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Hey! okay so I’m really having a hard time right now and I really want to cry but I can’t seem to get one tear out. I’ve been through some things through my life. I’m 20 and studying to become a nurse. Right now I feel overwhelmed by emotions, but I can’t cry. So I just want to get all the things I’ve been through off my chest..
I got bullied when I was younger, I wasn’t pretty enough and I felt worthless and depressed already when 11 years old. I really liked being alone, I’m highly sensitive and have always let things get to me which is overwhelming as it is. Therefore I kept things to myself, thoughts and also avoided playing with people not because I was shy or antisocial but because I did not want to get hurt by comments or actions.
-Played by several guys, which made me feel so worthless
-I got raped the first time I had sex when I was 16, the guy even put handcuffs on me which made the experience even worse.
-I’ve been cheated on once and mentally abused in this relationship
-Dumped on valentines day by my first boyfriend
-Drugged at a party, another guy raped me, my friend came in and caught it
-Friends that have backstabbed me, with telling my secrets to other people.
-everytime I dream it’s negative. I’ve suffered from sleep paralysies since I was 5 and have them several times a year. Everytime I close my eyes every person in the dream is against me like I am the most hated person alive.
-I’m an extremly anxious person, it’s all this trauma and everytime I sleep is a nightmear (sounded totally cliche, but it’s true)
After the rape, I got diagnosed with herpes and that has made me really sad. I’ve totally shut down, completely and the only thing I do at the moment is sleep, work and feel empty. I also feel like damaged goods. Before you picture this dirty and ugly girl I want to point out that I’ve actually become a beautiful girl. Tall skinny girl, smart and funny with brown long hair which carries a lot of empathy for others. I care too much, which makes me an easy target for people to use and hurt me. I got a lot of good friends and people around me but right now I have no energy to be around them because of all the trauma that’s stuck in my head. I can’t cry and I don’t want to talk to any of my friends about things that is bothering me.. I can’t seem to understand why I can’t just have ONE good thing happen to me, I’m totally drained..
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