Lonely and feel like I've lost myself.
Posted , 7 users are following.
I feel like a shadow of the person I used to be, I was happy, reasonably outgoing and funny with a lot of hope for the future. A combination of never having a real girlfriend and falling apart from a lot of my friends over the years has turned me into a nobody. I spend most of my time rotting away in my room when I'm not working, it was ok when I had visitors every day but now I'm rarely visited I feel so depressed. I want to get out more but the friends I do have left aren't particularly outgoing. Therefore I don't get out much which makes it near impossible to make new friends.
But that's not the main issue, for the most part of my life I have had a fair few friends and people that care about me but but I have never had a real girlfriend, I've seen a few girls (very briefly) and slept with just one my whole life. It all started when I was younger, I have Aspergers syndrome (known as high functioning autism these days) and was a very strange child/teen so naturally I didn't get any girlfriends. Over the years I grew up with no experience on how to approach girls I like, how to chat them up or even how to hold a good conversation with them. So now I'm 24 years old with none of the experience or knowledge necessary to get a relationship. I'm so scared of approaching girls in real life and have no idea how, so i tried internet dating. So far I just get ignored by 90% of women I message, I do write proper messages of at least a few sentences to a paragraph with good grammar, following the same formula I imagine most people follow, I'm not just copy pasting messages to every girl I am choosing carefully. All of these girls probably get messages every day, I was stupid to think that I could be any more appealing than the other 50 guys who messaged. I have an OK job and a decent car but that's all I have going for me. Other than being genuine, emotional, caring, down to earth and easy going but obviously that's not enough. I'm not attractive, tall or well toned, I have an awkward voice and I'm so nervous on dates (on the RARE occasion that I get one) that the girls I meet must think I'm just boring or stupid. My self confidence is at rock bottom. I feel so trapped. I probably won't meet a girl in this state of mind but don't think I can escape it without some kind of passion in my life.
Thank you for taking the time to read all this.
2 likes, 19 replies
gwen1953 AaronB
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Karebare AaronB
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AaronB
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gwen1953 AaronB
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R3LOAD AaronB
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It sounds like we have a lot in common...I'm 10 years older and only got my diagnosis at the start of the year. All my Life I knew I was a bit odd but being an 80's child it was put down to E-numbers, being hyper active and to much sugar. Medical proffession was a bit slow to pick up on ASD's back then so I've derped my way through life one embarrassing situation to the next until recently I had a serious relationship go totally pear shaped leaving me in a bad way and it forced me to look for answers. Last few months have been mind blowing to say the least.
Can I ask, do you find group social settings and such really difficult? For me one on one I can socialize just fine most of the time but in a group situation such as a busy bar or a club I get overwhelmed. The noise dosn't help either. Give me a quiet little bar any day for a night out. Loud music with lots of people and I'm screwed. It's been a while since I've been on the dating scene but what I tended to do was go to a restaurant or somewhere quiet to get to know my date first. I'd be less likely to freeze or shutdown later in the night.
On the dating sites thing, depending which site your using you need to take into account that normally a user cant send messages unless they subscribe so don't be disapointed by the lack of reply's. Odds are most of those users can't as they haven't payed the subscription. They may not even be active accounts anymore as most sites relying on a community don't delete inactives for quite some time.(Speaking from a web forum creator/admin perspective)
Reading your story sounded like a blast from the past for me if I'm honest but you do sound a lot more clued in than I ever was. The idea posted already about a penpal and such is a good idea. Making new friends is always good. I think you would do better if you worry less about finding a date and just live life. Make new friends, reconnect with old friends, go out and you may find a date finds you. You should also consider that it's when we're looking the hardest when it's hardest to find what we're looking for.
Take care and thanks again for posting this
D
Karebare R3LOAD
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Karebare R3LOAD
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Karebare AaronB
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Bird82 AaronB
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I agree with previous posts that if you "look" for a relationship, it's often harder to find. Trust me on that one, I'm 33 year old single mum and it's just not happening!!! So, Much better to focus first on finding less challenging ways to socialise, which would hopefully get you talking to people and boost your confidence. Things can then happen organically from there because you should hopefully start to feel better.
Do you go to any Aspergers support / social groups or is that something you would avoid? It can be comforting to be around people who understand your difficulties as they too would be facing many of the same. Sometimes just being able to feel okay to be yourself can be a relief. I'm guessing when you're in social situations, you become aware of things you're saying / doing that may come across weird??? Only reason I say that is because my son has high functioning autism and from as early as 3 years old, he has been aware of his differences and tried to control them. That's the thing with aspergers and HF autism, it's a double edge sword. You're smart enough to adapt your behaviours to suit different situations but then also ever so aware of them all the time which can seriously damage self esteem. My son is only 9 years old by the way! But I often think about this stuff all the time and how he's gonna be when he's older. Which is why I felt the need to respond to you.
I hope I haven't sounded patronising at all and I'm fully aware that I have waffled on and not really given any constructive advice but hey, sometimes it's good to just say whatever you're thinking. Plus, it's nice to know people get it.
Good luck and check back in so we know how you're feeling about stuff.
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valerie21605 AaronB
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AaronB
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Thanks for all the great replies and let me know what you think.
AaronB
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Karebare AaronB
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valerie21605 AaronB
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stacey87853 AaronB
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Stacey x