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This life is hard and lost. Never knowing what each day will bring, waking up with anxiety and fear of how much and how long the dizziness, headache or anxiety will last. Praying each night and asking for help for everyone and your self who has this condition.
Each day is hard for someone who is battling to be normal and forgetting what its like. Crying for loss of just little things that are hard to do. Sitting down to just relax and suddenly feeling the dizziness running through the entire body, then the fear and frustration coming with it and feeling so alone, even though there is room filled with people. Sitting and watching others just laugh and move around you and thinking, it must be so nice to not being thinking about being dizzy and off balance, to be able to sit and enjoy dinner without feeling like you are moving and might fall off the chair, you have to barely move to eat because your busy trying not to be dizziness. Everyone at the table has no idea what your going thru just to eat, something so simple has become a chore at times.
You can no longer make plans, because you don't know how you will feel, so your world becomes much smaller. You don't want to tell someone you'll be somewhere only to disappoint them with the phone call telling them your not well again, your dizzy, your anxious, your head hurts. Your family and friends try to understand and be supportive, but you know they can't possibly get this, so your world become a bit smaller again. You try to do things around your house, something as simple as vacuuming a floor becomes an enemy, why because as you move your self forward and backward withthe vac you can feel it starting and God only knows how long it will last after you've finished, will it be and few hours or days? Simply washing dishes becomes a dizzy starter, you standing there washing and looking out a window and you feel it, the floor is moving up and down, you know your doomed again. Cooking dinner is another chore that it has become, moving around the kitchen, looking up and down,moving from one counter to another and guess what, dizzy again, how long will it last you wonder, how bad will it become. Taking a shower has become another enemy, you know as soon as you enter the bathroom the anxiety and dizziness start, you get in the shower and you feel like the entire shower is moving, something as simple as washing your hair and shaving your legs become another chore. By now you have so many chores of things you used to think nothing about, become things that worry you, that cause you anxiety, that anger you to do becuase of the fear you have. The same questions everyday, will I be dizzy today, how bad will it be, how long will it last, will the anxiety take over, how depressed can i get, and finally, when will this end?
Your life has changed so much and all the things you loved have become hard and a chore. Your depressed and sad but you try so hard to look okay to the outside world. You asked yourself, what did I do that caused this? The constant thinking about this and trying to cure it become your life, sure you may have a few days a month that you feel better and you think finally I might be getting well, then the bad days hit and you can't remember days ago when you felt better, instead you become sad again, you become worried again, you think only about this again.
You try to space out the things you do like vac, mopping, cleaning the bathroom, dusting, shopping, just so you don't get to dizzy.
You have to now pay attention to what you eat, your loosing weight because your hungery but your nauseas or dizzy and you just don't feel like eating. You think I'll be strong today and have a tiny cheese on a taco and guess what you pay the price for that. There seems to be a price for alot of things you do.
You look in the mirror and you see someone else, some who is tired. You can look at your eyes and see the sadness, the tiredness and that the light you once had in your eyes, is dull and gone. You look and feel older. You try so hard to feel better, you tell yourself daily that your ok, but inside your body and mind feel different. You try to smile, but you really don't feel like it, but you want they others around you laughing to think your ok, so you do what you have to.
You find yourself crying for no reason, your just sad because your not you anymore. You try to be kind to yourself, at the same time your watching the world and how they are all normal and you pray for this, to no avail. You wonder mostly is this my life now? Will I spend years like this? What will happen when I'm older, will I be able to take care of myself? These thougts are always there.
By the end of the day, you go to bed, you lay there and think about tomorrow, you cry alone and quietly as you pray for help. You hope you will sleep better tonight so you might feel better tomorrow. Before your even awake completely, your looking for it, you feel your heart pounding and the anxiety coming, you again tell yourself your ok and today will be a good day, you must try to believe this. Then the day begins and with that first slight dizzy feeling, the day is over any hope of a better day, the entire cycle starts again.
Living as a dizzy person is hard and the loss of yourself is even harder. There are days where you wonder if you'd be better off dead, but then you remember there is always hope and you try to pick yourself up and live your life the best you can.
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