Is my husband having some sort of breakdown

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Hi all

I'm not one for airing my problem but I'm at my wits end and don't know what to do. Ive been with my husband for 17years and we have 2 children, he takes sertraline for depression and has been told he may have pts although that's not been diagnosed. We have a normal family life but every now and then he flies off the handle for the smallest things. Anyway on Monday early evening he just disappeared saying he was going for a smoke and that was that, he didn't take his phone so when he didn't return I had the police involved as I thought he had gone missing, he was found the next day at his sister's house (who we don't speak to ). He came home in a foul mood packed some belongings and said he was leaving us. I was taken by complete surprise, he went from saying his head was messed up and needed time, I've been probably texting him too much reassuring him how much we all love him to try and get him to come home so I can talk to him or get him to the doctors, but he just keeps saying he's not ready. Then this morning he txt me saying he doesn't love me anymore but has feelings for me still. This is a complete bolt out of the blue, I've been left feeling like I've been hit with a truck, and to be honest if it wasn't for my kids I'd want to die. I'm just posting my dirty laundry on here as I'm completely lost and wanted to see what other people make of this, he tells me everyday usually that he loves me. Is this now the end or is he having some sort of breakdown. I don't know whether I should try to lay off texting him reassuring how much we love him or leave him to dwell. I don't want him thinking I don't care I'm desperate to save my marriage but am I making things worse. I feel so degraded telling strangers this but that's how heartbroken I am😢😢😢. Thankyou

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  • Posted

    I'm sorry...  Not sure what's going on..  But I think it's important for him to know how much you support  and love him as well as the kids..  Maybe he needs some time to think and come to his senses to see a therapist.   I would be patient and try not to push too hard..  I would think he'll eventually come around. 

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    • Posted

      There's a marriage site that you may want to check out....  It's called 'talk about marriage'---  You may read about someone else's experience.  

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  • Posted

    Hi,

    Speaking as a man who has /is suffering from depression I feel qualified to answer your post. I fell out with the world big time when I had my breakdown.

    Until I got help with my gp I was very quick off the mark, eventually settling down with fluoxetine for my anxiety and depression. It does sound as though your partner has mental problems, nothing to be ashamed of, it is an illness. More than anyone else you fall out of love with those closest to you when really your beating yourself up inside.

    Hope this helps but only you can decide how much you put up with. Luckily for me my darling wife stood by me, but that won't work for everyone.

    Mike.

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    • Posted

      Thanks mike for the reply, im the one who is fighting to keep us together but he just won't talk to me or reply to my messages, he's staying with his mum and me and her don't talk so she's not going to help the situation. He sounds so mixed up he's been gone for a week now and if it is some type of breakdown how long will it be u ntill he comes to his senses. I'm beside by self. Is that how you felt when you said you fall out of love with the ones closest.

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  • Posted

    Hi,

    I felt, and still feel, a failure. My breakdown occurred after an accident at work led to my being unable to work any longer, taking early retirement making my wife the breadwinner for the first time in 41 years of marriage. Suddenly I felt empty, unnessassary and unimportant. This created a state of mind of resentment that I was not required anymore in her life or mine.

    Has your partner had a recent event in his life? Are you in any kind of financial problems. I only ask because depression normally has a trigger and that needs to be addressed before anything else can be sorted.

    Things are much better now that my brain is back in gear but it took time, best of luck,

    Mike.

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    • Posted

      Hi Mike

      Around 2 years ago he gave up work as I suffer with bad back problems and could no longer do many things around the home. I don't know what has triggered this but its impossible to help him when he's ignoring all contact. I don't know if I should now just not contact him and see what happens

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  • Posted

    Hi,

    Did he give up work to be your full time carer, and, if so are you claiming benefits for your disabilities? Or, has he tried to juggle household debts and fallen behind with mortgage or rent or/and council tax. He could feel trapped at home with financial problems building up and feeling unable to tell you. If all your finances are in order and you are debt clear then I can only suggest he may be going through a mid life crisis (yes, men get them too). I am happy to be of any further questions or encouragement, we all need help.

    Mike.

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  • Posted

    Hi I would love to know how this turned out for you I’m going through something very similar at the min and don’t know where to turn, tia
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  • Posted

    Firstly I am very sorry to hear about your really sad news and the terrible time you are having right now.  It seems like your husband is suffering too and it could well be that at the minute all he can see is his own problems.  I would give him a little time to settle and get his head together and just focus on the children and yourself for now.  Just send him a text saying you will leave him to have some time out but you are there if he wants to talk and that you still love him a great deal and will be there if he decides that he wants to work things out. 

    Don't feel degraded.  Sometimes it helps to talk about how you feel to people outside the box and it doesn't make you a bad person doing so.  Most of us have had hurt and pain at some stages in life and it is compassion to try and help someone when they are feeling down so definitely don't feel bad.

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    • Posted

      thanks for your reply, I am struggling I have to say he saying things like I love you but trying to make it work is too much pressure, you and the kids would be happier if I didn’t live here etc but 3 weeks later he’s still here, he said he’ll leave if I need/want him to but of course I don’t I love him unconditionally, I know when I give him space things get better but I’m hurting so much at the min I cry myself to sleep and break down after he has left for work in the morning it’s killing me but I have told him I will not break up our family if that’s what he wants he will have to do it himself I have also been in contact with his doctor who is going to call him in for a review (he has suffered from anxiety for years and takes medication during stressful times) I just don’t know how long I can hold on for b4 it does too much damage to me
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    • Posted

      It must be really hard for you but hang on in there.  The fact that he is still living with you is a start and an indicator that he wants to be there.  Hopefully the Dr will call him in soon and maybe have a chat to him about how he can be supported right now.  Also I would suggest you too get some support to make sure that you are looking after yourself too.  How are the kids doing?  Do they know what is going on?  Sometimes kids suffer too and know far more than we give them credit for.
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    • Posted

      We have a 13yo who has to realize something isn’t right the other two are 2 an just gone 4 so I don’t think they realize, 

      Yes he’s still at home still climbing into bed beside me sitting on the sofa watching movies with me at night, it’s so hard because 50% of thinks it’ll be fine and 50% of me is literally waiting for home to say right I’m moving out

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    • Posted

      Well it doesn't look like he has any intentions of moving out to me.  The fact that he is sitting with you watching movies and sleeping with you suggests to me that he is just taking out his frustrations on you and doesn't really want to go anywhere.  I would just wait for the GP to speak to him and see where you go from there.  Don't forget to look after you too!

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  • Posted

    Hi,

    I replied to your post 4 months ago and yet there seems that no progress has yet been set in motion.

    Your husband/partner should have got help from your gp then, and now it's 4 months further overdue.

    Sitting at home threatening to leave can only work for so long, I would say it's reached its end.

    You need to keep strong for yourself and children, he must decide what he really wants, now.

    Mike.

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