Just need to switch off these thoughts :(

Posted , 9 users are following.

I'm sure nobody will be up at such early hours in the morning but the voice in my head is going at me extra hard tonight so I just need a place to vent. 

It's just not fair that the only change of my condition seems to be that it gets worse when you think it definitely can't rather than getting better. Yes, it steadies off at times but it is still a miserable, joyless period until the next crash and burn. I have never, ever felt such intense feelings of hate - to the point where it physically burns and aches, and feeling this towards myself, whom I can't even escape from is just too much!!! At least before I was able to sleep, yes I was sleeping far too much but since being attacked again I lye awake every night and whenever I do briefly fall asleep I'm plagued with horrible, vivid nightmares. I look as dreadful as I feel, it's all making me physically ill but nothing will change. Even my therapist says I make little to no progress, despite seeing things clearly, my mindset is too stuck. I deserve being attacked, I deserve being raped, and I deserve being robbed because I am such a worthless and pathetic excuse for a human. I am disappointing and just hurting everyone around me. I'm losing touch with all the people I once held dear. 

I literally just want a break, why is that so much to ask for? 

I cannot comprehend how people can feel depressed for years upon years, it's only been about 14 months for me and I am already ready to throw my hands up and quit. I just wish I could stop being so weak and pathetic, even for a little while sad 

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  • Posted

    Hi Dear Fee,

    you have obviously suffered greatly, but you didnt deserve to be attacked,raped and robbed no one does and the animal or animals who did it to you will eventually be punished. I dont  know what else to say here other that see if doctor can prescribe anti depressants to help you. Then just take it one day at a time be kind to yourself and try to do something nice for yourself every day.It will take time to heal but you will. You are the victim, not the bad guy.

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    • Posted

      I'm on antidepressants, 100mg Sertraline and 120mg Propanolol daily for the depression and PTSD, it steadied things for a while but only to a degree, with lots of very low periods in that time. They're useful but, I thought coupled with therapy they'd help more.
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  • Posted

    Hi, fee:  I am so very sorry that you have been through so much, and you are still suffering.  You didn't mention seeing a doctor to get on some good antidepressants...I have had depression/panic attacks my whole life, and I would be up walking the floors while my family slept for years.  Finally, I saw a great psychiatrist who worked with me until she found just the right meds.  I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown and had contenplated suicide for years.  I am much better, thank God, but I still have to stick to a rigid schedule of meds, food and sleep to feel good.  Now, I'm getting older and having other physical problems to go along with the depression, so I'm so glad that I found the right doctor.  I hope you will get referrals and pick a doctor who really cares about you.  Most insurances cover that kind of mental health care now.  Wishing you the very best for your furture, sweetie...We are all in this together and we all care...HUGS.
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    • Posted

      I went to see my doctor about 9 month ago and she put me on Beta blockers and antidepressants, she is lovely but, the meds and therapy don't make a particularly significant difference - though I'm sure I would be in a much worse position without them. Luckily I'm from the UK so I'm under the NHS which means all my meds and care are free, thank God. 

      Thank you for taking time to reply 

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  • Posted

    morning Fee, i suffer many similiar things you have mentioened there, as of recently past few months, things are at ease, maybe a mixture of many things along with medication im being prescribed,

    also as of recent i have aquired a budgie, an over the past few months have grown a bond, i let him have free flight, an he returns to the cage to sleep at night,

    he's very quiet, doesnt disturb me till i wake, lately i have felt such attacks starting to take place, course i flinch an proberly make loud noises whilst im under going this, my budgie has started flying panickly in the dark, which then wakes me up, to assist him, think i'm onto something here smile

    always keep ur GP informed smile n all the best, when i've needed urgent attension during such attacks, or when i feel they strongly coming, u can dial 999 for immediate attension, hope this helps

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    • Posted

      My medications help but, only to an extent. I'm sure I'd be much worse off without them. 

      It's lovely that you have a pet to keep you company, animals are a huge help in my opinion.  x

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  • Posted

    Hi Fee

    I dont this to sound as if I dont understand, but is it not at all possible for you to move?  Obviously I dont know where you live,but if its the sort of place where people follow you home, then attack and rob you it cant be a decent area? This is speculation - of cours I know it can happen anywhere, but the sad fact is that statistically, it more likely to happen in some places than others. 

    I have been raped, and at other times broken into, and it once happened when I had just got out of the bath, so yes it was a very nasty experience. I managed to get my dressing gown on, ran downstairs yelling and the burglars - there were two of them actually just ran off - so I was pretty luckly.

    That sort of thing happened several times in that area to me and other people I knew who lived there.  Where I am now its a very rare occurance and its definitely not a particularly well off area.

    Have you been to the police, is it at all possible that they could get some fingerprints off this person - they have probably done that sort of thing before.

    I not suprised you feel terrible about it. Noone should have to put up with this. Please try to get this person caught, and if you cant move - try to make where you live as safe as possible.

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    • Posted

      I was raped in a city down South during University, I moved from there in June 2015 and moved to a city in the North which was where I was followed, attacked, attempted to be raped and robbed. I'm now spending some time where I grew up but, you can't escape the evils of the world - there has been countless, horrific crimes in my hometown as well. 

      I went to the police about the robbing/attack, they were extremely uninterested and I haven't heard from them since. I'm sorry to hear similar things have happened to you, it is awful. x

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    • Posted

      Hi again,

      I have also had the police attitude of - we dont really want to know - and it is very unpleasant when you've had the initial trauma to deal with. In fact, once after I was attacked I was treated so dismissivively and practically accused by the police of making it all up, that I made an official complaint which was referred to the Independant Police Complaints Commission, and they investigated the matter on my behalf, and the police officer who was so dismissive was actually disciplined over it - so its definitely worth doing this, even if it doesnt end up in the attacker being caught.  This was only a few years ago, and the polices attitude over it totally astounded me, especially as they have alot of bad publicity for not treating certain crimes seriously enough.

      People need to make a stand about these sort of attitudes and they will slowly but surely have to change.

      You must know what your'e attacker looks like, so they could try to ID them, there must be some CCTV footage of him following you they could examine. They are basically lazy and not doing their job properly if they dont.  The person who did this is still out there and dangerous and will at some point attack someone else.

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    • Posted

      Wow, I am so sorry to hear you were not taken seriously by the police, it is great to hear that you sought some kind of justice though, that is very brave of you! I know and appreciate that the police are busy but, it doesn't make these crimes any less important, my life has been taken from me. 

      I do know what he looks like, yes - though in a city as big as the one I live in it would be difficult to come across him again. I told the police where I was when he first started following me but, they wrote me a letter saying the CCTV was apparently facing the wrong direction so there is no footage! Rubbish. I truly, with no doubt believe that this man went out with the whole intention of hurting someone, taking advantage of whoever he could find to get what he wanted. He managed that and he will manage it again. How anyone could do that to another person I just cannot conceive. 

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    • Posted

      Yes, the dreadful thing is that these dangerous people are still able to carry on hurting people. There are of cases of the police not taking cases seriously, then the attacker goes on to actually kill someone.  I know its rare, but it has happened - and the police know it.

      Yes, it is rubbish that there isnt enough evidence. 

      I know its very hard to complain, and I dont know if I could have done it on my own.  Luckily I have a very supportive partner who was with me through all this.

      I even emailed the BBC about it when they were discussing the problem and how the police arent effective enough, and they called me and asked me if I would go on a programme to talk about my case. I didnt want to, as I was embarrased about people I know seeing me. Its a shame - I wish I was brave enough to, - I know people have done.

       

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  • Posted

    I am so sorry for your situation.  Let me sum up your situation as I read it.  You have been violently attacked, robbed, horribly humilated, and your life and well being was seriously threatened by a predator for no reason, your sense of security is shattered, you are dealing with law enforcement officals who do not want to do their job and would rather humilate you again, a system and society that doesn't care about you and likes to humilate victims like you, your sense of trust in any other human being is shattered beyond repair and all the therapist wants to do is treat you like another sad and depressed person instead of someone that had been deeply violated and had her life threatened and now has PTSD and underlying depression. Both conditions are the 100 stone attacking elephants of mental health, destroying people left and right everyday.   You posting all of this and going on when you want to quit and give up is a testament to your inner strength, not weakness.    You need a therapist that understand what you are dealing with and you may need medication to deal with the brain imbalances such attacks can cause.  If there is anything we can do for you just post here. Try to talk to the people you are losing touch with at least once a week.   Your true friends will stay by your side if you simply let them.  If you keep seeking help and keep on fighting just to live one day you will find your burden lessened and find it easier to press on.  If you haven't done so go to https://www.victimsupport.org.uk/ and you might find help, or at least someone to talk to that has been through what you have been through.
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    • Posted

      Thank you for your response, you are spot on to be honest. My cousellor is rape-specific and she is very lovely but, there's just too much going on to break through all of my issues. My GP is referring me for PTSD counselling now, so I shall see how that goes, hopefully better. I do ttake antidepressants and beta blockers and have done for about 7 or 8 months now - they did help but, not so much anymore, the anxiety and intrusive thoughts just seem to be overpowering. 

      I have taken your advice and have been trying to visit or contact friends, it is difficult and I am usually quite disengaged but, it is a distraction and it's nice to be in the company of others. Especially when being alone frightens me to death at the moment! 

      Thank you again for your reply xx

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  • Posted

    Hi fee, I was also attacked and spiraled greatly into depression and anxiety for 3 years to the point where everything was lost on me.  I was a deep canvas of human feelings, blood and flesh.  I was living in a sad world that was full of broken hearts and torn apart people.  This type of stuff happens though.  And I hope you can be strong for all of us victims and find somthign that makes you happy, have kids to share your deep compassion for others and enjoy who you become.  Patience is important for too, every day is a struggle, especially at the start.  Don't feel ashamed of your pain and honor your stories!
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  • Posted

    Dearest Fee,

    I have insomnia at the moment but I'm sorry I wasn't online last night when you posted - I would have responded sooner. Your words tear me apart because your pain is so raw and the trauma and disrespect you have suffered have made you lose yourself. You didn't deserve what happened to you and they didn't happen to you because of who you are or anything you did. You deserve trauma counselling to help you come to terms - not with the crimes done to you - but with the scars that have been left. Deep down you are still a beautiful, strong lady (I recall not so long ago when you were celebrating your graduation success, a real victory in the face of adversity!) Many friends online celebrated your achievement and were so proud of you. Circumstances have led you to lose sight of that self-worth and it has been turned into self-hatred. I feel the agony of it because I have known it myself. My life is full of regrets and mistakes and hurts and I don't like the person who l see reflected back in the mirror. But I know there is just me to live with and there needs to be self-forgiveness. Not that you have done anything that needs forgiving but you are condemning yourself needlessly. If your friends could be with you now, we would be picking you up and wiping those tears and letting you know how special you are. We can't be there next to you in body but we are here in thought willing you to be able to think differently about yourself. Sometimes the only validation we get is from ourselves (expecting it from others can be a long wait!) I can't understand the horror of what you have been through (although others on here can). Nor can I know the joy that is ahead of you, the experiences that only you can have and the magic that only you can give to the lives of others. We are all unique but pain is the one thing that can unite us. It's sad but we wouldn't have fellowship and know one another's stories unless pain had brought us to this place. We have all been overwhelmed by the pain of what we carry inside ourselves - it seems unbearable at times. That's when we unload those feelings and share from our hearts. We hear you and validate your pain. I pray that your future doesn't involve your having to relive this pain for too much longer. Something needs to break this cycle. As you say yourself, something needs to "switch off" these thoughts. If your counselling isn't helping you towards this goal, I really think you need some different counselling. It's not your fault it isn't working. Could you discuss your situation more with your GP - I feel you could do with more support than you are getting.

    Please don't be negative about my friend Fee anymore - she's very special to us :-)

    Sending you a BIG hug xx

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    • Posted

      Digsby the response that you have shared here on my post is quite possibly the kindest and most well written piece of support I have ever read. You are so sweet and always there in support of people on this site, we are so lucky to have you here, we really are. 

      And, this site is a help - it's been difficult getting online at the moment due to my situation, so I am sorry I couldn't respond to this sooner but, thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful words. 

      I have started reading a new self help book based solely on traumatic stress and my GP is referring me for PTSD specific counselling which I am hoping will help. Don't get me wrong, I do like my counsellor, she is lovely and she has helped me in some aspects but, it's just not enough, and that might be because 12 weeks of therapy really isn't enough time with someone. 

      I need to make another appointment with my GP as I have not seen her in over a month despite receiving letters asking me to book in. I just genuinely never thought fighting these feelings and thoughts would be so difficult. It's a blessing to now truly understand how others think and feel when they say they are depressed but, a curse to feel it yourself. 

      Thank you again Digsby, I can't even put into words how much your response means to me smile xxx

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