I'm tired of life, with little reason, not dramatic - just 'done'...

You sound like you've had a lot of bad things happen to you and also as a result of your depression. I think you need to look at getting the depression looked at before you consider anything else. If you have had 'hypertensive crisis' then you know your doctor well I assume and need to ask for some more help - just because it's not physical doesn't mean it's not as important.

​You need to get out the cycle then evaluate where you are. You have a lot to say so share it with someone who can help - even just print off what you wrote.

Good luck.

What more is there to say... than I hear you. It's seeing a point with putting up with all the little niggles that life brings - if there is no end game, no reward, no happiness then it does beg the question why bother...

​But we go on. We do, we try (sometimes), we pretend (often), we get tired (always) but go on we do in the hope we're wrong and others are right. I am losing the patience to believe in others optimism. This is it. I think I'm on the final run now.

Thanks for your answer.  For some reason i feel obliged to say that i'm sorry you feel like you're on your final run, even though that's exactly how i feel as well.  

I actually feel better and happier since i've come up with a plan and a rough timeline.  

I still would prefer it to happen to me rather than do it myself, being lazy again i guess, but also becasue i don't really want to be remembered as that guy.

In response to your coment about going on, i would say that i already think that other people are right.  Most arguments i've heard for going on is valid and correct. Itès just that for me, they are no longer sufficient to overcome how tired i am of trying.  If i were to win millions in  alottery so that i could just do what i want with no responsibilities then i would be fine.  But that isn't going to happen and anything that takes any more effort is beyond me.

Hi I understand everything you are saying but will say the following.  I felt like that many times in my life but just put off attempting suicide lots of times,  and just struggled on day by day.   Before I realised it I had retired and now my life has changed so much for the better.  I am glad I put it off.  

I don't know what your situation is exactly or how old you are but it might give you something to think about. 

Now I get up when I want,  do what I want and make sure I never have to work again or do anything I don't want to.  Is that worth carrying on for?  I don't know.   x

Thanks for your answer hypercat

Sorry if this gets posted twice, it went for moderation and i assume it's becasue i used a bad word so i've edited to see if that was the issue.

Yes, you are absolutely correct and i've been doing that for years.  Sadly i am 52 now and do not have nearly enough for retirement, to even survive let alone be comfortable.   

I was fired from my job of 17 years a year ago and just recently found a short term contract position, which is ending in a month at which time i will have no money.  

I have no desire at all to scramble around trying to find another position just to struggle trhough until i'm too old to work and still can't afford to retire.  

i really do appreciate your comments and i know and recognize that i sound like jerk about this.  I know there are millions of people working their way through much worse situations than i have ever had, i am just very weak and lazy and don't want to deal with even the good life that i've had.

I can't explain it, it's just how i feel.

sorry i can't even read that myself without seeing how stupid i sound.

Hi Johnny I get that completely and no you are not a jerk!   I have been in the same position before more than once and hated it.  I have found I have had periods in my life where I am very poor then other times when I am solvent.  Every time I re-entered a poor time I hated it,  but tried to see it as a challenge and see if I could remember how to cope.   Things usually pick up again one day.  . 

You never know what is around the corner and my curiosity kept me going.  As did my leisure activities,  friends and a good sense of humour. 

I am very lazy too but just tried to get jobs I didn't mind doing too much and used it as a means to an end ie enjoy the rest of my life outside work. 

Do you have any private pensions you can draw at 60?   Can you cut your outgoings?    Would you be able to think about doing part time work in a few years?  Have you any hobbies you enjoy? 

It would seem a shame after working all your life not to enjoy the good times which can come later.

Do you think your depression is under control?     Bev x  

Thanks again Bev

it's really kind of you to take the time and effort to talk to me.

i admire the strength you have to see being poor as a challenge and to accept the challenge, but i just don't have it in me to face even the possibility that i might lose my house and lifestyle.  i've been afraid of being homeless and on the street most of my life because i know i could never do it.

 

i agree with you about curiosity keeping you going, it has for me for a long time, but lately i've been thinking "if i had dfies 20 years ago look at all i would have missed" and those have been the best 20 years of my life where i did a lot of good things, i realize that had i not experienced them i wouldn't have missed them.  Also i think about things i would have liked to do that even if i live a long time from now that i will never get to do, and i find i'm not heartbroken at not doing those either, so curiosity for the future just isn't enough anymore.

As for leisure activities, i used to enjoy doing  a lot of things, and while i still do some of them, i no longer enjoy them, or well anything really.

I have only 60K in my retirement account and while your suggestion of cutting outgoings makes sense, once again, it's something i don't think i will be able to do.

i find it interesting that you ask if my depression is under control, i guess since this is a depression forum that's understandable, but i don't think i have any mental illness, including depression.  i have been crying every so often for not much reason which i don't understand and i'm sad sometimes but i don't think it is depression.

It's kind of you to say i'm not a jerk (that wasn't the word i used originally, but i think that's why the first post wasn't allowed ) however i don't know how else to describe someone that has had every advantage in life and enjoyed a mostly problem free, fun interesting life and can't even handle such an easy life to the point where i am willing to hurt the people that care about me (and yes i have people that care about me, including my wife who will be financially devastated when i'm gone) by ending it

in my case suicide would be all of the negative things that people say that it is, but i just feel like i have to.  the only time i really feel ...  not happy, but content is when i think of my resolve to exit soon.

i'm sorry that i'm not easier to talk to, i do appreciate your efforts to help, you are a wonderful person

 

No I am not wonderful Jonny - but what I am is have been there and even got the cruddy T-shirt,  but thank you for saying that.   Makes me feel good.

I am going to disagree with you - I think you have depression but refuse to let it head room.   I saw some stats recently that said that the most common cause of death in men aged between 25 and 45 is suicide.  I think this is often because men refuse to admit they have a problem and won't talk about it with anyone.  They see it as shameful and weak and not manly.  Does this sound like you?  

If you are thinking seriously about suicide there is something very wrong as that is a red flag.  You have opened up to us on here which is very brave,  so now take the next step and see your doctor.  Please. 

Please don't be one of the statistics Johnny.  Bev xx

I will disagree on the subject of your wonderfuness. You may not think so, but the patience and kindness you’ve shown, make me think that you are in fact pretty great.  IT can’t be easy for you especially because you’ve been here.

You may be right, i may have depression.  i’ve read about it and i honestly don’t think i have the symptoms and signs of having clinical depression, but i’m no doctor so i may be totally wrong.

I do see myself as weak, i don’t know how else to see it when someone like me thinks life is too hard.  I read other people's stories of abuse and loss and i have experienced nothing even close to that yet here i am whining and feeling sorry for myself. 

The thought of asking for help terrifies me, and i am not strong enough to do it. There’s no way i can talk about this without sounding like a giant whiney baby and i will be dismissed as such.  Even if help came to me without me asking for it, i don’t think i could handle it.  I am unable to deal with anyone showing sympathy for me or trying to help, it makes me cry which makes me push them away.  just writing this is taking hours as it has me in tears and i’m at work, so i have to stop after every few words to collect myself to be able to write more.

I’m also really afraid that if i were to get help that it might actually... help and for me right now that seems like the worst possible thing, that i might be talked out of it.  So at best it would be  a waste of time and at worst it could “cure” me.  I just don’t have the energy to try. not to try to find another job, or to find help or anything really.  i barely have the energy to even go through with this, but as it’s the last thing i will have to do and i’ve found what i think will be a fairly easy way, i think i can manage to get it done.

I hate the way i sound in these messages, it’s exactly what i didn’t want to be, it seems overly dramatic and important, when i feel like the original post, it isn’t important, it isn’t dramatic, i’m just done and want to quit.

 

No Johnny you will not be dismissed by anyone as a 'giant whiney baby'   Doctors tend to take depression in men more seriously especially if they are a man themselves coz they know how hard it is to admit it. 

Depression is an illness and it can strike anyone.  There are many different types of depression you know and you might not have the clinical one.  But the fact you are talking about suicide means something is definitely wrong.  

I suffered and still do from depression for many years but it is nowhere near as bad as it was because I am on ad's and had counselling.  Now I can generally live with it and have a pretty good life which means something to me.  

Depression can strike anyone at anytime and is an illness the same as say cancer is.   It can also be very serious.   It is nothing in you which has caused this - YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME!

Isn't it worth giving yourself the chance for life for yourself and your family before going the ultimate route?   After all you have nothing to lose do you?   If you give it plenty of time and you still don't feel better you can still go ahead can't you?   You have lost nothing by waiting and seeking help first.  

Write down how you feel if you life and just give it to the doctor.  Or take someone with you who understands and can talk for you.   It would be such a shame if you refuse to do this.   You will then become one of the sad statistics - do you want that?   Then everyone can go 'I am so shocked I never knew he was in such a bad way'.   I have had this with friends before and I don't want it with another friend if you don't mind!

I am calling you a friend because you are now.  Listen to Aunty Bev and seek help otherwise I WILL call you a 'giant whiney baby'  Ok?   Bev xx

 

Thank you Bev, i understand your points and they are very well made, however i’m afraid that i’m just wasting your time and effort.  You are probably right that a doctor might well take it seriously (although my doctor is a woman).   It’s not the doctor that will think i’m a giant baby, it’s everyone i know.  i’m already well known as whiny and annoying to everyone that knows me, complaining that i’m depressed and upset will just  confirm and increase their view of me.  Please don’t think i i’m blaming them, they are all good people and they are my friends and loved ones, it’s just that is their honest assessment of me and i agree with them, they are absolutely correct.

i did try about a year ago to mention it too her, but i can’t bring myself to form the words, when i try i just get overwhelmed with a feeling that i’m complaining over nothing, and instead take it back and minimize it as much as possible.  So when i did that she didn’t pick up on the original request which is totally reasonable, she was busy and i really didn’t say anything.  i can’t see another attempt being any more successful.

I do know that depression is an illness and can strike anyone, i’m just not sure that it’s necessarily the case with me, i suspect that i’m just too weak to survive.  If i’d been born into almost any other time or circumstance when survival was hard, i would never have got to this age, it’s only because life is so easy now that i haven’t died due to my own laziness or stupidity.

i’m not talking about suicide anywhere but here because i don’t want to make the proverbial “cry for help”, i’m not looking for help,i’m just … done.  if i were younger i’d agree with you that i should stick around and things would get better, that is exactly what i did when i was a teenager, and it got me to here.  But now i’m 52, there is not much chance at all of anything improving significantly and i realize that it wouldn’t have been a bad thing if i’d done it when i was 17, there’s nothing that i’ve done since then that i look back on and think “well that was worth all the hassle”.  the daily grind of living still outweighs everything else in my case.

As for what i have to lose by trying? i do have something to lose, i lose the chance to not have to experience tomorrow.  i don’t know how to make someone understand how much i want to just stop. Stop getting up in the morning, stop dealing with people, stop having responsibilities, stop everything.  i’ve been putting it off for years, now i don’t want to put it off anymore. you ask if i want to be a statistic as if the answer is obvious and clear, yet my answer is the opposite you expect, YES! i want to be nothing more than a statistic that sounds like the best possible thing to me, and i don’t think it’s a particularly sad one, millions of people die every day, one more makes no difference in the world.

it’s so nice of you to consider me a friend, and i know you’re joking about calling me that, but seriously that has no effect on me, as i already know it to be true   i really do feel bad that i even made a post here now and caused you to waste your time and effort, you’d be much better served to focus on people here that need and want to be helped.

Sorry

Oh Johnny get over yourself please.   I say what I mean and mean what I say and it's my time to waste so butt out willya?   Daft 'appeth  

I say 'friend' coz I know exactly where you are coming from and where you are at,  so in that sense we are soul mates Ok?   I will never meet you or vice versa but the connection is there at least for me if not you.  

Your daily life is a grind because you are suffering from depression and from the sounds of it have been for many years.   Think how much time you have wasted already by not dealing with it!   Go and see a male doctor if the female one puts you off...

Every person is unique and as I value life I think this is a loss to everyone.   I think you like to think of yourself as weak so you can feel sorry for yourself and justify your intentions. 

I can tell it's depression coz I am pretty expert at it myself you know.   The negative thoughts are there in everything you say and do and that's a dead giveaway.   What have you to lose by admitting it?

You don't need to tell the whole world you are suffering from depression you know,  so if they don't know they won't see you as weak will they?   Do you think I tell everyone?  No way.  My family don't understand or care but some of my friends do because they have experienced it themselves.   I talk on here a lot about it and a couple of other sites I am on.  That's enough people who know. 

If you tackle your depression then your life won't be a daily grind any more and you will have a future.   You are very deep in self pity at the moment and I want to give you a slap! 

I am not giving up on you though friend so you can count on that.   Bev xx   

Thanks Bev

If you choose to consider me a friend then i am grateful, thank you

If you think i’m suffering from depression, i won’t argue with you, it’s certainly possible, i only mean that i’ve never been diagnosed with anything when i say i’m not sure i have anything.

Having a female doctor doesn’t prevent me from talking about it, i much prefer to deal with women than men, men intimidate me.

Other than that you are completely correct i’m sure, i am certainly feeling sorry for myself, and am very deep in self pity, and yes i haven’t ever tried to get any help.  But right now, i don’t want help.  i can't even imagine having the desire to get better, i just want to go away and not have to do anything anymore.

 

I do consider you are friend Johnny.   However I am not a doctor and can't give you a diagnosis of depression,   but you do show lots of symptoms of it.   One of the major symptoms is the 'I don't care'  attitude and 'I don't want to get better coz it's not worth it'.  Don't you believe these are depression thoughts?   A part of you does care coz otherwise why did you come on here in the  first place?   

 No one can make you seek help if you choose not to but it would be a pity not to give yourself a chance wouldn't it?   But there you go.

However be aware that it's not that easy to commit suicide - have you ever looked into it?   There are some sites on here for that so have a google.   I have and it always puts me right off!   All of them sound nasty and painful  - yuck!    I hope you don't though and you know where I am   Bev xx

 

Thank again Bev.

i understand you saying  “A part of you does care coz otherwise why did you come on here in the  first place?” and i won’t say that there is no part of me that cares, but i did pick this particular post to respond to because it sounded so much like how i was feeling and it seemed unlikely that i would get people trying to “save” me or talk me out of it.

You are also right about the methods of suicide, that’s a big reason why i’ve never even gone as far as planning it before, i had never heard of a way that didn’t seem terribly scary or painful ar nasty.  However i do now have  plan for  a way that seems like it might be workable for me.

At this time, you will be happy to know that i’m feeling a little better and even considering trying my doctor. Not sure why,  and i’m not saying i don’t still want to go, but it seems less pressing today than it did a couple of days ago.

i am scared that i won’t be able to deal with talking about it in person, i will either appear appear to happy and calm and will be dismissed or i won’t even be able to talk about it without breaking down and crying which will look like i’m faking it.  i know, it’s silly to worry about those things but, i do, a lot. 

Anyway, we’ll see what happens i guess.

Made an appointment with my doctor, but it's next week and i didn't have to say what it ws about so i can still chicken out, it will depend how i feel that day.

 

Cluck cluck Jonny    Why don't you write down how you feel and just give it to the doctor?   I am sure s/he has had that many times.  I was reading the other day that mental health issues are the number 1 reason people visit a doctor.   Male as well as female..  Bev x

just in case you were interested in a follow up,,  saw the dr today, got prescription for anti depressants, not sure what will happen.  

 

Hi Johhny oh that's fantastic.  Well done my friend.   I am very impressed.  Don't forget you owe it to yourself and your family to try everything first before taking the ultimate step.   I am over the moon you have chosen to fight.  

Am always available for chats in pm anytime you might need support.  Bev xx