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I'm sure nobody will be up at such early hours in the morning but the voice in my head is going at me extra hard tonight so I just need a place to vent.
It's just not fair that the only change of my condition seems to be that it gets worse when you think it definitely can't rather than getting better. Yes, it steadies off at times but it is still a miserable, joyless period until the next crash and burn. I have never, ever felt such intense feelings of hate - to the point where it physically burns and aches, and feeling this towards myself, whom I can't even escape from is just too much!!! At least before I was able to sleep, yes I was sleeping far too much but since being attacked again I lye awake every night and whenever I do briefly fall asleep I'm plagued with horrible, vivid nightmares. I look as dreadful as I feel, it's all making me physically ill but nothing will change. Even my therapist says I make little to no progress, despite seeing things clearly, my mindset is too stuck. I deserve being attacked, I deserve being raped, and I deserve being robbed because I am such a worthless and pathetic excuse for a human. I am disappointing and just hurting everyone around me. I'm losing touch with all the people I once held dear.
I literally just want a break, why is that so much to ask for?
I cannot comprehend how people can feel depressed for years upon years, it's only been about 14 months for me and I am already ready to throw my hands up and quit. I just wish I could stop being so weak and pathetic, even for a little while
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