Im scared im losing myself. I know i am.

Posted , 4 users are following.

I feel like im losing myself, i used to be fun, wild and crazy. I would always walk round with a smile on my face. I started suffering depression in 2014 though my agressive ex boyfriend which is over now and has been for 2 years. Then missing my dad who lives in cornwall and is amazing, who had fall outs with my mam and arguemnts which made me more depressed. Then i stopped leaving the house and hid away, i just wanted to shut down and sometimes end my life. I just recently lost my grandad and its effected me badly. He was the apple of my eye, him and my nana had love no one would understand they were together 67 years. Now watching her deteriorate alone with bone cancer is so painful, she did everything for me, now i do everything for her. She was put into a care home and its really awful. I just feel like im losing everyone and myself and its crushing me 😞

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8 Replies

  • Posted

    Hey there Olivia

    Your story is heart beakimg and it understandable your feeling a little lost right now!

    There's nothing anyone can say that's going to make the suffering any less hurtful you've lost someone close to you and that you both admired and loved that's painful and greifing is an important process it takes longer for some so take your time I'm sure your grandad would much prefer you to think of the happy times you shared with each other and not be pondering on the thought that he's gone and upsetting yourself think of the funny moments the ones that make you chuckle or smile think about how you saw the love your grand parents had for each other and how that was displayedtake from it the warmth that was there.

    Then think about that warmth and want it yourself you had an abusive boyfriend that's not what anyone would want for you especially your grand parents you know I totally understand parents not getting on I have a daughter my self I know nothing about yet although I'm fighting for her the road is long and it's very early days I myself have to admit I've been guilty of malevolence toward my ex partner mainly it's angry the feeling of helplessness and the thought of being hurt by one you once loved and was meant to love you so yes I imagine the most hurt people are not those that are fighting but rather the children caught in the crossfire it's not a life I want for my child and therefore have gone through the correct channels to resolve the issues yes it'll take longer but then my child won't have to witness the anger

    I'm sorry your parents can't get on although I can tell you that it's nothing you've done at all so never think that.

    Sometimes we feel helpless when people like your nan are ill that's normal too you love her you want the best for her and wish you could do more but sometimes the truth is they are in better hands with the proffessionals that can respond with immediate effect and make her as comfortable as possible.

    Take it from me I've attempted suicide so many times once I succeeded its over rated you see

    ending your life is not a way of preventing it getting any worse it's away of eliminating any chance it ever going to get better

    Thinks do get better easier you find strength beyound your own expectations ironically I'm going to ask you to trust me when I don't trust a soul on the planet anymore lol funny how that works really things will get easier you will be ok you'll have all the things you dream of you just got to find those happy memories and make them work for you

    Thinking of you mike x

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    • Posted

      Wow i dont know what to say, your reply has made me smile, your a good helping hand thank you so much mike! It means alot im going to try my best to get though anything that comes my way. Never gove up yourself and never ever attempt anything agin you are an amazing human, put on this earth for a reason, you just helped a stranger and made her 100x better so please always do it for yourself. Thank you!! X
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    • Posted

      Hey anytime

      Everyone on this site is amazing including yourself and one day you'll be the one day I guarantee you will be the one making people feel better.

      In fact your story probably already has we see people read these stories and some people know what's wrong however are unable to express it

      They take inspiration from articulate people like yourself they follow with interest your story look for updates on them etc they want to see the strength and the fact it does become easier

      People can and do get through this that you experiencing now you can be true testimant to that and thereby you are unwittingly helping other find the strength to keep us posted on how you are feeling there will be tough times you will trip but we are all here to like runners in a race if you fall we will pick you up never be ashamed of it if you trip we will steady you you have friends here that understand you some that have been exactly where you are and want to get you back into the race

      Thinking of you

      Mike x

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  • Posted

    your still here which shows your stronger than you think you are,you have been through all you say you have and still havent given up ,well thats pritty strong to me,dont be so hard on yourself,you lost people you love you cant just switch that kinda thing off,take each day as a seperate day and keep fighting the fight as it gets easy,but you also never forget,stay strong and if you want to talk,message me smile
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    • Posted

      I will thank you this means so much to me, all this help from everyone is making me feel so much better about myself, love getting support and helping others it just feels like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Its amazing that people out there are the same or are listening to you, take care if yourself and thank you so much, i wilk gice u a message if i need you thanks its so much help, message me whenever too, thanks so much gary ❤
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  • Posted

    Hi olivis yr post really touched me. Bless yr heart. This bout of depression was bought on after my stepfathers death in sept from cancer, the hardest thing was to see him deteriorate & it brought up the memories id locked in a box watching my beautiful dad die from lung cancer when i was 8 yrs old. So i feel all youre going through. My aunt is suffering from breast cancer too i think how many more things are guna go wrong. But ive got to be positive for my daughter & im doing everything in my power to make it. I lost 2 beautiful men an amazing dad & a lovely stepdad but their memories ill cherish xxx please talk to us on here anytym and if its beyond wat u can cope with u shud c the dr hun. Good luck. Mandy ? xx

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    • Posted

      Wow thank you so much mandy, this has really brung tears to my eyes. Im so, so sorry about the loss of both your beautiful dads, they both meant to much to you and witnessing an evil disease take them away must have been so hard, your a very strong woman and you should be proud of that! Always stay stong, especially for you daughter like your doing anyways! I hope your aunt battles through it and wins it over! Cancer is a evil, cruel disease! Your daughter will be proud of you even if she doesnt say it or you dont think it, and one day she will tell you that and your going to keep fighting on stonger and stonger! I'll alwayd cherish my nana and grandad, i still picture them slow dancing to olivia newton john, memories will remain ? x

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