I'm not suicidal but i'm so tired of being alive
Posted , 21 users are following.
hi sorry for bad English in advance
i feel so sick of life , i just don't want to live anymore , i never think about taking my own life , unfortunately i think that's the coward's way out which sucks because if i didn't think like that it would be over by now , there are so many things that still make me happy and i'm trying to focus on them but i don't know how much longer i can fool myself , i'm 27 and i think i'll never be in charge of my life . i'm a teacher in my country and i always loved it , the job , the kids , the ways you affect them when you teach them something new , and you'll never get bored the kids always do something new and crazy ! but also my biggest problem IS my job ! one year after i started teaching i was sent to one of the most underprivileged areas of my country and i thought it's going to be a new experience and it was , not a good experience though ! we don't have clean water there the salary is minimum , i don't have anything in common with their people , and i'm always sick there and there isn't even a doctor there . . . I've been there for 4 years by now , i tried to move somewhere else but useless (i don't know how it is in your country, but here you teach where they tell you) and i started to hate everything in life , i mean i had some trouble before and i have been always a little dark , but these last few years it took a turn for the worst !
i feel awful that i don't want to help those kids anymore , i feel awful that i'm not in control of my life , i feel awful that i can't be with my family , i want to quit my job and move on but i realize i invested so many years in this job and also i love doing it , and then i realize i don't even have any other skills and my education degree is basically useless anywhere else , i'm also dealing with a lot of stuff from my childhood , and thinking of my future ................ it's all so overwhelming ! i tried to take a step back and not think about it all at once , but it all sucks !!! my past is awful my present is awful and i really can't see a bright future . . .
my family tells me to stick with it and it will get better , they said the same thing 4 years ago , sometimes i think they say that because they know i can't do better ....... i know i have to make a big decision for my life, but i'm just scared and confused .
i was always the guy everyone wanted to be around , i was sarcastic and funny , i was full of life and love for everyone , and now i'm always explosive and angry at everything , i don't care about my family and friends anymore i picked up smoking , stopped working out , sometimes i fantasize about getting a terminal disease and just dying , and i just try to make myself feel nothing and its working i'm starting to feel nothing , last week i was thinking about my mom and how i would feel if she passed on and i just couldn't come up with anything , i always loved my mom and her dying was one of my biggest fears in life and now i just don't care .
i really wish i could sleep and never wake up, i hate being alive
2 likes, 24 replies
jusith74728 farhood08072
Posted
mevans68 farhood08072
Posted
I won't get into my life story right now, but I know how you feel (re: feeling like not waking up). I'm in my late 40's, and let's just say that my beautiful ex-wife's betrayal has left me feeling worthless. She wasn't very cerebral, but I loved her despite her emotional disconnect throughout our relationship. I'm not wealthy by any stretch, but I've been told that I'm a kind soul and an animal lover. Despite the positive affirmations by my mother and my peers, my confidence has gone south, and it feels like it's permanent. I don't even want to date. Solitude and sleeping seem to be all that I enjoy now. If it wasn’t for my parents and the horror it would create for them, my life would probably be over.
mari0923 farhood08072
Posted
Hello, just a tiny part of how I feel today:
I have so much pain, I can’t with the guilt, it have been so much for me (like all single mom with 2 kids), I’m just so tired of been hurt, of been rejected for been strong, for been independent, for not having a super model body, I have no words, I don’t know where to begin. My son starting to be/act/talk like his father that I can’t take it, I left him because I didn’t’ want that life for my kids and now is repeating like it was yesterday, am just hurt, alone, lonely, sad, just too tired, etc,etc,etc... I am not suicidal, I still put my kids first than me, I just want to be loved...
robinb farhood08072
Posted
aaron69282 farhood08072
Posted
Most people don't understand depression. Im late on this pist, but I hope youre ok.