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Isolation - Loneliness - Agoraphobia

Posted , 14 users are following.

jen_essex
jen_essex

Due to illness and agoraphobia my 'so called' lifelong friends... gradually gave up on me, I guess I wasn't much of a friend if always unwell & unable to go shopping, out socialising etc??!!

8 years on, my health has been sorted, but I'm still agoraphobic & my kids are grown up & all but one left home...one works abroad, one away at uni, one married with kids etc..the one still at home works full time, has a boyfriend so is hardly home.I have no brothers/sisters, my parents are very old & could really do with my help...which really makes me sad I can't be there for them.

In desperation I phoned verywhere i could think for help, eventually I got sone, I have an Occupational therapist visit fortnightly, trying to help me get out.its been nearly a year & I can now walk round my block, lthough still not alone, my time with her runs out next month & there is no one I can be refered on to? I am so scared.

I wake at night with a dreadful feeling of emptiness & loneliness, i only sleep in 2 hour blocks, whn I finally get up in the morning, i dont know what to do as whatever i occupy myslef with my mind still is aware of being alone & having no one to talk to & share wife with. When I say to my kids(adults) how I miss them etc they tell me not to say it as it makes them feel bd leaving me...so i must stop.

Doc, suggests antidepressants etc...but that wont solve my problem of having no friends etc. I was always well liked & fitted in with all sorts of people but now I am completely alone...its horrible.

I sometimes want to end it all as is is no life, in these 4 walls with no one but the dog to talk to. I wont end it ll as first I am not barve enough & I couldnt do it to my parents, it would kill them too, & as a one parent family for many years- my kids have no father (he walked out 15 years & never kept in touch with them)- i couldnt leave them with out a parent.

I just need advice on how to find a friend, someone to share my everyday problems/stories/ etc with. I need help on getting out of this situation. How can i make friends when agaoraphobic...i cant join a group/club etc... who would want a frind that stays home? I feel in a vicsious cycle i cant get ouf of... can anyone help...I truly ahve not a soul in the world just my daughter who has her own busy life...and gets upset knowing I am like this herself & its so not fair for me to go on about how i feel.

Writng this i feel embarrassed I have no one & feel sick with this empty sad feeling.

All advice appreciated ..thankyou

Jen

2 likes, 16 replies

16 Replies

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  • jen_essex
    jen_essex

    Posted

    I have just read this though & have made a lot of mistakes in my typing... I do, know to spell but not so great t typing
    • Deanalex
      Deanalex jen_essex

      Posted

      You are not alone Jen, I am 27 and have very few friends. My school friends lost interest when I became anxious and reclusive and stayed at home a lot. Two years ago I tried volunteering and found everyone there friendly and non judgemental. When you feel comfortable to go out, try volunteering, you can leave anytime you want as its not like a paid job. You can miss it if your unwell or feel anxious. You may feel that you have nothing to offer people but you do, just because you dont go out much your not a bad person, you sound to me like you would be a good friend. Think about your interests and hobbies or create some. Even meet someone online, like here, someone who will understand your situation and perhaps just meet you for coffee for an hour or something to start with. You have a lot to offer people and I'm not just saying that! Raising children is something I will never get to do and a lot of people take it for granted but you have probably achieved one of the most noble purpose of all, Praise yourself for that. Once you feel comfortable to leave the house, either on tablets or gradually on your own, there are lots of safe places to meet friends. Im in the same situation and I know it seems impossible but it really isnt. 

      Do reply if you can :-)

      Dean-Bedfordshire

    • alex93708
      alex93708 jen_essex

      Posted

      I have agoraphobia no friends anymore been given so many mess don't know what day it is! Does anyone feel as alone as me?

       

    • Ashley025
      Ashley025 alex93708

      Posted

      Yeah I do. The thing is I've never even had friends. Well, only one for certain classes. Now I'm 24. Agoraphobia ruined my life. I wasted 7 years that I won't get back and it s**ks and hurts. But anyway hope you are better. I noticed you posted this 4 months ago.👍

  • Agnes72
    Agnes72

    Posted

    Hello Jen-essex.

    I also have a life like you,for many years I have fought and managed to get out again.

    The last episode was after my last Baby( he's five)

    Don't beat yourself up it's not your fault.

    I'm thinking of leaving my other half,I'm scared about claiming benefits on my own though

    Does the benefit office pay sick money to people like us? I've not handled any money for years, Hubby won't let me,and now I am to confused to.

  • Grete
    Grete

    Posted

    Hello Jen- Essex

    I have only just read your post.I do know the loneliness and helpless feeling that comes with having agoraphobia.In fact, although you know you are quite normal, you don't feel part of the world. Everything is going on outside and you are looking on. it's an awful feeling and it takes huge courage to get yourself out of this situation.

    You say that you have walked around the block - even though someone was with you - well that must be a good start.I hate to say this but no one can get you over agoraphobia. You are the only one that can do it.It has to be your effort and your aim to regain you life.It's a long, long and hard road but it can be done.

    Please try to take just a few steps outside your house alone. Even to the front gate or better still, to the corner of the street.Try to ask you helper to meet you on the corner. You will feel as though you are going to collapse, you may feel shaky and ill, but you will do it. Gradually you will be able to go a little further, until one marvellous day you will walk around the block on your own.Then give yourself a treat.

    My words are not idle. I have fought agoraphobia. From not being able to walk up the road - I am now able to go for a half hour walk - go into a shop - and recently even went on a short bus ride. It's taken a long time to achieve this. My doctor could only suggest counselling but you need someone who understands agoraphobia. Sadly, most people do not. So my message is - please keep trying - little by little you will go out again and make friends.

    Some people do understand how you are feeling.

  • kazgee
    kazgee

    Posted

    Hi jen, i have been a carer of a Agrophobic for years,due to illness about 8years of tonsilitis doctors would not take them out because they said it was to dangerous to do,anyway although over the years,and its just my take on things people with Arterial Fibrelation,the flap in your heart not quite working right can make your heart flutter giving same effect as having nervous episode,nerves take over when you step outside heart starts pumping more ,the flap goes in hyperdrive,blood doe'nt flow quite rigth,i believe there are thousands of people with same problems some worst than others,some just live with it but others ,Tony Blair ex preminister had same problem,but of course hes was done,, then back at work next day, may worth just having it checked they only put stethascope on you its not envasive but get it done by heart spelialist not GP, hope this helps a bit :D
  • kazgee
    kazgee

    Posted

    hi jen just realized if you have Agrophobia ,just getting to docs is going to be hard, try thinking of the things you can do, not what you can't,the onlyway i got my wife to doctors was borrow my friends small van backed rigth up to front door got her in covered with blanket and lay her down in the back but she was'nt going to docs(i did not tell her), she was taken to a Hypnotheraphist and what a journey that was(are we there !yet are we there yet! the doctors are not this far) but after seeing him she got back in the front to drive home still not cured but a lot better,an other thing with phobics they seem to count things alot like the flowers on wallpaper,also they are very clever, not like me smile :D
    • Ashley025
      Ashley025 kazgee

      Posted

      Good thing you did that sometimes others should push us and help us out of the situation. You're a good person.👍

  • nickym
    nickym jen_essex

    Posted

    Hi there. I came across your post and i understand exactly how you feel. I am in the same position. I feel just as you do. I would love to be able to email with you so we could have each other to talk to. We have so much in common with this problem. I would be happy to share my email with you if you want. Just let me know. I look forward to hearing from you.
  • bernadette52586
    bernadette52586 jen_essex

    Posted

    Hi Jen, have just come accross this by accident and glad i have. I know exactly how you feel, my friends vanished as they learnt of my Agoraphobia, 1 i still talk to on f/b and says she will come see me but never does. i have had it about 14yr now, have battle it at times and got so far and fallen back again. No one seems to understand as only the person going through it can, or tries to lol. I have 1 daughter and 1 son and 2 grandsons, they are the only ones i see which i am grateful for and love them to bits but they have there own lifes and dont like to bother them. I was 50 in jan there and was hoping to have something for it but couldnt. Anyway not goig to go on and on but if you want me e mail then just ask and keep in touch. i love to chat as you have probably noticed, Anyway take care Bx
  • jo18056
    jo18056 jen_essex

    Posted

    I am agoraphobic as well. It can be pretty lonely. It's unfortunate that most people do not understand this disorder.just know that you are not alone and try to find people who understand what you are going through. If you would like, you can email me any time that you want. I am lonely like you since right now I am housebound again. Good luck!
  • lisalisa67
    lisalisa67 jen_essex

    Posted

    You are not alone. I easily understand the lonliness and lack of human comfort you feel. Saying that..First bit of advice is you need to be your own friend first. If possible see if you can obtain an online therapist or counselor to be able to speak with a couple of times a week.they do exist. Being by yourself all the time can be a bit too much for anyone. Many people are hanging by a little thread pulling their own lives together and steer away from anyone who would produce stress or cant provide them with enjoyment or happiness. So, dont get stuck on making a friend right now in your life. I would suggest a kitten or a low maintance pet. dogs are great but they do require a lot of work and can produce a bit of stress at times. I have a dog but first year is challenging. Kittens and cats are more independent, i never had a cat but seems it would be easier.
  • Misschrys
    Misschrys jen_essex

    Posted

    Well, I typed "how to make new friends when trying to recover from agoraphobia" into google. This was the first thing to come up.

    It started when my physical health began to decline, which ramped up pre-existing mental health issues. I lost my job, was unable to continue my college education, even online, having one semester of student teaching left to get my degree, which I cannot physically complete.

    Everything went down the drain. Everything I ever worked for. I was unable to do anything but move from my bed to my couch in the morning to see my kids off to school, I'd be asleep on the couch (sleep disorder) when they came home, and my husband would move me back to the bed when he came home. This was the status of my life for two years, until I got meds straight enough to START getting better. Fact is though, my conditions, all of them, are permanent and some degenerative.

    "Come out and hang with us" that's what my friends said. And I would say "I can't". But, nobody wanted to actually hear or understand why. After about three years, I stopped trying to reach out. By this time, my mental health had severely degraded. Panic attacks, anxiety, and crap for self esteem. No one reached out to me. I was on Facebook and all the other stuff. I would post things now and then. How I felt type stuff. Still all I ever heard was "come out". But, no one. Not a single person. (And I don't have fb friends that I don't know. These were my REAL LIFE FRIENDS) ever said "hey, I'll come over and visit".

    One day, I got sick of it. I literally disappeared from the Internet. I didn't delete profiles or anything. I just stopped being there. No one noticed. Or mentioned that they did. From 2009 to 2015, I declined. In February of 2015, I had started to feel well enough physically to start doing things around the house. And I set out to use that reclaimed ability to push myself. Sometimes too much. Lol. I began spending hours at a time, researching how to help myself. And trying things. I have come to a point where I can take a Xanax, go into Walmart, quickly grab three things (three is my limit right now) and get out of there. The first time, I sat in my car in the parking lot for an hour and a half crying hysterically afterwards.

    My friends have moved on. Honestly, our lives are so different now. I have no interest in going to the bar, etc. but, in 7 years, my oldest child just left home, and my youngest is 9.

    Where do I turn? I'm ready to have a friend. Need one.

    I have to start somewhere. But, just walking next door to talk to my sons grandmother who I had never spoken to since I moved here in February of 2012, was terrifying. I ended up literally stuttering and was compelled to try to explain myself to this woman who was looking at me like I was kind of an alien, or the freaky neighbor (I wonder if all the neighbors talk about me!!! Omg. I just thought of that!) and I didn't feel comfortable around her the least little bit. I felt as if she was definitely judging me and she was looking me up and down like I was some strange creature that no one has ever seen before.

    So. I don't know how to find any friends. I hadalways been IN the world. So, I interacted with people and made friends. But, all the friends who drifted away, I don't think they ever really understood. Plus, they aren't really people that will "get" most of the stuff I would want to talk about. I'm sort of a much different person now. I need friends who can relate to me.

    And understand when I say "maybe we can meet for a coffee for an hour but be aware I might freak 10 minutes into it and have to take a Xanax and sit in my car for 15 minutes and then maybe we can continue our coffee".

    I really don't know what to do. And it sucks. Because it's not JUST the anxiety, it's also the physical sh*t, and not being comfortable doing things I used to (like go to bars or parties, or a job), I would love to become an "involved parent" at my daughters school. But. She's been with the same kids/parents for four years.

    They don't give me judgy looks. But, there are ALWAYS those soccer mom, uppity, cliques in the school environment. What am I supposed to do? Walk up to people in random places and say "hi. I'm ______. I have agoraphobia and I am trying to get better but I don't have any friends. Will you be my friend?"

    I guess finding your post at least means I'm not alone. Logically, I already knew that. But, you echoed how I feel. And I read all of the responses here.

    My husband is a great help and comfort. I can go almost anywhere as long as he is there. I often walk with my fingers tucked into his back pocket. Strange I guess. But, it's comforting. But, I spend from 6:45 to 5:45 every day. Alone. Except for my dogs. One of which is in training to be my service dog. She is a natural at it though. But, at least when people come home now, they "get" that I am talking to my dogs all day. It's a no-brainer that the dogs also know I'm a nut case. But, sadly, they don't have much response to give me on anything but "you need outside?" Lol.

    Anyway. That's MY story. Maybe it will help someone else, at the very least. As for me. Back to my google search. 😉

  • Fro
    Fro jen_essex

    Posted

    Hello,

    My name is Francine and I am agoraphobic... smile    (with extreme anxiety and no medication, was prescribed celexa, made me sick... called ambulance, ER psychiatrist prescribed Zoloft and sent me home. Went off of it on my own here, side effects unbearable). Here in Canada, healthcare is payed for. It's great if you cut yourself while chopping veggies or get hit by a car... but as for mental illness?  Hmmm... nope. 

    My doctor (for 30 years) retired 4 years ago. I was not referred to another doctor, so have been going from one to another, trying to get help. Was divorced at that time, moved from one place to another to stay close to my son (he lives with his Dad). During that time, moved back to my hometown to care for my mother, 4 months later she had a massive stroke and died.

    Now, when I see a doctor (in clinics, still on waiting list since last year for a gp), it looks weird to them since they ask me: Why did you see a doctor in such region, and are now asking me for help here?

    "Because this is where I'm living now and cannot go further than this clinic, I am agoraphobic!" 

    It took a lot of sweating and courage to go and seek help 10 minutes away from my little room, and I didn't get help, only questions.  It is horrible, it is a constant nightmare although posters everywhere say: Mental illness, we care... ask for help...  lah di dah

    Not only am I unable to leave my home (1 very small room with a bed and very small bathroom since last November) and have no support from friends (they do get bored with my topic of discussion... understandably, they have a life and seems they can't "relate" to my weirdness).  I have one friend left, but never see her as she is 4.5 hrs away (from my hometown, I now live in Montreal, Quebec, Canada.) and even if she was to visit me, I don't know if I would be able to open the door... it is embarrassing... where I live and how messy my life is, it's an endless vicious cycle).

    The major factor for me being alone with no support system is agoraphobia, of course...  The problem with seeking help for agoraphobia is: agoraphobia... LOL

    I hope I will make you feel better about your situation, as I do believe mine cannot be beaten.

    I live in a basement, one room with very very small bathroom, and I pretty much "live" on my bed. A single mattress, very small. Stove and fridge and counter take up most of the area... so I try to deal with the very small space (size=maybe 2x a convicted murderer's cell, yet I don't get the perks of going outside everyday, getting food prepared for me (with the basics of nutrition), socializing with others... I don't even have a routine! I fall asleep while watching TV and for very short times, 2 hrs is my sleep time to beat.

    I do not have any pets, although I always had a cat wherever I was living, but this room is too small and I cannot afford a kitten's needs (much less my own).

    It is what it is.

    Writing this has made me realize how bad it can get, and I'm right there.

    Hope it helped,

    Francine

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