I'm tired of life, with little reason, not dramatic - just 'done'...

There is no getting away from the fact we live very EASY lives, we shouldn't really dismiss how advanced as a civilisation we have become. I don't need to spell out the ways in which that is.

However I do agree it is also a contributory factor to some mental health issues: we have time to think rather than just survive, we have knowledge that makes us feel like we're missing out on things and finally I believe men in particular find it hard to cope in a world that encourages the 'hunter gatherer' type mentality but also has moved to a more equality based society. There are papers on it if you really want to research it.

Ultimately I believe knowledge is what hurts most, sounds odd really. But knowing you COULD do this or COULD have that is far worse than never knowing it existed. Loads of people would love to go to New York for example, they know all about it, but will never go for a variety of reasons and that makes them sad. They wouldn't be sad if they didn't know about New York. Now amplify that to more significant knowledge like love, money, friendship, society and I wish I knew less.

I often wish I was a cat! Simple pleasures, lots of sleep. Ambition and knowledge don't exist anywhere else other than in the human mind.

But I don't agree that easier = better, and I don't actually agree that it has actually become easier.

In the past everything we needed was free, but now most of us have to jump through hoops and go through untold amounts of stress just to hope to make enough money at the end of the month to make ends meet.

I slight caveat to that argument though is the situation I find myself in where my basic needs are more than met but I feel lost in an emotional sense - like a disconnect from society and expectations. If you feel depressed because of material concerns then I imagine that could be channeled into an ambitious career path. But I'm just guessing and could not possibly pretend to know even a single answer.

But to get it back on topic, I largely agree with you :D

But we're getting very academical in our discussions so, despite being quite interesting, I'll leave it there!

On a more personal note, dare I suggest some advice if I'm getting the issue behind your belief, if I'm wrong I apologise; don't waste time figuring out how it got to be like this (unless it is academic) but focus instead on how you can survive it. There are some things we can not change, we're not going to suddenly lose hundreds of years of evolution whether it'd be better for us or not, so forget it if you can. It can lead you down a horrible path when you focus on what could have been and yet have zero chance of changing it. So look out how you deal with the situation you're in, rather than dreaming the situation was different. That's not meant in an offensive way - I'm just trying to help.

I probably need a lot more pushing to get back to a doctor/ therapist but at least you made me think. Ten years is worth a push, hell I'd take 10 days. Thanks.

Yup I have side effects from taking iron too - if I take prescription-strength iron I sleep all day, so once again I have investigated every possible form of iron there is. I now take an over the counter one which is a fraction of the dose and more expensive, but which I can tolerate. Get it investigated first, then experiment if necessary.

I've had some dreadful doctors and a few awful therapists too (quick examples of bad therapy:

1) the chronic pain therapist I was sent to because the hospital didn't have anyone else who told me that my depression was like having had a broken leg and still limping after it had healed, and I should just stop limping and get on with life.

2) the psychologist who was obsessed with me saying that I sometimes had a glass of wine (literally one) in the evening after a stressful day to calm down, and made it his mission to get me to admit that I had an alcohol problem, to the extent of ignoring anything else I wanted to talk about. He didn't see the irony in himself not being able to function in the morning without coffee.

3) the psychologist who was unable to rephrase anything from her CAT printouts and shouted at me if I didn't understand them. This one actually did a lot of harm and should be struck off).

I would say, though, that as with all professions there are good and bad practitioners and if you encounter a bad one, keep shopping around til you get a helpful result. I've also had some amazing and humbling experiences of care beyond professional remit. There is no reason to stay with a bad doctor. Ever.

It occurs to me that while writing this, I have given the impression that every time I got a knock back I got straight up and started fighting. Of course that's not true. This is the distillation of 25 years of experience. Every disappointment has felt crushing, and it has often been years between each new attempt. If I can help anyone on here take a shortcut through that, then it makes all that time feel less lost. 

This 'smart' thing both irritates and interests me. I've mentioned previously, I feel that knowledge can be a bit of a curse. Yes there is the side of it being linked to being boring but there is also the feeling that ignorance is bliss. Don't get me wrong, I'm not intelligent in the slightest! I can get by etc but I know a million people who are way more intelligent that me, I'm very average... maybe just a little lazy too! I have never studied/ revised for anything but seem to manage but I'm certainly not a top of the class, super intelligent type! Me and a former colleague (teaching) used to comment 'who are the stupid ones?' the undereducated teen parents who are given all they need on benefits whilst seeing their friends and taking all kinds of illegal substances or us, working hard for no reason, little gratitude and a public perception that we're lazy?! Not a simple answer when kids are talking of their PS4s and how they're going to Disney World etc when you're struggling to pay for your student fees and afford the up coming MOT!! Ah, little rant unrelated to anything there!!

I have managed to push everyone away too, there is no-one but my GF and immediate family, but considering I come from a large family I can see that reducing too. I already don't speak to over half my siblings and finding the others increasingly hard work. My nephews used to be a highlight but they are growing up and no longer need the 'fun' (I could manage that around them!) uncle. I can see me losing contact with them all when my parents are no longer around as the 'glue'.

Having a son, whatever you feel, makes you incredibly useful and not a burden - at least not yet if I'm honest. You clearly love him so you are there for him and you're not doing anything to burden him, you don't make him pay your bills or pick you up from anywhere or try to make you feel happy. If you think about it, I bet it's quite a one way street as regards emotions like it is with most children/ parents. Even now, I think my parents help/listen to me more than I do them as that is their 'role' and they would have done the same with their grandparents. As long as you're not emotionally offloading on to him, despite how frequently you see him or directly impact on his life, I'd say it's impossible for you to be a burden on him. And to prove that isn't just a nice fluffy comment, I'll be honest and say that doesn't mean you are a great influence either; another words whilst you can't be a burden on him, how much help you are to him IS an avenue you can explore. Happily it is quite a nice one to think about; if you're only 10% a good mother to him now that's still a positive amount! And it means you're working form a positive to a positive if you want to have more of an impact on his life. Does any of this make sense?! Oh, and just for the record, I'm NOT saying you're a bad mother!! I'm just saying you basically can't be a burden (a negative) but you can only be percentages of a positive. In a linked way though, reaching my mid thirties, I point blank refuse to be a father as I feel I have nothing to offer a child and wouldn't make a good dad at any stage of their life. However, depsite that, I know I couldn't be a burden to any child. I can be a burden to my peers and my family who feel they should look after me and you may feel that too but I can basically guarantee your child doesn't see you as a burden and wouldn't be better off without you. Even kids who hate their parents would rarely be better off without them. I'm going to keep going on this one....! Write down HOW your child would be better off without you, I almost like the argument in that I can't think of a way even if I was trying to argue for arguing's sake!! When it comes to my gf I think she'd be better off financially (your son doesn't pay for you) that she could find a better partner (your son can't get a better mum - he's 'stuck' with you!) that she shouldn't have to put up with my crap (I doubt you share this stuff with your child) and I'm holding her back (it's impossible to hold a child back - even if you want to!!). Seriously, overstating my point but you are NOT a burden to your son and he would NOT be better off without you. If you don't feel like you're doing enough then that's another issue but it's a good one to focus on as anything you add to what you currently do is only adding positives on to positives. With kids you can only go from neutral to positive so just keep thinking of how to add more weight to the positive side if it bothers you.

I still greatly doubt things stem from my childhood. I had a fairly standard upbringing (although middle child syndrome?!) but the rest of my family are quite confident and loud. Half of them went super successful and the other half went off the rails and had families and struggled financially. Although a bit of a sweeping statement, both sides are happy with the choices they made to end up where they are. I went along the 'successful' route but ended up in the struggling financially destination. I did all the 'right' things but got nothing out of it. I ended up in the same place as they ones who did the 'wrong' things but without the fun, the family, the large social circles that come with those decisions! You're right about me caring too much - I recognise this and not in a martyr kind of way, but in a 'why do I care what a random stranger thinks of me but I really really do, kind of way. But that's also tied to self worth to some degree, someone else always deserves it more than me so I'll give anyone anything as I don't deserve it. I can work for hours on someone else's CV or train them to get a job they're probably not qualified for because they're nice people but I'll pay only lip service to anything that may benefit me. This isn't helpful in work as it's largely about self-promotion and 'look at me' rather than any actual qualities you may bring to the table.

The idea of depression being there is the worst thought I can have. If it's unfixable then I really don't want to continue. Would you keep a car with a broken engine? You try to fix it, but if all avenues have failed the you send it to scrap. I'm a write-off at the moment!

I'm going to jump down your message a little (I read and read again as I write) and say even though you were joking, you got the paranoid side of me out when you said it 'wasn't you' in regards to a guy you knew - the only way this works for me is knowing that no-one knows me and no-one I know reads this!! So, being slightly paranoid, I looked at a few other posts you'd written in different threads. The reason I'm mentioning this is, to get off the boring topic of me for a bit, is that I don't think you give yourself enough credit for both what you've had happen to you or how you have dealt with it. Returning to where I was in your message, I don't think your issues have appeared from nowhere at all and you have valid reasons for feeling the way you do. You also recognise that you are worth more than some people demand. It is not wrong to make mistakes, it's wrong to not recognise them as mistakes (even if you make them a million times again!!). I'm no expert at all, but at the 'start' maybe you didn't give yourself enough leeway/slack and that's what kicked off the rest of the stuff - you probabaly were depressed at the start but just didn't think it was important enough to get depressed over!

I recognise that everyone is different and a minor set back for one can be a significant mountain for another. I agree completely with you, pain is pain and circumstance and history do not dictate what should hurt and what shouldn't. We should all try to accept we can't change the past so there is no point thinking about it really, where's the benefit in it? So we should plan a route to the future. You don't need to be happy now, you just need to plan a route to where you might be happy in the future. We'll stumble and fall along the way but I believe that if you can plan that route to where you want to be then there is always enough hope to carry on and be happy it small successes even if you never get exactly to where you want to be. The issue I have is I can no longer see a destination or route that will achieve those goals.

You come across smarter than you think. You recognise a few issues that have resulted in you being where you are and if you can plan a route to where you want to be then maybe there is hope for you. I've beaten you in to submission by telling you it's impossible for you to be a burden to your son and hope you seek the support you need from the places you need it.

I didn't feel like you were belittling my pain at all, far better to just write as you feel rather than try to pussyfoot around tricky subjects. I'll probably end up pushing my gf away, I always do but you're 100% right in that she is special - but that in itself makes it less likely that I can persevere as it means she deserves far more than I am capable off.

You can't leave your son, even if you do you're never actually gone so it's kind of pointless. You'll always be his mum. You can't be an ex-mum! Once he arrived, that's it. So, again recognising I have no education on the matter, I'd recommend you forget thinking you can be a burden to him (as you can't) and think about how you can add to his life. Even the best mums in the world COULD do more, so if you're going to sacrifice everything for him then you can do that positively. in a ridiculous scenario you could devote your whole life to him, every penny you have goes to him, every minute he's available you're there for him. If you want to give up your life, then just give it to him instead! On a more serious note though, if you take this line of thinking on board, you may find there are secondary benefits - say you can pick him up from school x number of days a week, you get to know a few other mums who are standing by themselves waiting for their kid (ignore the bitchy gaggle of parents that are present in every class group!!) and that begins to widen your social group. Take him to a club once a week (football, athletics, cinema - whatever you have around you) and again you may find a few like minded souls. You may find instead of feeling like a burden to him you feel like you are enriching his life even a little. And from my point of view, you may sudddenly find he's started enriching yours from a direct point of view but also from the secondary ones noted above. Your son gives YOU a reason to fight; you can help each other.

So to try to respond to your comments I'll summarise it as 'fair point' and 'I don't know' and 'it's complicated'!

Your comments are certainly fair in there sometimes seems no continuity in my thought processes or actions; I shy away from people but answer everyone on here, I struggle to see worth in myself yet see the hope in others, I have no fight in my own life but urge others to fight in theirs. Why this is I'm not sure. I completely agree with you though - no-one else feels totally like you do, you (and I) are unique in our being and whilst similarities may be strong, we are bound to deviate in places and have different triggers, wishes, desires and flaws that need facing in a unique way.

So what am I looking for? Good question. I don't know. Not to feel like I do? Not to cry sometimes for no reason? To feel hope for the future? To forget the pains of the past more readily? To feel useful? All of these and a million more things to different degrees of importance. Maybe knowing what I'm looking for would even be enough. It's a very good question but I don't know the answer.

So finally, why do I respond on here? Complicated. Again, there is no one right answer. Fundamentally I feel a strong compulsion to reply to every message, like it's polite to. Then there is the element where it makes me feel better to feel useful (advice). There's also the human part of me that craves interaction, having no friends and being home alone for long hours. Maybe part of me (certainly at the begining) that was hoping for the 'magic wand' to make myself feel better. Some of it is boredom, some of it is helping others and some of it is helping me. Why do I find it easier to chat on here? Simple; you don't know me, it's the most honest I can be. I don't even picture what the person I'm writing to looks like. Weirdly, I'm acting the most human I ever do when I treat those I am communicating with as if they are a simple computer. I'm just reading text and replying to text, it's almost as if there isn't another person reading it. That probably makes little sense.

So to try and answer you, and maybe help you as you suggested, the answer is I don't know! Do you know what would make you happier? You must have some hope or wish for a better mental health if you're on these boards at all.

I think, for both of us, the reasons and the solutions will be highly personal and yet relatable with many but not 'one'. Maybe that's why I reply to everyone; I don't expect anyone to be a replica of me but I see an element of them in myself. Some more strongly than others. So by identifying and helping an individual, I perhaps help a small part of myself.

Unfortunately, and I recognise the stupidity, I am the epitomy of 'do as I say, not as I do'! So whilst I recognise the right mindset, the right choices and the right attitude, I still struggle to see it in myself. Who know's, may be were both a little 'happy' being grumpy?! I do say this without any sense of drama at all, but I genuinely hate myself, my way of thinking, my cynicism and my pessimistic nature. I wish I was the chilled, confident, positive and believed in something person I want to be but feel I've reached a point of no return. Almost like I now know too much to be happy. I've said it before, ignorance is bliss but I can now not escape my feelings and knowledge of the future to be happy.

Finally (actual finally!) the person who writes on here is nothing like the person you'd meet in person. I'm not chatty, I won't offer advice, I wouldn't mention there was a problem and I would share feelings. Whilst many use the internet to portray the person they want to be (edited), I use it to feel free enough to just release and save the edited version for the increasingly limited interaction I do have.

You've given very little information but if you believe you've got everything you wanted and achieved everthing you wished then it points to a chemical imbalance. Have you sought medical advice?

Alternatively, your problems may stem from something hidden so deep inside you (as you can't recognise it) that you'll need some therapy to unlock the issue.

My problem is me as a person, but you seem to indicate yours might be more just a feeling/ unsettledness that you can't pin down. To give you some hope, I believe if you can find the cause of the issue you may be able to begin to solve it.