I'm tired of life, with little reason, not dramatic - just 'done'...

Hi again,

​You can't turn off feelings, both positive and negative. We all know this. Just as you can't not love someone, you can't make yourself think positively.

​Without being you, knowing the ins and outs of it, it is impossible to suggest what to do. You know what is and isn't possible and I can only give a sympathetic nod to what you must feel. Without wanting to seem patronising or insulting in anyway, is the fact it is so completely impossible not somewhat of a relief? I mean as much as that if someone or something is within reach then it is infuriating, turning your life in to a series of "what if I just..." with constant failure. If it is completely 100% impossible then your ONLY solution, as harsh as it sounds, is to somehow make peace with this. Now this actually gives you an aim, or something to talk about. Getting over this person, or finding a different passion should be your focus. I'm not saying that you will ever find anyone who may match this person but I'm sure you will acknowledge there is a danger of putting someone you have held in such high regard for such a long time on such a high pedestal that they are irreplaceable - much like fantasing about a celebrity, they're perfect. I don't know anyone who's perfect!

​When I write what I do, to you and others, I have to admit there is a level of devil's advocat and much of what I suggest is very much do as I say, not as I do! Again, in relation to the online dating, why stop? What really is the harm of chatting to new people? I'm sure there are more generic sites than strictly dating ones too. Take some solace in the fact few people's stories are straightforward, the one blessing we have in this world is you can contact more people than ever who will have a similar one to you. Gay, straight, black, white, transgender, ethnicity, religious beliefs, age gaps, disabilities, personal style and yes, even mental health issues, all have areas where like minded people can chat, look for comfort and get opinions. I'm sure your story is not so unusual that you could not develop things if you wished, I don't believe in soulmates - there are different level and different types of people for everyone. What one partner made you feel amazing in might be something the next doesn't, but they make you feel even better about something else.

​Do you want a social life? I ask that because it's a question I'm not sure I can answer myself. I love the idea of friends, I even miss the friends I had every day but I also question whether my mind is suited to them - I question and over-analyse everything and often feel worse about myself the more I am around others. So wanting to be sociable is a tricky area. However, if you do want to be sociable, what can be done about it? You're the second or third person on here I have spoken to of a similar age, if there is nothing to do in person then I'm sure there are places online. Very few friends is also some friends. Spend more time with them, if they want and you don't feel pushy. Are any of them alone? Winter months are particuarly bad time for lots of people, SAD kicks in even if mild, people stay in doors and the focus on family can become overbearing...

​Which brings me to your Christmas question. I love the magic of Christmas, there is an escapism feel to it. But the reality is much much harder. I have been fortunate enough to escape the last two years in New York to have a magical christmas (living an Xmas movies!) without family pressues but this year, due to money and other reasons, I'm back doing the whole family thing. And I'm dreading it. My family are ok, to lovely to amazing but it's just the pressure of acting confident, talking about my life and future, comparing myself to others and feeling very much the outsider I hate. I know most of this is me but by Xmas Eve I'm fairly sure I'll be in fight or flight mode! One year I literally had to be dragged from my house as I refused to leave it. Do you have family? If not, do you have friends that are also alone? What about volunteering somewhere Xmas day, do something different - I'm sure there are loads of people and institutions that need help or volunteers and would help you focus on things other than yourself. That's the key, focus on yourself and you'll only see things that are lacking or flaws, but go to a hospital or a old people's home or something and you'll be chatting to them.

And in truth, that's what I still do on here - that's why I'm still writing and replying ages after the initial thread. My feelings haven't changed, I have good days and bad and I do balance on the edge of trying and giving up but talking to yourself and others helps me take the focus away from me. Me is not a good subject. Look above and see all the different things I've said to different people - hopefully it helped them even one percent but it's helped me a little too. It's not helped me feel better about myself (often the opposite!) but it has achieved one simple aim - it stopped me thinking about myself for a short time. Depression is a selfish disease and I don't mean that in a bad way - most people on here seem fairly nice, caring and generoud - but it is the focus on what's bad about yourself. How you effect others. How I could be better. Not thinking about it for an hour is kind of nice.

​Please never apologise for unburdening on the thread! In fact never feel sorry for unburdening to anyone - that's what this and friends are for.

​I'm sure there is nothing you haven't thought or heard before from what I've said but do remember that, if you want, you're not alone. I don't know what your name is, where you're from, what you do, what you've done. I don't know if you have views that are polar opposite to me, have the same interests or even moral compass but it doesn't mean I won't listen. I'm a complete stranger writing on a message board to you for the second or third time and I'd like to help. I'm not unique. There are loads on here, and loads in the real world. Some will help you more than others, some will be able to empathise better, some will have similar experiences. But they're out there and with the internet they're closer than ever. If you want friends, even if online ones, they're out there and you definitely can find them. Take a step, see what happens next.

Good luck.

Hi again rsjg hope you are doing ok at this time?

You write so well and make sense in your comments, you certainly sound very level headed. I've not been on this forum for about a week but am back tonight because I am feeling so low and hopeless/helpless. (I really should start my own topic rather than hijacking yours, but wonder whether I would get any responses)

My head and emotions are in turmoil (as they have been for the last year) and at present I feel like I just do not want to go on. The problem I have described a bit in my previous comments to you, is still very much at the forefront of all that is going wrong with my life, but it has now taken on an unexpected and worrying twist. Things could well come to an unpleasant conclusion later this week - I am intending to see the person I have fallen in love with, and right now rather than looking forward to it I am dreading it and am scared how it will pan out. The worst case scenario is that the meeting goes horribly wrong and I end up walking away for the final time - I fear that the bad news I am expecting will push me over the edge. Apart from my counsellor I have nobody I can talk to in detail about my problems and there does seen only one permanent solution to the awful emptiness, loneliness and never-ending crisis I am in. Whether I have the necessary courage to end it all, right now I really can't say. Nobody will miss me, so what is the point of going on?

Hi again,

​Is it bad that my best response to you is just the will to give you a hug?! And take that as a compliment, I don't do hugs!! And hijack away, I am subtly trying to ignore me...

​It's so hard to help without specifics, so that I know that I'm not talking rubbish or saying something stupid. Is there anyone you can speak to in confidence? I wouldn't expect you to reveal all on here!

​So once again I'm going to try and reply with honest intent, so please don't be offended if anything is way off base. You say that it has taken a worrying and unexpected twist - I think you need to look at it differently. I believe the worst part of most things is not knowing, good or bad. For example when waiting for a job offer you might be a bag of nerves but once the call comes, positive or otherwise, there is the release of tension. Obviously all those emotions are heightened when it is a relationship but you have to try and look at this weeks possible conclusion as closure - either it'll work out perfectly or it's finished forever.

​So plan for the worst. What's the absolute worst thing that could happen? The person doesn't respond in the appropriate way, shuns you. There are ripple effects that mean others shun you (I'm doing proper doomsday response here - I don;t know how inappropriate your feelings are). Is that really going to make you feel worse than you do this very minute? You already believe it anyway. So knowing you were right, knowing it was a disaster, what do you do? What can you do? You have to move on, as hard as it'll be. But surely that's a billion times better that this state of depression limbo where you hate day to day but keep going because of the whole 'what if'. It's like waiting to be sacked or something - you're fairly sure it's coming, you don't want it to but the pressure of it daily means then when it finally does come there is an element of relief.

​I think you're wrong no-one will miss you. I often think about 'going' but I still think people would miss me - just that they'd be better off. That's a different argument. But if we go back to your no-one will miss you argument and even assume it's true - then why care about them enough to do it? Find people (friends, work whatever) that would miss you for you. Family?

​In fact I would go as far as to say, as much as I recognise the strong emotions of love and what it can make you feel and do, should one person dictate your happiness? Think about that - you're so focused on this person, why do they hold the key to everything? No-one is that good, no-one. Focus on YOU not them.

​I hope it works out for you, but I suspect from what you say that it won't. I'm a realist. So all I will say is I, your counsellor, and probably loads of pother people on here and in your life will be more than happy to listen and help as you so desire. The worst case scenario is they 'die' to you -but that doesn't mean you have to - even widows move on, life moves on, painful as it may be for long periods of time. But love can be refound, remade, adjusted and different from one person to the next. Never put all your happiness on to one person, because even with the best will in the world it is inevitably going to fail.

​Good luck, I'm always here to reply, as bad as my attempts may be!

Hello again, well I saw the person I'm in love with earlier tonight and what I had been worrying about didn't happen. But sadly the worst thing that could happen has happened and I have seen her for the last time. I've just made it sound so straightforward, but believe me it was a lot more complicated than that. 

I feel so empty and alone now, haven't stopped crying for 3 hours and have emptiness ahead of me. The only family I have are moving away from the area next week, I only have 2 friends (both in long term relationships & rarely see or speak to them), am very long-term unemployed because of my mental health problems.

i feel like I don't have anything to live for anymore

I happened to be online...

Right. First things first - just grieve a little. It's not wrong to be upset. You should be. Just live each day by day until it hurts just a little less - you cried for three hours today because of the hurt, but I doubt you'll cry that much in a months time because time will pass, it'll still hurt but a tiny bit less. Eventually it'll hurt enough to live with, even if the pain never completely goes.

Again, focus on the positives. At least you have two friends, so be the one to initiate contact, meet for a Xmas drink. It doesn't ned to be a big heart to heart, just a distraction, take yourself out your own mind. As for family, and friends for that matter, distance isn't important - I have closer relationships with family members who are hundreds of miles away than ones down the road. There's phones, emails, skype or just make time to travel every so often. Don't use distance as an easy excuse.

Love is never straightforward, even when it goes well. One lost love, whatever your age, sexuality, race or anything else does not mean game over. I don't believe in soulmates, you just fit better with some people more than others, all relationships require work, and you may well find, one day, someone else that fits well with you. But there's no rush, although now you must accept you should look - there is no 'what if' now.

There's plenty to live for. At least two friends, some family that will like to hear a voice from home and the chance of a better life, a better mental health. If, and I am slightly rose-tinting, this situation ends up being the closure you needed to move on then maybe, just maybe, your life may end up being better than you ever imagined.

Don't make decisions in a period of grief, recognise it as that. If you still feel this strongly in 6 months to a year then I'd be surprised. You'll still hurt, I'm not silly, but you'll begin to see opportunities. There is no ONE person for anyone, so eventually you'll be able to imagine a life that hasn't got this one person on a pedestal. I truly believe that.

Good luck, always happy to talk (and argue!) with you.

What a mess, life is made up of different people in your life year after year. Can't think about ending your life over of one relationship.. I've learned long time ago got to be able to live with yourself, love yourself, accept yourself before somebody else can.. There's always another woman that you will meet sooner or later. I know after a relationship that can be extremely hard to get over that person. If it's a first love that's a different story. You should get away from the situation and give her some breathing room.... that's the the only way it'll work... I've been there too many times . Bury yourself in work even if it's somewhere you don't want to work .. find a therapist and work on the second step! Work your problems out. You can never give up... I have a physically disabled and not many women are out there looking for somebody like me. My head is lying on my shoulder and I will probably end up alone.. I've learned and depend on being alone myself. But to think about killing yourself over a woman when there are so many out there.. Best thing to do is to go on a date.. Family is family and its unconditional love. Its good to have time away from family every once in awhile. If staying away and given her room doesn't work you have to find the strength to move on.. I know saying and doing it is a whole different story but you have to. It's hard to think of the aftermath of what would happen if you hurt yourself. Your family suffers for the rest of their lives. If there's any kids in the family please think of them because they will take the same way out one of these days, I'm not saying all of them but just one of them increases the chances.. Everyone as a lot of demons and bones in their closet to deal with and before you can be whole you have to deal with your own problems.. Good luck, if you need help you know what to do..

Hey, thanks for the comment. If you've read much above you'll see that I am kind of beyond help! However, if you've got anything you wish to say about yourself, or comments in general then please feel free to reply on here or even make your own topic where I'm sure the people on this website are better placed to help you in any way you need.

Best wishes.

Hi Antonio04801. I speak with ZERO authority on the topic but if you know you're Bipolar, and have been diagnosed etc, then clearly you need further help from the medical profession as regards your feelings. Perhaps a change of medication or something?

​What you describe in brief is very much the symptoms of bipolar, as I understand it, so you need to look at the causes and triggers and if you've gone through the stages to be diagnosed, I hope the next stage is successful.

​Being happy is such a difficult term, just focus on the here and now and then work out about being happy. I wish you luck.

Sort the alcohol then sort the depression. Or sort the depression and then the alcohol will sort itself. But I imagine it'd be impossible to do them both at the same time. If you recognise it's horrific then you know you want/need to change.

Good luck.