Keep scaring myself :(

Hi Tanya

Do you suffer from OCD, my counsellor was asking me did  I have ant irrational thoughts due to my OCD I do but I didn't exactly go into detail as I try to kick them out of my head.

Aww Tanya, I hear you! I had very similar anxious intrusive and worrying thoughts when I was your age. It's all part of the adrenaline response, we get preoccupied with and over analyse all our feelings, thoughts,actions and reactions when sensitised in the anxiety state. Constantly searching for why we feel the way we do and how to get out of it. Questioning everything. We feel vulnerable like we can't manage ourselves, ironically it's the total opposite we have a tight hold on ourselves, too much. Just think about all the writers, film makers and actors who make money from reconstructing horror, murder, fear, abuse etc they are not bad or evil people and they are creating this stuff from their imagination all the time. Sink into your anxiety a bit more, just treat like a bad cold, makes you feel rough and a bit crap but it can't harm you - try and not buy into too much.

Fran

Hello tanya! you don't know how much your post has  helped me. ive been suffering with the exact same problem since i was a little girl, i always pictured awful things, such as what if i stabbed my mother. since i pictured these things, i kept questioning myself on whether this was something i enjoyed... because, well i kept picturing it so that must mean something right!!! WRONG. At one point when I was about 12 I couldn't take it anymore and finally told my mother. She explained to me that as you grow and asses situations, we may feel insecure as our thought processes are developing and we question why situations are the way they are, and that we need to pray and ask God to watch over us and help us clear these obsessive thoughts. As i was never very religious, the God idea did not help me much. But it did make me realize that we are never alone, and that there is always someone there to talk to (if they are there in person or not) and help open our eyes to the pure people we are born as, and always capable of being. These murder thoughts finally left my mind, and my anxiety decreased for several years. But as I began university, i began questioning other things, such as rape. I began to feel disgusted with myself...to the point where i start having panic attacks and puking...as i kept picturing these terrible images in my head. and although i knew i hated these images... and i knew that i did care... i began to question whether i did care at all as these images were so engraved into my brain that i actually became used to them. This does NOT mean you a have began to enjoy these images... its that you have gotten USED to it, and your body is just trying to calm you down as you probably run these images through your head over and over again. Our body and minds go through severe stress, leading to panic attacks and your body just doesnt want to take it anymore.  And the more you let yourself worry, the worse it will get because your mind will learn to live with these iimages.. even if its not something you want.  I know it is difficult to convince yourself of who you are meant to become, but you need to learn to LOVE yourself, and realize we are all in this TOGETHER, we are all ONE BEING. you are never alone tanya! and now i dont feel alone either. you are a GOOD person, because you care enough to worry about worrying about worrying and so on. we are extremely impressioanble, empathetic, and perceptive people, and these are great qualities which we must learn to use to our advantage to help others in need. To help ourselves get over this, we need to focus our attention on the OTHER. right now, we are too focused on ourselves. try volunteering at places with people in need, go out with your friends and show them what an amazing friend you really are! Focusing on some of my own interests helps too, such as writing, playing music or photography, because i can express my thoughts and feelings through that work to other people and show them the beauty my soul wants to create. by locking yourself away you are not allowing yourself to grow and overcome this anxiety. you will just be in a constant never-ending loop of what-ifs? I believe in you, and im hoping you can believe in me too.

I'm a bit late on this one, but I can relate 100%. About a month ago I heard of a shooting on the news and it like scared me thinking the same things you are, and the more you think on them the more they'll keep fighting you and coming back. It still happens time to time a couple hours ago I had the same issue and I was worrying about what if I become a psychopath and kill someone one day, and It scares me because I would never do that. But yes it's just anxiety and it just accept the thoughts and don't let them scare you because over time they'll subside.

I'm happy to know that I'm not the only one. I don't know if it is normal or not. But I do know is that not alone anymore.