I've signs that i'm dying!

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I have major health anxiety which then turn into depression as well. My mother passed away from breast cancer in less than a year recently and i was her caregiver back then. It wasn't an easy job. I watched how she passed away, looking at those signs she gave and i've got those.

For example, ear shape changes for those who are about to die. I couldn't stop googling all these signs which i know is bad because they're only scaring me but i couldn't help it. One of those signs is change of ear shape, which is happening to mine.

I got really scared that i'm dying. And i cannot stop googling about death. I've got sooo many things to do yet the only thing i'm doing right now is googling more about death and i'm always lying on my bed.

For each of the changes happening in my body, i'll google it. Pale hands, nose shape changes etc. The mirror is my no. 1 enemy. I can look at them and find something different with me & i'll tell myself "I'm dying!"

I went to the doctor's last 2 days and told him that i've got swollen cheek and ear pain on my left side of the ear (which now cause the change of my ear shape) and he told me he couldn't find any infection and told me there's nothing wrong.

Honestly, i don't know what's wrong with me. Is it true death is happening or my mild depression is back and is getting worst? (i have been trying to find a job for more than 6 months and it doesn't help that people around me are kinda pressurizing me)

I don't know what to do and i can only pray that i'll be fine and overcome this health anxiety. It's killing me especially when no one around you understands what's gg in your mind )':

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  • Posted

    Dear Girl,

    You've been through a hard time and now you're depressed and super-anxious. Go back to the doctor and tell her/him about the fears you're having. You need grief counselling.

    You're not dying. The doctor told you. But you're suffering badly and that can be helped, my love.                                                                 xx Tess

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  • Posted

    when you are in grief depression anxiety our minds go into overdrive my love you always have an impending sense of doom and when you are able to look back rationally you will see where the triggers are but you cant at the time . The very first thing you need to do is ban your self from google That site is one of my pet hates because it actually does what you are going through, it puts the fear of god into you,listen to tess she is right and see if there is anything they can give you even just short term to help you through this awful time you are going through I would say at least ninety five per cent of people who suffer any of these conditions will have gone through what you have at some point during the "crisis period" pleas see your gp as soon as possible so you can get the help. I hope you can find your peace 

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  • Posted

    You're not dying, you're in a state of grief. My mom had cancer, and I too was her caregiver, advocate, housekeeper, went to every appointment, every radiation & chemo treatment, etc. I own a duplex, and she lived downstairs from me, so her journey became our journey. The cancer she was being treated for was cured, but nobody knew it had spread to her heart. From original diagnosis to death was about 6 months. During that journey, I was everything but rarely took the time to be a daughter, if that makes any sense. Everything else is top priority during the journey. After she passed, I finally got to feel like a daughter that has just lost her mom, and the little girl in me desperately wanted her back. It's as if reality of it all, and suppressed emotions came flooding out. My anxiety got really bad, and the depression hit harder than it ever has. It's been a year now, and I'm still not out of that rut. Grief can do a lot of things, and certainly make anxiety worse. Googling everything that pops in your mind makes anxiety much worse. Put that aside for now so you can heal your heart.

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    • Posted

      Thanks so much. It's been a rough time since December of 2014. My mom lived the same house as me for 18 years. Before that we both rented in a different duplex, but then she moved, but only 4 houses away. My daughter is 23, and has had "Nana" around her whole life, so now everything is different. I plan on moving downstairs, but it's still hard to be down there without her there. I walk in and can still smell her, and smell mom's house. My brother and sister didn't help with anything with my mom, they only visited twice at most. I could be angry about that, but instead I'm just really glad that I have those special memories of the journey. That was such a precious time, and I'm honored to have mothered my mom the way she mothered me.

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    • Posted

      I nursed both my in-laws and my Mom , all had cancer,  then lost my Dad all within the space of 2 and a half years...You speak of it being a journey. How true! We walk every step of the way with them, the love we shared giving us the strength to stumble along.

      I have placed that journey in a  safe place of my mind where I don't think about it but instead concentrate upon the good and happy years, the many, many years that I can look back upon without pain, without anguish but with a smile and a glad heart.

       

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    • Posted

      i was not able to be with mom when she died, but one of te sisters was. She was 25 miles away and i was 2500. However, i had been able to spend almost a month with her before the decline, and that's what I take out to look at...that quality time with just the two of us. I have always been so very grateful that I was able to make that trip and that time.

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    • Posted

      I haven't quite reached the point where I can put away the memory of the journey. Although end wasn't expected, which made things hard, the journey is full of great memories. There was a lot of humor, although our sense of humor is twisted. There was also so much strength, and I was so proud of her. She worked in the medical field for over 40 years, and raised 3 kids alone, so she was used to taking care of others. It took tremendous strength for her to let others take care of her. There's a song that came out years ago, and it made me think of my mom from the moment I first heard it. It's by Dolly Parton, and it's called Eagle When She Flies. I used that song for an online memorial, because I can't think of any others that described her so well.

      I'm still in stuck in grief, and even remembering good times leaves me absolutely gutted. Any little thing will tends to make me break. A while after her death, I would shoot up from a sound sleep, heart racing, and gasping for air. I'd compare it to swimming underwater for longer than you should, and when you come up for air, you take a huge breath. The dreams or images were so real, and not always nice. Some of that has finally past, thankfully, but it's hard. ?

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    • Posted

      Grief is another kind of jouney. But that one we travel alone. Nothing anyone says, nothing anyone does, makes the road less stoney and painful to walk along.

      Memories pop into the head and the sorrow washes over us again. It's something we sadly have to go through.

      Time heals. That's so true. How long it takes depends upon our individual ability to come to terms with our loss.

      You will reach that safe place, I promise, the safe place where you can look back with gladness. It is a place I never thought I would reach. After all I experienced with my in-laws, my Mom and then losing my Dad, my fortitude deserted me and I fell apart. I was so tired and drained and unhappy that I had a nervouse breakdown.

      So if I, who is not a particularly brave soul, can reach that safe place then so can anyone.

      So can you. And you will !

       

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    • Posted

      That's pretty much what happened to me a few months ago, a complete breakdown. Granted being sick didn't help, but I felt like I was in the bowels of hell. My husband and daughter would take turns staying with me, and that caused them to miss a lot of work. Fortunately, both companies knew of my physical illness, so they could take days off without repercussions. I've had depression and anxiety for many years, but have honestly never felt as bad as this last year, at least for the depression part of it. Anxiety has always been a pain, and it's amplified when I'm sick, so that part was nothing new.

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    • Posted

      Well it's little wonder you feel as you do. You are physically and emotionally drained dear.And it's difficult to feel grateful for what you do have, ie a loving husband and daughter, when you yourself are totally drained.

      You have to be kind to yourself now. Rest is vital.Not pushing yourself by telling yourself you should be "doing" something. But at the same time not caving in and sitting slumped in despair. Baby steps, little things day by day. Inertia is the enemy of anxiety/depression.When I was at my lowest point my appetite disappeared completely. If this is the case with you please try to nibble things because the body cannot function without fuel. I personally lost so much weight I was hospitalized and the nutritionist suggested health food drinks.

      There is light at the end of the tunnel. I know. I was in that bowels of hell. I never though I'd climb out of it honey. But little by little a chink of light appears until once again the sun is shining.

      I send you much love

      Helen xx

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    • Posted

      Awww, thanks so much! I stopped Zoloft 5 years ago, which may have been a mistake, but have xanax to take as needed. Unfortunately, my smoking has increased tremendously, which certainly doesn't help.

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    • Posted

      I used to smoke like a chimney sad Nothing nor no one could get me to stop.Then I bought an atomizer ecig. That was 4 years ago and I haven't smoked since!

      Smoking is an appetite supressant. I love my food now! Man, it tastes so good. I'm a lean mean ole machine but managed to gain about 20 pounds to a healthy weight so I look and feel better and don't wheeze like an old pair of bellows on overtime.

      I take sertraline 50mg( I  think that's zoloft) and won't stop. You'd have to lop off my arm to take them away from me. I don't do unnecessary suffering and take what help I can get!

      Big hugs coming your way

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    • Posted

      I considered the ecig, but now there's so many warnings out about them. Some are as bad as cigarettes, and others have exploded. I doubt that could be said for all of them though. I know I should quit because it causes so many problems, especially when I smoke a lot, but I still enjoy smoking. That's what really makes it hard to quit. My mom got cancer on her epiglottis, and here I am, puffing away.

      Yep, sertaline is the generic for Zoloft. Generic meds are used a lot here because of the price decrease. When I first started sertaline I didn't notice any side effects, because I was really bad off. Plus there was no computer in the home to Google everything. Now that I'm considering going back on them, I'm actually scared to start because of the side effects. It's a vicious circle.

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    • Posted

      I must admit I had nasty side effects for about a month but I'm glad I stuck it out because gradually things started getting better and better.

      Ecigs, I don't mean those that look like a cigarette. I bought a Curve2 battery one ( it has a glass atomizer ) from Totally Wicked. Best thing I ever did. They are sealed so no spills nor instances of them exploding. Unfortunately there are those that jump on the bandwagon and produce cheap replica products with no thought for health and safety.

      Believe me, I LOVED smoking but I'll take my chances with my Curve2. It speaks volumes that I look better, feel better, breathe better and eat better.

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