I'm so depressed, I want my old self back

Posted , 12 users are following.

I am a 29 year old Mother to one 17 month old Daughter. My partner has had a tough life and drinks on average 148 standard drinks of spirits a week! At the very start I never knew for a long time as he got so good at hiding his drinking from his last wife. When I did find out (after finding the stash) he opened up and told me he had heavy drink for years (now about 12 years) we worked at it for a long time but he kept slipping up! He keeps telling me he will cut down and it will change but they are empty words, I know this now from the last year at least. He won't go to the doctors, he won't go to a counsellor, he won't talk to his family, I'm not allowed to talk to mine (even though I secretly talk to my Dad he is my support person) but I am so stressed!! I can't leave but I don't feel like I have the strength to stay! So stuck! And advice? I use to just want help for him, now I need help for myself!!!

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  • Posted

    Ok we all know you can't help someone who is not ready to help themselves....."you can take a horse to water but you can't make them drink it".

    Firstly I would talk to a professional....alcholol addiction counsellor and ask them for all of the various possible ways that a person can be helped.

    Firstly do your own research.....Find out about detoxing too as this sounds as if it will be a necessary step. Make succinct notes, have all of this information to hand and in a format that is easily understood. 

    Then when you can confidentially explain the options to him....find a 'good moment'.....tell him you love him but you can't go on like this, for your sake and for your daughters sake. Tell him you know how hard it is for him to stop as it is an illness....and that you do understand that no matter how hard he tries to give up on his own he can't because he needs professional help. He will be feeling a failure himself for not changing through his own will power etc so if he realises himself that it is actually an illness and that you too understand this he may feel some hope for the future.

    In the meantime could you go and stay with your Dad or some other family member for a while. You may have to give a bit of 'tough love'.....insist that he goes with you to the alcohol addition centre to get this medical help he needs. Tell him it can't go on and if he refuses you will have to leave for a while in order for him to reassess his life and take control by accepting help. Medication is available to help. Contact Joanna on C3Europe website. She is an expert on, not only the correct form of medication, but also depending on where you live in Britain what help and where/how to get this help.

    Keep posting Cat....this is only the first step in the journey and everyone on this site is very supportative a d helpful....there is no judgment.

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    • Posted

      Thank you! I have been to Al-anon and they have helped me all they can. I have had Counselling and also spoken to the drug and alcohol helpline. I have tried everything! He says if I leave he will kill him self and all my family and friends live over an hour away. We are self employed and work together and my child is settled (recently) in preschool and all money goes into his account which I don't have accesss to so that makes it all harder

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    • Posted

      Ok....first.y you need to establish an account of your own...a household account or something. Tell him you think this an unfair arrangement as he drinks a lot of YOUR money and you both need to think of your daughter's future. 

      He obviously needs an independent person to talk to him....bluntly kind. Could you arrange for your Dad to do this? Or someone from the Alcohol Addiction Center. I am afraid I am not being very helpful...maybe someone else on here will reply soon with more experience of your type of situation. Xx

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    • Posted

      I have been in a similar situation to you and your husband. The only difference is that it was me who drank when they lived with me. Cut a long story short, they did leave and that was two months ago. We are getting back together and i am getting help. 

      The difference is that i knew i had a problem when they were here and did many things in order to make myself stop but in the end couldnt, hiding drink etc. I am not sure if your husband really does see himself as having a problem or if he just doesnt want to do anything about it. I see things differently now ...and now know that it was almost impossible to do it on my own. As much as i did try.

      Yes we were self emplyed together as well  by the way etc

      Anyway, your husand either accepts he has a problem and tries to seek help or doesnt. He will not be able to do it on his own, its went too far. If there is anyway at all that you can leave for a while, i would say that this is the only way that he will know that unless he gets help he will lose everything for good. I know when my partner left with my daughter i could never have felt any worse. I love them so much... I am sure he loves you too but he needs to see that you will not stand for this anymore. Threatening to kill himself is emotional blackmail. I know when my partner left, he told me that he just couldnt do it anymore and to be fair i know why. Drink poisons a whole family. You do not want your child to grow up around this either, i know this due to the guilt i feel over mistakes i made.  However, we both knew that he was leaving because of the drink and still loved eachother...Tell your husband that after you leave (if you can) that as long as you see signs that he is getting/trying to get better and believe it, that maybe sometime you will have a future again. He will know that he has something to aim for and in the end for himself. (i basing it on the fact that you also still love him, its the drinking that you hate). I have been working hard over the last few months to prove i can get better, i have had some ever so low points and some blips but i am trying, i would hope he would try for you too . If he wants you back he will know that he has lost everything and work his butt off to get it back ...make you see he can change and be a better partner and father. It will be hard for him and you but to be fair your life is not where you want it to be now is it? You have to think of yourself in the end and your daughter.

      If you do go and feel that you will never go back then thats different. But there is no point in shouting, fighting about it. Really you have to honest with him and yourself. If its as bad as it sounds you can get emergency accomodation if you cant stay at your fathers... Money, i am bit confused as to why you have no access to this? I have to be honest and say that this sounds very controlling. If you stay this has to change alone. If you dont, there are ways to claim benefits given the situation you will be in for while. Im sorry for being so brutally honest but he has to want to get better for himself and in the end for his family. I strongly believe if you stay that things will stay the same or get worse. He will make promises to cut down/ stop etc but i doubt like me he will be able to see it through without some kind of help. Also there nothing quite like tough love, trust me.

      Like i say i am not even sure what point he is at in himself but it has to change for you and for him. In the end for your daughter who does not need to see this kind of life. Feel free to PM if you want anytime and keep posting. It does help to have the support on here. Good luck hun xxx

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    • Posted

      Thank you so much for your honesty and advice. I truly hope things continue to go well for you! I have no idea what point he is at, sometimes he says he knows he has a problem (usually once drinking) otherwise just gets defensive. The bank account thing just hasn't happened yet, after I left my last job and started working with him and as we only got married in March we were just waiting till all that happened which has now so I would be able to gain access before I left

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    • Posted

      Ive said a lot to you in other posts Cat... try to get the bank acc thing sorted out so you have some control for yourself. I messaged you not too long ago so keep in touch. I assume as you now work together that you are now down as something like a partner in the business officailly? Open another if you have to and arrange for the money to be divided to a point at the very least if your staying, this is no way for you to live. What do you do if you dont mind me asking?
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    • Posted

      Yes we work together as electricians, I am his apprentice and we both have interest in the company. I am working on the bank account thing, I really don't know why this hasn't been sorted yet... I guess it's because we always shop together so it hasn't been a problem. I have no clue.

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  • Posted

    Hi Cat, the first thing that worries me is when you say that you are not allowed to speak to your Family. Can I ask why? Before I jump to conclusions, does your partner live with you? How did he cover up so well in the past, and what caused people to notice? You can't let your Life be ruled by the Addictions of anyone, let alone your Partner. Maybe if you standback and rationally looked at his drinking any your relationship, it will be clearer for you to see your options. How do you think things would be in 5years and still this is going?   

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    • Posted

      Because he doesn't want anyone to know about the problem as he thinks everyone will judge him. I mean he use to hide the bottles, he is high functioning, even when he has in excess of a bottle of vodka a day he still funcrions normally (no one would suspect anything except the smell) it's in the evening and overnight he gets bad but then he never remembers. He gets the shakes and bad bowel and his memory is getting worse, he has a really short fuse and is getting worse

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  • Posted

    It's a difficult one, made even more difficult by having a child and your employment situation.

    The selh harm/kill himself is a rather nasty form of emotional blackmail. But desparate people stoop to desparate measures. Not wanting to see a GP or a counsellor, is a case of not wanting to face up to the realities and actually being scared to be confronted with a situation that he is embarrassed about the situation.

    When he tells you that he is going to get on top off it, he probably genuinely means it. Unfortunately seriously heavy drinking hooks people and they cannot give up just like that or at least only a tiny minority can.

    GPs and counsellors don't generally understand alcohol addiction/misuse. In most cases, a GP will wash his/her hands of it and refer the patient to an ARC (alcohol recovery centre), a drink and drugs charity. These are generally staffed by people bordering on incompetent and disinterested.

    In case you think I am being a bit harsh, I ended up in hospital (a long time, not a Friday night A&E) and I've been through my GP, he knew all about me, because it was him that got me booked into the hospital immediately as an emmergency patient. And I went through two ARCs.

    That said, the only way for him to get off the alcohol is medication. It has to reverse the changes that alcohol has made to his body and brain. But he is going to have to want to make the journey. And right now, from what you say, he isn't ready for that.

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    • Posted

      I would agree with everything you said. With his last wife he did go to the doctors (else she would leave) but the gp asked him a couple of questions and basically told him he didn't need to go to AA, now he won't go back..so mad! I do know it's emotional blackmail, but he gets so depressed when he is drinking and whenever I am not home he just drinks himself silly. But now it's all me becoming unhappy to the point where it's going to start affecting our Daughter as I don't feel strong anymore

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    • Posted

      There is hope, i do feel for your situation. Would he not even make a start and come on to the forum? AA is not for everybody at the end of the day anyway. However bit surprised at the doctor in the past, you have to ask yourself was he totally honest with the doctor about the extent of the drinking at the time? Your daughter is very young so at least she wont remember any of this. Right now if he chose to get some kind of help whether you stay or dont, he maybe has a chance of getting himself back and having the famly life you all would want at the end of the day. I would honestly ask him to come on to the forum and get him to either post a new discussion or at least read other peoples stories...at least it would be a start x Take care
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    • Posted

      Hi Cat - I agree with Sharon - if you can get him, say when he is not strung out about anything, to see your concerns and the fact that you love him and don't want to walk away without a fight.  It does sound like he is not ready yet and you can't help there.  You are trying your hardest,  he is probably, in lucid moments, hating what he is doing to himself and his family.  It is a nightmare to deal with alcohol once it has its ugly finger constantly prodding you in your back saying - just one!!!!

      So sorry this is like it is - it is not life and you are young and need a life for you and little un.

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    • Posted

      My experience of group therapy and what others have said is, that the AA works for a small minority and many people don't want to discuss their problems with a load of strangers in a group environment.

      As I said, GPs usually don't want to get involved, they do not see it as part of their remit. They see it as a drug/alcohol problem not an illness and they immediately refer you to an ARC.

      As has been said, you should open your own bank account. Please don't feel imprisoned or that there is no way out. Once you do that, you are building your own walls and trapping yourself. There is always a solution, even if it is not staring you in the face. You have to feel strong or you will let yourself get dragged under and a feeling of hopelessness.

      It may come to a point, where you have to sit him down and tell him that you will leave if he doesn't get help. And you will have to have in place a plan to do that, if he pushes it to that outcome. He will try emotional blackmail, but if he sees that is not working, he will switch to another tack, and that is where you tell him he needs to get help or you are moving out.

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    • Posted

      I have already spoken to him about this site and others because he doesn't want to hear anyone's judgement and he said he doesn't want people trying to fill his head with rubbish

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    • Posted

      Thank you gwen45436, it is hard, i am just really scared of loosing myself, i have always been a happy and confident person and i just feel like i am putting myself into isolation without actualy meaning to .
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    • Posted

      Cat, you might want to point him to the Options Save Lives forum. Pretty much everybody there is using TSM and there's no AA/abstinence rhetoric. 

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    • Posted

      To be honest the hard truth is that if he really is not at a point to start making any changes then its down to you to decide where you go from here. At the end of the day he wont even come on to this forum for an hour and at least make a little effort.

      If you stay with him maybe there will be a time when he suddenly decides that he wants to get better with some help. On the other hand it may be sometime before this happens and from what you say i dont think he is close to that point. If you choose to leave as hard as it will be for both of you at least you can start focusing on yourself and daughter. Sorry for being so blunt it just really sounds as though its down to you right now to make changes as he obvisouly isnt. I hope you dont think i have been too forward, just trying to be honest. Take care for now and keep in touch x

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