I'm so tired of life.
Posted , 8 users are following.
I'm a 24, soon to be 25 year old. I know I'm really young, and that's the biggest ''encouragement'' people give me generally. You haven't lived much, there's still so much ahead, etc. But the thing is, I've been depressed for almost 10 years now. I've been on and off with meds, had some ''brighter'' episodes in bethween the years, but basically I've accomplished nothing. I have no education degrees, no work experience. I can barely function on my own. My family lives far away, and doesn't understand my depression at all. In fact, my sister tells me I'm depressed simply because I'm just that lazy. Maybe that's true? I don't know. I live alone, and have no friends. I have just recently cut off my last tie to a person by managing to tick off my ex so badly he almost suffocated me by strangling to get his point of wanting me out of his life through. He's the father of my son, who's another point of depression. Just can't seem to be able to love the kid like I should. What good is someone like me anyway? I have no right to call myself a mother.
I've gone through abortion, abusive boyfriend, neglect and abuse from my dad, losing all my friends, being homeless, attempting a suicide through slicing my wrists open... Something bad, you name it and it's probably happened. So far, anything I've tried turns to ash soon. Relationships, jobs, even normal day to day life... I can't get a grip of any of it and I just end up failing.
I'm honestly hanging on to life by the tiniest possible thread simply for the sake of being so stubborn I can't give up. But every day is torture, and I just keep waiting on something to change, yet it doesn't. I can't find the will to live but I'm too stubborn and too much of a coward to go through with ending it. Also don't want to go through the experience of laying in a hospital bed listening to the nurses go on how ''it's another of those attention seekers''. That was devastating for me. But I'm at my wits end. How long will it go on? When does one get a happy end? How do you find a will to live through all the sh*t?
I want to die, but I can't. I want to live, but I don't know how or why. I want to move on, do something, but I don't have the strenght. What should I do, really?
1 like, 39 replies
Parkinsonswife Melancholy
Posted
If it helps at all, I remember being just exhausted by life/depression/uncertainty etc. by the age of 17. I'm still a depressive - a malcontent, as I call it, at the age of 57. I have a lot to be thankful for, and it sure as all hell ain't easy; but only you can decide if it's worth living or not; clearly, I think it is.
How do you do it? There's the cruncher - you have to get away from YOU. You have to break the cycle of ever-occurring negative thoughts compounding and affirming your sense of worthlessness. Sometimes, you have to just stop - be still and listen.
I truly hope this helps. I got through, so I guess theoretically you can too. The choice is yours, so I pray for strength for you.
Melancholy Parkinsonswife
Posted
That's pretty good advice actually, but running away from oneself or closing my ears to the negativity is probably the hardest part. I've always been self critising so, well... You can imagine how it's now.
Parkinsonswife Melancholy
Posted
Think of your thoughs as a hampster in a wheel, going 'round and 'round, but not getting anywhere. It's just a unbroken loop. You have to break that loop, but how?
What makes it so difficult is that you're in this state for very good reasons, so it seems almost disloyal to push those thoughts away. But ultimately, they don't serve you - they're doing you no favours whatsoever; they are actually entrapping you and you have become their captive - whether you like it or not.
To break this requires practice: every time some thought that is negative (I know - at first it's 'always'!), you can basically decide to listen to it or toss it out. Sounds awfully simple and that's why it seems unimaginably hard - because it's simple.
Doesn't mean it's easy! Lemme know how you get on - it's a minute-by-minute thing, but given time, you'll be amazed!
Melancholy Parkinsonswife
Posted
It's not easy, but it is encouraging to hear. So once again, thank you. Today I think I made a little crack to my wheel by calling mom. Tons of crying and mom being awkward later, I can't say I feel better, but I didn't feel as utterly hopeless as usual, so it's something, right?
Parkinsonswife Melancholy
Posted
Interesting how your councellor describes it; I think it was just easier (for me) to take the 'me' out of the equation. I know just how tiring it is to have to listen to oneself all damn day......
Proud of you!
Melancholy Parkinsonswife
Posted
Well, they were me, but weren't. They were more like different people with traits and characterizations I know I have now and used to have in the past. And some that I wished I would have. Neither is evil, or good. Just different. It's why I visualized the more mature one as a grown man and the other as a little girl. But I shouldn't talk about that much more or it'll turn into a novel soon! I could go on for ages when it's things like this.
hypercat Melancholy
Posted
You don't say whether you have been to the doctors yet? Have you tried meds and/or counselling? it might help.
Unfortunately waiting for things to change doesn't work - you have to make them change which I know is very very difficult. But the good news is you want to live and be happy so you have a good starting point.
I think you have so much from your past that you can't move on until these are dealt with, so the first step is in asking for help. Counselling (with the right counsellor) can help you learn to live with these life events and help you move on to build a better life for you and your son.
Depression is a strange illness in that there is no motivation to change things, you have to do things to change them and the motivation comes. Change things very slowly in little baby steps ie go for a walk and then one day smile and say good morning to the first nice person you meet. That's all. The more you start doing the more you will be able to do.
Your son is obviously young still so take him to the park. You haven't got to talk to anyone if you don't want to. Just do very small things to start with and these will gain momemtum and before you know it you will be ready to tackle the bigger issues. Bev xx
Melancholy hypercat
Posted
I have a doctor that does house visits every couple months. She's very adamant I should use meds, but I can't seem to get myself to eat them. Read so much about getting hooked to them for life, how bad an accidental overdose could be, and honestly I'm just scared of that change, too. I feel like a totally different person, an impostor when I'm on meds. Taking them constantly is difficult for me, aswell - I always seem to forget.
There's been talk of therapy, but my doctor doesn't see it as the best option for the moment, I'm still too unstable. She believes my mental state could detoriate if I attempted therapy right now. I have some house help, aswell as some nurses coming weekly to my house. It's the small human interaction of those moments that keeps me sane.
Actually, my son was an accident pregnancy. I suffered from heavy postpartum depression right after he was born and possibly still do and at the time, had just lost my house so I was placed in a shelter home. There I watched one of my good friends get her child taken over to custody due to her drug use. It's probably a new trauma for me there, too. I'm scared of not being perfect, I'm scared of losing him. My child lives with his dad, which I suppose is good as I'd probably be in no shape to take care of him. So I dunno if that was right. I dunno if I should have brought him to this world at all when his mom is such a sorry husk of a human. Sorry, this is a sensitive subject. Might've overshared, haha. (btw, he's 5 now)
It's the smallest things that are difficult. Instead of the usual losing weight, I've started overeating to relieve my stress and now hate my body with such a passion I honestly don't want to go outside. I'm so ashamed of it. Due to being alone so long I've probably created even more problems for myself than I started with, anxiety in social relations, unwillingness to go outside at all. The walls of my home are both a prison and a sanctuary.
Thank you for your kind words and advice though. I'll try my best to smile starting tomorrow. Maybe that'll help. Could start with the mirror.
hypercat Melancholy
Posted
It sounds like your doctor is not willing to refer you for counselling until you become more stable. I think the only way you can do this is to take the meds. They should stabilise your mood and make you feel less depressed. It is very difficult to overdose on the newer ad's they use today which is exactly why they are used. If you stop them suddenly then you might well get withdrawal symptoms but there are ways round that.
Surely taking meds is much better than feeling like this? So bite the bullet and give them a try please. Some people recover from depression without them but others like you don't so you need help. Take it.
Or would you rather carry on like this? Bev x
Melancholy hypercat
Posted
I mean ofc I understand it - they're happy I'm feeling better, they want it to continue. But they disrecard the fact that if I'm able to smile for a day or a week it doesn't make me okay. It doesn't mean my illness is gone.
hypercat Melancholy
Posted
I tried to talk about my depression with my sisters just once (my parents are gone). My youngest sister said 'What you got to be depressed about'?, my middle sister just looked embarrassed and didn't say anything, and my eldest just rattled on about her own problems. Doh.
I do have a couple of understanding friends I can chat to a bit and with my good friends I can say I am feeling very low if I am finding it difficult to be myself and that's fine.
One of the problems with you is being alone so much and having nothing to take your mind off yourself and your thoughts go round and round and you see them as a huge insolvable problem. With help you can start seeing them in smaller chunks which makes them easier to deal with.
I agree that you need to try and control the obsessive thoughts and I have found the way to do this is to keep interrupting them by doing something or deliberately turning your mind to something else like what's on the telly etc. It is very hard to do (believe me I know) but you have to keep doing this and eventually it becomes easier and it happens for longer.
It's the same as the principle of training a dog not to bark (not that you are a dog of course). Keep interrupting the dog barking with a chew or some other distraction and it will get out of the habit.
Being alone too much makes anyone neurotic and self obsessed which is why doing little things will help. You have us to talk to now and we certainly understand depression. Bev xx
Melancholy hypercat
Posted
I'm so sorry your sisters didn't understand. All it really takes is that one person you can talk to. Just one. But I'm happy you have people you can talk about it with!
I only way I know how to control the thoughts is to push them away completely. I can do that. I can focus on a game or a tv show for hours. But that's only excisting, not living plus it doesn't deal with anything. I've lived in a limbo of just trying to ignore how sad I am by focusing on other things. It doesn't work to better anything, and only prolongs the time. It's something though. It helps me get through the day. But having a way to escape reality isn't always a good thing. I've gotten so good at escaping it I can pretend to be completely fine for long periods. (months) It's a tactic I sometimes take with doctors when they're being especially difficult. I know I shouldn't as it serves me no good, but I sometimes just can't help myself.
Yes, being alone is not good for me. But I don't really know how to fix that. When talking to someone I'll immediately think they find me dull, and as I have nothing to talk about since I really do nothing, I feel I have nothing to give to anyone. What kind of a stranger would take a sudden liking to someone so broken? They'd have to be really weird!
Parkinsonswife Melancholy
Posted
We're all here because we're broken to some extent or another. Some of us have found a way to live with it; others are still on theat journey. You know where you'll find gimps like us? Church. In those who have put their faith and trust in the Lord. Sounds trite, tired and preachy, no? If you want to know more, just ask or privately mesage, but I'm not gonna harp on about that uninvited!!
Keep it up, girl!!
Melancholy Parkinsonswife
Posted
And yes, I'm extremely grateful to all of you for replying and talking with me. It's definitely a start, and has even helped me open up a bit more to my mom.
Parkinsonswife Melancholy
Posted
Every one has to find a way through life's pain and I applaud your efforts - that's the most important thing right now!
Melancholy Parkinsonswife
Posted
I've noticed that atheists in general have created a very bad image of themselves - but some of us can and do respect the faith of others. I'm terribly sorry, I should never have brought this up at all.
Parkinsonswife Melancholy
Posted
Let's drop faith and atheism. What you don't need is another reason to beat yourself over the head, so don't. Instead, pick your fight (or your hurt, if you will). You've plenty to be hurtin' about; it's a matter of (sort of) lining up your hurts and hang-ups and...here's the hard bit; culling the ones you can't do a thing about. Get rid of them, seeing as they can't be helped right now. Concentrate on the tiny steps you can do right now that'll help. And if you can't do anything about them right now, don't worry!
What you don't do is ADD!!! x
Melancholy Parkinsonswife
Posted
I'm feeling a tad weird today. Like I actually want to do something. But I have no idea what. I still feel like I can't do anything, but the desire's there. Maybe I should follow your advice and write a list. I'm sure my doctor would appreciate it, too.
Parkinsonswife Melancholy
Posted
Make you letters big, but with enough room around them to doodle. Over the next few days, when you feel like it (if it becomes a 'task', then it's no fun), doodle 'round them using different colors.
If you have a cell-phone, take pics as you go. It's actually a fun exploration of how you're doing - best of all, it's rather enjoyable
Melancholy Parkinsonswife
Posted
Parkinsonswife Melancholy
Posted