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Just cant seem to feel better!

Posted , 8 users are following.

bryan91285
bryan91285

Hi. This is my first time ever posting this on the web. I'm nervous and relucant to try but I feel that I have no choice. I am being treated for severe depression, which at first just meant that I was on medication and life seemed to be manageable and I'd go as far as saying that I was "Happy". I dont know when or how or what the trigger was but now I'm on two types of medication for my depression. No matter what happens, I just cant or dont feel happy any more. I have no passion or zest to get up every morning, I'd rather just stay in bed and disappear.

I'm married to the love of my life, have a beautiful step daughter. I'm employed which these days are getting harder to do, I'm good at what I do. My parents are healthy, my brother and his wife have a 3yr old boy.

Yet, I want to disappear. I feel insignificant, worthless and hopeless. I feel that if I died today no one would care. All of this I know isn't true, but at the same time I don't believe it. And now it's starting to effect my work. It started at first to just a day off, then 2. There are days at work that I feel that I'm in way over my head, that I have no idea what I'm doing or if I do know I have no idea where to start. Work so far has been understanding, my next step is to go to a counsellor. Which is covered under my benefits, yet I'm dragging my feet.  Just recently I have been off work due to problems with my stomach and not being able to go to the bathroom. I believe in my heart that 50% of this problem is because of my depression. I just called in to work again sick and I could hear the disgust / non caring attitude in their voice. I'm at risk of losing a job I love.

Can anyone help me before it's too late.

1 like, 22 replies

22 Replies

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  • celtics
    celtics bryan91285

    Posted

    Hi bryan sorry to see your having problems with depression its not easy but youve started the journey 
  • gillian20097
    gillian20097 bryan91285

    Posted

    Hello Bryan.

    All you are feeling..All the thoughts you are having are classic signs of depression. Hundreds will tell you the feel exactly the same.

    You have a lovely family who I know that you adore. When you are not suffering depression,they are your life. Depression overwhelms us. The thoughts overwhelm us to the point where we can be sat in a room full of people yet feel lonely,scared and detached.

    It will take time for your medication to work and with or without your help it will do what it has to do. All you have to do is accept that this is how you feel today and go through your day,regardless of how you feel doing the best you are able. Don't try to force it,just do what you can.

    If you can stay in a routine,that's even better.

    I'm still having more bad days and I know how lonely and soul destroying that can be. You deserve this life and you deserve to be happy. You didn't ask for this. There is nothing wrong in your life...you have a chemical imbalances that in time will be rectified. 

    Please don't give up hope. We are all in this together xx

    • bryan91285
      bryan91285 gillian20097

      Posted

      Thank you Gillian for the kind words, I forgot to mention that Ive had this problem for quite some time now. The meds help me cope but every day is a struggle.
    • gillian20097
      gillian20097 bryan91285

      Posted

      Bryan, some people recover in weeks. Others it takes months. Others longer.

      Its frustrating and we question how we feel or should feel daily which makes us even more overwhelmed and frustrated. 

      I struggle too. I've been here before and made it through but still I feel that I will never get through this time. I carry on doing all I can,hoping 1 thing will be that thing that stops this.

      I'm not sure if you are into meditation,maybe not but I find it helps relax my mind from the constant chatter.... I come here lots for support and to support others. I try and get our for walks and spend time with family,even though it breaks my heart to be with them.

      Maybe your medication needs changing or tweaking or something adding to it or maybe you just need to talk,talk,talk until you can talk no more.

      xx

    • bryan91285
      bryan91285 gillian20097

      Posted

      Thank you. No, I've never considering meditation might be a good idea. Sometimes the hardest part of the day is going to bed, I lay there and then next thing I know is I'm replaying the day in my head. What I should have done but didn't or how I could have handled things differently. I'm trying to exercise more, my wife and I are trying to be support buddies to each other but even thats hard sometimes. My wife has Crohns Disease and earlier this year she had surgery to remove the infected part of her bowel, everything was fine but now she's back off work again as she can't control herself sometimes. Shes trying to see if she can work from home now. So the added pressure of being the sole income, a family that just doesn't understand what I'm going through and now I'm needing to take time off from work it's just very hard.
    • gillian20097
      gillian20097 bryan91285

      Posted

      You have had a tough time and are plagued with worry on top of the things that have already happened. 

      It's hard when you have people around you but they don't understand. I don't think people do unless they themselves have been there.

      You have your wife. Why not dedicate a " talk time" at evening while you go to bed as that it your worse time. Have half hour each where you both say everything that you have on your mind.

      It will get it all out before you sleep and also give you and your wife the satisfaction that you helped each other xx

    • frustrated61
      frustrated61 bryan91285

      Posted

      Hi Bryan ~

      This is simple but profound and I love reading what this author brings to the table of everyday lifetime stresses.

      “We are products of our past, but we don't have to be prisoners of it.” 

      ― Rick Warren, The Purpose Driven Life: What on Earth Am I Here for? This book is loaded with verses that self help everyone.  Another one of his quotes, to find your purpose, find your wound.  But, this applies only if your depression is caused by past hurts in perhaps childhood etc...

      Anyway, it's been a good source of comfort to me and I just wanted to pass along a good thing.  My "wound" is definitely caused by past hurt but also by chronic pain.  I've posted a discussion RELAX ~ does anyone know how to do this?   and it's been a good source of reference for meditation techniques, eating behaviors etc. You may want ot check this out and see for yourself.

      Good luck and I wish you well.  Just know that many are in your situation, you are one that chose to deal with it.  Many just walk around in a stuper.

      Kudos to us who deal with our depression! smile

      Frustrated

    • frustrated61
      frustrated61

      Posted

      I have also a discussion on "To find your purpose, find your wound" has anyone found their wound?

      This is  a slower moving discussion as many do not want that feeling of being vunerable or perhaps they don't want to get too deeply involved with what they write.

      Anyway, it's another discussion that may be of help with your depression.

      Again, good luck

      Frustrated

    • frustrated61
      frustrated61 bryan91285

      Posted

      HI Bryan ~

      I hear you regarding the suffereing of  depression.  It sucks!  Meditation can be of great help it's also very relaxing.  I have a few discussions on here and one being "RELAX ~  can anyone help me with this", it's been very enlightening.  Many responders stating different techniques of meditation and other ideas.

      Also, a good book to get that's loaded with quotes for life called:We are products of our past, but we don't have to be prisoners of it.” 

      ― Rick Warren, The Purpose Driven Life: What on Earth Am I Here for? Another discussion I have up is: If you want to find your purpose in life, find your wound...yet another RW's quotes.  This is a good therapy read and will give you confidence.

      Not sure where your "wound" lies.  From the past? Usually there is something that someone holds onto because letting go causes too much pain, even unbearable pain.  But I encourage you to "let go" and trust that God has your back, you just need to ask for help.

      Good luck and I wish you well soon!

      Frustrated

    • bryan91285
      bryan91285 frustrated61

      Posted

      Thank you for your support it means alot. I will definetly try and find that post. And the book, it looks like it will help me alot.
    • marareta
      marareta bryan91285

      Posted

      dont forget love it will realy help i suffered for yrs but they both pulled me thru
  • elizabeth20203
    elizabeth20203 bryan91285

    Posted

    Hi Bryan, You have come to the right place here as people are very supportive, carin and understanding. Counselling is a good way to talk through your feelings it is non judgemental. Depression can cause a varity of things such as lack of motivation, not wanting to get out of bed, not eating, or eating too much etc. We all suffer in different ways. You will get through this thou it may not feel like this now. 
  • townee06
    townee06 bryan91285

    Posted

    Bryan, you mentioned counselling but that you are still hesitant. You ask for support over the web, that is a sign of a strenght in you to recognise (at least intuitivelly) what is good for you. I think that you are searching for human contact and understanding, and believe me it have healing properties.

    I just want to encourage you to go to a counsellor or psychotherapist (even better). Ask your friends for recommendations and if you feel sympathy at first contact, that is a good therapist for you.

    I know that you are in doubt whether it will help you, I had the same doubts 7 years ago when I suffered from severe depressive epizode, but for me the psychotherapy showed to be very usefull.

    OK, at the end, I know that you do not believe me, but  it all will pass and you will be happy in your life again...

    • frustrated61
      frustrated61 townee06

      Posted

      Hi Townee ~

      I'm not sure why you ended such a meaningful post with "I know that you do not believe me..."  You have given Bryan many great ideas and shows you know your stuff.  While encourgaging other's keep your chin up and know your self worth.  You seem like an incredible person and you are definitely not one other's should "not believe".

      Thank you for your post

      Frustrated

    • bryan91285
      bryan91285 townee06

      Posted

      Townee, I believe you. Please trust me on that. Talking with my wife today about going online and posting this, she was very proud of me for taking this step. I guess deep down I am afraid what counselling will bring up but I can't live like this any more. I appreciate your help and honesty.
    • gillian20097
      gillian20097 bryan91285

      Posted

      Reaching out is a very important step Bryan..not just on the forum..but to your wife and doctor. 

      It's your way of saying "I deserve this life and will do all I can to take it back"!!! That's very positive. 

      We may be filled with dread but somewhere deep inside that little spark is flickering away,refusing to go out,waiting to be ignited. 

      We automatically think that we are reaching out in desperation because that's how we feel but really it's the positive side to us saying "let's see if we can figure this out"!!

      I wish you positive thoughts and a speedy recovery xx

    • frustrated61
      frustrated61 bryan91285

      Posted

      Remember, "to find your purpose in life, find your wound".  Don't be afraid to grow.  It will give you such a sense of purpose, believe me.  You will live a happy life and have a happy wife!

      Frustrated

    • townee06
      townee06 bryan91285

      Posted

      Bryan, probably everybody are scared of what counselling may bring up. I was scared to death that therapist will tell me that I`m hopeless, mad, that my parents are psychopats, etc. Of course nothing like that happened. The fact that you are communicating on the forum makes you good material with well prognossis, I have impresion of you as of a very normal person (some therapists regards depression as developmental phase, not a disease).

      You know, I worried a lot about my prospects as being a father, and my therapist wiped off my fears, as she told me : #Don`t worry you``ll make mistake with your children for sure - we all do.# 

      Take your time. It is good you are thinking about that, once, surelly you`ll be ready to take a step - we all do...

      Wish you nice evening with your wise wife and kid...

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