I'm tired of life, with little reason, not dramatic - just 'done'...
Posted , 192 users are following.
I'm not even sure I have depression, I think this may just be 'me'.
I have always been pretty useless socially, but have had a normal upbringing, no horrible experiences, have gone through education fine and even got jobs but I've never enjoyed life, never really cared and normally feel like I'm not really worth anything and, inevitably enventually, will become a burden.
I'm not going to be dramatic and say I'm going to end it, it sounds so pathetic (no offence intended to anyone) but I have thoughts of 'going' or even dreams that I could die 'blamelessly' thorugh accident or illness. Selfish I know.
I have a cycle. Get job, put on confident easy going persona, get physically tired from doing that, lose energy to maintain job, focus on negative, leave job in some form (fired/quit). Friends are much the same, play easy going fun, can't keep it up, lose or push them away. Relationships, get attracted to ones who need help, help them in anyway I can, get to a point where I feel I am no more use so should go as they'd be ultimately better off.
So, currently I've quit my job as a teacher, couldn't take it - always something to improve and with my way of thinking that just sounds like constantly someone telling you you're useless (and it backing up your own thoughts anyway) but even though I liked aspects of my job I don't think I had a passion like I see in others. I felt I'd let everyone down so disappeared, my partner/ parents got me through immediate days after my sudden departure from work and saw Doc who was nice enough - put me on medication which seemed to do very little - even after a few months. In fact it only had negative side effects so about three weeks ago I stopped taking them completely. I also started seeing a CBT person about three/four session ago but this feels like it's doing nothing at all either, we talk, I'm honest as I can be but there is some element of being 'public' and putting on that face/ jokey responses.
I dip between a wish to not be around that is forever there and seems to be backed up with wholly logical reasons that people genuinely struggle to refute to absolutely crashing panic attacks/ given up when my 'theories' are proved.
I know this sounds odd, but I don't even have the will to get 'better', largely because I don't think I can. I am just 'me'. I am negative, boring and even if it is all just selffullfillng profecies - it's still me who has done that. I'm not blaming life, or others or anything else.
A lot of the posts I read on here seem to have good reason; PTS, loss, finances etc - does anyone have no 'good' reason?
I just feel I'm never going to be happy, I am soon to be much a burden on those around me (my gf) and that, in the long run, it'd be better for all if I just went. I know my family and gf love me - but time heals, life would get better and people move on. In the long run I'm sure it wouldn't effect my family and 100% sure my gf would be better off.
Not sure if there is an answer for this, just writing. I'm not angry, I'm not hurt, I'm not even sad as such, I'm just tired...
39 likes, 393 replies
killmeslowly rsjg
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I don't think anything can fix this but there are a few things I did and helped me a little. I consistently work out. Cardio activities especially running helped a lot in getting rid of that frustration and get a better sleep. I recently started writing some blogs and stuff just to pass some time.
There were times when things were really bad and i had no other option but to talk to my friend and pour my heart out. I am lucky enough to have one such friend. Some words of encouragement from someone you respect and value can come a long way in easing the pain.
I listen to a lot motivational/inspirational videos on youtube. It is like a daily dose of pill for me. It does help me believe that even though life is not fun and seems hard there is always hope.
rsjg killmeslowly
Posted
Everything you say actually seems quite positive, which obviously is a good thing. You have found what at least helps you manage your symptoms, I suppose your next step is to see if there is any hope of resolving the issues that cause the symptoms. But, like me, maybe they aren't resolvable and are just 'you'.
Anywho, I'm glad you seem to be managing quite well and controlling your mood. Canada sounds fun, if cold, and always think it shows an element of bravery to live and work abroad (I assume that's what you meant by saying Indian in Canada rather from Canada). Thanks for your message anyway.
nolongeractive rsjg
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rsjg nolongeractive
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However, it's a common theme: help yourself by helping others. Most people would say I do that TOO much. I will help others endlessly to the detriment of myself as I value anyone's progress above my own. I have given up things for myself to help a near stranger succeed above me. Especially at work, I often actively passed praise on to others or accepted blame that was not mine to save them. It's actually quite harmful if you think about it as it just helps fulfill a belief you have about yourself.
Helping others hasn't helped me. I still do it too, not like I've given up with that tact as it is ingrained in to my personality. But it doesn't make me feel better about myself, it doesn't make others think better of me (I'm almost invisible) and, despite continuing with quite altruistic actions, I firmly believe there is no justice - the good don't get rewarded and the bad don't get punished. I actually think being nice is BAD for me.
In fact I believe the happy successful people in life are, by and large, the ones who don't dwell on the views of others either negative or positive and just take and use as they see fit to progress. That can be in a postive, go getter super confident way or it can be in a negative stab people in the back kind of way. However being focused on yourself and being selfish is by far the best way of succeeding in this world.
I'm going to stop there. I think you've caught me on a bad day. I didn't realise it, but maybe I'm feeling worse today than I thought - I knew I was irritable and this message has just proved it!
hypercat rsjg
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Being nice is good but there are limits you need to impose. You need to spend some time being selfish and looking after yourself. It doesn't make you a not nice person but does mean you will get more of what you want to in life.
In my experience most people will take advantage of nice people and can end up treating you like a doormat and are not grateful, often they are quite the reverse.
Draw up limits to helping others and learn to say no. It will feel wrong to you but it is actually right for you. We all need to look after ourselves in life coz no one else is going to do it for you are they? Decide what you are willing to do and what you won't do. I would always help someone at work for example and have done but would draw the line at taking the blame for them or jeopardising your own career or happiness. Find the line and draw it. x
nolongeractive rsjg
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jayne10080 rsjg
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rsjg jayne10080
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Anyway, this might sound very messed up, and I even recognise this, but I know a part of my seclusion from the world is to avoid unnecessary pain for others through any decent human's response to loss. I'm not stupid enough to think people wouldn't care, I just think they shouldn't. I also feel that people are sad about a strangers death, you can't be sad about something you don't know though...
My old friends know not where I am, haven't heard from me in years, and I will be nothing but a memory for them now. So if I were to 'disappear permanently' it wouldn't effect them. This has been part of my thinking. It genuinely means that all those thoughts that go through my head are tempered by evaluating how I could cause the least (zero) pain to those I know, or even strangers - I'd never do the train thing, I think that is selfish. There are ways without inflicting it upon others (which I won't go in to for any ideas for people who are closer than I am at the moment!)
I tried the medical route after twenty years of dealing with it myself, that too didn't work. I try not to think about it at the moment, because every time I do, I feel there is no hope.
I'm ok at the moment, the problem comes when work starts for my other half again and I'll be left thinking. Thinking is never good!
hypercat rsjg
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Every so often I weight up my options and decide do I want to carry on or do I take the get out of jail card. Even if I decide on the latter I decide I won't do it that day but maybe tomorrow. Tomorrow comes and I go ok made it so far will think again about it tomorrow. Eventually it fades into the background again.
I find it very comforting to have that option as it gives me peace of mind and control over my own life. If life gets really bad and I do it ok I bought myself many years and now it's time.
You have got to give yourself chances first and explore everything and try everything else before you decide to give up. x
jayne10080 rsjg
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rsjg jayne10080
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If you lose time and time again at chess, and you hate the game as well, do you carry on playing?
jayne10080 rsjg
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rsjg jayne10080
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jayne10080 rsjg
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Pleased that no insult was taken....It,s ok I almost always get it wrong lol jx
Cynic-ella rsjg
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Firstly I would just like to enquire after your relative health and whether you are still alive or not. Sorry if this sounds callous, but it is a mental health site after all and I have a terribly dark sense of humour!! I do so hope you are still alive, even though I realise you find this 'living stuff' all a bit pointless, which I can definitely relate to at this point in my life.
Anyway, my initial reason for contacting you, other than that I think you are a very thoughtful and articulate person, albeit one prone to depression and excessive rumination as I am, is that I am curious about your reasons for leaving the teaching profession. You see I have just had a terrible experience as a supply teacher in a British state high school, largely due to the execrable behaviour of this current generation of high school kids as well as the laughable 'discipline and support system' that currently operates in British high schools. I am from Australia originally, although I have taught English and Dance in various capacities in 5 countries now, but I have to say the behaviour I have seen in schools over here is the worst Ive seen ANYWHERE!!! Have you read 'You're wasting your own time'??? (Written by a British ex teacher). Because in my experience it's all true!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yes so my long winded point being I wondered if part of the reason you left teaching was because of the hideous behaviour of the students here? Certainly if that was at all a factor, I also just wanted to say I dont blame you and nor do at least half the British teaching profession who eventually end up leaving for another field!
To finish my own rant here, I'm still recouperating after the shattering experience I have just gone through... still very disorientated, still weighing upmy options but ABSOLUTELY DEFINITELY NEVER SETTING FOOT INSIDE A MIXED ABILITY STATE HIGH SCHOOL EVER AGAIN!!! They're worse than farm animals if you ask me!!! And I'm not bothered if that sounds elitist. It's the sad truth! The system has fallen apart such that it now just molly coddles and panders to the dysfunctional whilst it penalises any hard working kids in the school AND the staff!
Ok, that's it from me. Have thought about topping myself after 7 yrs of wasted tertiary education but hey, maybe I'll just go and do what every other failed unemployed graduate does...start driving a cab!
This actually doesnt seem such a bad idea to me anymore. No more thuggish swearing brats to deal with, no more inept discipline procedures to endure, no OFSTED inspectors breathing down your neck,and no more stupid bureaucratic box ticking or paperwork to complete! It's a win win, as long as you can cope with the odd drunk babbling or toff twittering in your ear!
Ahh well, such is this absurd thing we call life!
rsjg Cynic-ella
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