I want my old life back.

I did, but I don't any more and this is why:

My psychologist at the ME clinic told me, when I said I wanted my old life back, that it was my old life that made me ill in the first place because of all the chronic stress and trauma, and it would do me no good to have it back. What I needed to work towards was a new life based on what I had learned , that did not have all the negative factors to make me ill.

I am trying and sometimes it is working, but the old habits and ways of thinking are very difficult to break. I had an appointment for follow up recently but had to put it on hold because I did not feel physically or mentally well enough to deal with the fall out from it.

During my sessions with her we identified and picked off lots of little issues that were like surface weeds that clogged up my life and my thinking, thought patterns and habits that I had taken on board throughout my childhood and youth. Eventually we identified a root underground that had been there for so long it was deeply entrenched and very difficult to dig up. This root has me running scared and I really believe that until I can deal with it I will not get properly better. Mind over matter is like weedkiller - it is not strong enough. It needs to be traced to its source and dug out.

This is all poison from my old life and therefore it would do me no good at all to have my old life back, but yet I still tend to cling onto it because it is familiar. The unknown is scary.

I realise this is heavy for a Sunday morning, but I think this concept needs to be explored because we all think we want our old lives back.

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