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I'm running out of faith

Posted , 13 users are following.

kelly71703
kelly71703

Just need to talk. I been on a week long binge and am so depressed. I started a new job last September and thought I could get my life back on track but I jacked it in last week after several sickness absences due to drink. I can't deal with my situation. I hate my life and myself. I have few friends and no family that will have anything to do with me due to my drinking. I've become a classic aloholic who sits at home alone drinking feeling sorry for myself. Just don't seem to be able to get out of this funk and get on with my life and at times i have considered ending it. I know I will die anyway if I continue as my health is really suffering. I feel alone and isolated and drink is the only company I have. It could have been so different, I have two sisters, a daughter and an ex partner who did care for me once but I messed it all up. Now drink feels like all I have left. I suppose I'm seeking some hope from people here that it is possible to be happy and healthy after I've caused so much damage. I can't bear the thought of a future like this constantly battling my feelings and alcohol. I'm 40 this year and have nothing to show for myself except destruction and disappointment.

0 likes, 19 replies

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  • roger15081
    roger15081 kelly71703

    Posted

    I've felt the same, well, nearly as I've never contemplated suicide.

    I love getting drunk, but can't monitor my own intake so gave it up.

    I actually have 3 bottles of miniature vodkas in my car ( hidden) at all times, with the receipt ( purchase date) .

    Haven't touched them & it's been 6 weeks.

    I have few accessible friends here in the UK too, it's hard, drinking is like a time machine, I can get lost for days, but I tell myself 'do I really need to do this'? It's so much easier to say no when you're clean, but if I'm hungover, I'm straight to the shop for more spirits.

    I know this probably hasn't helped, just sharing👍

    • kelly71703
      kelly71703 roger15081

      Posted

      Thanks Roger. Sharing does help. It distracts me from myself for five minutes. I almost laughed when you said drinking is like a time machine. That's exactly what it is! I couldn't even guess how much time I've "lost"

    • Robin2015
      Robin2015 roger15081

      Posted

      Hi Roger, I assume that you have lived in other countries or has property abroad by your commment "few accesible friends in the Uk..". Like you I could not wait to find the hidden bottles of strong cider or vodka or wine...Anything really!! Worse and worse and my health and work and family got affected very badly and had to stop...what is your goal this year?? Or is it too hard right now?? what is best for you??? Robin

    • roger15081
      roger15081 Robin2015

      Posted

      Hi, sorry for the delay, didn't realise.

      Yeah, I lived in the canaries for nearly a decade, still have a few mates over there. I do go over quite often.

      It was my health that was suffering, I'm sure alcohol poisons me, lol, I'm rough as a bears ass unless I drink more. That's the crux of my problem.

      If I do 72 hours clean, I'm in the clear, we'll almost 😃

      I'm ok, longest I stayed off was 2 years, nowadays it's random, I can't put a timescale on it.

      I'm not wanting a drink at all, but some days I get a fleeting message from my brain saying 'vodka'... lol.

      How are you?

    • Robin2015
      Robin2015 roger15081

      Posted

      hi Roger...4 years off booze since my twins were 2 years old and I was drinking too much due to unemployed, sick father and my wife also redundant.....long story short did stop and celebrated 4 yrs 31st Dec 2016...never felt better for certain..been on this forum for 2 years and like to hlep other ..keep well!! Robin
    • roger15081
      roger15081 Robin2015

      Posted

      Fair play to you!

      I thought I'd cracked it with 2 years, I'll never let my arrogance get the better of me again, lol.

      I must admit, I get up most mornings thinking ' thank god I didn't drink that vodka last night' 😃

  • vickylou
    vickylou kelly71703

    Posted

    You have a daughter Kelly, surely that is something to show for yourself. Yes I know you don't have contact, but maybe it's a goal to aim for. I know how it feels when people have lost faith in you and you've lost their trust. It is possible to get this back, although not easy.

    You can't do it straight away, perhaps try cutting down slowly and gradually. I won't go into help and counselling, but just wanted you to know that at only 40 you're still young!

    stay strong and good luck

     

    • kelly71703
      kelly71703 vickylou

      Posted

      Hi Vicky. I can't take any credit for my daughter. If it wasn't for her father she would have ended up in care. He took her from me at 5 due to involment of SS. I was drinking heavily pretty much as soon as she was born. Add to the fact that she was born with a heart defect most likely due to drinking heavily before I knew I was pregnant. I couldn't wait to give birth and get out of hospital so I could drink. I didnt even breast feed because of drinking.What kind of new mum thinks like that? She's has had to have open heart surgery at 9 months old and has witnessed me extremely drunk many times. I'm ashamed she has me as a mother and anticipate that when she grows up and realises what I am she will be ashamed too. She is 9 and still not old enough to appreciate exactly what a crap mum I've been. She also faces more surgery in the future. I don't deserve a child, I should have been sterilised when I started drinking.

  • mike96133
    mike96133 kelly71703

    Posted

    First, what you going through is a lot more common than you think!

    Have you taken it to an extreme? Yes, but there is still a lot of hope left! I personally don't know why you drink; dramatic life event, dull the emotional you feel, or it happened over the course of time. You need to identify the reason. I personally I took a simplistic approach. I started getting out of the house, volunteering, gym 2-3 hours a day and trying to stay busy. Do I still drink yes, but I watch my consumption very closely. I normally buy only small amounts. I'm lazy I won't drive to the store after I start drinking.

    You need to tell yourself your not going to drink for 30 days, and mean it! Evaluate yourself, if you need medical assistance go and get it! The decision to cut back or quit all together starts with you!

    Best of luck my friend! You have many people understand and have made the same mistakes as you.

  • pistal666
    pistal666 kelly71703

    Posted

    Hi Kelly, This rut your in may seem endless, but you are still Young and it's never to late to make things better. You need to draw a line under your past and live for Today. But you are going to need help. Are you in the UK or States? Getting hold of your areas Drug and Alcohol Clinic would be a great first step. You know that Drink is going to make you feel numb for a little while, and then destroy your Mental /Physical Health along with Financial problems growing for the worse. You can change this and be who ever you want to be. I'm 100% sure that if you want to, you could better yourself if you want to, and beat this addiction. It's not going to be an overnight thing, I'm sure you know that, but if we start making little changes Today, then surely each Day from now is going to be a little better than the last. Only once your Drinking is under control will Health officials be able to determin your mental health. I have been in your situation and have total empathy for you, but please help yourself by allowing others to Help you. If you are in the UK, what County do you live in? 

    • kelly71703
      kelly71703 pistal666

      Posted

      I'm in the UK, South East london. I have been to several alcohol/ substance use organisations (CRI, ARP, TTP), CBT, hypnotherapy, counsellors., intervention workers, psychiatrists, peer support meetings. Nothing has really ever put a dent in my desire for alcohol in fact I've even left a meeting or a counsellor and gone straight to the nearest shop to buy alcohol.

      Not sure if alcohol is the chicken or the egg in terms of mental health but symptoms are worsening, paranoia, anxiety, vertigo literally going down a normal flight of stairs, fear of even leaving my flat or going busy places with lots of noise or people.

  • deirdre._03652
    deirdre._03652 kelly71703

    Posted

    Hi Kelly, bless you lovey..xxx

    We have all been been there, I know how dreadful it is....

    I went to all the same organisations for many years...I was sectioned four times, which actually saved my life...I had a wonderful, amazing alcohol CPN....she took me out, and became a good friend, she never got annoyed when I drank, she totally understood me..( she is now the coordinator for LIVER TRANSPLANTS FOR ALCOHOLICS )

    I had every kind of medication, going...after my fourth section, I felt amazing, healthy, and I liked myself again...

    I went for 10 mnths without alcohol, I do drink twice a week, but as I have lost all of my tolerance after 3 pints I am sozzled..I am out with my family so I am safe. Or I drink at home....

    I was always scared of the horrible effects of withdrawal. But I was medicated every time...

    You must get your self esteem back,..you are NOT A BAD OR WEAK PERSON...NEVER, EVER THINK THAT... ask for more help you are in titled to and and you deserve it also...get in touch with your GP on Monday, do not attempt to stop on your own..you can also go to RECOVERY PARTNERSHIP...it is an NHS clinic for alcohol and substance abuse..layout do not need an appointment, they will be very, caring and encouraging, I had the same nurse for many years....they will help you in every way they can...

    You can turn your life around, when you are sober, I mean certain that you will get your beloved daughter, and your family back in your life..

    I never,never ever thought that I could do it...I drank 24 hrs a day, I could barely Wark, and spent every day in absolute terror...

    You can be healthy again, you are a good person who cares deeply, and you are filled with guilt, you have to let that go,..you got addicted, none of plan it, or enjoy it...

    Next week a new healthy, happy life, full of self respect...I wish you so much happiness and peace of mind, lovely lady..take care, and never lose hope..lbig warm hugs to you. MDee xxx

    • kelly71703
      kelly71703 deirdre._03652

      Posted

      Thankyou for your support. I am going to my Gp tomorrow. I'm determined to get some medical assistance as talking therapies haven't cut it. I manage stop Ok but it's maintaining sobriety. In the end I just say sod it and end up boozing worse than before.

  • amanda1827h
    amanda1827h kelly71703

    Posted

    Hello Kelly, First of all please get help.! Your dead forever.My late mother passed away at 47 & she had all her life in front of her.Even now I am 60,when I am unwell I miss her.If you've got family or children they need you.!, please get Help,before its too late.You can message me again or ignore me,but don't leave it too long.Each day set your self a target of chores to do around your home.Regards Amanda

    • kelly71703
      kelly71703 amanda1827h

      Posted

      I've asked my daughters father for his help and he has surprised me. I laid it all bare and explained myself to him and he is willing to lend me emotional support. I've also been in contact with an aunt who is taking me to the Dr tomorrow. Not a cure but steps in the right direction.

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