looking for help please

I would agree with that pmcg. The way I say it is:

'It is not your fault you have this condition, but it IS your responsibility to find a solution if you want your life to be better.'

Hi pmcg thank you so much. I look to your advice becuz you have been there I ALWAYS try to put myself in someone else's place to feel how they might be feeling. My heart breaks for him and I want to take him away from his pain but the more I've tried to say "im here or I believe in you or we can do this together" the more annoyed he gets with me and lashes out and tells me I need help . He will NOT get off of the fact I said no to his living with me . Everything else I've done all the love & support caring and work is out the window he can only say now I'm selfish bcuz I didn't say yes to his living with me. Do I get in touch with him or let him be in touch with me. Last I did last Friday in a text he was horribly nasty. What do i do or say or should I just lay low and let him come around? Do alcoholics forget the person they love this easily?

Pmcg I just replied to you below by accident in Paul's spot I don't know how to copy and paste can u look at it and give me advice?

Pmcg I just responded to Paul by accident it's below would u please take a look and help me when u have a chance? Thank you

Hi pmcg I'll try to keep this short I would love ur advice I have now been hearing from my BF since Saturday thru text - he is now being nice and really not lashing out - he's been telling me he misses me he's been sending all kinds of loving texts - I've been replying letting him know I miss him too.

Then this morning at 4:30 am more loving texts from him and I replied but to make a very long story short out of the blue he tells me he found a place to live and then says that he doesn't want anyone to be with him only to then switch back to saying he missed me then back to saying he's " got my number " and that " I left him" which is NOT true ... I told him so- I said I never left you - you checked out.

He kept saying " I'm not a fool baby " as if there's something he thinks about me that ive done I have NO idea of .. I told him not to talk cryptic that I was being real then he joked around and ended again saying he missed me again . He kept saying " I'm like all the rest" when he knows that is not true .. He said he had to find a home becuz I left him which is also not true. The fact he kept saying "I'm not a fool baby" I have no idea what he means . He's puttin ME on the defensive but then turns around and is all sweet his emotions are all over the place .

Do u have any clue what's going on ? If he truly wants to be alone and wants no one at his new place than why is he even in touch? It's not like I'm reaching out - blv me I miss him so much and love him I just feel like I'm walking on eggshells - I've taken your advice and have been laying low. What is on his mind when he says I'm not a fool ? I'm completely confused ..

Thank you for any insight you can offer me

Hi Quadrillion -

   i would be worried about the fact he was texting you at 4.30 am - also the way his texta are not exactly consistant or rational, was he drinking ? - i can only tell you how it was for me - when i was drinking i used to be paranoid about my girlfriend going off with someone else- the fact that i had nothing to base this on, she was really great towards me- but it didnt stop me thinking like this - my thinking was really crazy - from what you have told me he sounds like someone that is not thinking straight- mood swings are pretty common when drinking-- again it is hard for me to interpret what is going on- not knowing him- i can only base it on what i used to be like - so i could be wide of the mark- is he still living in the hotel - as to blaming you for leving him- again that would be typical, if he convinces himself that he has been wronged it gives him a good excuse to feel sorry for himself and to continue drinking- again this is based on how i used to behave and manipulate every situation to justify my continued drinking - it makes it easy to carry on drinking when you convince yourself the whole world is against you and nobody cares- crazy i know- but as i said before, we dont think like other people- all i would say is be careful about believing anything he tells you relating to his drinking- i may be really wrong, but i get the impression he is thinking like an addict in active addiction, as i said i may be wrong, i hope this is of some use  - remember you gotta look after you - talk to someone, dont carry all this around with you and most importantly- i'll say it again - you are not responsible for his addiction or recovery AND HAVE DONE NOTHING TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT- all the best- take the best of care of you -

pmcg, you are right in all that you say. I work with people who find different ways to justify their drinking. They will even create a row, when they are craving badly, in order to get away from everybody and go and drink. They will say 'I don't want you near me because I am a bad person and I don't want to hurt you' or 'you are making me drink by picking on me.'

This is all nonsense, of course and I don't blame the individuals, themselves, because I believe that if alcohol addiction was widely recognised as a medical problem rather than a behaviour problem, people with this disorder wouldn't need excuses and could get the most appropriate treatment. It is a scandal that people who get into trouble with alcohol are told that they should feel shame and guilt for their condition. In the same way, their families, who have also been brainwashed into blaming the drinker, are victims of this horrendous myth.

It is not a person's fault that they get into trouble with alcohol, however, it IS their responsibility to find a solution.

 

Pmcg hi! It is 4 am and Saturday going into Sunday morning. I woke up and can't sleep. I don't know how but I never saw this reply from you until now ? It really helps to know I'm not crazy and that his trying to say I left him is in a way his needing to feel wronged and in essence maybe justify his drinking. This is all so sad abd even if it's true that he is trying to justify his drinking it doesn't help him get the help he needs but (and blv me this isn't about my feelings) at least I know that he probably knows and he probably deep down realizes what he is accusing me of (that is "leaving him" and "breaking his heart") is not true. You asked if he is still living in a hotel - I don't know- last I heard from him which was Tuesday morning was that he "found a home" - his method of communication is text now since a week and a half ago- before when this all started to unravel - this whole horrible last few weeks - he WAS sending videos of him self and he looked just awful !! And he would call also - now anything "real time" videos or calls have stopped its just texts abd he will send all old videos and photos from the spring and beginning of the summer ... So now I have NO IDEA what he's looking like or sounds like - I swear this is SO DIFFICULT pmcg - this is the love of my life - to think he's god knows where - I haven't heard from him since the last time I told you about (four days ago) when he was all loving then accusing me of breaking his heart then went to joking around then back to telling me he missed me ! So Tuesday was last contact from him. I haven't texted him cuz quite frankly Im lost and don't know how or what to say if I were to.

I hope this ends soon i hope also that he is thinking of me like I am of him .. I am praying for him every moment - I am praying for myself for strength I've been asking my parents to help me too ( they have both passed away) so I feel like they are watching over me.

pmcg next he's in touch with me any advice on what I should say ? I want to be exact with my message to him so he knows I love him and he knows I care but that I won't let him blame me for leaving him? Is it easy for him or for anyone whose drinking to forget about the woman they love ? Does alcohol take over that much? We had such a connection and now I feel like I'm losing him. I am so lost.

Thank you pmcg for any advice or insight you have been helping me so much I loo on this site every day to see your answers. Please also see my response to your more recent post and help. It is below on this thread somewhere.

Thank you again with all my heart .

Truly thank you !!!

Pmcg I just sent you a long reply and somehow a smiley face got posted in my reply - It wasn't meant to be there-

Hi Paul! What is a "row" in your reference in ur reply to pmcg?

Also in re to your theory that the addict would not act like this if society did not make it shameful (which i wholeheartedly agree) why then in individual cases -as in mine with my BF- doesn't the theory follow ? ;

I have not shamed him -EVER

I have not made him feels anything but worthwhile

I have done nothing but support him

( w/the exception of this last go round where I think its necessary he get professional help as opposed to staying with me)

I have been all that you suggest - so why individually does this not work?

I worry cuz now if left alone as o have been doing -as I feel I have no option / what happens ? - he was in touch with me as you know this past Tuesday and more than likely will surface again. I'm a little stronger and ready to reply to him this time instead of coddling him - I will be loving but firm - but what now ? What to say to him ? I do not want to lose him but if he believes and truly believes I've "left" him as he put it how do I address that next time he's in touch?

Thank you for your help & caring.

What is the time difference for everyone in the UK? I'm writing this post at 9:00am Sunday morning here in the states on the east coast !

Thank you truly & sincerely

'Row' means 'argument' Pronounced 'row' (rhyming with 'now') rather than 'ro'

Taking your comment about not shaming him. If a person gets bitten by a dog, they may well fear ALL dogs and EXPECT all dogs to bite them after that experience, even though only that one dog actually did.

It takes a lot of time to trust when many people close to you have blamed you, turned away from you and let you down by taking away their support. People who feel that everybody has let them down are less likely to trust anybody because they fear being let down again.

Just keep telling him that you are there, that you are not going to let him down, that you want to help but that doesn't mean doing everything he asks of you, because the things he wants are not always the best things for him to do. Ask him to talk to you about things and let you be part of his decision-making, so that you can point out things that may not be in his best interests. Make sure he knows that you believe him to be intelligent and able to make good decisions normally but that his addiction is interfering with that process at the moment and, while you won't dictate to him what he should or shouldn't do, you want to be there to help him find solutions to his drinking problem.

The UK is 5 hours ahead of the East Coast of the USA

Paul what great advice thank you!

I agree w everything you suggested . I only wish I had found this sight and the advice I'm absorbing now - four weeks ago I can't imagine how different my BF's life would be right now! Thank you for being so generous with your time, knowledge & thoughtfulness. Xo

No problem It was good to chat with you on the phone yesterday

HI Quadrillion. Whether your are in the US or UK the problems with drinking are the same and you are having a tough time and deserve better. All people on this forum have good ideas and will give you support and not be judging you. Keep giving us more news and we are ALL supporting you. You cannot do more and he is luck to have you!! Ohters would have walked away by now. Trust me!   

Thank you Paul same here ... It was great to talk with you too. your selflessness & desire to help others is a rare quality like I said only good things come your way ... Blessings xo

Hi Robin thank you for this note the struggle I'm going through with feeling guilty and "if only I did this or if only I knew this " is horrible here it is 3:30 am and I'm still up worried sick about him. Havevt heard from him in 8 days now... Not like him ..thank you for reaching out this forum right now is my sanity xox

Paul new development this morning I recvd s text from his parents - my BF hasn't responded to ANY of his moms messages for now 11 days and they asked me if he's okay - I called them to talk & told them that I haven't recvd anything in 8 days ! Told them s little of what's been going on. Difference is his moms been trying to reach him every day whereas I haven't been texting or calling thinking he would be in touch when he was in a sober moment but now I am beyond worried . And although I know my reasons for not contacting him these last 8 days ( it was becuz I was worried how he would respond to me -becuz he's been hurtful a couple of times and I can't handle any more hurt) now i feel horrible becuz what if something has happened to him ? For him not to respond to his mom is a big deal - his mom being sick and diagnosed with her illness is what sent him on this relapse in the first place - should I be worried ? What can I do to help his mom so that he is in touch with her? I want her NOT TO WORRY she' is going thru enuff with chemo and radiation and her not hearing back from him has got to be horrible ... Can you or ANYONE on this forum suggest what I should or should not do? I can't blv Im hesitating to be in touch w him! It's been my fear of something hurtful he will say like what I told you about ... And although I know it's unlikely it still is what has kept me from initiating contact ... But now I feel for his mom I need to help her cuz she needs above anything peace of mind.

Please help me with suggestions Paul , PMCG, Deidre, Paper Fairy, Robin thank you

Love & peace ❤️

Hi. Your post really hits home the pain and suffering for those that love an alcoholic when he chooses to go on a binge and selfishly cut out those that truly care..I think you should try to contact him today for the sake of yourself and his poor mums sanity and health. If he's angry and verbally abusive to you, ignore, don't get drawn in as it's not him really( Jekyll and Hyde)..not sure what others think but that's what I'd do. Maybe he's lost his phone charger, broke his phone( I used to when on a bad binge) but you won't know until you've tried yourself to contact him. My thoughts and prayers go out to you xx

Even if nothing else, send him a message telling him that he needs to contact his family and you to let you all know he is ok. I'm sure he will be, as PaperFairy said, this is a common occurance with some problem drinkers.

Hi Paper Fairy THANK YOU !

And thank you for the thought of he may of lost his phone or charger which i didn't even think of . I have to do this you are right for his mom more than anything ... Thank you truly for replying here!!

Xox

Paul thank you, yesterday when I spoke with his dad I could hear in his voice that he was worried for his wife (my BF 's mom) - she is fighting the biggest battle of her life she needs peace of mind- between your and paper fairy's response I believe I have the courage to contact him and like paper fairy said just ignore if he says anything that hurts me cuz right now it's not about me -it really never has been - it's about his mom and her peace of mind !

Xox

Paul one other thing! I spoke to his parents about the Sinclair method my goal - let me rephrase - my "prayer" is that my BF is in touch that he Agrees to meet me and that I can give him the information on his options where he can live without the dreaded revolving door (and I can only speak to his experience) of detox/rehab/relapse ... I pray for everyone on this site that God guides them and that we all have happiness and light in our lives.

Thank you again Paul ! Xo

No probs..good luck and keep us posted as we're all rooting for you..

Hi Paul

A guy who lives in my street has been an alcoholic for 25 years.

I tried to help him but he just keeps on about it is his rubbish childhood that makes him drink.

What do you think Paul?

Louisa. The reason is not as important, right now. What matters is whether he wasn't do do anything about it. Treatment for alcohol problems cannot be imposed on those who don't want it, only those who wish to deal with the problem.

If you want to help him, the best way is ask him 'but what do you want to do NOW?'

Hi Paper Fairy - I have posted since your suggestion to get in touch with him but cannot get past my fear of what he might say to lash out - even though he was okay in his last exchange with me - I still am worried what I might hear - this is terrible I'm a complete mess I wish I could just do it. Problem is also I have friends but they are all far away and it would make such a difference if I had someone next to me when I sent the text just for support & strength ...

Xo

Hi there. You have to find the strength to contact him by phone or text( that's if he hasn't lost his phone or can't get a signal or lost charger). As I've said previously that's what used to happen to me when on a binge. Phone him now or you will keep getting more stressed. I'm here for you and others here. JUST CALL HIM please xx

If he's Mr Hyde just hang up and say you will text him. Try to find out where he is staying for his mum xx

What a complete sweetheart you are to say you're here for me ! Thank you . Are you Louis or Louisa ?

I am going to drive to the family home where I grew up - I think if I go there I'll gain strength to make the contact becuz I will feel my mom & dad around me - thank you again so much!!! Xox

Annie! Hope you gain some healing strength from your trip x

Xoxox thank you I do too ❤️