I'm so tired of life.

Posted , 8 users are following.

I'm a 24, soon to be 25 year old. I know I'm really young, and that's the biggest ''encouragement'' people give me generally. You haven't lived much, there's still so much ahead, etc. But the thing is, I've been depressed for almost 10 years now. I've been on and off with meds, had some ''brighter'' episodes in bethween the years, but basically I've accomplished nothing. I have no education degrees, no work experience. I can barely function on my own. My family lives far away, and doesn't understand my depression at all. In fact, my sister tells me I'm depressed simply because I'm just that lazy. Maybe that's true? I don't know. I live alone, and have no friends. I have just recently cut off my last tie to a person by managing to tick off my ex so badly he almost suffocated me by strangling to get his point of wanting me out of his life through. He's the father of my son, who's another point of depression. Just can't seem to be able to love the kid like I should. What good is someone like me anyway? I have no right to call myself a mother.

I've gone through abortion, abusive boyfriend, neglect and abuse from my dad, losing all my friends, being homeless, attempting a suicide through slicing my wrists open... Something bad, you name it and it's probably happened. So far, anything I've tried turns to ash soon. Relationships, jobs, even normal day to day life... I can't get a grip of any of it and I just end up failing.

I'm honestly hanging on to life by the tiniest possible thread simply for the sake of being so stubborn I can't give up. But every day is torture, and I just keep waiting on something to change, yet it doesn't. I can't find the will to live but I'm too stubborn and too much of a coward to go through with ending it. Also don't want to go through the experience of laying in a hospital bed listening to the nurses go on how ''it's another of those attention seekers''. That was devastating for me. But I'm at my wits end. How long will it go on? When does one get a happy end? How do you find a will to live through all the sh*t?

I want to die, but I can't. I want to live, but I don't know how or why. I want to move on, do something, but I don't have the strenght. What should I do, really?

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  • Posted

    When all is hopeless and you're all used up, suicide seems the next natural option. There is another way - faith. Look at it this way; what do you have to lose?

    If it helps at all, I remember being just exhausted by life/depression/uncertainty etc. by the age of 17. I'm still a depressive - a malcontent, as I call it, at the age of 57. I have a lot to be thankful for, and it sure as all hell ain't easy; but only you can decide if it's worth living or not; clearly, I think it is.

    How do you do it? There's the cruncher - you have to get away from YOU. You have to break the cycle of ever-occurring negative thoughts compounding and affirming your sense of worthlessness. Sometimes, you have to just stop - be still and listen.

    I truly hope this helps. I got through, so I guess theoretically you can too. The choice is yours, so I pray for strength for you.

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    • Posted

      Thank you for replying. If by faith you mean believing in myself or in others, then yes, that's what I'm trying to do. One day I might actually bang it in my head that there's something out there worth living. I'm sure there is. It's just really, really hard to see alone. I'm happy to hear you've clearly found something. 

      That's pretty good advice actually, but running away from oneself or closing my ears to the negativity is probably the hardest part. I've always been self critising so, well... You can imagine how it's now. 

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    • Posted

      It is...you're absolutely right! BUT...it can be done.

      Think of your thoughs as a hampster in a wheel, going 'round and 'round, but not getting anywhere. It's just a unbroken loop. You have to break that loop, but how?

      What makes it so difficult is that you're in this state for very good reasons, so it seems almost disloyal to push those thoughts away. But ultimately, they don't serve you - they're doing you no favours whatsoever; they are actually entrapping you and you have become their captive - whether you like it or not.

      To break this requires practice: every time some thought that is negative (I know - at first it's 'always'!), you can basically decide to listen to it or toss it out. Sounds awfully simple and that's why it seems unimaginably hard - because it's simple.

      Doesn't mean it's easy! Lemme know how you get on - it's a minute-by-minute thing, but given time, you'll be amazed!

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    • Posted

      I actually talked about this same thing with a counsellor once. I visualized it as two people on my shoulders, the old and the new me. The small, happy go lucky and naive kid that's positive and can't see bad in people. And then there's the more mature, but hopeless individual who whereas has attained strenght, see's the world through sunglasses. (a play on the 'rose tinted glasses', hah) They're constantly at odds with each other, and I'm trying to mediate bethween them but it's impossible. These two just can't match or come to an agreement. I'm tired and exhausted trying to get them to agree, but the only way would be for all of us to meld together. Probably sounds like I'm delusional with multiple personalities, haha.

      It's not easy, but it is encouraging to hear. So once again, thank you. Today I think I made a little crack to my wheel by calling mom. Tons of crying and mom being awkward later, I can't say I feel better, but I didn't feel as utterly hopeless as usual, so it's something, right?

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    • Posted

      Way to go, girl!! Baby-steps is the key, and even one tiny victory is something you should be proud of - I am..of you!

      Interesting how your councellor describes it; I think it was just easier (for me) to take the 'me' out of the equation. I know just how tiring it is to have to listen to oneself all damn day......

      Proud of you!

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    • Posted

      Heh, that was actually my own visualization, not my councellor's. She thought it kinda weird, but couldn't help but feel intrigued. Especially after I drew the characters out for her. I'm the happiest when I let my imagination run wild.

      Well, they were me, but weren't. They were more like different people with traits and characterizations I know I have now and used to have in the past. And some that I wished I would have. Neither is evil, or good. Just different. It's why I visualized the more mature one as a grown man and the other as a little girl. But I shouldn't talk about that much more or it'll turn into a novel soon! I could go on for ages when it's things like this.

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  • Posted

    Hi I was really upset reading your post.  You have gone through so muchin life that no wonder you are feeling so bad.  The good news is you have survived them and are still here so you must be strong.   You are a mother,  something I have never achieved so you must be doing something right.

    You don't say whether you have been to the doctors yet?   Have you tried meds and/or counselling?   it might help.   

    Unfortunately waiting for things to change doesn't work - you have to make them change which I know is very very difficult.  But the good news is you want to live and be happy so you have a good starting point. 

    I think you have so much from your past that you can't move on until these are dealt with,  so the first step is in asking for help.   Counselling (with the right counsellor) can help you learn to live with these life events and help you move on to build a better life for you and your son.

    Depression is a strange illness in that there is no motivation to change things,  you have to do things to change them and the motivation comes.  Change things very slowly in little baby steps ie go for a walk and then one day smile and say good morning to the first nice person you meet.  That's all.   The more you start doing the more you will be able to do. 

    Your son is obviously young still  so take him to the park.  You haven't got to talk to anyone if you don't want to.   Just do very small things to start with and these will gain momemtum and before you know it you will be ready to tackle the bigger issues.   Bev xx

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    • Posted

      I'm very sorry to have upset you. I simply needed to get this off my chest and found the forum by chance. Feels good to just let it all out. 

      I have a doctor that does house visits every couple months. She's very adamant I should use meds, but I can't seem to get myself to eat them. Read so much about getting hooked to them for life, how bad an accidental overdose could be, and honestly I'm just scared of that change, too. I feel like a totally different person, an impostor when I'm on meds. Taking them constantly is difficult for me, aswell - I always seem to forget.

      There's been talk of therapy, but my doctor doesn't see it as the best option for the moment, I'm still too unstable. She believes my mental state could detoriate if I attempted therapy right now. I have some house help, aswell as some nurses coming weekly to my house. It's the small human interaction of those moments that keeps me sane. 

      Actually, my son was an accident pregnancy. I suffered from heavy postpartum depression right after he was born and possibly still do and at the time, had just lost my house so I was placed in a shelter home. There I watched one of my good friends get her child taken over to custody due to her drug use. It's probably a new trauma for me there, too. I'm scared of not being perfect, I'm scared of losing him. My child lives with his dad, which I suppose is good as I'd probably be in no shape to take care of him. So I dunno if that was right. I dunno if I should have brought him to this world at all when his mom is such a sorry husk of a human. Sorry, this is a sensitive subject. Might've overshared, haha. (btw, he's 5 now)

      It's the smallest things that are difficult. Instead of the usual losing weight, I've started overeating to relieve my stress and now hate my body with such a passion I honestly don't want to go outside. I'm so ashamed of it. Due to being alone so long I've probably created even more problems for myself than I started with, anxiety in social relations, unwillingness to go outside at all. The walls of my home are both a prison and a sanctuary. 

      Thank you for your kind words and advice though. I'll try my best to smile starting tomorrow. Maybe that'll help. Could start with the mirror.

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    • Posted

      Hi I was only upset thinking about the awful things which have happened to you.  Please don't apologise love as I am so glad you found the courage to post on here.  You have taken the first step haven't you?  

      It sounds like your doctor is not willing to refer you for counselling until you become more stable.  I think the only way you can do this is to take the meds.   They should stabilise your mood and make you feel less depressed.   It is very difficult to overdose on the newer ad's they use today which is exactly why they are used.   If you stop them suddenly then you might well get withdrawal symptoms but there are ways round that. 

      Surely taking meds is much better than feeling like this?  So bite the bullet and give them a try please.   Some people recover from depression without them but others like you don't so you need help.  Take it.   

      Or would you rather carry on like this?   Bev x

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    • Posted

      You're probably right. I am stalling my own recovery, aren't I. I'm just so used to taking sanctuary inside the walls of my home I've become scared of what's outside of them. I guess it's silly, but I'm also scared of being pushed too much the moment I start feeling a bit better. It happened before. I was taking meds, and all of a sudden my whole family treated me like I was normal and fine again. I guess I feel that in order to get help I need to be like this. I know it's not really true, the doctors and shrinks and professionals will still see everything's not fine. I guess it's the pressure from the normal people that stops me the most.

      I mean ofc I understand it - they're happy I'm feeling better, they want it to continue. But they disrecard the fact that if I'm able to smile for a day or a week it doesn't make me okay. It doesn't mean my illness is gone. 

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    • Posted

      Hiya Melancholy family are notorious for not understanding or being able to help with mental health problems.  Maybe they are too close?  Who knows?  I know it is easier to talk to a stranger coz it doesn't matter what they think of you. 

      I tried to talk about my depression with my sisters just once (my parents are gone).  My youngest sister said 'What you got to be depressed about'?,  my middle sister just looked embarrassed and didn't say anything,  and my eldest just rattled on about her own problems.  Doh.  

      I do have a couple of understanding friends I can chat to a bit and with my good friends I can say I am feeling very low if I am finding it difficult to be myself and that's fine.

      One of the problems with you is being alone so much and having nothing to take your mind off yourself and your thoughts go round and round and you see them as a huge insolvable problem.   With help you can start seeing them in smaller  chunks which makes them  easier to deal with. 

      I agree that you need to try and control the obsessive thoughts and I have found the way to do this is to keep interrupting them by doing something or deliberately turning your mind to something else like what's on the telly etc.  It is very hard to do (believe me I know) but you have to keep doing this and eventually it becomes easier and it happens for longer. 

      It's the same as the principle of training a dog not to bark (not that you are a dog of course).  Keep interrupting the dog barking with a chew or some other distraction and it will get out of the habit.  

      Being alone too much makes anyone neurotic and self obsessed which is why doing little things will help.   You have us to talk to now and we certainly understand depression.   Bev xx

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    • Posted

      Yes, family's the worst isn't it? At least though, my mom tries. She's just so optimistic and has always been she can't relate at all to the hopelessness and despair. And it kills me to see her cry because of me, to see her trying to work so hard to understand and feeling bad because she knows there's nothing she can do.

      I'm  so sorry your sisters didn't understand. All it really takes is that one person you can talk to. Just one. But I'm happy you have people you can talk about it with! 

      I only way I know how to control the thoughts is to push them away completely. I can do that. I can focus on a game or a tv show for hours. But that's only excisting, not living plus it doesn't deal with anything. I've lived in a limbo of just trying to ignore how sad I am by focusing on other things. It doesn't work to better anything, and only prolongs the time. It's something though. It helps me get through the day. But having a way to escape reality isn't always a good thing. I've gotten so good at escaping it I can pretend to be completely fine for long periods. (months) It's a tactic I sometimes take with doctors when they're being especially difficult. I know I shouldn't as it serves me no good, but I sometimes just can't help myself.

      Yes, being alone is not good for me. But I don't really know how to fix that. When talking to someone I'll immediately think they find me dull, and as I have nothing to talk about since I really do nothing, I feel I have nothing to give to anyone. What kind of a stranger would take a sudden liking to someone so broken? They'd have to be really weird! 

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    • Posted

      See? The chatting between you and Hypercat, David, everybody here - that's family! We may now have the physical proximity you need right now, but it's a start?

      We're all here because we're broken to some extent or another. Some of us have found a way to live with it; others are still on theat journey. You know where you'll find gimps like us? Church. In those who have put their faith and trust in the Lord. Sounds trite, tired and preachy, no? If you want to know more, just ask or privately mesage, but I'm not gonna harp on about that uninvited!!

      Keep it up, girl!!

       

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    • Posted

      Religion, huh. I wish I could take that path, I do. It would be very comforting, but I'm afraid my beliefs and theories of life simply don't follow the same line of thought. And well, maybe it's preachy, but surely something I can understand. I do love to talk about religion, but I'm an atheist by heart and that won't change. But religion is a sensitive subject to most and the least I want to do is belittle anyone's beliefs. So it's rare to get to have a serious conversation about one's beliefs and the reasons behind them. It's easy to offend someone and religion is also very personal. The closest I ever came to submitting to a religion was when I read about Buddhism. I'm especially interested in mythology - it's fascinating. 

      And yes, I'm extremely grateful to all of you for replying and talking with me. It's definitely a start, and has even helped me open up a bit more to my mom. 

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    • Posted

      That's fine, Melancholy - I respect that. I don't see faith as religion (which is why atheists can discuss it!), and I don't find it in any way easy to attain comfort from it, but it works for me.

      Every one has to find a way through life's pain and I applaud your efforts - that's the most important thing right now!

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    • Posted

      I don't think it's a matter so much of only atheists discussing it, just a matter of how much of your beliefs a person is willing to share. I don't mean discussing about it in a way to prove what you believe in, but more simply for the sake of discussion and genuine interest. But that, too, is a matter of opinion. And I'm terribly sorry, I in no way meant to say it's easy to attain comfort from faith - I meant that for me, it would be. Now I feel like I've offended you in some terrible way and I'm at a loss of words. 

      I've noticed that atheists in general have created a very bad image of themselves - but some of us can and do respect the faith of others. I'm terribly sorry, I should never have brought this up at all. 

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    • Posted

      Aw....no no no - you have not offended me in ANY WAY - one thing I have learned is respect for other's views; you've respected mine perfectly! 

      Let's drop faith and atheism. What you don't need is another reason to beat yourself over the head, so don't. Instead, pick your fight (or your hurt, if you will). You've plenty to be hurtin' about; it's a matter of (sort of) lining up your hurts and hang-ups and...here's the hard bit; culling the ones you can't do a thing about. Get rid of them, seeing as they can't be helped right now. Concentrate on the tiny steps you can do right now that'll help. And if you can't do anything about them right now, don't worry!

      What you don't do is ADD!!! x

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    • Posted

      Indeed, lets drop. Not the right place to discuss such things. I guess I got carried away, just happy to discuss something besides the depression. Maybe I should consider a forum of something I enjoy. Haven't been actively talking on the internet either. Basically just almost catatonically watching series or playing a game alone. I'm such a healthy person, haha.

      I'm feeling a tad weird today. Like I actually want to do something. But I have no idea what. I still feel like I can't do anything, but the desire's there. Maybe I should follow your advice and write a list. I'm sure my doctor would appreciate it, too.

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    • Posted

      Got any paints or crayons? Make a poster; words like...melancholia (great word, BTW!), grief, sadness, anger, withdrawn etc. Interrupt them with words like funny, LMAO, silly, cute, lovely etc.

      Make you letters big, but with enough room around them to doodle. Over the next few days, when you feel like it (if it becomes a 'task', then it's no fun), doodle 'round them using different colors.

      If you have a cell-phone, take pics as you go. It's actually a fun exploration of how you're doing - best of all, it's rather enjoyable lol

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    • Posted

      I have a 5 year old son, need you ask? Heh! But the only paper I have is A4 size. Not sure if that's universal, but basically your normal printing paper size. I'm afraid I'd need a lot more space for such an artwork! Not to mention, it'd make a great painting on my wall when finished! But I suppose I can use many papers, and instead make it full of words and feelings of the core feeling - like anger. I'm more into words than paintings, but thanks for the idea! It does sound fun.
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    • Posted

      Yay....just have some FUN; your wee son can do doodles! Always liked the idea of ANGER in sharp, heavy, dark strokes. Words like SADNESS can be softer, multi-colored. whatever takes your fancy......
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