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I'm not suicidal but i'm so tired of being alive

Posted , 21 users are following.

farhood08072
farhood08072

hi sorry for bad English in advance

i feel so sick of life , i just don't want to live anymore , i never think about taking my own life , unfortunately i think that's the coward's way out which sucks because if i didn't think like that it would be over by now , there are so many things that still make me happy and i'm trying to focus on them but i don't know how much longer i can fool myself , i'm 27 and i think i'll never be in charge of my life . i'm a teacher in my country and i always loved it , the job , the kids , the ways you affect them when you teach them something new , and you'll never get bored the kids always do something new and crazy ! but also my biggest problem IS my job ! one year after i started teaching i was sent to one of the most underprivileged areas of my country and i thought it's going to be a new experience and it was , not a good experience though ! we don't have clean water there the salary is minimum , i don't have anything in common with their people , and i'm always sick there and there isn't even a doctor there . . . I've been there for 4 years by now , i tried to move somewhere else but useless (i don't know how it is in your country, but here you teach where they tell you) and i started to hate everything in life , i mean i had some trouble before and i have been always a little dark , but these last few years it took a turn for the worst !

i feel awful that i don't want to help those kids anymore , i feel awful that i'm not in control of my life , i feel awful that i can't be with my family , i want to quit my job and move on but i realize i invested so many years in this job and also i love doing it , and then i realize i don't even have any other skills and my education degree is basically useless anywhere else , i'm also dealing with a lot of stuff from my childhood , and thinking of my future ................ it's all so overwhelming ! i tried to take a step back and not think about it all at once , but it all sucks !!! my past is awful my present is awful and i really can't see a bright future . . .

my family tells me to stick with it and it will get better , they said the same thing 4 years ago , sometimes i think they say that because they know i can't do better ....... i know i have to make a big decision for my life, but i'm just scared and confused .

i was always the guy everyone wanted to be around , i was sarcastic and funny , i was full of life and love for everyone , and now i'm always explosive and angry at everything , i don't care about my family and friends anymore i picked up smoking , stopped working out , sometimes i fantasize about getting a terminal disease and just dying , and i just try to make myself feel nothing and its working i'm starting to feel nothing , last week i was thinking about my mom and how i would feel if she passed on and i just couldn't come up with anything , i always loved my mom and her dying was one of my biggest fears in life and now i just don't care .

i really wish i could sleep and never wake up, i hate being alive

2 likes, 24 replies

24 Replies

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  • jusith74728
    jusith74728 farhood08072

    Posted

    Totally have lived this...get out of there.  Taught in Bush Alaska...same deal...just leave.  No one cares about you...Just God and you.   Understand you are waisting your spirit on this BS...Better things are ahead of you...I know that too1   smile

     

  • mevans68
    mevans68 farhood08072

    Posted

    I won't get into my life story right now, but I know how you feel (re: feeling like not waking up). I'm in my late 40's, and let's just say that my beautiful ex-wife's betrayal has left me feeling worthless. She wasn't very cerebral, but I loved her despite her emotional disconnect throughout our relationship. I'm not wealthy by any stretch, but I've been told that I'm a kind soul and an animal lover. Despite the positive affirmations by my mother and my peers, my confidence has gone south, and it feels like it's permanent. I don't even want to date. Solitude and sleeping seem to be all that I enjoy now. If it wasn’t for my parents and the horror it would create for them, my life would probably be over.

  • mari0923
    mari0923 farhood08072

    Posted

    Hello, just a tiny part of how I feel today:

     I have so much pain, I can’t with the guilt, it have been so much for me (like all single mom with 2 kids), I’m just so tired of been hurt, of been rejected for been strong, for been independent, for not having a super model body, I have no words, I don’t know where to begin. My son starting to be/act/talk like his father that I can’t take it, I left him because I didn’t’ want that life for my kids and  now is repeating like it was yesterday, am just hurt, alone, lonely, sad, just too tired, etc,etc,etc... I am not suicidal, I still put my kids first than me, I just want to be loved...

  • robinb
    robinb farhood08072

    Posted

     I feel exactly the same way. I used to be the life of the party, social butterfly, donated over 400 hours a year to charity, was there for everybody, dependable, trustworthy, I wish I could say that was the end. But it isn’t. I was attacked in a horrible manner and I won’t going to details but it changed my entire life.  All I know is I don’t see the point anymore. There has to be a reason why we exist and I say exist because that’s all I do anymore. I’m alive, I do what I have to do to function. But every minute of every day I wish I were the one that had quickly died or disappeared. My dream would be to go to sleep tonight and never wake up
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