looking for help please

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I just registered for this site bc I am completely overwhelmed & dont know what to do. My BF is an alcoholic when I met him a year and a half ago I had no idea ... Thru A LOT  of love time and support I got him to a three month excellent rehab out of state dualDiagnostic etc he did amazingly well only to start drinking horribly again after all the education that cost him tens of thousands of dollars the fourth month before he came home ... He finally came home through my help and was detoxed at home  he was again off alcohol for a month only to start again a month later ... It has not stopped . I am SICK worried don't know what to do his family has turned their back on him - I can't let him stay with me cuz I've tried I've have done it before  but I worry I won't know what to do when he starts shaking or gets sick ... I love him goes without saying and have and will do ANYTHING to help. But he can't stay with me. spo the last time he was detoxed about a month ago i took hinm to a hotel -  I Am worried sick cuz in the last two weeks since i have seen him -  he has said I'm selfish cuz he's spending so much money on hotels and although I know I'm the farthest thing from selfish I can understand why he feels this way but i have tried the scenario of his living with me and he just continues on the same destructive path -he needs professional help   . The last time I saw him was two weeks ago now from us being together pratically every day, nornign and night - this is heartbreaking.  I keep hearing the same thing from him that I'm selfish that I'll die alone cuz I'm selfish calling me everything you can imagine ... I never say anything mean back only lift him up with positives and every day try to suggest to him that we go to yet another detox then Rehab ...  he said he wanted to see me in the last couple of weeks  but he was drinking and I just couldn't do it for my sanity so I told him I was working which was true ... Now in the past day and a half he's gone from  text maybe 3 a day (from being together all the time )   and now nasty vile vulgar texts to me and about me two days ago  ... It is a complete switch so I don't know where he is for the first time since ive known him - he has sent me videos of himslef and he looks horrible pale white and so drunk its awful .. I am at the brink of tears every day and am so worried .. I do not like Al anon at all there's no discussion there only talking and then a "thank you for sharing" it's not for me. Please please please give me guidance I am desperate what to do why has  gone from a million texts a day to hardly anything ... Is it becuz i  have been askign him to go to detox and he doesnt want to hear it  and so he is pushing me away becuz i represnt sanity and the "right thing" - or is it beciz i havent said yes yet agin to his living with me which is what he seems to be so angry about - he wont stop bringing it up =  I HAD TO take a break cuz my mental health was at risk not to mention all the time I have missed with my Work I was at risk of losing everything .Will he regret hwo he is treating me when and if he sobers up - is my staying away smear or will he resent me for it - He always spoke of getting married and we were the perfect couple - . Please respond

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  • Posted

    Hi

    I really feel for you and the situation. I am someone who has a problem with alcohol and unfortunately your BF doesn't sound as though he has admitted to himself that his drinking is a problem and truly accepted it.

    It is well kown that this problem doesn't go away overnight and it may take a few attempts at detox. I'm a great believer in getting to the bottom of what started the problem in the first place. I myself know what started my drinking although I still have to find a way to put it behind me. Maybe your BF needs to talk to a counsellor.

    Maybe you could do with talking to someone yourself and using this site is a good way of venting your fears and anxieties. Seeing other peoples point of views from both sides can be quite therapeutic.

    There's always someone around to speak to I wish you luck and your BF is very lucky to have a friend that worries so much for them. Maybe you could get them to register for this site they may benefit from it.

    Thinking of you.

    Sandie

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    • Posted

      Sandie thank you so much for this and for caring ... This has been so hard for me I am literally living hour by hour trying to get by becuz I have no idea why all of a sudden he is become so angry with me . I know he's an alcoholic but what I don't understand is the change from reaching out for me to saying the most hateful things to me ! It's as if I never existed in his life as if he could care LESS about me .. Will he come around and realize how badly he's behaving and the horrible way he's hurting me? Thank you agin and God bless you
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  • Posted

    Hi Quadrillion , first off you cannot "fix" your BF only he can make the decision to quit - he certainly does not seem to want to do this right now- rehab is a waste of time unless the addict goes for the right reason - FOR THEMSEVES - addiction is a really selfish disease - alcoholics/drug addicts lie,cheat,steal and manipulate everybody around them to get what they want ( i have done all of the above) the alcohol will always come first, when he is drinking- that is all that matters to him -where is the next drink coming from -

      you have some hard decisions to make- sorry but there is no road map or easy way to deal with this situation - the name calling and abuse are typical, when an alcoholic doesent get his way- it will always be all about him- when he is drinking-

     relapse is a very common occurence for alcoholics, it can happen anytime- getting sober is relatively easy- staying sober is the real hard bit- i went through many years of relapse before i stayed sober for any length of time-

      you need to start looking out for yourself - now for the ugly bit- do you want to live like this, you will never know when he may relapse- never know when you will be let down- what happens if you have kids - the world of addiction is full of pain and the ones who get hurt the most are always those that are closest to the addict- do you really want to live like this- sorry but there is no point in trying to sugar coat it - i have been sober for ten years, but i still have to work everyday at it and have come close to relapse many times - you get no gaurentees with addiction - 

       my honest advice, you cannot trust him until he has demonstrated to you he has done something about his drinking over a sustained period of time (months, not weeks) and is commited to working at staying sober - meanwhile you need to concentrate on looking after YOU - remember you are not responsible for his addiction or his recovery - DO NOT LET HIM MANIPULATE YOU INTO FEELING GUILTY ABOUT HIS SITUATION - HE IS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS ACTIONS AND MUST LEARN TO LIVE WITH THE CONSEQUENCES- you have to be realistic - look after you and your future - his future is in his own hands- he must make the choice to get help and stop drinking - i wish you all the best -

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    • Posted

      I cannot tell you what it means to me that U would take the time to write all of this advice. I thank you from the bottom of my heart also that u read my post. I am so heartbroken and I feel like yes he is trying to make me feel bad for not saying "yes" to his moving into my home again but it would be the same horrible path he needs help - professional help- and I feel after EVERYTHING I have done to watch out for him to care for him he has focused in on this one thing - the fact I've said no to living with me- it's impossible to think it would work ive tried twice and the last time no sooner did he come out of detox he was drinking within days it was horrible .. The first rehab he was doing great and stayed sober for three months but fell off in the fourth month. What I do t understand is his anger towards me ?? Just a week ago he was calling me to say how much he missed me and at least wasn't being cruel vile and vulgar the texts he sent me this past Friday anyone else would walk away - I maintained love towards him not bc I'm a doormat but bc I have compassion for him. Can you explain his anger towards me? I have not been in touch with him since our last exchange on Friday I typically let him reach out .. He texted me this past Sunday saying something to make fun of me being alone ... He's being nasty I didn't respond . This is a man whose entire family adores me. He talks about getting married all the time blv me when he is not drinking he's a completely different sweet thoughtful considerate kind amazing man. Will he regret what he's done and said to me? Will he look for me when he realizes I'm staying to myself ? Or will the fact I haven't allowed him to move in again be the thing he want let go of ! Or is that just a manipulation tactic?

      Thank you so much again for your help your thoughtfulness and everything I am a mess and reading your post helps me more than u could ever know xo

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    • Posted

      Hi it's me again would you be able to look at some of my messages to Paul and Deirdre below and suggest help I don't really know what to do its 4 am and I have to be up at 6 am and I don't know how to write on this as a general post as opposed to a reply to each ? I appreciate your help and suggestions and would appreciate any more advice. Thank you
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  • Posted

    While I don't disagree with the comments from Sandie and pmcg, I do have something different to say.

    You (and your boyfriend) have been taken in (the the vast majority of the population) that this is a behaviour disorder and all his fault. In Rehab, he will have had to go through standing up and admitting his shame and guilt about what he has put other people through.

    Now, imagine for just one minute that alcohol addiction was a physical illness and is no more his fault than if he had cancer. Now imagine cancer sufferers being made to stand up and talk about what terrible people they were for having cancer.

    I am going to send you a link to a page on my website which explains that people who become addicted to alcohol do so because their body reacts differently to alcohol than the bodies of people who manage to control their drinking. It is a physiological differenceand it is not the fault of those people who get into difficulty.

    I know that it is hell for you to deal with but it would perhaps be easier if you knew about the recent research which makes it clear that alcohol problems have been treated the wrong way for many years. It would also be easier for him if he had an explanation which made him understand why he does what he does.

    There IS a treatment method available which has a 78% success rate compared to less than 10% success rate with traditional rehab. It is called The Sinclair Method. You will find plenty of stuff about it on this forum and also about Nalmefene and Naltrexone, the drugs used with this treatment method.

    Good luck Quadrillion. I really hope that you and your boyfriend find a positive way forward. Look at the private message I have sent you too.

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    • Posted

      Paul THANK YOU ! I am going to look up Sinclair ! I do not know how to find my private message I am very new to this site. I also agree with you becuz so many of his family members are "mad" at him and I understand they've endured this much longer than me but no matter what I could never be mad at him only that I feel horrible that He Is going thru this now alone! I never planned on not being there for him it just seems that in the last two weeks it all unraveled like that ..; he came out of detox I picked him up and brought him to a hotel ..( his family kicked him out he had been staying with them till recently and mostly with me) but I brought him to a hotel becuz I KNEW he couldn't stay with me it WASNT WORKING ... In not sure if I can even reach out to him with advice becuz he is so mad at me .. His last text was vile horrible and even though I responded to him with love and that o believe in him every time I look at his text it makes me not want to respond to him until he says something nice or apologizes either /or in order for me to even try to be nice ... I'm not mad becuz of his disease but I am upset that he would take all my offers to help him and be so conokrtky cruel!!

      From your point of view will he come around and feel bad for how'd he treated me or not? Thank you so very much for all the time you put into writing me ... If I could tell me how to find private messages it would help thank you Quadrilliom

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    • Posted

      At the top right of this page, you will see your name and under that is your points and a link to your 'Messages.'

      I believe that if you could tell him that you know it is not his fault and that you want to help him sort things out, he may feel less frustrated. I am not blaming YOU for how you have reacted but his feeling will be that NOBODY understands and that is why he hits out in anger. Try not to be too upset by it. I'm sure he doesn't mean to hurt you, he is just struggling badly.

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    • Posted

      Paul thank you for your suggestion and for your insight. I have repeatedly told him that I know this is not his fault it is actually the exact wording I used he just does not want to hear it as a matter of fact the more I texted or told him this the more he would pull away ... Or he would send me links to psychiatrist web sites and lash out to tell me to get counseling ... Blv be with what I've been enduring with all of this I sure do need counseling... The more u persisted saying I would get him abd that I had all the resources lined up the more he would reply that I was selfish that if I truly cares I would of let him stay with me and live with me BUT like I said I tried that and it just continued down the sabe destructive path it's been on.. He has plenty of money to stay in hotel but for him he said there is no way that I found justify my stance of not letting him live here with me and he made it into some stalemate as if I was all if a sudden a rotten uncaring person when blv me Paul I have been there for him for EVERYTHING for everything he needed and supported him thru it ALL. In light of what ive told you and considering the fact I hAvevt heard from him since his last nasty texts of Friday -4 days ago- (with the exception of one text this past Sunday when he sent me one very short text that said "how's the cats lmfao" which was his way of reinforcing his repeated saying to me that I'll die alone with my two cats) i have not heard from him since that text of Sunday which btw I did not reply.. The last text I sent him on Friday was that I still believe in him and that I know he's stronger than this and that I know he can do it . I've told him repeatedly in previous mags that I am here and will together with him take the steps he needs to get back to who the real and perfect person he is always letting him know how truly wonderful he is and that o know he wants it too and that he can do this and that I'm here to help ... Yet I know what he's thinking and that is if I truly cared and loved him he would be living with me! This is terrible cuz I don't know what to say can you suggest what I can write to him please now knowing I have been supportive and also knowing what his responses have been ? I do not want to lose him. Is this something he will regret? Will he come around and look for me like that brief text on Sunday although it was meant to taunt me about my cats it was his way of trying to initiate contact I know it was but I didn't reply becuz the things he said the friday before that were horrible and I had responded to those with kind words. I so appreciate any advice you can offer me as to what to say or text him that might work re helping h him and re my stance on his not living with me and my decision that it's not that I don't love him but it's because I want him to get the help he needs please help me with how to word this to him so he'll understand I havent abandon him thank you so very much !!!
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    • Posted

      Paul I just re read my message to you and becuz its so late there areant typos I am sorry I should of fixed them but I believe you will get the gist of what I was saying. Also if you could possibly look at my message to Deirdre becuz it touches upon what I'm feeling in a different way. That's only if you have the time I am thankful to the time you have taken to reach out to help me. I am so scared I've lost him from my life and cannot believe that if someone said this would be happening two weeks ago I would of laughed , that is how close he and I were - we were inseparable ! How can he go from adoring me to nothing just becuz I didn't comply yet again to him living with me ? It IS THE THING that has made him turn -so to speak - on me - that and of course the alcohol ... But deep down I always feel like he should when he is by himself be missing me and regretful for how and what he said to me last. Btw I believe he is now staying with a few people who I am assuming are drinkers also but I do not know really what his living situation is the last o knew was a week ago where he was staying in a hotel but as of last Friday I not sure exactky where he is living. thabk you again
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    • Posted

      Thank you for posting this. I lost my partner of 16 years just 10 weeks ago due to Alcohol and hospital ignorance/mismanagement. I have been terribly overwrought by all sorts of questions about how I responded, what I should or should not have done, endless guilt and regret. It was terribly hard to get help and in the end it was in fact involuntary manslaughter that killed him. He wanted to completely stop and I/we tried for days to get him into a hospital/detox programme. Unfortunately, we were sent to one of the worst places ever. They made him go cold turkey without telling us in advance. I never would have left him there if I had known. He was basically ignored by the staff even though he repeatedly asked for help, he was sent back to his shared room on the 4th floor with no window locks or bars, over and over. He had been an alcoholic for 30 years yet the hospital did not ask one question about his medical or alcohol history. It has turned my life up side down from one moment to the next. I am also convinced it is a physiological and psychological illness that is terribly complex, yet so wide spread. I have been so angry that he was treated as some kind of "bad boy". I have also very much questioned the line of "tough love" and respondeing as if they are guilty of something and can exercise control over their illness. I wish we had known about the Sinclair method - He was convinced that it was neurological, as it tends to run in his family. 
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    • Posted

      I am so sorry you and your partner went through this horrendous abuse from the people who were supposed to help him, Dembrandt.

      While a lot of people with alcohol problems have psychological issues, I believe that a lot of these are caused by them being blamed for something which was always outside their control. Who wouldn't struggle psychologically if they had a physical illness that they were repeatedly told was their fault and that they are a bad person?

      Any treatment facility that makes a person stop drinking without medical assistance (detox) should be reported. Alcohol withdrawal is a seriously dangerous condition and can kill people. To expect a person to go through it, even if the withdrawal itself doesn't kill them, is cruel and barbaric. Sue them!

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    • Posted

      Thanks so much for your response. 

      Actually I have a physical condition I was born with and as a child was always made to feel it was my fault and esentially happened because I must be a bad person. So, I know all about it. I think the main difference then is probably that my survival instinct was strong and his was not.

      I've been to 3 medical laywers who tell me it is extremely difficult, draws out the pain over years and in the end I would get a miserable 5,000 euros in the hand. I may still do this. But the press is interested and when I am through the next set of tasks (all inherited by this sudden death of the man I loved), I am going to attend to that. People need to know about this. That hospital continues every day to admit patients. The public authorites dropped their criminal investigation, without even interviewing me or the doctors involved, and, simply to have the file closed, summed it up as suicide! I cannot tell you how painful that is. I know from the police report that he was in delerium, having other withdrawal symptoms, and also was disliked by the male patient sharing the room. All the ignorance about addiction and alcoholism makes all of it even harder. The authorites also have a miserable attitude with one counciling service telling me it was "his fault" for being an alcoholic. I now have some good contacts to the press and it won't stop there. He was a very unique and brilliant man - fluent in 8 languages. He was also supporting me financially in recent years. From one moment to the next my whole life is dramatically altered. There is more to say about how one goes about the daily life of living with someone who is an alcoholic. I am astonished that so little seems to be known yet it is such a widely spread illness.

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    • Posted

      It's a scandal that the evidence is there to support this being a physical illness, yet medical professionals treat those suffering with it so badly. Also that even the legal system considers them, somehow, less deserving of justice.

      Give it a few years when the world wakes up to the truth and the awful treatment of people with alcohol issues is looked back on (and the fact that so many businesses made massive amounts of money from treatment methods that had appalling success rates), a LOT of people will be appalled at their previous misjudgement.

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    • Posted

      Can you give me some references, links or posts for this evidence? I'd really like to be better informed. Too many people's lives are being harmed by this awful ignorance and medieval attutide.
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