I'm not suicidal but i'm so tired of being alive
Posted , 21 users are following.
hi sorry for bad English in advance
i feel so sick of life , i just don't want to live anymore , i never think about taking my own life , unfortunately i think that's the coward's way out which sucks because if i didn't think like that it would be over by now , there are so many things that still make me happy and i'm trying to focus on them but i don't know how much longer i can fool myself , i'm 27 and i think i'll never be in charge of my life . i'm a teacher in my country and i always loved it , the job , the kids , the ways you affect them when you teach them something new , and you'll never get bored the kids always do something new and crazy ! but also my biggest problem IS my job ! one year after i started teaching i was sent to one of the most underprivileged areas of my country and i thought it's going to be a new experience and it was , not a good experience though ! we don't have clean water there the salary is minimum , i don't have anything in common with their people , and i'm always sick there and there isn't even a doctor there . . . I've been there for 4 years by now , i tried to move somewhere else but useless (i don't know how it is in your country, but here you teach where they tell you) and i started to hate everything in life , i mean i had some trouble before and i have been always a little dark , but these last few years it took a turn for the worst !
i feel awful that i don't want to help those kids anymore , i feel awful that i'm not in control of my life , i feel awful that i can't be with my family , i want to quit my job and move on but i realize i invested so many years in this job and also i love doing it , and then i realize i don't even have any other skills and my education degree is basically useless anywhere else , i'm also dealing with a lot of stuff from my childhood , and thinking of my future ................ it's all so overwhelming ! i tried to take a step back and not think about it all at once , but it all sucks !!! my past is awful my present is awful and i really can't see a bright future . . .
my family tells me to stick with it and it will get better , they said the same thing 4 years ago , sometimes i think they say that because they know i can't do better ....... i know i have to make a big decision for my life, but i'm just scared and confused .
i was always the guy everyone wanted to be around , i was sarcastic and funny , i was full of life and love for everyone , and now i'm always explosive and angry at everything , i don't care about my family and friends anymore i picked up smoking , stopped working out , sometimes i fantasize about getting a terminal disease and just dying , and i just try to make myself feel nothing and its working i'm starting to feel nothing , last week i was thinking about my mom and how i would feel if she passed on and i just couldn't come up with anything , i always loved my mom and her dying was one of my biggest fears in life and now i just don't care .
i really wish i could sleep and never wake up, i hate being alive
2 likes, 24 replies
barbara22845 farhood08072
Posted
Im truly sorry for your circumstance and couldn't imagine it. We take things for granted here and are far more priviledged then we realize. If you can't choose where you teach and thats your degree I can see how this is depressing. Since you don't have choices, you can give up or make the best of it. I know that sounds harsh but your killing yourself the way things are now. Can you get antidepressants where you are? Any theapy you could get there. Thats how we do things. Rotten arent we. I wish I could do something to help but of course I can't , except to listen and encourage you . Is there any chance of doing things with these children that would brighten there days. I always get more out of helping others, then they get from my help. I wish you all the best.
farhood08072 barbara22845
Posted
thank you for your kind words, actually writing about it helped way more than I imagined, a friend of mine suggested it ! but i feel better now .
I was actually raised in a big city and I guess I'm a little spoiled in that way, I can work in these harsh conditions a year or two, but 4 years in a row is unbearable and the summer is almost over so I'm looking at the fifth year! I guess that's why I'm so down these days. . .
what's eating at me these days is that I was about to study electrical engineering at a pretty good school when I found out I'm also eligible for an education degree at a less desirable school and since I always knew how much I enjoy teaching I signed up for that! it makes me mad that one single choice can change your life like that ! what was i thinking ?!
g.90572 farhood08072
Posted
I'm so glad to hear you have a friend . I find it hard to believe there are no adults that you can become friends with. Have you thought of tutoring adults. Are there any waiting lists you can put your name on for school or transfer? Don't spend too much time thinking you missed out on something great
farhood08072 g.90572
Posted
Well, I'm working on a transfer and it looks good so far, but I don't want to get my hopes up. . .
I've got no problem socializing with others, but I work in a very small village with very very simple people, I really can't talk only about crops and weather every day for 4 years!!!
g.90572 farhood08072
Posted
helen_12954 farhood08072
Posted
So sorry u feel this way.
U r right in that writing stuff down does help.
I think u have worked so hard to get where u r but obviously where u r now is not a great place.
I live in a place where we have complete control of where we work, if we don't like it we leave and actively look elsewhere.
I don't know where ur from but if it is making u ill as u do sound depressed is there no one u can talk to and tell them?
Sending hugs xxx
farhood08072 helen_12954
Posted
thank you Helen, I'm really not comfortable talking about how I feel to someone else, I know it's stupid but I can't help it ! I even booked a session with a therapist, but I couldn't go through !! the Anonymity of the net really helps . . .
stevo1975 farhood08072
Posted
farhood08072 stevo1975
Posted
Honestly, I was thinking if I don't get that transfer I should just leave my job, I've been playing around with that idea in my head for a year now...
stevo1975 farhood08072
Posted
Do what makes you happy Farhood thats number 1 even if you have to stop working and train for a few months it may prove to be the best thing you ever did
borderriever farhood08072
Posted
You have mentioned a new job away from where you are now, What I cannot understand will your family b with you when you change your position as I may be wrong, your family is not with you at this time.
Do you feel the work you do now the children are lacking in basic education and are tired of educating this level of student and you feel lost and forgotton at this time, Your education standard is waisted where you are now and now want a challenge in your occupation.
All I can really suggest is you become more proactive when looking for a new position it may be not education you decide to do so you need to be more dynamic and persistent in looking for that new job. It seems not very good that the State can dictate where you work, so giving that could you move another country, located in a nieghbouring country if you are unable to move on from this odious position.
The problem you have here is your are been eaten up by your lack of choice and desires.
A change is as good as a rest, you need to move on or you will be eaten up and spat out
With regard your Depressive state, I do not know your location so I cannot really advise. If the country you live in is still third world, your condition and it treatment is very problematic. When I was at College a country was educating people from th third world, could you complement your Education to cover Europe or other area. You could also pay for CBT etc as you were boosting your qualifications.
BOB
Rocky70 farhood08072
Posted
Rocky70 farhood08072
Posted
Esau11 farhood08072
Posted
ann72204 farhood08072
Posted
t101 ann72204
Posted
I despise and even feel hate towards God. I have never felt his love or presence. And I am NOT a bad or evil person. Now at 49 I see God as a someone to fear, someone who plays favorites, favoring the wealthy and the bad people. Ive had to go through so much in my life and have fought so hard to overcome it. From my earliest days off childhood with clear memory, I've been hurt by the Church (not sexually) but physically and emotionally.
I am NOT SUICIDAL ! I have several means and opportunity, but not the motivation to end it all. Having said that, I am tired of living. With the exception of a little bit here, and a few pieces there, I've never been truly happy. Thank you God. I have no living family, save a 22 yr old daughter hates me. I was granted Sole Custody of her when she was 3, but she was kidnapped by her mother at age 4. I spent over 25,000 dollars (my life savings and withdrew my retirement pension early) to retain lawyers and chase them into 4 states who wouldn't honor my Custody Order. My true friends since childhood are deceased. I lost my career in public safety commander after being injured in the line of duty. 7 herniated discs in my neck and back, and a broken jaw and nose. I live in chronic pain which is only partially relieved by medication, and I'm not being given sufficient quantity even though it is evident to the Fing world that I'm not abusing or addicted. I've had to undergo 3 surgeries to my jaw. The last one of 45 days ago required the pulling of my remaining teeth, 11 with only local anesthetic. I suffer from chronic insomnia. My forced retirement was some 10 years ago. I did seek treatment for depression - all they did was throw pills at me. They made me feel worse, and I'm not even counting the side effects. To regress, I earned Two University Degrees, Two Post Grad Certificates, and have Three Professional Designations (letters behind my name). I was on the fast track up the ladder, and if not for the injuries/forced retirement I would have been Deputy Superintendent . Six years ago my second wife of seven years started cheating, and disappeared with another man. Before she left she had me arrested on false criminal charges and while I was in jail, robbed the house. My defense attorney cost several thousand dollars. The charges against me were dismissed and perjury charges filed against her, but never enforced.
Since then, life is a burden. Life has no meaning. I feel like everything was for nothing. I curse God for dumping all this on me, and for totally ignoring my pleas for some help or relief. Last year my house was flooded. The insurance company wouldn't cover all the damage. So now I have no carpeting, I'm walking on bare concrete. Plumbing to the main bathroom became corrupted. Etc...
Two years ago I rang the Priest looking for some comfort, only to have him play Amateur Psychologist and report me to the police, who removed me in chains and took me to the emergency department. After 4 hours I was released. I will never forgive him and I will never trust any other Priest again. So where was God? I was embarrassed and shamed in front of my neighbors, more accurately they are people who live on the same street.
I'm forced to live, if you can call it that, on less than 1,000 a month. After expenses I have nothing left. No discretionary funds, nothing for "enjoyment". The few people I've spoken to about my "life" have offered trite suggestions, i.e. go do volunteer work, take a trip, get a hobby, etc. How the hell am I supposed to do that when I'm in pain and or broke? Ive made many concerted effort to make friends. I've tried to find a girlfriend, but in that respect I'm either too broke, too ugly, or both? Surprisingly enough, I still have the capacity to give love and affection. But I'm worthless.
I've begged God etc for some help. I've yelled and cursed and cried. All to no good. Id rather have some peace and happiness in this life, because I have no hope for, or belief in heaven or eternal happiness.
I've Cheated death 3 times, and I regret it. And I'll reiterate that I am NOT SUICIDAL. I m too much the coward. If I were lucky enough to die in my sleep, no one would know or miss me, save possibly the mail carrier when the mailbox became overstuffed after about two months, and or smell my decomposing corpse.
I don't drink nor use illicit drugs nor abuse the prescription meds. I took all my diplomas and junk off the wall and tossed them in a box because looking at them only remind me of what I was, and the failure I've turned into. I quit church because I don't feel any of God's love, nor fellowship with the parishioners.ive even been insulted and spoken ill of by my "brothers and sisters in Christ. If I could find (and I've tried) just one REAL friend like my dead ones, or if I could find just one REAL girlfriend who would value or appreciate me for who and what I am, not just "use" me for thier benefit. But it seems that I'm too worthless, ugly, broke...? I could find it in my heart and head to give true love, affection, friendship etc, if I could find those who wouldn't use and hurt me. I've tried to offer my services in a volunteer capacity as best as my pain allows only to be ignored. I've even tried a few online singles sites , and not focusing on the most beautiful women. Only , it seems, to be passed over even by some less "popular" women for men who are "hot" and well-off. These women advertise that they want a gentleman, a guy who will be faithful, who isn't a "player", who won't abuse them, who isn't a drunk... I meet the "criteria" and more. Save that I'm only a 5 out of 10 in looks, that I can't shower them with gifts, or that I can't ride a bike or hike 10 miles or similar. Sexually I'm still good to go. Everything down there works.
If God wants to stop torturing me and play fair, he'd say that I didn't do anything myself to have destroyed my life.
I don't believe in the hype "everything happens for a reason", or "let go let God", or "Sometimes the answer is No/Not now" and similar BS.
What do I have to live for? Could things be worse? Yeah. I could be blind, or deaf, or paralyzed... And I'm afraid of God dumping one or more of those on me.
I'm too much of a coward to actually commit suicide, or even injure myself on purpose. But I'm tired of living with No happiness, No purpose, Unloved, Unwanted.
bethany56272 t101
Posted
You can't expect God to help you when you almost hate him. Begging and crying won't make God do what you want, he can't be manipulated, the Bible says to have faith in him and that everything happens for the glory of God. If you are begging, cursing and crying then you obviously have no faith in God!
It says in the Bible that it can be very bad to be rich because a rich person has less need for God so if you were lucky enough to be rich it wouldn't necessarily be a blessing. Id rather be poor and need and follow God than be rich and never have the need for God and therefore never finding salvation. You don't even realise how self destructive your attitude is!!! God never promised that life would be easy but he says he will never put us through anything we can't handle. I wouldn't continue down the Catholic road though. Try listening to John MacArthur, he has an app where you can listen to sermons for free (grave to you). He goes by the bible. Catholics and a lot of churches tend to pick and choose and add things in. Catholics are a little confused all together lol God does love you and everybody who reads this.
bethany56272
Posted
rebecca59299 t101
Posted
I know how you feel. I have very similar feelings but created by very different circumstances. I don't have any suggestions, I just wanted to reach out and say I understand how you feel.