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Endless google searches. Constant worry. Im going to die. I sit and worry over this and that, all my life. When i discover unusal moles and lump behind my ear I belive deep down its cancer. From my understanding my grandmother had melonma cancer. The deadlest form of skin cancer. I know im going to leave my family behind. This is my thoughts constantly beating down my mind and making me afraid with panic. I have an appointment with a dermatoligist on Thursday. Thats no soon enough. My thought process, very dramitic and vivid. When I die my family will be left alone and husband wont know how to raise our daughter. I feel thier broken hearts and i wouldnt say fantizse because its not a fantasy more of a visual nightmare I put myself through. Now there is a chance. Reasliticly that i might have cancer. But these thoughts were here long before any signs of my NEW fear began. I sit at night on my phone usuing the drug all hypocondraics have in their arsonal. Google. I look and read all types of things about cancer. search pictures and even look up the percentage rate of a cancer victim. I cant help doing this. Its almost like I feel comforted and afraid at the same time. Its an addiction to say the least. I hope to get reasurring results back from my doctor this month. However I know even if I do. The cycle will start again. Be it a car crash fear or another health scare. I am always alert and always afraid.
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