In love with an anxiety sufferer

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My fiancee suffers acute anxiety as a result of childhood mental abuse. When an issue arises it drags with it every preceding issue leading to a major problem. Not being as good as I could be I sometimes cause these issues by thoughtlessness etc. What is the best course of action for us both when these problems arise. I would be heartbroken to lose her.

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  • Posted

    Hi

    I totally get what your partner is going through as i have went through this myself and  the damage can rise its ugly head now and again depending on the trigger..

    It sounds like your partner at times is hypervigilant to a lot of what you say and do and that you are at times walking on eggshells trying not to upset her.. 

    The best way to describe why she does at times react like this is because she is either very stressed, frightened, she doesn't feel safe, loses trust, something has happened or been said to remind her of the abuse and she goes into fight or flight mode..

    She reacts so strongly to things that everyone wouldn't necessarily even let bother them is because she is terrified.. When you have been mentally abuse you feel you have no control over your life..And the slightest thing can trilgger this feeling..

    First of all the fact you are on here asking advice shows how much you care for her..She is very lucky to have you.

    I get the feeling things are magnifying for her at the minute because she is dealing with these issues and she is very vunerable having to open up about them.. By dealing with them she is having to relive them and that would magnify all those emotions eg fear, sadness, worthlessness, isolated,unloved,lonely and the list goes on..

    She has also put an awful lot of trust in you and would be constantly testing to you because she is frightened..

    You cannot blame yourself for saying the wrong thing at times and you sound like a lovely guy and very careing..

    Just being there for her, letting her talk, telling her you would never intentionally hurt her,how much you love her.. patience patience and more patience..

    it took years to cause this damage and from people who she should have been able to trust..Its not a quick fix and it takes a lot of courage to open the box and look at that amount of hurt and pain..You both are doing the best you can..

    Wish you both the best

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  • Posted

    Communication. Both of you need to understand how each other feels when she goes through an episode so you both can work on being considerate towards each other. It's also unrealistic to completely avoid all triggers for her and she needs to understand that as well. I am in a similar situation, I am the one who goes through episodes but my partner also has PTSD. It's tough when either of us goes through an episode, usually my anxiety is triggered when my partner goes through an episode of anger and I panic like he's going to hurt me because I did something wrong but he doesn't. We just have to constantly communicate and not make ourselves or each other out to be a victim or perpetrator and remember we don't do things to set the other off on purpose. It's tough, it can be an emotional rollercoaster but if you love each other and want it to work, you both will make it so.
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  • Posted

    Just be there,support her,have patience. Read about anxiety. Dont make her feel guilty if shes not up to doing something. I know its hard for you also but try to not show negative feelings to her. Give her a hug and above all tell her you love her. If she needs to talk listen. My husband doesnt understand anxiety so at times I feel like a failure and even a burden. No one knows what its like unless they them selves experiance it.
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  • Posted

    We had a big crisis over the weekend, spent the whole of Sunday talking and putting pieces back together today. All well again hopefully.
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