Lonely and feel like I've lost myself.

Posted , 7 users are following.

I feel like a shadow of the person I used to be, I was happy, reasonably outgoing and funny with a lot of hope for the future. A combination of never having a real girlfriend and falling apart from a lot of my friends over the years has turned me into a nobody. I spend most of my time rotting away in my room when I'm not working, it was ok when I had visitors every day but now I'm rarely visited I feel so depressed. I want to get out more but the friends I do have left aren't particularly outgoing. Therefore I don't get out much which makes it near impossible to make new friends. 

But that's not the main issue, for the most part of my life I have had a fair few friends and people that care about me but but I have never had a real girlfriend, I've seen a few girls (very briefly) and slept with just one my whole life. It all started when I was younger, I have Aspergers syndrome (known as high functioning autism these days) and was a very strange child/teen so naturally I didn't get any girlfriends. Over the years I grew up with no experience on how to approach girls I like, how to chat them up or even how to hold a good conversation with them. So now I'm 24 years old with none of the experience or knowledge necessary to get a relationship. I'm so scared of approaching girls in real life and have no idea how, so i tried internet dating. So far I just get ignored by 90% of women I message, I do write proper messages of at least a few sentences to a paragraph with good grammar, following the same formula I imagine most people follow, I'm not just copy pasting messages to every girl I am choosing carefully. All of these girls probably get messages every day, I was stupid to think that I could be any more appealing than the other 50 guys who messaged. I have an OK job and a decent car but that's all I have going for me. Other than being genuine, emotional, caring, down to earth and easy going but obviously that's not enough. I'm not attractive, tall or well toned, I have an awkward voice and I'm so nervous on dates (on the RARE occasion that I get one) that the girls I meet must think I'm just boring or stupid. My self confidence is at rock bottom. I feel so trapped. I probably won't meet a girl in this state of mind but don't think I can escape it without some kind of passion in my life.

Thank you for taking the time to read all this.

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  • Posted

    Hi Aaron, I can appreciate how difficult life must be for you, especially not having many friends and the fact that at 24 you have only slept with one girl but at least you haven't made any mention of giving up totally which is a good thing. The fact that you have Aspergers makes it all the more difficult for you and I can only sympathise. Instead of trying to get a girlfriend at the moment why not get a penpal. I know that might sound old fashioned but at least it would get you communicating with the opposite sex and would perhaps fill some of the time you spend in your room actually doing something. You only need to google "How to find a penpal" and all sorts of sites will come up.  I'm afraid I'm not to sure about dating web-sites - you might be better putting an ad in your local paper. Don't give up though. Remember, lots of people get nervous on dates, even those that look really confident on the outside. Take care and don''t give up on yourself or on finding a girlfriend -[u] there is someone out there who will understand.[/u]
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  • Posted

    Do you have any Aspberger support groups?  Perhaps you can locate one. My nephew has Aspbergers and is about your age. His teen years were the worst with many, many difficulties. He is getting help now and is living a more stable life and has a long time girlfriend. I agree with gwen about the pen pal. But remember to take it slowly.  Our on line life moves so quickly today. Old Snail Mail required a bit of a waiting period but I believe it gave us more time to actually think about the letters we received and how best to respond.  Many, many pages of crumbled up and torn up paper in the trash, but the words, ideas and sentiments were more thoroughly thought out. Be proud of what you are accomplishing.
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  • Posted

    Thank you for the extremely fast responses, I really appreciate it. The pen pal idea sounds like a good one but I'm afraid that currently I might not have enough interesting things to write about, considering I don't get out much currently, i wouldn't want to bore my penpal to death lol. I also think I need experience talking to them in person. I have gotten quite close to girls via text in the past but it either falls apart when we meet or we never end up meeting. I've been considering finding a female to just hang out with, or joing some kind of social or sports club to make friends. Let me know what you think. Some of these quite obvious options didn't really occur to me as my mind has been quite clouded recently.
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  • Posted

    Hi Aaron, instead of joining a club, how about going along to a pub where they have music (it obviously has to be music you like). You can get yourself a drink and either sit or stand around and survey your surroundings....you can also see what sort of people are there and whether you could see yourself becoming friends with anyone. After all a male friend could lead you to girl friends elsewhere. Give it some thought. Take care.

     

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  • Posted

    Hi AaronB

    It sounds like we have a lot in common...I'm 10 years older and only got my diagnosis at the start of the year. All my Life I knew I was a bit odd but being an 80's child it was put down to E-numbers, being hyper active and to much sugar. Medical proffession was a bit slow to pick up on ASD's back then so I've derped my way through life one embarrassing situation to the next until recently I had a serious relationship go totally pear shaped leaving me in a bad way and it forced me to look for answers. Last few months have been mind blowing to say the least.

    Can I ask, do you find group social settings and such really difficult? For me one on one I can socialize just fine most of the time but in a group situation such as a busy bar or a club I get overwhelmed. The noise dosn't help either. Give me a quiet little bar any day for a night out. Loud music with lots of people and I'm screwed. It's been a while since I've been on the dating scene but what I tended to do was go to a restaurant or somewhere quiet to get to know my date first. I'd be less likely to freeze or shutdown later in the night.

    On the dating sites thing, depending which site your using you need to take into account that normally a user cant send messages unless they subscribe so don't be disapointed by the lack of reply's. Odds are most of those users can't as they haven't payed the subscription. They may not even be active accounts anymore as most sites relying on a community don't delete inactives for quite some time.(Speaking from a web forum creator/admin perspective)

    Reading your story sounded like a blast from the past for me if I'm honest but you do sound a lot more clued in than I ever was. The idea posted already about a penpal and such is a good idea. Making new friends is always good. I think you would do better if you worry less about finding a date and just live life. Make new friends, reconnect with old friends, go out and you may find a date finds you. You should also consider that it's when we're looking the hardest when it's hardest to find what we're looking for. 

    Take care and thanks again for posting this

    D

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  • Posted

    Perhaps you can convince you non so outgoing friends to back you up and be your wing man for support for what you are trying to do. It would probably do them some good as well. Go someplace you find interesting, that alone should give you some starter conversation without having to force something out.  Who ever else is there most likely has the same interest and isn't that a much easier way to start a conversation when you already know at least one thing the other person is interested in? Go out, take a deep breath, throw back your shoulders and hold your head high with pride. You already have friends here who want to help in any way we can, and will be here for you if you think you can't or that you've failed and we'll here for you to celebrate your victories.
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  • Posted

    Hey, just wondered what sort of things you're into? If you are really into something or have a particular passion, you could look for groups / clubs near you about that thing. I'm guessing it's easier to talk to people about something you're confident in and when the interest is shared it's much easier too!

    I agree with previous posts that if you "look" for a relationship, it's often harder to find. Trust me on that one, I'm 33 year old single mum and it's just not happening!!! So, Much better to focus first on finding less challenging ways to socialise, which would hopefully get you talking to people and boost your confidence. Things can then happen organically from there because you should hopefully start to feel better.

    Do you go to any Aspergers support / social groups or is that something you would avoid? It can be comforting to be around people who understand your difficulties as they too would be facing many of the same. Sometimes just being able to feel okay to be yourself can be a relief. I'm guessing when you're in social situations, you become aware of things you're saying / doing that may come across weird??? Only reason I say that is because my son has high functioning autism and from as early as 3 years old, he has been aware of his differences and tried to control them. That's the thing with aspergers and HF autism, it's a double edge sword. You're smart enough to adapt your behaviours to suit different situations but then also ever so aware of them all the time which can seriously damage self esteem. My son is only 9 years old by the way! But I often think about this stuff all the time and how he's gonna be when he's older. Which is why I felt the need to respond to you.

    I hope I haven't sounded patronising at all and I'm fully aware that I have waffled on and not really given any constructive advice but hey, sometimes it's good to just say whatever you're thinking. Plus, it's nice to know people get it.

    Good luck and check back in so we know how you're feeling about stuff.

    ....

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  • Posted

    Hi!  Please don't put yourself down!  I'm sure your as good as anyone else!  I'm afraid that when you've got a disability of some kind, it makes it that bit harder!  Maybe you could join some kind of group!  I'm sure there's someone out there for you!  Don't give up!  I'm totally blind, and have a wonderful husband. Looks aren't everything, its what's inside that counts!  Hope you find someone as kind as yourself soon. Good luck, and keep us informed.  Val.
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  • Posted

    The amount of replies alone makes me feel a little better, you guys seem to have a great community here! Not sure I can answer all of your questions at once. Social situations aren't actually too difficult, many people are suprised I have aspergers when they find out, I don't think its a particuarly bad case of it. The only social situations I find awkward are approaching strangers to socialize when I'm on my own and meeting someone in person for the first time. Clubs and concerts do not bother me, I don't really get "overwhelmed". As for what I am into, mostly computer games but recently even they don't seem so fun anymore unless I'm playing something I haven't played before. I was mad on games when I was a kid and could play them over and over but I guess I'm growing out of them a bit. I should have mentioned this in the initial post but I do smoke some weed, which is why for years I was contempt just sitting around playing games and that's a part of the reason I got into the habbit of being a hermit. But it was fine for ages because I used to have my friends come over and visit every day, like literally every day, I used to have to ask them to give me a day break every now and again lol. Getting back to the point I have cut my cannabis consumption in half a few months ago in an attempt to clear my mind a bit. Smoking it less has caused me to be bored more often and boredom can cause all the negative thoughts to surface but dealing with them is better for my head than just smoking more weed. I was able to cut down by half on a whim and I can refrain from buying it even when I have spare money so I feel like I have a lot more control of the addiction now. I'm not sure I'm ready to completely give it up just yet. It helps me get through the weekends, when I'm not working all day I currently get INSANELY bored. 

    Thanks for all the great replies and let me know what you think.

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    • Posted

      After reading my own post I believe I may be smoking cannabis mostly to alleviate boredom rather than because "I need it". Of course that's not to say I'm not addicted, I just don't believe that the addiction has that much of a hold over me any more.
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    • Posted

      If Prince Charming sat in the dungeon all the time smoking weed and playing games I think he would feel a bit like a troll by the time he came out for air. You know the saying Boring people get bored. Find something outside that interests you and start doing it. Perhaps it will be a hobby that you can grow with it. It is always more interesting when you reach a certain point in a hobby and you realize you ready for the next bigger thing along that line. That's where your addictive personality can be very helpful.  You will want to get out and do it on your days off, you could meet other people interested in the same thing so there is always something to talk about. Through those people you meet other people and who knows maybe one day your Princess will be among those people.
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    • Posted

      Hi Erren! Your on the right track! If you cut it down gradually, then it won't seem so bad, and you'll be able to stop taking it altogether! Keep going, and you'll get there!  I've every confidence in you!  Val.
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  • Posted

    Hey, try going along to your local community centre, you could always volenteer as a helper in evening or weekends, it would get you out if your room and you would meet plenty of new people there, its not all oldies there lol although they do love setting people up! You will be anle to speak to over women there ( non romanticly) and gain the confidence you need smile you sound like a very sweet guy im sure any girl would be lucky to have you smile

    Stacey x

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