I want my old life back.

Posted , 6 users are following.

I did, but I don't any more and this is why:

My psychologist at the ME clinic told me, when I said I wanted my old life back, that it was my old life that made me ill in the first place because of all the chronic stress and trauma, and it would do me no good to have it back. What I needed to work towards was a new life based on what I had learned , that did not have all the negative factors to make me ill.

I am trying and sometimes it is working, but the old habits and ways of thinking are very difficult to break. I had an appointment for follow up recently but had to put it on hold because I did not feel physically or mentally well enough to deal with the fall out from it.

During my sessions with her we identified and picked off lots of little issues that were like surface weeds that clogged up my life and my thinking, thought patterns and habits that I had taken on board throughout my childhood and youth. Eventually we identified a root underground that had been there for so long it was deeply entrenched and very difficult to dig up. This root has me running scared and I really believe that until I can deal with it I will not get properly better. Mind over matter is like weedkiller - it is not strong enough. It needs to be traced to its source and dug out.

This is all poison from my old life and therefore it would do me no good at all to have my old life back, but yet I still tend to cling onto it because it is familiar. The unknown is scary.

I realise this is heavy for a Sunday morning, but I think this concept needs to be explored because we all think we want our old lives back.

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16 Replies

  • Posted

    it does make a lot of sense alicia. i really hope my referral comes through soon and i can speak to someone in the know, too. think it would really help me right now.


    Trees x

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  • Posted

    i've been thinking a bit more about this topic, and i think it's more my body rather than my old life that i want back. i want my body how it used to be. sad

    i would be prepared to live my life differently if only i could feel well again. all i want is to be able to get through a day at work, go out maybe once at the weekend, :diva: have the odd drink, :guinness: the occasional clubbing night :cheers: .

    i'd even give up jogging and intensive swimming, and just do gentle swimming and yoga. and i'd be so careful to get enough sleep, and not burn the candle at both ends, and not get so stressed anymore. i have learnt so many lessons, if only i can have the chance to apply them!

    Trees x

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  • Posted

    Yes, that certainly does make a lot of sense Alicia, and the way you described it was brilliant.

    Certainly my first bout of ME was due to a very dysfunctional and stressful few years and I can see the reason for it happening and would definitly not want to return to my old life then.

    But once I had recovered, I then went on to have the happiest twenty plus years of my life (apart from a slight blip with a horrible teenager :evil: ). I had a very happy marriage, loved my job, fantastic social life, lovely home, no financial worries, and boundless energy.

    I would just love to have all that back again :wah: :wah: :wah:

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  • Posted

    I know exactly what you are saying Alicia. It makes perfect sence what you are saying, it is exactly what I have been told by my doctor the same thing. It's hard to go forward into the unknow but we all know that is what is needed. :?
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  • Posted

    Trees, I think we must have been tapping away our last posts at the same time :D

    I really do feel for you and just hope that your referral comes through very soon. It really worries me to think of you being cold, poorly and miserable.

    It's such a horribly isolating illness .... as I've said so many times before, thank goodness we have this secret place when we can just pop in and talk with others who really understand.

    I do wish there was more I could do to help you sad

    So I'll begin by giving you a big :hug: for starters.

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  • Posted

    You're so right Alicia, :roll: it was my old life that made me ill and now that i was starting to feel human again that old life has raised it's ugly head again :evil:

    I was at a dance last night and danced alot, boy am i suffering today. :grrr: not with a hangover :hangover: i hasten to add but my body aches, mind you I stood for 3 hours solid ironing today and cleaned the bathroom. :weird: I'm absolutely shattered.

    Still having a stressful time with my daughter, i was actually scared to go out lasrt night and leave her, she was off the wall :puff:

    She's calm today, gone out dancing tonight, so guess who won't sleep tonight and i have work tomorrow too. :roll:

    Stress definitely doesn't agree with this illness. :roll:

    Sorry gone off topic :oops:

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  • Posted

    Don't worry Teedie .... we are allowed to go off topic on this fab forum :D

    One of the few perks of having ME :roll:

    Teenage daughters are VERY stressful :? .... but I promise you, they really DO resolve themselves in the end ....... just be there for her, bite your tongue and go with the flow ..... Not easy, but it's the only way ...... and in a few year's time you will be giving others the same advice ... I promise :roll:

    Hope you manage to get some decent sleep, and that work goes okay.

    Katie xx :hug:

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  • Posted

    I totally endorse what Katie says. there was a time that there was not one of our internal doors that did not have a hole in that that Adam had kicked through, my marriage nearly broke up and I was on the point of leaving home (seriously). He is now a father himself and we are reasonably good friends, he is 25 now. :roll:

    The reason we go off topic is because all these threads are really just little conversations aren't they, and what conversation remains stayed on just one topic, they flow at random, like our threads. :D

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  • Posted

    When I look back at the things that have happened to me it is no wonder I developed ME :wah: I have had 13yrs of relentless stress :evil:

    At the moment I am on a fairly even keel, I am trying hard to pace myself, I have a very cushy job and Ally, although she has her moments, is not too bad for a teenager :roll:

    My ex, who is the cause of most of my problems, does not know our address, phone numbers or car, so I am shielded from his efforts to bring me down. Though why he still persists after all this time is beyond me :twisted:

    Even the CSA seem to be getting their act together! :ok: Might even get some money in time for Xmas. :shock:

    I dont want that kind of life back at all! :doh:

    What I do want is to be able to be spontaneous :shock: The pacing is working fine but is very restrictive, however if I dont do it I am ill.

    I miss doing stuff on the spur of the moment :weird:

    l always have to stop and think where my energy levels are at, do I need to reserve my energy for later on in the week? If Ally wants to plan something I have to say I will see how I feel at the time or cancel something I had planned so I can have time with her.

    I cant cope with the unexpected loike when Ally broke her finger.

    I know I am better off than a lot of you but compared to how I was my quality of life has changed dramatically. :cry:

    Katie, it is good to hear you recovered once over :lol: Gives me hope

    Dale xxx

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  • Posted

    katie, that's really nice of you. :D

    to put your mind a bit more at ease i should probably say that the heating issue is getting sorted out, slowly! i had a big talk with our electricity company and we think its the boiler thats been expensive, and we now know how to use the storage heaters. so now we have heating, but no hot water! :roll:

    also we have a new housemate. the difficult one is still here but after our big row the other week we are both trying really hard and are being extra nice to each other. fingers crossed it lasts. so things are not quite as stressful as they were. :roll:

    of course, ive still received no benefit and am living on a wing and a prayer but it should be this week so here's hoping... :roll:

    teedie, im sorry your daughter is having such a difficult time. i can really relate. my teenage years, like so many other peoples, were horrendous. :x

    has she been to a doctor or had some counselling? that time of life is so hard - at 21 i dropped out of my first uni, got really depressed, was having panic attacks and problems at home, and a few other things, and just didnt know what to do with myself. sad

    luckily i pulled myself together, went travelling, went to another uni, and got some professional help a bit later. nothing extreme, just a bit of therapy and some anti-deps when things were really tough. ironically this last couple of years or so ive really stabilised, and along comes the CFS! great!

    hope i haven't splurged too much. :?

    Trees x

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  • Posted

    Of course not, I love these posts. this is where we get to know each other better, when we share ourselves. :D
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  • Posted

    You mean like when you share your bathtimes with James, Alicia :wink:

    'Splurged' ...... hey that's a great word Trees :D

    Will have to add that to my vocabulary :thepost:

    So pleased to hear that at least your heating is functioning :ok:

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  • Posted

    [quote:194a7aa07d=\"katie.k.\"]You mean like when you share your bathtimes with James, Alicia :wink:


    Oh yes, absolutely :lol:

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  • Posted

    Well I will tell you something, I amon doing a tour of the country visiting you all, so we can put together a broucher for out M.E retreat centre. Sorry Alicia I shouldhave made James leave with me. :lol:
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