I need help, becoming suicidal

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Hi! I want to tell you what Im going through and how it affect my life in hope I will finaly get some even a little help. I have really bad guilt and fear thoughts for past two years or more and cant focus or concentrate on anything... even when Im in some very special and important moment, those, they say "irrational" thoughts, go my way.. I can be very depressed and feel like everyone dont like me because Im "evil" and become so paranoid... but there are moments when Im so hyperactive and in perfect mood and even cant stop but talking... and feeling like best person in world.. i cant say im very happy then - because I dont think i will ever be and never get rid of guilty thinking but soo much better. And when I feel guilty thoughts I become thinking Im evil and worthless and even sometimes that I need to die.. i tried to kill myself once. I call it "Guilt moments" because it starts out if nowhere! Like obsessions that change whole me. I become different person. Everybody says that Im very strange because of my "mood swings" and "from high self confidence and hyperactivity i become depressed and paranoid" and I cry like every day... I just cant get rid of guilt for something i havent done! Like my brain dont recognize it.. I went to psychiatrust two or three times and he took me on Zoloft.. but I stopped coming so he hadnt heard my true thinking and feelings... I decided to stop because I felt in one moment after taking me on medication, I finally get rid of guilt.. but I hadnt.. I even started becoming worst. When I do things that relax me I feel extremly strange and guilty.. I have never relax or feel happy. I just cant understand myself anymore. I dont know whats wrong and who am I. Am I on wrong medication? I need good advice, please help me. Thank you!

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  • Posted

    Hi Emma you sound exactly like me .. I believe those evil feelings are anxiety they never seem to go away altogether but meds do help.. I went my years without taking the help & propa meds bcause I hated myself so much I just wanted to die. Iv only excepted help 3yrs ago in which I was diagnosed & medicated for the condition. I started with quetiapine for my moods & sertraline for the severe depression. . The quiatiapine worked wonders at 1st bt put piles of weight on me which made me more depressed I didn't think the sertraline did much at all couldn't stop yawning but stayed on that for 2yrs I'm on lithium & venlafaxine now. Lithium probably a year venlafaxine about 2 months going up on dose every few weeks until it suits .. my advice to you is go bk to your gp .. tell how you feel how long it's gone on.. they will refer you to a phyciatrist for evaluations & hopefully will give you the correct meds ..don't festor because believe me it's the worst thing you can do. I regret that so much.. its caused so much damage to me mentally. . X.

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  • Posted

    what do you feel guilty about emma?
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    • Posted

      Well, its hard to describe. There isnt anything I have done to feel guilty about, but i "feel" like i have done something evil that i cant ever forgive myself.. i feel like everyone hate me for that. Someone told me it reminds him of "False Ocd memories" but i dont know..i just cant get rid of negative thoughts

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    • Posted

      It's very bad anxiety Emma iv suffered for years.. I used to call it evil butterflys .. the right meds do help alot but doesn't get rid completely

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    • Posted

      what have you done that is so evil? I bet there is nothing to worry about. You need to do some CBT exercises to control your abnormal thinking.

      Moodgym.au does cbt exercises. Have a go.

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  • Posted

    I was exactly the same as you high's and lows did silly things drank alot of alchol was the life and soul of the party one minute then right down the next, I got into lots of debt thought about bankruptsy but would lose the house and I have 2 boys, I am now on medication which has helped Quiniapine at night so I sleep right through and Limotragine during the day 400mg the maximum amount, recently I have felt I am slipping back to my old ways so I have booked another appointment to see the pychiotrist think it to do with my dad being diagnosed with demensia but will let you know how I get on, take care

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  • Posted

    Hi emma.. I honestly do not see you as an evil person, just one who needs a little support & guidance.. Did your Dr explain why he prescribed you zoloft?  

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  • Posted

    Poor you Emma, All you describe could be me. I dont know, sorry that Im not being helpfull. But your description is EXACTLY me. im high now, high as a kite and trying to plan for my low which I know is coming soon. I have turned away friends and sachked my Phsychiatric team which meand I lose the Lithium.

    2 Years ago I had a bad low and drove to Mptorway and parked on dsliproad. i was intent on going under a lorry but just did not have the courage. I am bisexual which causes extra issues as I so hate my sexuality when low, internalised homophobia its called. But I believe that my sexuality is the cause of all my problems and I should not be so weak so as not to denounce it.I also planned to cut off my penis, and bought blades from ebay. I got towels ready and planned to ring 999 and then cut. I even worked out to do it on worksurface in kitchen (pretty unhygienic really, for when preparing food later) ha ha, hollow laugh.

    I was bum raped at 9 and 16, and Mum was manic depressive, so Ive got it all. I speak two languages, so am Bi lingual, Bi sexual and Bi polar. Do I get an extra badge please ?

    All I can advise is that we are here for each other. Only we can understand the horrors of lows and the ecstasy of a high and the contant yes/no  yes/no. My medical people certainly did not.  Did you know that 1.5% of population have bipolar and that suicide is at least 15 times higher than "normal" in bipolars. So come here and ewe will help each other to survive. I really want the T shirt, I AM BIPOLAR, so if you're listening Moderator, email me please and I will give you the address to send it to. Ha Ha, more hollow laughter, but I want to please you and make you happier.

    I'm crying now, what a pratt I am. Sorry.

    All my love and good wishes, Matish X

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    • Posted

      I really try and understand what your going through I am Bi-polar but straight but that means nothing these days, I been wanting to drive into a bus, lorry etc but still here there is help out there hopefully more in the future when people understand what we going through, you have been through alot more than most in your life and I can't imagine what your life is like but hang on in there you will come good hopefully like we all will,,,,,Suzanne

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    • Posted

      Hi marish.  Im really concerned about your meds (lithium) You need medication champ.   PLEASE see your GP or someone who will prescribe you your meds, its so important ok.  Its so bad when you go cold turkey & I would hate to see you suffer because of it.  You are right about saying we are here to help & support each other xx

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    • Posted

      Thank you so much Sfarrell38. Im high as a kite still, so eally happy. About to order a swetshirt with logo, I am Bipolar   It's Awesome

      I wnder how long I will get to wear it ??? Thanks again for you kindness.

      Marish X

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    • Posted

      How come youre still driving with Bipolar ???

      I will not hold it against you as you are straigh Ha Ha even drier humour

      I know exactly what youre saying but wont talk about thoughts and pland on here as mods would report me and terrified of ection. theres NO WAY that they will lock me up for doing nothing wrong. they have thretened once and hinted the second time, thats partly whuy I am dumping them totally.

      Thanks for your kindness,

      Marish X ManHug

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    • Posted

      i Deb, Tanks for you post and concer. You are very kind.

      I have no choice bt to stopseeing them. They have tried once and hinted stronly a second time about section. and theres no way, absolutely 100 per cent NO. There are other issues too, only really bothered about me when Im high, worries in case I axe murder 5 innocents, they get all the flak then, why didnt you do something ? Thy are just looking out for their own interests andcovering their backs. I will still get anti depessants from GP, but no Lithium and only started it very recently. A) They havent a cluewhat lithium does r how it works. It work on some, but not on others.

      B) If Lithium is such a wonder drug, why in Gods name did they not give it to me 8/8 ontha ago when I was in HELL, with a low ? Couldnt work, wanted badly to die, really despised (undertatement) myself, crying. sleeping, I guess yoou know. But they dont, you cannot understand unless you have been there.

      If they can find me a Gay, Biporar psyciatrist, I would love to see him. But I guess he would only work some months of every year.

      Thanks again, Its so greart to talk and hear and think from a fresh view point.

      Love

      Marish X

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    • Posted

      Ps oh and to anyone concerned about the axe thing, i do not have an axe and certainle do not wish to buy one, as then I would have to buy four. Sure that you understand. And i have absolutely no use for four axes. Cut throat razozr may come in handy mind. Go t go, ebay calling. Xxxx marish
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    • Posted

      Hi marish.. again, so sorry for the hell you have been through & NO you should not have been dropped like a hot poker.. Its hell for sure riding above the highs & preparing for the doom lows.  Im hoping your GP is swithched on & gets things moving in the right direction for you.  Some of the psych teams are text book scholars & have not lived with a bipolar illness.. dreaded curse eh.. At least now you have this site to find some help & support when you are having those flat times or just want to vent how you are feeling.  Big hugs to you marish.  Admire you for having the guts to speak out as it is.  We arnt here to judge no one.  Love lots xx

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    • Posted

      Hey Marish.

      I just want to interrupt the discussion to find out where you are getting your I AM BIPOLAR shirt from??

      Regards

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