I'm losing hope

Posted , 4 users are following.

Anxiety is a freakin plague, let's face it. I've been trying to be positive for almost an entire year since I started feeling this way and I'm honestly getting more and more tired. Mentally more than anything. I'm losing hope in myself. 

I just feel like God, or whatever is out there, is really testing me. I've recently been diagnosed with an enlarged lymph node and am due for a biopsy in the near future (don't know when yet). I'm back to waking up with upset stomach, diarrhea (I know, TMI), feeling like I'm going to lose it, sweaty palms, like I just want to run away from all this. 

I'm just terrified of cancer or some other disease. I've already been through so much trauma in my life, I don't know how I could handle something like that. I really don't know why I even posted this. I don't know what I expect people to say that hasn't already been said. I don't know how it would help, but I don't know what else to do.

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  • Posted

    Hey Mitch, hang in there! I've been feeling bad for about 2 years now. I know its hard but we will overcome. As per your lymph node, I had an englarged lymph node as well and everthing came back fine. Turns out I had a virus brewing that p*ssed off my lymp node and in a couple months it settled down. hope all turns out well for you.

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    • Posted

      My GP reassured me it *could* be benign. I feel calm at times because I don't have any symptoms that point to cancer, or at least an aggressive one. I mean, I've had the lymph node for 8 months with no noticable growth so that can also be a good sign? But I think my anxiety takes me into these dark, dark places. I know that's what I need to address first. I'm hoping it's nothing too big *fingers crossed*

      Thank you for your encouraging words. 

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  • Posted

    Hi Mitch,

    It sounds like the biopsy is non urgent which is why you don't as yet have an appointment date. Everyone I know who has needed a biopsy if there was a concern by the medical profession, has had them almost immediately, my own son included.

    I know you are frightened and imagining the worst but this is exacerbating your anxiety and as a consequence your symptoms are back with a bang. Please dear try not to freak yourself out. The likelihood of this being cancer or something else scarey, is minimal. GP's/ Specialist are aware of "danger " signs and act accordingly and at once.

     

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    • Posted

      That actually makes me feel a bit better. She didn't seem to be too worried about getting a biopsy urgently. In fact, she said "we'll get you another ultrasound in 6 weeks to see if there is any growth and if you want I can refer you to a surgeon for a biopsy". I also don't seem to be having any abnormal symptoms considering the lymph node has been enlarged for 8 months. 

      My anxiety is far more upsetting than the idea of a disease, honestly. My anxiety had stopped me from doing so much in life that the idea of dying prematurely makes me realize how much I've let this thing control my life. Sadly, there are days when I spend hours crying and neglecting my family. I've been avoiding medication for it, but I don't think I can do this alone anymore...

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  • Posted

    The way what people say can help....if you believe them and take the advice given. There are people on this forum that have been dealing with, and living good lives with anxiety for many, many years.

    Until you accept that you are dealing with anxiety, dear Mitch, it will keep owning you. Step one....doctor or psychiatrist, and stay with it until diagnosed and prescribed for. Step two....you have to choose to find ways to help yourself have the life you want, and this is the place to start doing that. I have read lots of great coping ideas here.

    Third,...take a whole afternoon to scroll through the various anxiety discussions in this forum.. I still learn things when I do that. Finally,...if you can't change that you are dealing with anxiety, the one thing you can change is your attitude about it.

    Are you really settling down to letting it sit on you any longer, or are you going to take your life back? That is the real question, Mitch. Only you can change things. We can cheer you on, support you and care what happens to you, but you are the only person in this world that can DO something about this.Big hugs and a kiss on the cheek, Honey. The ball is in your court.

     

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    • Posted

      I want my life back, for sure. And even though I've been avoiding medication for almost a year now, I think it will be the first step out of this state of mind. Thank you so much for the advice and compassion. I really appreciate everyone whose ever reponded to me on this forum. 

      You guys save lives!! Seriously!!

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  • Posted

    No doubt this whole disorder absolutely sucks.it is a journey of becoming someone else who doing the things, think and reacts differently or unbecoming who you are and how resilient you are. Its a journey, a hard one but this is manageable most of the time. You just must realize thinking the same thoughts, worrying about the same stuff, living the same past experiences of symptoms and fears will not make a healthy you. You need to change. Basically breaking the habit of being you..thats a book too a really good one. Hinthint. God didnt do this. You have to make changes and you are not. In term of your biopsy..doctors arent allowed to say they removed stuff and not send them out for a biopsy. They wont get paid and it protocol so relax. Yes yes it is nerve racking in the 5% chance something is wrong. I hope it all pans out well. But do you think youll be all cured after that news? I dont.. You will search for something else. your answer lies in breaking the ocd and its viscious cycle of having the same mindset non stop. The start is accepting you have a disorder, a. ACcept it because you have to break the same circle of thoughts you have day in and day out. Once you get to the acceptance of omg this is a disorder i have in my mind what can i do to change this? You first get to begin your journey out of this. I dont know why it takes so mnay sooo long to get to that point but it does. Only then can you search remidies and different ways to acquire self calming tools and skills. Before that acceptance point your playing an evil game with yourself and it can get worse, more intense it will do whatever it wants too because you are feeding into it.dont say you cant help it, you can. You can help it by accepting it. It will automatically change your mindset of how you procees once accepted. Then everything you "try" makes more sense. You dont have a mysterious disease. You can have ailments that coexist with this disorder, many of us do. Yes this mal function exists, no theres no cure. They dont know how to reset the fight or flight Change your mindset so you can have a decent life with this. Look into therapy, look into cbt and therapy together, look into books, and workbooks to help with this. Learn about it. We all know it sucks. None argueing on that but please ACCEPT you have  an anxiety disorder already. It will be so much easier on that journey then the one you are on. 

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