Just introducing myself.

Hi there,

My name is Chonny, I'm 25 and live in New Zealand. Last year I was a fulltime single mother of a two year old (still am, just now she's three), studied fulltime, got a Diploma in Film and TV Production majoring in Documentary Directing and a Cert in Maori Performing Arts, outside of study I was heavily involved in a performing arts company and was working out regularly. I was barely still. Sometime in the second half of the year was when I started to get ill. My immune system has never been great so I've always had the mentality of just pushing through, However the fatigue didn't go away, accompanied by daily headaches. I'd just landed myself a part time job in the industry I'd trained for, it was an entry level job and prettyyyy simple. I only had to work a few hours a day but I was really battling with it. The drive home felt like I was leaving a 12 hour shift with a severe hangover. 

I'd been to the doctor twice last year...she told me I had tension headaches and eye strain and prescribed me a whole bunch of drugs that make you drowsy (good one), anti-depressants and told me to go to the optometrists. 

I ditched the anti-depressants, I wasn't depressed. I took the drugs. I didn't see the optom at the time because of costs. So I went back to the doc this year but this time I decided to try a different one as this one just wanted me out the door as soon as i stepped through it. My next doc asked me if I'd ever suffered from anxiety...yes I have. And that's all it took for her to become tunnel-visioned. More anti-depressants and a clinical psychologist "on a history of anxiety and clinical depression". I felt destroyed. Here I was, so hopeful I'd get an answer and I end up with that answer. Not at all saying that anxiety and depression are not something to take seriously because they totally are. But I KNEW that this was not the cause of my symptoms. I know the symptoms of anxiety, I've lived them. She'd got it the wrong way around, my "mood" was not causing my symptoms, my symptoms were causing my mood. Simple, yet I felt I couldn't tell her this for the thought of being ridiculed.

Annnyyywaay, I eventually ended up with the specialist I'm with now who understands!! And not only that, he started asking me if I had certain things going on, which I did. He got more bloods done that the other doctors hadn't and found that I was low in several things so is treating me for those. So I'm hoping that'll help. I'm only working one day a week at the moment but I'm struggling even with that. I don't have the mental focus to be able to deliver/drive. I'm thinking of leaving so that I can make this a time of healing. Does anyone have any thoughts on that? I'm still a bit up in the air.

My daughter is at daycare fulltime from 8:30am-6pm. During that time I'm mostly in bed, I worked out that I spend on average, 20 hours a day in bed. When I realised that, I thought to myself, ok that's a bit extreme and a bit lazy, I'm sure I can do a bit better than that... That day I tried to do a few hours of work and went to a graduation ceremony for a couple of hours that evening. I struggled the whole day and was destroyed by the time I finally got into bed at 9pm. lol. The next day I woke up feeling I'd been hit by a bus and also felt a cold coming on. Ohhh nope maybe it isn't laziness after all. 

The weekend just past I tried to do a few things with my daughter as well. Low energy outings. It's Sunday night and I feel pretty bad, muscles are aching and the rest of it! 

Guess I need to learn to accept that this is real and this time I can't push through in the way that I used to or it'll make me worse...that's probably the hardest part for me.

This post has been such a long vent! It was not my intention for it to turn into a big moaning rant! My apologies. If you made it to the end of this i have to say that I am surprised!! And very grateful that you took the time. But anyway, I look forward to meeting some of you and being part of a place where people understand!

Chonny

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