1. Community
  2. Mental health
  3. Alcohol Consumption

looking for help please

Posted , 9 users are following.

quadrillion
quadrillion

I just registered for this site bc I am completely overwhelmed & dont know what to do. My BF is an alcoholic when I met him a year and a half ago I had no idea ... Thru A LOT  of love time and support I got him to a three month excellent rehab out of state dualDiagnostic etc he did amazingly well only to start drinking horribly again after all the education that cost him tens of thousands of dollars the fourth month before he came home ... He finally came home through my help and was detoxed at home  he was again off alcohol for a month only to start again a month later ... It has not stopped . I am SICK worried don't know what to do his family has turned their back on him - I can't let him stay with me cuz I've tried I've have done it before  but I worry I won't know what to do when he starts shaking or gets sick ... I love him goes without saying and have and will do ANYTHING to help. But he can't stay with me. spo the last time he was detoxed about a month ago i took hinm to a hotel -  I Am worried sick cuz in the last two weeks since i have seen him -  he has said I'm selfish cuz he's spending so much money on hotels and although I know I'm the farthest thing from selfish I can understand why he feels this way but i have tried the scenario of his living with me and he just continues on the same destructive path -he needs professional help   . The last time I saw him was two weeks ago now from us being together pratically every day, nornign and night - this is heartbreaking.  I keep hearing the same thing from him that I'm selfish that I'll die alone cuz I'm selfish calling me everything you can imagine ... I never say anything mean back only lift him up with positives and every day try to suggest to him that we go to yet another detox then Rehab ...  he said he wanted to see me in the last couple of weeks  but he was drinking and I just couldn't do it for my sanity so I told him I was working which was true ... Now in the past day and a half he's gone from  text maybe 3 a day (from being together all the time )   and now nasty vile vulgar texts to me and about me two days ago  ... It is a complete switch so I don't know where he is for the first time since ive known him - he has sent me videos of himslef and he looks horrible pale white and so drunk its awful .. I am at the brink of tears every day and am so worried .. I do not like Al anon at all there's no discussion there only talking and then a "thank you for sharing" it's not for me. Please please please give me guidance I am desperate what to do why has  gone from a million texts a day to hardly anything ... Is it becuz i  have been askign him to go to detox and he doesnt want to hear it  and so he is pushing me away becuz i represnt sanity and the "right thing" - or is it beciz i havent said yes yet agin to his living with me which is what he seems to be so angry about - he wont stop bringing it up =  I HAD TO take a break cuz my mental health was at risk not to mention all the time I have missed with my Work I was at risk of losing everything .Will he regret hwo he is treating me when and if he sobers up - is my staying away smear or will he resent me for it - He always spoke of getting married and we were the perfect couple - . Please respond

3 likes, 113 replies

113 Replies

Prev Next
  • deirdre._03652
    deirdre._03652 quadrillion

    Posted

    Hi young lady...Paul always gives excellent advice and support as he is a special alcohol worker....

    It is a truly terrifying addiction, it took me many, many. Too many to count..attempts at giving up, I was sectioned into a mental health hospital four times,...it took 12 yrs but I managed it....

    He will be terrified of how out of control. He is, also terrified of having to cope without any drink....

    He will feel ashamed, useless, ugly, hateful and so many other things, but the overwhelming emotion is terror !! Honestly, I have been there....please don't give up on him, he is lashing out through self loathing....and disgust....

    It can be done, I have been sober for nearly 13 yrs....on the way though, I had many, many many slips...

    He will need your support and caring, because he will want to hide away...he probably has health problems also...but these improve also....it would help if he was hospitalized.....

    I truly xx TRULY WISH YOU BOTH WELL...GOOD, LUCK..DEIRDRE XXX🌸

    • quadrillion
      quadrillion deirdre._03652

      Posted

      Deidre first thank you! Here it is almost 4 in the morning and I can't sleep. From us being inseparable to not talking ! This is just terrible and I completely agree w you that he is scared that he hates who he is when he drinks that it is self loathing etc .. And I have tried over & over & over this time to tell him I believe in him that I am here for him and will take him to a detox and a rehab whenever he wants as of this past Friday I asked if I could get him and he was just horrible in his responses and the things he said in text to me it was as if he never even loved me and I Know He is scared and this is not about me but what do I do now? He told me to lose his number ! This is a man that I was with day and night and knew everything about including his innermost fears and hopes and dreams so this is why this is so difficult . On the one hand I realize he is lashing out but on the other if he really loved me or if I meant anything to him would he really be capable of saying such horrible mean cruel and vulgar things to and about me? To be clear I am NOT angry and I so want to send him a message but I don't want to set myself up to be crushed because BLV me I have tried and tried and although he's been lashing out I have been nothing but supportive .. If you could suggest or if Paul above could suggest what I COUKD write to him it would be so helpful , this is making me sick and I am not able to sleep or really eat I heartsick I love him so much but feel he's just forgotten about me . Does that happen can he just forget about me becuz the alcohol has taken over so much he doesn't want to hear the words detox and rehab? So he's staying away or is it that he wasn't able to manipulate me into letting him live with me? It was something I tried and it just didn't work ... Please reply please suggest what I should say ...
    • PaulJTurner1964
      PaulJTurner1964 quadrillion

      Posted

      The big issue for somebody in his position is the pressure that is being applied. They have their body giving them hell for the next drink and then they have the people who care on their back about not drinking. As you say, they lash out. No matter how supportive you have been, he will see you like he sees everybody else, as being in the way of what he feels he needs to do (drink). I have seen many people who are madly in love with a person push that person aside when alcohol is dominating their thoughts.

      The best thing you can do is send a message saying that you understand that what is happening is not something he chose to suffer. Say that you are there if he needs you to be, that you will help him find a solution if he wants you to. Tell him you have more understanding of his condition now after doing somne reading online and that you have seen some modern treatment options that could potentially allow him to drink in a controlled way, rather than having to totally abstain forever.

      Then leave that with him, telling him you will contact him from time to time to see if he is ok, but that you don't want to impose on him so will mainly leave it to him to make contact if he wants to.

      I know it's very difficult but this is typical of a person in trouble with alcohol. They can isolate themselves with their drink and push everybody else away. Try not to take it personally. I know it's difficult, but it is typical of addiction.

      As I said before, people with this sort of problem would be less like this if they hadn't been bombarded with the message (from family, health professionals and society in general) that the whole situation is their own fault and that they deserve to be in trouble. It's really time attitudes changed.

      He's lucky to have a person like you who loves him regardless of his difficult behaviour.

    • quadrillion
      quadrillion PaulJTurner1964

      Posted

      Paul omg thank you at this late hour to reply ! One thing is I have not been texting or calling him in these last two weeks ( which btw is the length of time it's been since this all went sideways) I have only been responding to his texts or answering his calls but not initiating anything and that's not because I don't love him it's only because I DO T want to bombard him - to use your phrasing - becuz I know his family has cut him out of their lives and may be - I don't know - but may be sending thoughtless texts to him - and that breaks my heart. He didn't ask to have this disease and I know done get angry thinking he has a choice . I have also repeatedly told him it's not his fault but he does have accountability to himself to who the true "he" is to love himself and realize how worth it he is to look to the light ... When he is with me he cries cuz I know o touch a chord in him ... This is so devastating. I will send him a text along the lines of what you suggested . I am so afraid he will lash out . What do I do if he tries to hurt me and mention the fact - which he seems to be stuck on - I didn't let him stay with me? And what if he tries to say cruel things or insinuate that he is with other people now and doesn't need me - he is being nasty and truthfully I'm afraid of his devastating me with his words. thank you !!
    • quadrillion
      quadrillion PaulJTurner1964

      Posted

      Paul sorry just wanted to know will he finally come around will he reach a point when he wants to stop where he comes looking abd reaching out to me ? This is all so new to me?
    • quadrillion
      quadrillion PaulJTurner1964

      Posted

      Paul if he replies to me with nastiness yet again when I text him - that I know he didn't choose this for himself and that I'm here for him - and he tells me to F off and to get lost and to lose his number - do I then reply or stay silent ? Cuz essentially for the two weeks this has been in the situation where he's not living woth me the entire first week I kept telling him I would take him when he was ready to rehab and that I believed in him ... And for the last week bridge this past Friday I was offering to get him to help take the steps "together" and all I got was nastiness this last try it was horrible ... So if I try saying something like this again what do I do if he responds even nastier .? I can't hug him like Deidre suggested cuz I don't even know where he is now. We were insepeerable and now I have no idea where he is .. I do feel so lost like Deidre described it is lost and beside myself ...
    • PaulJTurner1964
      PaulJTurner1964 quadrillion

      Posted

      Best thing, if he doesn't immediately accept your offer to be there for him, is to say 'well, if you change your mind....' and then back off with just occasional messages asking if he is ok.

      Even if YOU have not blamed him, he probably blames himself and there are many examples of people pushing others away because they feel bad about themselves, they can be quite cruel in doing this.

    • quadrillion
      quadrillion PaulJTurner1964

      Posted

      I know this first hand becuz this past week all of that cruelness came out. But beneath anger is fear most the times and is why I can't give up. But he has to want this too or I'm wasting my time and his. If I bring him to another rehab or detox this will become cyclical and never ending loop. The patient listens when he wants to "hear". I am honestly afraid to text him becuz what he said last was so hurtful .. And I did then respond with kindness and love ... I feel as if he deep down knows after all of what ive shown him to be that I am here always for him .
    • Louisaluvsrio
      Louisaluvsrio deirdre._03652

      Posted

      Hello Deirdre

      I replied to you because I can identify.

      I have been sober 15 years and Deirdre do you hate alcohol now?

      Because I do.

  • deirdre._03652
    deirdre._03652 quadrillion

    Posted

    HI quadrillion, oh bless you my lovey..xx

    Paul has given absolutely great advice....I am sure that he feels as cornered as you feel lost xx try to keep your faith and spirits up

    ..as an alcohol I found one of the worst things was being watched when I drank...EVERY MOUTHFUL...I used to feel so horrendous inside that one evening I had literally run to the nearest shop to by half a bottle of vodka....I suddenly panicked and ran off....hours later when I sneaked AROUND the corner....THE POLICE WERE THERE....ALSO MY WONDERFUL BIG BRO..HAD COME FROM COVENTRY...( miles away. ) TO HELP SEARCH FOR ME..

    THE POLICE HAD TO SEE ME TO FIND THE REASON WHY I HAD GONE ( in case I was being abused. ) and everyone was crying...I totally wished at that point that I had committed suicide

    ..I had hurt so many people...

    It must be so very very hard for you LOVEY..xx

    I can think of a.couple of things that MAY HELP YOU BOTH...

    1) could you ask people to back.off a little....as you truly do feel cornered... and just support him instead with a measure of understanding...

    2) could you try very hard not to watch him drinking, my god some of the places I hid it..AND DRANK IT....IT makes you FEEL ,LIKE YOU HAVE JUST CRAWLED OUT FROM UNDER A STONE...

    just make sure that he knows just how much you love him and that your main worry is his health...

    When you are drinking you feel very. Very, very fragile emotionally. And a big lovely hug, lots of them..makes a huge difference...

    You sound like a LOVELY, lovely person with a very loving heart and soul..xxx just keep being there for him quietly and lovingly...

    Also..PLEASE PROMISE THAT YOU WILL LOOK AFTER YOURSELF....YOU ARE VERY IMPORTANT TO MANY PEOPLE...WHO WOULD MISS YOU SOOOO MUCH, IF ANYTHING HAPPENED TO YOU....

    I wish you so much love and happiness lovey...you are in my thoughts and prayers...take care of yourself my love...also your partner......hugs..DEIRDRE x xX💟

    • quadrillion
      quadrillion deirdre._03652

      Posted

      Deidre thank you for your perspective it is a perspective that many others who love an alcoholic should always keep uppermost in their mind ... It is so easy to get mad at the alcoholic as if they are doing it and drinking simply because they want to which could not be farther from the truth ! It is a demon that takes hold and it must be terrifying I have considered all of this and the connection that the hiding the alcohol or trying to hide it "dilute it" so it appears to be juice must be part of the shame and embarrassment .. Many times I have told him "I know you're drinking and it's okay " and then would go on to say " well it's not okay becuz I'm worried about you and I love you" but would then suggest detox or rehab and he would go along and make the calls to get a bed ... But since I haven't had him living with me the entire scenario has changed flDeidre and I don't know what to do or say or text him .. If you read some of my other posts on this conversation my struggle is that he's said some nasty vile things to me and now I'm not sure if I leave it and let him search me out (it's been two days ) or text him to say something?
    • quadrillion
      quadrillion

      Posted

      Deidre one other thing do you feel he will eventually come around and look for me or have I lost him forever? Will his resentment that I haven't said yes to his living with me supercede in his mind EVERYTHING in the world I've been thru with him?
    • quadrillion
      quadrillion deirdre._03652

      Posted

      Deidre he is not living with me for the past two weeks and is one of the biggest reasons he is do angry with me he says I'm selfish which I Know I am not of you knew me but that is how he feels and I am afraid becuz of that he doesn't love me anymore .. This is a man who wanted to get married and now here I am .. First things first though ... What do I do?
    • Louisaluvsrio
      Louisaluvsrio quadrillion

      Posted

      Hi

       I think alcohol is evil. It made me crazy and I would end up in a police cell with no recollection of the journey

      I was working for a psycopath and he began to sexually assault me so I stopped.

      You said about nasty, vile things your boyfriend said.

      He phoned me and said 'I was raving mad' AND another message was 'why don't you answer my calls you utter vermin'.

Back to top
Prev Next

Report or request deletion

Thanks for your help!

We want the community to be a useful resource for our users but it is important to remember that the community are not moderated or reviewed by doctors and so you should not rely on opinions or advice given by other users in respect of any healthcare matters. Always speak to your doctor before acting and in cases of emergency seek appropriate medical assistance immediately. Use of the community is subject to our Terms of Use and Privacy Policy and steps will be taken to remove posts identified as being in breach of those terms.