looking for help please

pmcg21 quadrillion · 2015-08-21T17:51+00:00

Hi Quadrillion ,

i hope you are looking after you, worrying yourself sick wont help anyone, have you got someone to talk about all this to, it's important you get a support system in place for yourself - the longer this goes on the more support you will need-

first off , i hate the term co-dependant, i think it's ballsology to be honest - you cannot put people into boxes or label them, when dealing with something like addiction - everyone is different and their relationships are all different -

i do think that sometimes you have to let an addict find their rock bottom before they get the desire to seek help - if an addict continues to reject help, you have no choice but to let them hit the bottom before they start to come up for air- unfortunately some dont make it- again everyone is different and everybodys "bottom" is different - it does not mean you have to be living on a park bench, before you realise you need help- the loss of a job, or a loved one can sometimes be enough of a catalist to persuade the addict they need help-

one thing i have learned- the harder you try and force someone to go for help the harder they will push against it-

you must consider the fact your BF may be scared of giving up - the thought of facing life without a drink could terrify him- also the thought of going through withdrawls may make him want to continue to drink- withdrawls can be pretty scary at the best of times- he may of had a bad experience in the past-

as i said their are many reasons that may contribute to an alcoholic wanting to continue to drink despite being aware of the consequences and the damage it may cause- fear is a very powerful motivator.

i would not be in a rush to make contact, if he is still drinking he may well lash out at you again- you represent a threat to his drinking- he knows that if he wants to be part of your life then he has to stop- so he is being defensive - he may well be feeling really guilty as well and his lashing out is a way of protecting himself from feeling this guilt- by blaming you for this situation it saves him having to think about his drinking being to blame- i would let him alone and hopefully he will start to seee sense and realise you are only trying to help him- this may take time - so you need to try and get on with your life as best you can - remember one thing- addicts are very resiliant - we have to be to survive the crap we put ourselves through- i think you are going to have to be patient- all the best-

pmcg21 quadrillion · 2015-08-23T11:59+00:00

Hi Quadrillion,

i dont kinow what is going on in your BF's head - i can only answer you based on my own experience and the experience of other addicts i have talked to over the years-

there are a couple of possible reasons why your BF has not been in toutch, he may be feeling ashamed of his previous texts and behaviour and may be worried that you will reject any texts he sends you- then again he may of convinced himself that he has been abandoned by you and that you did dump him- as i told you we dont think like other people , we are good at twisting facts and conversations to rationalise our own behaviour- use it as an exscuse to keep drinking and feel sorry for ourselves-

there is a possibility that he may want to keep on drinking and doesent want anyone interfering with that-

i would doubt that he has forgotten about you or the life you had together but his version (in his head) of what has occured may bare no resemblance to reality and to what has actually happned- he may convince himself that it will be less painful for you if he doesent make contact and this may also fuel his belief that he is the spurned lover- another great exscuse to continue drinking-

I wonder how many times you have run through your head what you will say to him, and tried to guess what he will say to you- you have probably had full blown conversations based on various scenarios you have imagined , in your head-

this is not good - you have no way of knowing what way he is going to react when contact resumes- you must try and live in the present, not in your head imagining the worst, or the best outcome - sorry but as i said before there is no quick fix for this situation- i think you need to concentrate on your mental health, wait and see what develops and what your BF's attitude is when he makes contact- dont try and rehearse your answers, it's not healthy- just be honest with him about how you feel but still stick to your boundaries- meanwhile try not to dwell on the what if's and the maybe's - all the best -

Paper_fairy quadrillion · 2015-08-23T13:41+00:00

You have to stop analysing everything or you'll make yourself ill. Basically he's very angry when he's drinking about what's happening to him which he can't control. He's very ill. It's like he's Jekyl and Hyde. He will take it out on those who love him the most. Because he's angry and hurt and wants you to feel pain to. He probably won't remember what he's done(will delete his nasty texts so he's not reminded of them). He's possessed by the drink and you have to remember it's not him so it's pointless letting it hurt you. He will change when he's ready and had enough. And you'll be there to pick up the pieces...so just ignore any texts when he's drinking as its a waste of time. Good luck..from a recovering heavy drinker..

looking for help please

quadrillion

113 Replies

pmcg21 quadrillion

quadrillion pmcg21

Louisaluvsrio pmcg21

quadrillion Louisaluvsrio

quadrillion Louisaluvsrio

pmcg21 quadrillion

quadrillion pmcg21

quadrillion pmcg21

quadrillion pmcg21

quadrillion pmcg21

Robin2015 quadrillion

quadrillion Robin2015

Paper_fairy quadrillion

quadrillion Paper_fairy

quadrillion Paper_fairy

Report or request deletion

Thanks for your help!