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Just found out that my boyfriend has herpes after 9 months of us being together

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randomgirl
randomgirl

My boyfriend and I have been together for 9 months. He just decided that three weeks ago he was going to tell me he had herpes. I just went to the doctor and found out that he doesn't have to have an outbreak for me to contract this and that since we don't use protection that the chances of me getting this are highly likely. I don't know what to think or do. I have never been through something like this.

0 likes, 17 replies

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  • Talullah
    Talullah randomgirl

    Posted

    Hi Randomgirl, don't stress about yourself as you may not have been infected yet. To protect yourself though, you need to ensure that you don't have unprotected sex until you get more clarity. I have also been told that a person can be infectious even when they aren't feeling the start of an outbreak coming on and when they have blisters. Many people on the forum, though, have said that they have been told that the only time you can pass it on, is if you are either starting an outbreak or have the blisters. I'm not sure then what is true and what isn't. I would rather err on the side of caution, at this stage, and protect yourself. Find out as much as you can about it all and then you can go forward and make further decisions. But as I said, don't panic about yourself just yet. Herpes is not the greatest thing to have, in fact it sucks, but life goes on there are far worse things going on in the world. Keep your immune system strong by eating properly etc and go for a blood test to see whether you have antibodies for the virus and then go forward. Hope lots that you have missed it. Good luck.
    • randomgirl
      randomgirl Talullah

      Posted

      Thanks Talullah. I am actually waitiing on my lab results now. The doctor said that there is a large chance that I could have contracted it from my boyfriend being that we do have unprotected sex. He said that you can be active 7-14 days before an actual outbreak occurs. Most women don't show any symptoms at all and can only be tested usually by a blood test. If women do show symptoms it is usually and internal outbreak. I know it's not the worst thing in the world to have but it does change my perception on everything. I thought I could trust him and now if I do have it, it has forever changed my life
  • Loulou34
    Loulou34 randomgirl

    Edited

    Hey Randomgirl,

    Regarding your boyfriend decision to inform you only 9 months into your relationship, I suggest you consider the following:

    Firstly, he might have been poorly informed about the risk. As Tallulah mentioned, there is contradicting information about the time you can be infectious. I was told by 2 doctors that I'm only contagious during outbreaks and only found out on the net that it's possible to be asymptomatic sometimes (and in fact, I'm still in search for reliable and detailed source about this particular matter). This resulted in me and my gf to have unprotected sex outside outbreaks and we're busy reconsider this.

    The second thing to consider is the difficulty most people have to announce this to partners. Explore the forum a bit and you'll see how commonly this is discussed; you'll read about shame, "dirty secret", fear of rejection. People fear to be rejected and, although I hope it's the minority of cases, people do sometime get rejected because of that.

    I'm not saying he was right not to tell you but these two factors might have played a role in his decision and I'm inviting you to put yourself in his position for a moment to see if you can understand better what he did.

    I'd suggest you engage with him in quiet manner. Tell him what you feel about this and ask him to tell you the reason why he didn't think it was important to tell you. Then take it from there.

    About the likelyhood of transmission, something I've read is that you'd have about 1/10 chance to have contracted it over a one period of unprotected sex (outside outbreaks) with a positive partner. That's not what I would call "a large chance". I hope this will help you relax about it while you're waiting for the results.

    • randomgirl
      randomgirl Loulou34

      Edited

      I know it is difficult to disclose this type of information. But in the same sense he is the one who pursued me and wanted a long relationship and to have this thrown in my lap i was baffled, scared, disappointed and just angry. Yes he was scared to lose me cause he knows this is something that is life long. But in the same sense you don't just keep this to yourself. It is something that can be contracted with or without a breakout and according to my doctor i could show no symptoms at all. 
    • Loulou34
      Loulou34 randomgirl

      Posted

      Don't get me wrong, I do agree that he should have told you.

      All I'm saying is that he could have believed that he could only pass it on during outbreaks and - as you mention, he was the one pursueing you - he was probably scared that telling you that could ruin everything.

      Another thing is that you're saying he's got it for at least 15 years; from what I read, outbreaks becomes less and less frequent and severe with time, so it might have become to him a not so important thing.

      Nordic's words is certainly his/her experience of it but you'll be able to find on the forum many other people who have made much more peace with this condition. Personally I'm definitely not living it as a "life sentence" even if, 2 years into having it, I've got outbreaks still quite frequently. To me, it's more a pain in the butt, having to be extra cautious during outbreaks, no oral sex without condoms, etc...

      Once again, bear in mind that there is a lot of poorly informed people, including medical professionals. Even yesterday again, my wife's mid-wife told her that we don't have to worry when I don't have an outbreak. To date, I still haven't met a medical professional telling me i'm contagious during outbreak. If that was your bf's case and he was worried that telling you about this very stigmatised condition would scare you away, you might understand why he could think it is not so important to tell you right away. In the end, even if he told you quite/too late, he did tell you.

      But again, I'm only suggesting what could have been on his mind. He might just have been knowledgeable and careless. Only you can find out by discussing with him.

      In your words, I can feel that you've got, like most people, quite a bit of stigma about it and it seems your doctor is quite alarmist. I'd suggest you do a bit more reading about it to give yourself more perspective and also help you take a more serene look at your situation.

  • Nordic
    Nordic randomgirl

    Edited

    Hi randomgirl - I've had herpes for 23 years, it's been awful - a life sentence.  Yes, your boyfriend should have told you before you got intimate, to give you an opportunity to withdraw from the relationship.  Do you want to catch this disease?  Probably not, so sadly maybe you should split now.  And you should be using protection anyway! 
    • randomgirl
      randomgirl Nordic

      Edited

      I know we should be using protection. Just never thought he would hold this information from me. I asked him how long he has known and his response was 15 years. I told him he should have given me the opportunity to decide if i wanted to even engage in anything with him. At this point trust has been broken and I just don't know if it is worth it anymore. I do love him but I would have never ever hidden anything like this from him
  • Talullah
    Talullah randomgirl

    Posted

    Sorry to have to disappoint you all but I have had HSV1 and 2 for over 20 years - 1 since I was a child as my mother had cold sores and I obviously picked it up from her and 2 for about 25 or more years, picked up during my marriage from giving my ex oral sex with a cold sore or while an outbreak was brewing; he then infected me genitally - lovely story! For me, the outbreaks don't get fewer as the years go by - I've just had a cold sore and two genital outbreaks in the last month! Stress is the worst trigger and I can guarantee that when I'm stressed, I'll get hit with one or the other. I have read that some people only have one outbreak ever and others the incidents decrease over the years but that's certainly not my case. The conflicting advice and information about being infectious when not having an outbreak is very frustrating; also the information about having, in the case of women, internal blisters i.e. not visible, is also contradictory and confusing. Just want to check on the meaning of one of the things you said; "...you can be active 7-14 days before an actual outbreak occurs." Do you mean that you can be sexually active or that the virus can be active and infectious? Keeping my fingers crossed for your results!
    • randomgirl
      randomgirl Talullah

      Posted

      The dr. said that they could actually be having an outbreak and not show any physical outbreak. so with that being said it passes through their semen or blood stream which is also very frustrating. I am still waiting by the phone for my results and i am worried to death
    • yaddayadda
      yaddayadda randomgirl

      Posted

      That's absolute B@LLSH!T ... it does not pass through semen or blood stream.  It's a skin on skin infection. 

       

  • burninglove
    burninglove randomgirl

    Posted

    What's more likely true in this scenario is that he didn't have it at the start of your relationship, but has strayed and now contracted it from someone else recently.  Otherwise, why now? I hope you tested neg and dump this guy now!
    • lyse2006
      lyse2006 burninglove

      Posted

      LOL. You need to re- read the post. It's very possible that he had it and didn't want to tell her because he was scared. The thought crossed my mind to just use condoms until i found the right words for my boyfriend, but the truth is condoms doesn't cut it and i love him too much. Just because someone waits to disclose does not AT ALL mean they cheated. Stay away from the stigmas. This type of thinking is EXACTLY why people dont want to disclose.
    • burninglove
      burninglove lyse2006

      Posted

      You could be right, but my theory fits the facts just a little better.  To knowingly put a girl at risk for 9 months is the greater failing.  "I was scared but now that I know you better, I might as well tell you I probably gave you a permanent STI starting 9 months ago.  But happy anniversary."  Naivete is the failing that keeps this disease circulating.  That and knowing deception.
    • lyse2006
      lyse2006 burninglove

      Posted

      Yeah you must don't have hsv because if you did you'd understand why that observation seems so far fetched. The GUILT is what made him tell her. My friend told me not to tell my bf until we were dating for a year or two that way I'd know for a FACT he wouldn't leave, I simply couldn't do that to him. I thought about it but I couldn't I looked at his face when he came home to me filled with so much love and I felt I owed it to him. Besides this is a part of me that's not going anywhere who wants to keep it bottled in forever? What was dude supposed to do? Take it to his grave? Smh no
  • lyse2006
    lyse2006 randomgirl

    Posted

    Hi Randomgirl:

     

    I just disclosed to my boyfriend last night it’s been a nightmare as I found out yesterday afternoon. He’s truly awesome and treats me like a princess I love him so much and I’m terrified that he may leave. He’s terrified because we’ve had sex unprotected twice, numerous other times protected. I explained that I didn’t feel any pain or had any bumps during those other times, but the other night I did and I did not allow sex, I got right up the next morning and boom, nightmare.

    I know a lot of people, family and friends with this and they are some of the most cleanest and neat freak people you will ever meet. They are very good people with great hearts, most just got caught in an unlucky situation. Most of them caught it from males that didn’t know they had it. Even knowing how common it is, I still freaked! You never think for once that just maybe it can happen to you.

    I think what people; yourself included are failing to realize is this virus is spreading faster than the chicken pox. Mostly because of the stigma and people being too embarrassed or afraid to talk about it simply because of the stigma. It’s the most popular virus that nobody talks about. It’s a minor skin irritation that only occurs when stressed out, poor diet, or not getting enough sleep. Fix those things, take your meds for a week and you lead a normal life other than when you meet someone awesome and have to have the dreaded talk.

    Also please keep in mind that this thing is so common that you could easily come across someone else that won’t tell you at all, hell probably until you’re knocked up or already at the altar. A lot of people don’t know, studies say 80% don’t know they have it. People have to directly ask to be tested for it, and lets face it if there are no blisters and they feel fine why would they ask? Exactly.

    So don’t beat him up too much. However in his case the trust thing is huge he probably should’ve thought about that. I’m scared to death my boyfriend will leave we are waiting on his results in two days but I cared so much for him that I just couldn’t not tell him. He deserves the truth no matter how hurt I’ll be if he leaves. He says he loves me over and over but he doesn’t know yet what he wants to do, but its possible to love someone and not want to take this risk for your own health. So as it stands I’m just saying if you don’t want to be with dude because he wasn’t honest that’s completely understandable. However keep in mind, that unless you have every guy going forward do a blood test before sex, your still at risk. Condoms only slows this baby down. It does not eliminate the chances of transmission. Oh how i wish it did tho.

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