1. Community
  2. Mental health
  3. Alcohol Consumption

looking for help please

Posted , 9 users are following.

quadrillion
quadrillion

I just registered for this site bc I am completely overwhelmed & dont know what to do. My BF is an alcoholic when I met him a year and a half ago I had no idea ... Thru A LOT  of love time and support I got him to a three month excellent rehab out of state dualDiagnostic etc he did amazingly well only to start drinking horribly again after all the education that cost him tens of thousands of dollars the fourth month before he came home ... He finally came home through my help and was detoxed at home  he was again off alcohol for a month only to start again a month later ... It has not stopped . I am SICK worried don't know what to do his family has turned their back on him - I can't let him stay with me cuz I've tried I've have done it before  but I worry I won't know what to do when he starts shaking or gets sick ... I love him goes without saying and have and will do ANYTHING to help. But he can't stay with me. spo the last time he was detoxed about a month ago i took hinm to a hotel -  I Am worried sick cuz in the last two weeks since i have seen him -  he has said I'm selfish cuz he's spending so much money on hotels and although I know I'm the farthest thing from selfish I can understand why he feels this way but i have tried the scenario of his living with me and he just continues on the same destructive path -he needs professional help   . The last time I saw him was two weeks ago now from us being together pratically every day, nornign and night - this is heartbreaking.  I keep hearing the same thing from him that I'm selfish that I'll die alone cuz I'm selfish calling me everything you can imagine ... I never say anything mean back only lift him up with positives and every day try to suggest to him that we go to yet another detox then Rehab ...  he said he wanted to see me in the last couple of weeks  but he was drinking and I just couldn't do it for my sanity so I told him I was working which was true ... Now in the past day and a half he's gone from  text maybe 3 a day (from being together all the time )   and now nasty vile vulgar texts to me and about me two days ago  ... It is a complete switch so I don't know where he is for the first time since ive known him - he has sent me videos of himslef and he looks horrible pale white and so drunk its awful .. I am at the brink of tears every day and am so worried .. I do not like Al anon at all there's no discussion there only talking and then a "thank you for sharing" it's not for me. Please please please give me guidance I am desperate what to do why has  gone from a million texts a day to hardly anything ... Is it becuz i  have been askign him to go to detox and he doesnt want to hear it  and so he is pushing me away becuz i represnt sanity and the "right thing" - or is it beciz i havent said yes yet agin to his living with me which is what he seems to be so angry about - he wont stop bringing it up =  I HAD TO take a break cuz my mental health was at risk not to mention all the time I have missed with my Work I was at risk of losing everything .Will he regret hwo he is treating me when and if he sobers up - is my staying away smear or will he resent me for it - He always spoke of getting married and we were the perfect couple - . Please respond

3 likes, 113 replies

113 Replies

Prev
  • deirdre._03652
    deirdre._03652 quadrillion

    Posted

    HI quadrillion.

    I hope that you are coping as well as you can..bless you...

    just keep looking after yourself, and remember this is an illness he can !!!! recover from, and I feel certain that he still loves you...he lashes out when he is scared and cornered....I DID, MANY MANY TIMES...it is a self defence mechanism....

    on a different view....we have three sons who have mental health problems...

    when our first son was sectioned at the age of 17..we were awake 24 hrs a day ( suicide watch. )..he was very hard to live with..as were his twin and his older ...but no matter how hard it got....we NEVER, EVER GAVE UP ON THEM ..sadly, many others were just left by their family and friends...they still live with us...and always will...

    it is an illness like alcoholism is.... he must be scared...( I was all the time. ) but if he recovers...and I pray that he will. .he will need all the support and love he caN find...

    you are an AMAZING YOUNG LADY.x xxx I applaud you and really respect you...I do soooo hope that it all works out for you...big, big, big hUGS to you...never give up...DEIRDRE xxx

    • quadrillion
      quadrillion deirdre._03652

      Posted

      God bless you truly & thank you so very much. You too sound like an amazing & loving mother. I am scared that I've lost him i told him last he texted me that I'm not as strong as he thinks cuz I think he thinks of my silence as strength - my silence is becuz I'm so confused and dOnt know what to do or say so I wait for him to come looking for me I ve been so afraid that IF he believes I don't care or that I've left him -( which thanks to this website I've learned that his saying that may well be a way of making him feel better where he's blaming me instead of himself )- but if he truly believes that will he just forget about me .. He may take my silence and not initiating contact as not caring about him ... I am a mess cuz I HOPE he knows I care but by what he says I feel like he thinks I don't ... So I'm going crazy ... Should I text him to tell him I care ? Every instinct tells me to let him come to me but then I struggle when I think of if I were him and feeling sick and confused just becuz he's a man and a physically strong guy doesn't make him strong inside ... God help me this really is so difficult I need to dig deep and have faith but I keep praying and my strength is not happening ! I think it's becuz we were together every minute and now in the last four weeks everything has changed I would of never believed anyone if they told me two months ago that this would be happening .

      God bless you Deidre truly

  • deirdre._03652
    deirdre._03652 quadrillion

    Posted

    HI quadrillion, oh bless you lovely....

    I think it would help him if you let him know what you still feel for him...also it would ease YOUR MIND, because you would have nothing to reproach yourself in the future, if you do or do not get back together..

    I do soooo hope that he recovers and you have a lovely, happy future....

    please do not lose hope, no matter where he is..or.....whoever he is with...if he knows in his heart that you love him....in spite of everything that has happened !!!!. he has an opening to get in touch with you in the future...you truly are a lovely, lovely, young lady...I pray for you both... you are in my heart as well...DEIRDRE xxx

    • quadrillion
      quadrillion deirdre._03652

      Posted

      Deidre thank you God bless you. Thing is the last time he contacted me last weekend AND this past Tuesday i did let him know I loved him I missed him (he told me the same ) and I told him "I never left you" and that I've been crying over this .. He knows my true feelings. His text last was within a three hour exchange first he said love and I misses me to he found a place to live and that "he wants no one" & that I left him and that he's not a dummy ( which I still don't know what he means by that he said it three times ) then ssid I'm scare of him (which is not true ) and to which I replied "I'm not scared of you I'm scared FOR you" then HE went back to he misses me and I said the same ... So even though in between he said I left him he knows I love him and I miss him. Should I leave it now that you know that? I am so confused ? Should I call his best friend who always in touch with me and ask him ? Should I talk to his daughter (25 yrs old) who loves me and would say something to him for me ? Although last she called me he wasn't in touch with her either or his best friend ...

      Advice now that u know more details would be appreciated .. I need strength why don't I have it in usually good with getting strength from prayer

      God bless you Deidre xoxo

  • deirdre._03652
    deirdre._03652 quadrillion

    Posted

    HI quadrillion, thank you for your reply...yes I think it would be a very good idea to contact,, and keep in contact with his daughter and best friend....they too know how much you love and. care for him....also, keep in contact with him...he may be in a good or bad mood, as emotions veer wildly when you are drinking....but through it all, he will know that you still, love and care for him....and more importantly.. that he will always have someone who no matter what....Will always stick by him..and be on his side....

    you are such a good person and he knows that....

    keep your chin up young lady...I am certain that he still loves you...but he is afraid of how you would react if he drank very, very heavily again....as I said before.... I would NOT BE ALIVE NOW WITHOUT THE UNERRING LOVE OF MY FAMILY.....I will pray for you both...you are in my heart ...big warm hugs to you both...

    DEIRDRE xxx

  • quadrillion
    quadrillion

    Posted

    I reposting my msg here to everyone cuz I REALLY NEED HELP!!!

    It's been a while I have been going thru a LOT. My update and truly hoping you can give me your honest opinion.

    After his last text where he said I broke his heart & I left him .. I never texted him cuz we left off with his saying he missed me & loved me.

    Ten days passed. I had not been in touch I wanted him to contact me. Finally ten days later he texted me on a Sunday ... Then from Sunday thru Thursday all day all night he sent THE SWEETEST most loving texts to me about his missing me , loving me and needing to be with me. I reciprocated. I'm telling you it was very special. I knew we had bigger issues that were going to have to be addressed but since it was clear we were most likely going to see each other very soon I kept it light . Btw I have NOT recvd one "current" photo or video of him this is something he used to do all the time .. The only photos and videos are old photos and older videos .. The last current video I recvd mid August he looked horrible thin and sick (and he's a very big muscle bound guy usually) - so back to his texts they were for five days straight morning noon and night -... Middle of the nights simple "I love you " he would send .. Sent photos of us togeher and everything so loving THEN this past Friday morning at 4 am I get a text from him out of a sound sleep.. I'm thinking it's an I. Love you text instead he wrote "I have a new girlfriend honey. I will always love you. Ur BEAUTUFUL"

    I had not bothered him for those ten days prior to his week long absence I hadn't stalked him didn't call him HE got in touch with me and proceeded to say all the sweet things and show us in photos together . (His best friend by the way called me and said word is that he is NOT doing well at all) he has not even texted his best friend in 4 weeks.

    Please tell me your honest opinion about this ? Is this true ? Is it possible he's lying? It just does not make sense. I have not responded to his text . Needless to say my heart was ripped in two when I woke up thinking it was an I love you text only to see that . I don't know how to post this message but I would love to know what paper fairy , Deidre and hope 4 cure think about this... Since his last text I have been praying to stay strong. Please tell me what you think and if I'm doing the right thing not replying. And if you think he'll be in touch. If you could see what he wrote for those five days leading up to his last text you would be equally confused. Thank you SO MUCH if you will help me.

    0 Reply

    0 Reply

    • deirdre._03652
      deirdre._03652 quadrillion

      Posted

      DEAREST quadrillion.....

      Hi ....I think that you should text him and keep in touch lovey...it will give you true peace of mind.that you still care about him as a person and a friend....and that no matter what.....he will know it too...

      He may still be very, very mixed up ...but he highly likely will still need and WANT TO KEEP IN TOUCH WITH YOU.....even if he takes a long time to sort his problems out.....

      Perhaps he was trying to defend you...by saying he had a girlfriend...( to put you off and stop worrying about him..)

      This is a common tactic to try to help others.....namely you....

      I am sure that it is very upsetting and difficult for you my lovely....but I am sure that he would truly appreciate you caring. ( when you drink you are convinced that you don't deserve it. )

      Even if you just send a short message....to make sure that he is okay, and he will know that you still believe in him.....

      My heart aches for you my lovey....big, big warm hugs to you....DEIRDRE xxxxxh

  • deirdre._03652
    deirdre._03652 quadrillion

    Posted

    Hi quadrillion...

    Try to have a good, restful and peaceful night lovely lady.....

    Sleep tight, you are my THOUGHTS lovely lady...

    Big warm hugs to you....DEIRDRE xxx

    • quadrillion
      quadrillion deirdre._03652

      Posted

      Hi Deidre, oh my gosh I am so happy that you responded. There is an update since I posted my message to you here I wish I knew how to post it once but I want to tell you what happened because I value your opinion. After eight days he was finally in touch with me again, (That is a days after he sent me he had a girlfriend text). He texted me for four days straight I didn't respond because I was worried he was going to do the same thing that is me respond and then his dropping a bomb again on me. Not only did he text me he sent me real-time video which I haven't seen since mid August and he tried calling me three times in a row he hasn't called me since this is all been unraveling and in his voice messages the first one was sweet and the next two he was accusing me of being with someone else which didn't make sense because he shouldn't care because he has a new girlfriend supposedly . He sent me his songs that we're his way of telling me he loves me songs like I'm not over you and some other love song. His real time video broke my heart. But Deidre those eight days after his I have a girlfriend text were such hard hard days for me. But now after receiving his videos text messages and voice messages I realize he is scared I could hear it in his voice. I texted him back on Tuesday and he and I exchanged just just a few text messages. And that's where it stands. His daughter called me on Monday and asked if I'd heard from him because she's only gotten a few text from him in the last month. I also told her about his text about having a girlfriend and she told me that wasn't true and that it was a lie and his best friend had told me that when I receive the text that it was a lie. But more importantly I want to help him. Paul on this forum has been amazing and very straightforward with me . I plan on calling his daughter back tomorrow and together calling him to see if we can see if he will meet us and I want to show him The Sinclair method. I am just not sure if he's going to be open to meeting. But I definitely am going to stay in touch with him. Deidre do you think he will come around at some point and reach out and say that he wants help on his own? What kills me is that after I finally responded to him on Tuesday he is now not in touch with me Wednesday and here again Thursday I've been very busy with work and plan on definitely being in touch with him tomorrow. But he was desperate to be in touch with me those four days when I couldn't respond because I was scared he would hurt me again emotionally I mean – so why no isn't He making sure he stays in touch? Thank you so much for responding in this forum you have no idea how this form has helped me is my peace of mind knowing I have friends who have never met me who care like they do. God bless you Deidre XOXO sleep well it's 2:30 AM here my sleep has really been bad lately so thank you for wishing me a good night sleep XO XO
    • quadrillion
      quadrillion deirdre._03652

      Posted

      Deidre In my long response I made a typing error where I said in parentheses I meant (*that is EIGHT days after he sent me I have a girlfriend text) *
    • quadrillion
      quadrillion deirdre._03652

      Posted

      Deidre one other thing I worry that the more he lives the way he's living the more he's going to get entrenched in it and get used to it. How do I without pushing him ask him to see me and his daughter or even just me? XO XO
  • deirdre._03652
    deirdre._03652 quadrillion

    Posted

    Hi quadrillion....I was so pleased to hear from you lovely.....

    He must be in turmoil at the moment ( as must you be also. )

    I am certain that he wants and seriously needs help.....

    He is probably terrified of what he is doing to himself and the people he loves and cares for......I was lucky in the way that it was taken out of my hands....the GP and mental health service sectioned me against my will....terrible !! At the time...but their actions saved my life.....

    He must be scared to ask for help...although I am certain that he wants and needs it.....

    His health must be suffering greatly by now.....if he went to see his GP hopefully he would intervene....

    There is always the possibility of a HOME DETOX...I had four....an ALCOHOL TREATMENT NURSE COMES IN EVERY DAY FOR A WEEK....he would hOWEVER..need somebody responsible with him 24 HRS. To make certain that he has nooo alcohol in the house......but he would probably be better as an inpatient....

    I FEEL desperately SORRY for all of you involved....his daughter may be able to organize more as she is a family member....

    Every single alcoholic hates their habit and themselves...it becomes a vicious cycle....

    PAUL TURNER.....May be able to advise you more on the matter of a HOME DETOX....

    You are all in my THOUGHTS and PRAYERS ...I desperately hope that everything in your lives could turn around...

    Never, ever GIVE UP..trying to help him...but make sure that you look after yourself also....

    You are in my opinion......A WONDERFUL...CARING....KIND.....GENEROUS.....AND A BEAUTIFUL,...BEAUTIFUL YOUNG LADY...WITH A HUGE HEART.....HUGS TO YOU ALL....DEIRDRE XXX😊🌸

    • quadrillion
      quadrillion deirdre._03652

      Posted

      Deidre, Thank you very much honey. I really truly appreciate it. I truly also believe everything you said about him being terrified. When I tell the handful of my friends that I feel comfortable talking about this to and see some of their reactions I find out who is like-minded as me and who isn't -who has a compassionate heart and who doesn't - it breaks my heart to see people get mad about someone who is in turmoil and when I talk to them and say that he must be so scared two of my friends laughed at me it made me realize I can't really be friends with people who have that kind of heart . I'm going to figure out exactly what to do today getting in touch with his daughter thing is I hate to bother people but I definitely know I need to do this and I will go to my boyfriend if you'll allow me to because I don't know where he is at this point and show him the Sinclair method. You were right about Paul he is an absolute saint he truly is he is the most giving person I've ever met. He will only have good things in his life because he's always giving to other people. You Deidre are sweet wonderful woman who has a big heart and I'm so grateful that you responded to me thank you for everything God bless you I will keep you posted please if you can stay on the site and watch my progress cause I really truly need people support. Love to you XOXO
Back to top
Prev

Report or request deletion

Thanks for your help!

We want the community to be a useful resource for our users but it is important to remember that the community are not moderated or reviewed by doctors and so you should not rely on opinions or advice given by other users in respect of any healthcare matters. Always speak to your doctor before acting and in cases of emergency seek appropriate medical assistance immediately. Use of the community is subject to our Terms of Use and Privacy Policy and steps will be taken to remove posts identified as being in breach of those terms.