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Life treats me like crap, but can’t cry

Posted , 5 users are following.

ida79960
ida79960

Hey! okay so I’m really having a hard time right now and I really want to cry but I can’t seem to get one tear out. I’ve been through some things through my life. I’m 20 and studying to become a nurse. Right now I feel overwhelmed by emotions, but I can’t cry. So I just want to get all the things I’ve been through off my chest..

I got bullied when I was younger, I wasn’t pretty enough and I felt worthless and depressed already when 11 years old. I really liked being alone, I’m highly sensitive and have always let things get to me which is overwhelming as it is. Therefore I kept things to myself, thoughts and also avoided playing with people not because I was shy or antisocial but because I did not want to get hurt by comments or actions.

-Played by several guys, which made me feel so worthless

-I got raped the first time I had sex when I was 16, the guy even put handcuffs on me which made the experience even worse.

-I’ve been cheated on once and mentally abused in this relationship

-Dumped on valentines day by my first boyfriend

-Drugged at a party, another guy raped me, my friend came in and caught it

-Friends that have backstabbed me, with telling my secrets to other people.

-everytime I dream it’s negative. I’ve suffered from sleep paralysies since I was 5 and have them several times a year. Everytime I close my eyes every person in the dream is against me like I am the most hated person alive.

-I’m an extremly anxious person, it’s all this trauma and everytime I sleep is a nightmear (sounded totally cliche, but it’s true)

After the rape, I got diagnosed with herpes and that has made me really sad. I’ve totally shut down, completely and the only thing I do at the moment is sleep, work and feel empty. I also feel like damaged goods. Before you picture this dirty and ugly girl I want to point out that I’ve actually become a beautiful girl. Tall skinny girl, smart and funny with brown long hair which carries a lot of empathy for others. I care too much, which makes me an easy target for people to use and hurt me. I got a lot of good friends and people around me but right now I have no energy to be around them because of all the trauma that’s stuck in my head. I can’t cry and I don’t want to talk to any of my friends about things that is bothering me.. I can’t seem to understand why I can’t just have ONE good thing happen to me, I’m totally drained..

1 like, 18 replies

18 Replies

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  • jay_babes
    jay_babes ida79960

    Posted

    Thanks so kind of you i do not know why they would not send you my email , maybe it was far to graphic to read, i forgot other people can read it, i surprised myself i have never spoke about my abuse to anyone apart from my partner , its only know that i had to do something about it, because i had already tried to commit  suicide , so i told my family and now i am on the list for counselling, but you see this has started since birth , its a family thing , and it affected my child, i too was bullied at school because of my nationality, and i made a friend with the only black girl, she was amazing, but i was not allowed to be her friend, so i got beat up for that, i left home early 17, thinking, it would be an amazing world out boy was i wrong, abuse, rape, so much hurt it got to a stage i did not know who to trust, i now have depression, anxiety, eating disorder, severe migraines, and now  a new one BDD, but through all this i am now 54, i am will never be perfect though i have been told a lot by others i am lol, i have a long way to go , hopefully i will get there and with my story help others, i have good days and very bad days , i am a bit confused about the drugs i am on but i am a gemini , twins so all my life i have been mess up, hope i find you well and improving , all my thoughts jaybabes smile

  • jay_babes
    jay_babes ida79960

    Posted

    Hi ida i am sorry i have just poured my heart out to you again and i believe i have done nothing wrong i have told my story ,i have not upset anyone, i have been truthful, and since i have joined this forum very helpful, you told your story and what you put in it i did the same , i do not understand why they keep stopping everyone else have gone through to be honest, i have apologise before, but truthfully i do not see in this email i did absolutely nothing wrong, i told my story about me without offended anyone i told people want i had try to do, what other people have done, and now told them i am getting help , so i dont see what the problem is, 
  • jay_babes
    jay_babes ida79960

    Posted

    hi ida as you can see now 2 of my post have been moderated , so i do not see how i can tell you my story 
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