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looking for help please

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quadrillion
quadrillion

I just registered for this site bc I am completely overwhelmed & dont know what to do. My BF is an alcoholic when I met him a year and a half ago I had no idea ... Thru A LOT  of love time and support I got him to a three month excellent rehab out of state dualDiagnostic etc he did amazingly well only to start drinking horribly again after all the education that cost him tens of thousands of dollars the fourth month before he came home ... He finally came home through my help and was detoxed at home  he was again off alcohol for a month only to start again a month later ... It has not stopped . I am SICK worried don't know what to do his family has turned their back on him - I can't let him stay with me cuz I've tried I've have done it before  but I worry I won't know what to do when he starts shaking or gets sick ... I love him goes without saying and have and will do ANYTHING to help. But he can't stay with me. spo the last time he was detoxed about a month ago i took hinm to a hotel -  I Am worried sick cuz in the last two weeks since i have seen him -  he has said I'm selfish cuz he's spending so much money on hotels and although I know I'm the farthest thing from selfish I can understand why he feels this way but i have tried the scenario of his living with me and he just continues on the same destructive path -he needs professional help   . The last time I saw him was two weeks ago now from us being together pratically every day, nornign and night - this is heartbreaking.  I keep hearing the same thing from him that I'm selfish that I'll die alone cuz I'm selfish calling me everything you can imagine ... I never say anything mean back only lift him up with positives and every day try to suggest to him that we go to yet another detox then Rehab ...  he said he wanted to see me in the last couple of weeks  but he was drinking and I just couldn't do it for my sanity so I told him I was working which was true ... Now in the past day and a half he's gone from  text maybe 3 a day (from being together all the time )   and now nasty vile vulgar texts to me and about me two days ago  ... It is a complete switch so I don't know where he is for the first time since ive known him - he has sent me videos of himslef and he looks horrible pale white and so drunk its awful .. I am at the brink of tears every day and am so worried .. I do not like Al anon at all there's no discussion there only talking and then a "thank you for sharing" it's not for me. Please please please give me guidance I am desperate what to do why has  gone from a million texts a day to hardly anything ... Is it becuz i  have been askign him to go to detox and he doesnt want to hear it  and so he is pushing me away becuz i represnt sanity and the "right thing" - or is it beciz i havent said yes yet agin to his living with me which is what he seems to be so angry about - he wont stop bringing it up =  I HAD TO take a break cuz my mental health was at risk not to mention all the time I have missed with my Work I was at risk of losing everything .Will he regret hwo he is treating me when and if he sobers up - is my staying away smear or will he resent me for it - He always spoke of getting married and we were the perfect couple - . Please respond

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  • pmcg21
    pmcg21 quadrillion

    Posted

    Hi Quadrillion

                             you are going to have to accept you cannot " fix" him- much as you want - only he can do that - alcohol affects people's personalitys in different ways - some people become aggresive and mean - some become alot happier and full of life - but remember alcohol is a depressant as well -  so it effects peoples mood in a major way- alot of people become majorly depressed when coming off it - from what you have told me it sounds like your BF is feeling sorry for himself in a major way - like a child because he cannot get his own way he is reacting like this ( thats my impression, based on what you have told me) and like a child throwing a tantrum, he is lashing out at you -

      again based on what you have told me, he has no intention of quitting at the moment so he will resent anyone suggesting this - he obviously hasnt accepted he has a problem- he is more than likely convinced that he can stop anytime he wants but just not today - a common delusion held by addicts - the other major lie we tell ourselves is that we are hurting no-one but ourselves - this is a way of absolving ourselves of the guilt we feel and of rationalising our drinking to ourselves-

     remember addicts dont think like other people, if we did we would not be able to continue to use alcohol/drugs we would see our addiction for what it is- so we continue to lie to ourselves and everyone around us- we are in complete denial of our addiction when we are using-

      this is the problem people expect addicts to respond to them in a rational way - we dont work like that - all that matters is the ability to keep on using alcohol/drugs and we will lie, cheat, steal (if necessary) and manipulate everyone and every situation to our own ends-

     your BF may well be using the fact that he cannot live with you as an excuse to keep on drinking- in his head, he has beeen wronged - stupid and irational, yes, but it allows him an excuse to feel his drinking is justified - i know it sounds crazy - but thats how we work - twist every situation to suit our own needs- as i said before addiction is a really selfish disease - 

      the major problem is there is no "how too" set of instructions for dealing with addiction, though we all share a common disease every addict has a different back story and a differernt set of circumstances, often complex surrounding there addiction and personality- there is no easy solution i'm sorry - if there was there would be no AA and NA and rehab - the road to recovery is very, very rarely straightforward or painless for either the addict or those around them-

      if i was in your shoes i would leave him be - let things run thier course and see what happens - you wont be able to get through to him anyway if he is still drinking- you are just leaving yourself open to more abuse - hopefully he may stay sober long enough to realize he has to sort himself out- thats the best i can offer right now- dont lose sight of you and your needs in all this - do not be a martyr to this guys addiction - you will get no thanks for it and a leave yourself open to a world of pain and misery - you gotta look after you first of all - all the best

    • quadrillion
      quadrillion pmcg21

      Posted

      Pmcg, you have no idea how much what you wrote has helped me. For the first time after reading what you wrote I don't feel guilty about the fact he is not "living with me". Not sure if you realize how brilliant your words are but if you look at how you phrase what you wrote it has all the elements of being knowledgable and at the same time empowering ... For that o cannot like I said thank you enuohh . Today ive worked a 15 hour day have been so depressed about all this and your post has really made a difference - thank you . You are right in that he has been using this one thing - I believe the ONLY thing - I ever said no to with him- and making me feel like I'm no good. He's called me selfish, worthless, pathetic, and that's not all and this was in reply to my asking if I can come get him to help him !! This has been so incredibly hard for me to ever not go along with what he wants ... I cannot believe a man I was with every single day is now acting like this . It's heartbreaking I don't know where to distinguish between his alcoholism and his being just plain mean . I would do anything in the world for him. I feel like I've lost him but I hope he will come around maybe wake up - actually wake up one morning - and realize how poorly not only is he treating himself - but how poorly he's treated me ... Thank you from the bottom of my heart xo
    • quadrillion
      quadrillion pmcg21

      Posted

      Pmcg it's me again. I have one other question & although I know you are not a mind reader based on what I've told you & ur past experience do u feel once he runs his course this go round of drinking and wants to get help will he reach out to me or will he in his mind hold such resentment b/c of the living with me situation that he will remember that no matter what or will he see it for what it was - that is - that I was looking to get him help instead of him continuing on the sane destructive path- living w me was not the solution / I've told him that in the nicest kindest way - will he or does an alcoholic mind remember the things that are explained to them?

      He was staying in touch from the time I took him to a hotel until last Friday and although he was going on & on about my not letting him live with me he was sending "I miss you" or just sweet texts and messages to me - it was last Friday he switched and things took a turn - I simply asked if I could get him that day - I wanted to take him to get help / and instead of just saying no he said no and lashed out - it was if a switch went off inside him. I believe he may of found other people to live with men & woman it is my sense I am not sure but from what I feel & from little I know i think I may be right and I blv these "people" are addicts too! I truly blv that this is how he's living now. And not that I wanted to enable him but at least when he was living with me he was eating and getting sleep and I was making sure he didn't get in trouble.

      CouLd The fact he's started to lash out have also to do with being influenced by other addicts who are saying things to him and offering their unfounded opinions ? After all the real vile nastiness came out starting this pastv Friday ( a week ago) - and with the exception of a text from him Sunday (in which I didn't respond) he hasn't been in touch - four days ago !

      Thank you again for your honest and strong opinion and thank you simply for caring enuff about someone (me) to take the time to write and truly truly help.

    • Louisaluvsrio
      Louisaluvsrio pmcg21

      Posted

      Good reply

      I left an alcoholic boyfriend because he ruined so many dates and I didn't miss him.

      It is late in life that we realize we can't fix the problem if the person still drinks and goes on about it's his mother's fault cos she gave him away.

      Excuses, excuses.

      I tried to tell him that if he destroys himself then people have won and life can be good. But I don't bother talking about it now to him. I just nod hello and walk on.

      My mum was an alcoholic and I thought I had it rough. Well, I did.

      BUT it taught me not to get involved with an alcoholic. So you learn something from every experience.

      How are you doing.

  • pmcg21
    pmcg21 quadrillion

    Posted

    Hi Quadrillion,

                              it is very hard for anyone who does not know your BF to know how he feels about you or his present situation- he may not remember some of the things he said to you or messages he sent if he has deleted them- it depends what condition he was in when he was sending those messages- blackouts (memory loss) are common when drinking heavily - there are several reasons why he has not been in toutch - he may be ashamed of what he said to you (again i dont know him, so hard to know) . he may be feeling resentful towards you or be feeling sorry for himself and thinking no-body cares - hard to know-

       certainly most addicts, if they are not solitary drinkers, which many are, will gravitate towards people who drink heavily as well - there is nothing worse for an alcoholic than drinking with social drinkers- they dont drink as much, or as quickly- alcoholics feel much more comfortable drinking with people who are like themselves- thats one reason why addicts dont like being around people in recovery, it can make them feel guilty about there own addiction - other people like to drink alone so there is no-one to monitor how much they are drinking or to comment on it - there is no "typical" alcoholic- though many do share similar traits- i hope this is of some use- i know it is easier said than done but try not to let this situation dominate your thoughts- you will do yourself no good trying to "out-think" him- or predict how he is going to react to any given situation- if he has been drinking all week his thinking will be all over the place- very hard to know what is going through his mind- all the best-

    • quadrillion
      quadrillion pmcg21

      Posted

      Hi pmcg!

      Thank you again. I will read and re read both your posts to keep myself strong. I'm feeling very guilty and feel like I've abandon him but I know o haven't bc I have repeatedly offered to take him to detox & told him I believe in him and how worth it he is . As of two weeks ago we were together every day & night & he was always asking me if I would marry him - I think the fact we were always together has made him upset with me now that he was brought to a hotel - truth is every time I think of it it upsets me that he may feel like o don't care - but I explained my reasons and let him know it was becuz living w me wasn't the answer and that I would bring him to get help ... I know he loves me I have never had a doubt about that it's just that he's never gone this long without contacting me ...

      Thank you again - truly

    • quadrillion
      quadrillion pmcg21

      Posted

      Pmcg hi I hope hope you read this ! I just replied to Deidre on this thread and I would so appreciate it if you would see my post with an update on recent happenings in my relationship ... COULd you look at please tell me what you think , your advice on how to handle ? I'm not sure if my BF is manipulating me and putting me on the defensive or he truly feels that o left him and that I broke his heart ... I explained it all in my post to Deidre and coukd truly use your point of view it has been very helpful in the past post and has made me feel strong.

      Thank you pmcg Gods grace be with you .

    • quadrillion
      quadrillion Louisaluvsrio

      Posted

      Louis I sent a reply to you in another post of yours if you don't mind seeing it. Thx u
    • quadrillion
      quadrillion Louisaluvsrio

      Posted

      Louisa - I reposting my msg here to you too cuz I need your help .It's been a while I have been going thru a LOT. My update and truly hoping you can give me your honest opinion.

      After his last text where he said I broke his heart & I left him .. I never texted him cuz we left off with his saying he missed me & loved me.

      Ten days passed. I had not been in touch I wanted him to contact me. Finally ten days later he texted me on a Sunday ... Then from Sunday thru Thursday all day all night he sent THE SWEETEST most loving texts to me about his missing me , loving me and needing to be with me. I reciprocated. I'm telling you it was very special. I knew we had bigger issues that were going to have to be addressed but since it was clear we were most likely going to see each other very soon I kept it light . Btw I have NOT recvd one "current" photo or video of him this is something he used to do all the time .. The only photos and videos are old photos and older videos .. The last current video I recvd mid August he looked horrible thin and sick (and he's a very big muscle bound guy usually) - so back to his texts they were for five days straight morning noon and night -... Middle of the nights simple "I love you " he would send .. Sent photos of us togeher and everything so loving THEN this past Friday morning at 4 am I get a text from him out of a sound sleep.. I'm thinking it's an I. Love you text instead he wrote "I have a new girlfriend honey. I will always love you. Ur BEAUTUFUL"

      I had not bothered him for those ten days prior to his week long absence I hadn't stalked him didn't call him HE got in touch with me and proceeded to say all the sweet things and show us in photos together . (His best friend by the way called me and said word is that he is NOT doing well at all) he has not even texted his best friend in 4 weeks.

      Please tell me your honest opinion about this ? Is this true ? Is it possible he's lying? It just does not make sense. I have not responded to his text . Needless to say my heart was ripped in two when I woke up thinking it was an I love you text only to see that . I don't know how to post this message but I would love to know what paper fairy , Deidre and hope 4 cure think about this... Since his last text I have been praying to stay strong. Please tell me what you think and if I'm doing the right thing not replying. And if you think he'll be in touch. If you could see what he wrote for those five days leading up to his last text you would be equally confused. Thank you SO MUCH if you will help me.

  • hope4cure
    hope4cure quadrillion

    Posted

    You have so much good advice from those that want to help you on this forum. It is almost as though it's a co-dependency issue with this man. Your responses is as desperate as I felt many times with 20 years of struggling with my son. Nothing could stop his madness or the deamons within him.  It's time to stop the madness for yourself. Let go of the pain find happiness, for life is very short.

    Your asking and receiving help and as it is extremely heartbreaking to watch a loved one self destruct .... I get it!  Someone must eventually let you know your in a lot of pain and saving him is not the answer or will it help your relationship. He is not the same person you fell for and Love is not enough to persuade him to find sobriety. The power of alcohol has control in this relationship. I am so sorry.

    His disease is in no way your responsibility to help or fix him any longer. You have done enough and suffered the sad consequenceses of this devastating  disease. You can only help yourself and only change your behavior toward his behavior. You now need to take the time for yourself to heal . And you will with time! Let the light shine on your healing thru this time and my you find all that you need to sustain you to a better life.

    Many prayers & blessing sent your way. 

    HOPECURE

    This is is only your descision to make and I hope you find peace for yourself  and wish you only the best.

  • deirdre._03652
    deirdre._03652 quadrillion

    Posted

    HI DEAR quadrillion..

    I am so sorry to have been out of touch...

    I have to say that his mixed up texts point towards drinking...it is a shame that his gp has not stepped in to find him an alcohol worker, who could support him, and would also have the power to have him sectioned....

    In all honesty, I would never, ever, ever have stopped without intervention..his GP could do a lot more to help him....

    If he comes out the other side, and it can be Done....he will realize just HOW MUCH he has hurt you, I sure he will be dreadfully sorry...but you have to be sober to carry on your life....

    But I would like to say to you more than anything....THANK YOU for still loving him....every single member of my family stuck by me through the very worst times....they never gave up on me...

    It saved my life.....you have a good heart and you deserve happiness....take care....big WARM HUGS to you DEIRDRE.....xxxx

    • quadrillion
      quadrillion deirdre._03652

      Posted

      Hi Deidre thank you! I think I just figured out GP means general practitioner ? If not let me know.

      I have heard the word co-dependent on this site in relation to my situation I do not agree with this characterization of my situation - I am a psychology major and graduate work in psychology - and my relationship with my BF is not codependent - simply the desire to help another human soul that I love - the idea of tough love or letting someone hit rock bottom to me is abandonment and I - and I can only speak for myself - do not agree with it - I think love is the only way . Does that mean I have to enable - NO does that mean I want my BF as a "project" cuz I need a project to have in my life -NO . My goal is to simply point him in the right direction so that he can become whole to remind him how worth it he is etc.. There IS NO relationship when he is drinking bc I'm not in a relationship w the true person that he is .

      I do need help though as I struggle w this one thing and maybe you or PMCG can please help me ...!

      Since my original post - on Saturday and then Monday into Tuesday morning early I have heard from my BF via text starting at 4;30am thru 9am first they were extremely sweet that he misses me loves me all hearts and all then said he found a place to live.. Then bam he got mean and said he doesn't want anyone then said he missed me I said I missed him then said "I guess we will miss each other for a while" going on to say that ; I left him, that he's got my number , that I left him again that I broke his heart!, etc ALL not true I've been sick over all this !!! I responded telling him how much I miss him and will do anything for him ... He then put ME on the defensive continuing to say that I don't show it well!!! ME WHOSE done everything to help him to encourage him.. The exchange did finally end with a sweet exchange that we missed each other but now nothing since Tuesday and here we are Friday . How do I respond to his accusations that I left him? How do I let him see it is not me who left rather he who really essentially left the relationship by choosing to drink - without accusing him becuz after all it's a disease so I want to be both kind but firm ?

      Also Should I reach out to him and initiate contact or continue to to what I'm doing which is always wait for him to make the first point of contact?

      Any advice would be greatly appreciated

    • quadrillion
      quadrillion deirdre._03652

      Posted

      Deidre this is a sign off to my post it went thru without my saying thank you and wishing you peace and love

    • quadrillion
      quadrillion deirdre._03652

      Posted

      Deidre hi! I reposting my msg here to you too cuz I need your help .It's been a while I have been going thru a LOT. My update and truly hoping you can give me your honest opinion.

      After his last text where he said I broke his heart & I left him .. I never texted him cuz we left off with his saying he missed me & loved me.

      Ten days passed. I had not been in touch I wanted him to contact me. Finally ten days later he texted me on a Sunday ... Then from Sunday thru Thursday all day all night he sent THE SWEETEST most loving texts to me about his missing me , loving me and needing to be with me. I reciprocated. I'm telling you it was very special. I knew we had bigger issues that were going to have to be addressed but since it was clear we were most likely going to see each other very soon I kept it light . Btw I have NOT recvd one "current" photo or video of him this is something he used to do all the time .. The only photos and videos are old photos and older videos .. The last current video I recvd mid August he looked horrible thin and sick (and he's a very big muscle bound guy usually) - so back to his texts they were for five days straight morning noon and night -... Middle of the nights simple "I love you " he would send .. Sent photos of us togeher and everything so loving THEN this past Friday morning at 4 am I get a text from him out of a sound sleep.. I'm thinking it's an I. Love you text instead he wrote "I have a new girlfriend honey. I will always love you. Ur BEAUTUFUL"

      I had not bothered him for those ten days prior to his week long absence I hadn't stalked him didn't call him HE got in touch with me and proceeded to say all the sweet things and show us in photos together . (His best friend by the way called me and said word is that he is NOT doing well at all) he has not even texted his best friend in 4 weeks.

      Please tell me your honest opinion about this ? Is this true ? Is it possible he's lying? It just does not make sense. I have not responded to his text . Needless to say my heart was ripped in two when I woke up thinking it was an I love you text only to see that . I don't know how to post this message but I would love to know what paper fairy , Deidre and hope 4 cure think about this... Since his last text I have been praying to stay strong. Please tell me what you think and if I'm doing the right thing not replying. And if you think he'll be in touch. If you could see what he wrote for those five days leading up to his last text you would be equally confused. Thank you SO MUCH if you will help me.

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