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I'm a 24, soon to be 25 year old. I know I'm really young, and that's the biggest ''encouragement'' people give me generally. You haven't lived much, there's still so much ahead, etc. But the thing is, I've been depressed for almost 10 years now. I've been on and off with meds, had some ''brighter'' episodes in bethween the years, but basically I've accomplished nothing. I have no education degrees, no work experience. I can barely function on my own. My family lives far away, and doesn't understand my depression at all. In fact, my sister tells me I'm depressed simply because I'm just that lazy. Maybe that's true? I don't know. I live alone, and have no friends. I have just recently cut off my last tie to a person by managing to tick off my ex so badly he almost suffocated me by strangling to get his point of wanting me out of his life through. He's the father of my son, who's another point of depression. Just can't seem to be able to love the kid like I should. What good is someone like me anyway? I have no right to call myself a mother.
I've gone through abortion, abusive boyfriend, neglect and abuse from my dad, losing all my friends, being homeless, attempting a suicide through slicing my wrists open... Something bad, you name it and it's probably happened. So far, anything I've tried turns to ash soon. Relationships, jobs, even normal day to day life... I can't get a grip of any of it and I just end up failing.
I'm honestly hanging on to life by the tiniest possible thread simply for the sake of being so stubborn I can't give up. But every day is torture, and I just keep waiting on something to change, yet it doesn't. I can't find the will to live but I'm too stubborn and too much of a coward to go through with ending it. Also don't want to go through the experience of laying in a hospital bed listening to the nurses go on how ''it's another of those attention seekers''. That was devastating for me. But I'm at my wits end. How long will it go on? When does one get a happy end? How do you find a will to live through all the sh*t?
I want to die, but I can't. I want to live, but I don't know how or why. I want to move on, do something, but I don't have the strenght. What should I do, really?
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