I'm so tired of life.

Heh, but don't you think Melancholy sounds more artistic either way? The gesture's brilliant though, and in all honesty you actually made me cry. In a good an bad way. I suppose hope as a concept is just that touching to someone like me who struggles to see it everyday.

I'm sorry, I'm not a native english speaker, is GP a counsellor of some sorts? My guess would be doctor as they're the only ones able to prescribe meds. Whereas the idea of throwing the label Melancholy away is as an idea, probably a good thing I don't think I could. Throwing it away would also throw away the suffering I've had. That would mean throwing away 50% of my life. Then again, that's exactly what I've been doing the past years. Throwing my life away. But disregarding that completely to be reborn? I'd rather remember the suffering and what that got me. I know if I get past this, if I can move on, nothing will ever again make me steer away from my path. I know it's just a figure of speech, I'm getting a bit carried away. Used to love theories and psychological stuff. Sorry. Anyway, I get your point.

I appreciate your kind words a lot, thank your for taking the time to reply. I actually do deal with stuff when I manage to deal with it, by writing poems. Well, I call them ramblings on paper in poem form, but sometimes they help, just a tiny bit. Definitely something I'd recommend to anyone. 

The thing with feeling down is, I've been stuck at home for years now. I used to get happier watching happy movies or so, but for the past year I've spent most of my life either watching series, or playing a game on the computer. I sleep, turn on the computer, turn it off and go back to sleep. It holds no meaning for me anymore. That's been my rythm for... Way too long. Breaking it is scary. Going out is scary. Doing something different is scary. I want to and don't want to stay in this same pattern. So often I wish I had someone by my side, helping me. But I barely even interact with humans at all. I dunno how I could change that, getting friends in adult age is very difficult. People tend to shy away from the so called social rejects which I've made myself part of. Well, that's life I guess.

Thanks once more for the encouragement. I'll try to take your advice to heart and better myself.

Melancholy-Hope,

i was reborn on the 17th May 2017 the day I chose to die, I was saved not just by doctors, nurses and medication but by understanding that I was not alone. I went to hospital with others who suffer and I learned much from them, I come on this site and continue to learn. By giving support I have a sense of purpose and by writing about my feelings I hope to spread the word. I will never forget my past as it is not only a part of me but the source of my strength. You are amazing, truely wonderful person and I know you will become one of life shining stars that will light up the darkness of mental illness. 

Your friend

David

Great reply David x

 

You probably mean 2007. *grin* 

I wouldn't be so sure about the shining star, but I could be an ecplise. After complete darkness everything looks that much brighter, right? Haha.

I truly wish I could feel not alone. But when you spend your day alone, and have no friends, it's just not possible to feel that way. It's just me against the world. It helps to be able to talk somewhere, like here. But it could never replace the comfort of actually talking and having someone there for you in person.

I'm sure you have, and will continue to help many people by doing this.

2015 lol,

i do know exactly what you mean, sometimes just being with people is enough and no matter how kind the words are, they are just black squiggles on a white background. What you need is a group, people who understand how you feel, unfortunately I found mine in hospital but let's not go that far. There is a website I seen that was like a friend finder site for people who suffer which may help, now I know links get moderated on here but I will find it and post it and also send you it as a private message. Who knows there may be someone close to you who also needs help, you could help each other.

stay strong my little ray of hope, you will one day become the brightest star of all. 💙😀🙏

The site

http://www.depressionalliance.org

Then again, sometimes groups of people can be exhausting. I for one, really prefer talking to a single person over a group - in a group I'm always silent unless talked to. And feel kinda awkward. 

Thanks for the site but as it's UK based I doubt they're active where I live. I'll try to do a search, maybe my country has something similar. 

I'll try to stay strong, but the only star I'll ever be is a black hole! 

Pah! You have a smile on your face and a sparkle in your eye, both will grow along with your strength 🌻 you are moving in the right direction, tell me the best part of your day today. Mine was I managed to get through the day taking only half a diazepam table instead of the usual two 😀

I guess I can't hide it. It's a difficult case of conflicting traits - optimist vs pessimist. Sometimes, the old optimist makes a small crack to the shell. Best part, hmm. Opening up to my mom about how I'm feeling right now. It's the best and saddest, as she probably got so flustered she didn't even end up replying... She visited the town I live to bring the kiddo back to his dad's place, but didn't 'have enough time' to go and visit me even though I asked. Kinda cold. I expected a lot more from her. Oh! I have one! I live on the 5th floor, and for the first time in a while I didn't think how nice it'd feel to fall down from there.

And good for you! I'm not very well versed in meds in general, but the less the better, right? 

Jumping out of windows is very messy and people have to come and scrape you up with a bucket, guessing not a fitting end to a beautiful woman. Tomorrow I want you to write me a short story preferably in English about how you woke one day and did 3 things that changed your life. Trick they have to be things you could do. 

I woke up expecting the day to be like any other. I reached for my phone to see the time - 7am. Huh. Weird. I usually woke up much later. Did I go to sleep early yesterday? I couldn't remember. What exactly did I do yesterday? Couldn't remember that either.

I took a closer look at my phone - a text message? What?

-Don't forget, we're meeting today!

Umm... With who? For what? I hastily wrote.

-Where? The response came quickly.

-The usual coffee shop.

I was starting to feel bizarre. Did I go crazy or hit my head so hard I'd gotten amnesia? Maybe I'm still sleeping. I pinched myself. Nope, not sleeping. Something was definitely off, but what?

I jumped off the bed. A mirror was my best bet. Maybe I'd switched bodies like in those fantasy stories. Anything felt possible right now. I took a quick look and froze.

I was looking at a familiar stranger. I was still me, but wasn't. Where were all the chubby parts? Last image of myself looked vastly different and about 60 pounds heavier. The dark rings around my eyes seemed to have vanished. I didn't look tired, or annoyed. I liked the reflection in the mirror. Something strange was going on. How was this even possible?

I decided to look around the place. It was still the same apartment even if decorated differently. Where was the dull design? I could see the japanese influence in the decor choices – the living room even had a tiny zen looking space separated by a paper screen. A yoga mat was laying on the floor.

I felt drawn to it and my body started going through the routines on it's own. It felt good to strech and greet the morning with yoga - revitalizing.

I don't know what had happened, but I certainly liked the changes. I was still convinced this was an altered reality. Maybe I'd somehow shifted through to a different world, I remember reading a story about it once. Oh, well. Might aswell enjoy it while I can!

I'd need to figure out this meeting business, though. The other person seemed a bit pushy and would most likely pester me later if I didn't show up – I knew the type well. Looking through my phone, I found I'd talked to this person a lot. Weird enough, we seemed to be... friends.

I had a friend? Me? Now I knew for sure it wasn't reality. My mind was playing tricks with me. Maybe all that time spent alone had made me delusional – yes, that was it. What else could it be?

It felt wrong that my delusions could be so happy, though. Wasn't it usually something more menacing? Like hearing voices?

I'd just have to play it cool. I knew this was a delusion I wanted, no, needed to keep. After being here, seeing this, I could never go back to my old life. Delusion or not, I'd have to decide this was reality. And make sure I wouldn't talk about the things that had changed – for the chance others couldn't see it.

With a small smile on my face, I reached out to my shelf to find a familiar notebook. I ripped a page off. Giving the poem one last look;

There was a time you imagined

you can do anything

There was a time your heart

was filled with hope

There was a time you thought

everything will work out

Oh how the world broke you

With my smile widening, I tore it to little shreds. In this new world, or whatever it was, I wouldn't be broken. I'd be whole. I quickly got dressed, grabbed my phone and my keys and tossed them into a bag.

Then I stepped out of the door to an almost blindingly bright morning.

Couldn't sleep so I wrote it already. Then again, it counts as tomorrow since it's past midnight, right! It's been so long since I wrote anything... That felt good. Thanks, David. 

Firstly my little 🌟 that was brilliant, I could have kept reading.you have a beautiful imagination and a wonderful writting style. And best of all you have some answers. Firstly yoga, if you ain't got a mat get one and I can recomment a great app if you want (I use it myself). Second find out if there is a yoga class near you. Thirdly I want you to continue the story, let's find out what happens to 'Melanie Hope' lol finally can we add

Oh how the world tried to break you

But everything worked out,

Because of a heart filled with hope,

that helped you do everything you imagined.

David

 

Thanks! That's kind of you, but brilliant is overdoing it a bit! I'm afraid this story can't continue though, as in my head it already ended - trying to continue it by force probably wouldn't do it any justice! I do have a yoga mat, and actually just a while ago digged up some poses from the internet and wrote them down on a paper I'm putting on my wall. Plan to do those every morning.

That's a nice addition! But! It alters the whole poem There you go again, trying to change my melancholy into hope! Pfft! *grin*

I actually did something that was probably for the best today - took my first depression pill. I'm still scared as hell eating them, but I'm tired of living as a shadow. And if this will really help... Let's hope so.

Okay then, I gather you have a smart phone or tablet there is an app called simply yoga which even the free version is great. Read my blog and see if your brave enough to start your own but I think you should fill it with short stories you seem to have a knack