thats when i reviewed everything i could. Now with ailments and such (optic nerve and other stuff im not old) i get nervous. So im usually with people in crowded places. I do take walks though im mostly fine with it if i get qnxiety or q dizzy spell or anxiety attacks, and yes it happens i go home and relisten to a podcast or book. I always rechallenge it. Therapy is good as long as the person understand anxiety some dont and give the dumbest advice. I did biofeedback and therapy a long time ago that was the longest run i had without anxiety, does not mean tou dont worry about stuff, you do but huge difference between worrying and a panic attack.i think cbt is very similiar but bio feedback you do with machines so you know what your breathing and thoughts actually do and you can see the calming. The have some belly bio thing availalable which seems great and can use with your phone. This is mainly an internal battle. Therapy is good to sort out your thoughts in a rationale way and to understand self sabotage. Its what you put into it that you will get out of it. I dont use meds, i did a very long time ago. Weaning off was so traumatic not doing that route nor can i because of my optic nerve anyway. Only works in half the people anyway. An emergency xanax i have used, meds are for a time a crisis i dont feel they serve a purpose long term. People have attacks on them. Never works for anyone at some point you have to wean off or change them anyway but in a crisis state of course. They are noway a cure yet for anxiety attacks (excluding depression i dont have depression), not th ones on the market today. They can mask some of it yes. No matter what it still comes back to yourself and your own managing skills. I think cbt should be taught in elementary school to every single kid because that would save so many kids from so much stress later in their lives. Knowledge is power. Not understanding it, not accepting it is the worst thing that goes on. Doctors do not all understand it and are limitied what they are allowed to do. They cant run every test on every person or give out brain scans to everyone with anxiety. Very Expensive and not enough resources to handle all that. They know what the signs of illness are vs. anxiety but they need to slow down with the pills. Its ridiculous 250 million people takes ssris, 50 million on Xanax, 40million on ambien and the numbers grow daily. One third of all those need it only..and that is terrifying. But they have no other recourse so they perscribe it. We need a new branch of psychology to emerge to teach cbt, meditation, self calming tools and mindfullness and everyone should be able to get an appt. woth these counselors. That should be the perscription before pills and would creat a ton of jobs. Its all a bit Scary but i have faith they figure this out eventually and if it is a pill thats a cure id take it, but only if prooven a cure and since its a malfunction my guess it will be what caused the mal function that they cure. Anyway sorry 

Long long rant there.but you asked haha. I hope you know you will get back to where it is all manageable. You will you must believe that with every cell in your body

Thank you so much for your story!

I found that I've turned to religion so much more now because of anxiety.

Are you the same way?

What made your return?

A close friend unexpectedly died before his 30th birthday, it really messed me up.

but grief is hard for everyone, right?

Im so sorry. Thats a big deal. Yes grief is hard for everyone but age and circumstances plays a big role in acceptance of it. Your friend was young. You will sort this through and some therapy might just be the best thing to help with that. 

Thank you so much, your words mean so much to me.

If you ever need anything, post on here or feel free to send me a PM.

None of us are alone and we can beat this.

Good luck and all the best!