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Marijuana Induced Hell (PLEASE READ/HELP)

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Ihateweed89
Ihateweed89

Hi,

In December of 2012 I made a completely moronic mistake. I smoked a lot of weed and had a panic attack. I took a few hits of a joint, was already too high without realizing it and then I got passed a vaporizer and hit that without realizing how powerful it was. I didn’t even know what a vaporizer was, it was my 3rd time smoking pot in my life and it has been haunting me to this day.

The next day when I woke up I felt what I later found out to be depersonalization/derealisation. I went on an SSRI and after 2 months of complete HELL I was able to live…decently. That being said, my anxiety was through the roof, I was having physical symptoms that I never, ever had – or even knew existed for that matter, I’ve been getting weird, annoying thoughts, halos around lights, visual distortions and a bunch of other stuff that’s been hard to deal with.

Now I’m really ambitious and despite feeling this way I just kept pushing through, I ended up moving cities, switching my life, was studying nonstop, doing music production, working, blah blah and I had a panic attack one day that seems to have relapsed me into the exact same hell that I endured when I smoked that pot.

I should also mention that I got off of my SSRI about 3-4months ago because of sexual side effects and I think that was a bad idea. I’m back on Ciprilex 10mg, in a mood and anxiety program, I’ve purchased a couple programs, im eating better (when I can actually eat), going to the gym, etc. I will do ANYTHING to get my life back. Before this I was a 3.97GPA student and I was making good money, loving life. Now I can’t go to school this September and I’m flat broke – I feel like I’m living in hell.

I knew I had GAD before this but it was always controllable. I was always told marijuana was good for anxiety and I know firsthand that for me, it’s not. I obviously triggered a latent disorder or exacerbated my pre-existing condition but I am praying that I can get it back to where it used to be (its 100x worse in every way possible) and get rid of this depersonalization in time.

Has anybody ever experienced a reaction to marijuana like this? I messed up, I know it but I’m praying I didn’t ruin my life/future. I'm not suicidal and I'm absolutely determined to get better, I will fight nonstop and do everything necessary -- but in 5 years if I'm still living like this I would honestly kill myself. I do not want to die and just the thought of that and having these thoughts in my head are killing me because I have so much good to offer the world and I love life more than anything, it's truly beautiful, I want to be me again.

Please help me. I’m desperate.

45 likes, 522 replies

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  • abdnguy11
    abdnguy11 Ihateweed89

    Posted

    it is very easy giving up weed , just go do something instead of sitting on your backside getting waisted , it is very easy get up and do something or waiste your day getting minced , i decided to go do something , i have not had a joint in over 23 years and I smoked it everyday for 7 years , I just decided enough was enough 
  • raymanthedude
    raymanthedude Ihateweed89

    Posted

    Ok first of all everything i am about to say is from personal experience but i think you are over reacting alot because i have very bad axeity and have been depressed acouple times in my life and i am 16 years old. I have been smoking weed for over a year and it has not really changed my anxiety problemes expept it takes it away when im high i have also done a vareity of phsychodelic drugs includung magic mushrooms lsd and mdma and those are all drugs very bag for people with mental problems and i have came out fine and theres nothing weird to me i think you are being alittle emotional and over reactive, its all inside off you, the drug is the same too everyone its just you dont react to it like everyone because you are different you just need to calm down and just chill out and rethink your self over look inside and find the real problem you just need to man up a bit 
    • jmcg2014
      jmcg2014 raymanthedude

      Posted

      Everyone is different, you've been very lucky,not everyone is as fortunate, its sensible to be scared of things which have been proven time and time again to be extremely dangerous for those with mental health issues,
  • flexy123
    flexy123 Ihateweed89

    Posted

    Many years ago when I was a teenager I used to occasionally smoke some hash (simply because eveyone did) until I had a VERY bad experience with weed. Panic attack, heart racing this known feeling you're about to die. HORRIBLE. Mind you this was back at a time where weed and hash had been way less potent than what they are today. I haven't touched weed or anything in many, many years ever since.

    TODAY, many people want to make it sound like weed is the greatest "medicine" ever, they legalize it some states and in general act like smoking is the coolest thing and everyone should do it because it can "cure" so much things. I call total BS. You guys as did I have seen how "just weed" can entirely mess you up! I hardly ever read about those real dangers of cannabis, no-one ever mentions those. Why? I thought I was about to die....so how "wonderful" is Cannabis when it can happen that you take a few puffs and entirely freak out?

    Smoking weed or hash is always about losing control. If you're stoned and cannot even get up from the couch etc. For me, "losing control" is NOT something positive whatsoever! I don't want to take a drug which causes me "to lose control". This is insanity! I have read silly things like how weed allegedly helps against anxiety etc...yes no wonder if you get de-personalized or stoned..of course it "gets rid of anxiety" - this is similar as saying hitting someone with a sledgehammer over the head "helps with anxiety", I am sure it does.

    I personally think that those people who defend smoking don't care when they lose all control. But not all people are the same. I think it's this loss of control which causes the panic and anxiety. (Because, duh!, you just took a drug which is supposed to do exactly this, losing control). Because of that I think that some persons should avoid drugs/weed. As for me,I want to enjoy life, I want to enjoy thinking, doing things..and not "lose control" or "get stoned" with some stupid drug. So: DON'T DO IT. And don't believe those people who claim weed is such a miracle cure and it's so "harmless". Those people dont tell you that things like paranoia and really thinking that you will die is happening often, even to experienced smokers! This is a fact! To anyone whom had this happen, I hope you can recover and get a normal life again!)

  • aaron52906
    aaron52906 Ihateweed89

    Posted

    Ihateweed89 im totally in your same position maybe worst. Thats my biggest mistake I have ever made. Please i really would like to discuss this problem but not here. I cant send link here so im going to send it separate just join them and please send me an email. I too want my life back. It can be a real nightmare this thing 
  • unicornslayer
    unicornslayer Ihateweed89

    Posted

    Hello, I suffer from the same thing. A week ago I went to a 2-day rock festival. First, my friend and I smoked a bit, it really wasn't a lot. Then we went to the concert, everything seemed to be ok, we had a few beers too, I was feelnig fine... Then a guy came who offered to share a joint with us. Ofcourse I didn't say no (biggest mistake of my life), then I started to feel drugged, actually I totally forgot about the things I did but I felt secure and continued to listening to music. After a while we went to our tent to rest. I vomited, I just couldn't do anything anymore, I wanted to sleep. I think I slept for a half of an hour might be an hour, but then my friend forced me to go back, I went there, but I felt like I was going to collapse every second. But I didn't. We went to sleep again and in the morning I woke up, being able to walk and do common thing normally, I think I had a slight hang-over. We went home, I felt the detox, I ate, even cycled, I was excited to go back to the festival in the evening. I think I was totally sober again. So we went backe to the festival in the evening, and I was actually that stupid that I smoked a joint again, it really wasn't a lot, we drank samo alcohol too, but then I smoked again, twice (actually this was the biggest mistake of my life). I was drugged like f***, but suprisingly, being able to do everything, it just felt kinda strange. Then we "partied" till the dawn but I felt happy, I got the feeling that I was sober, I talked to my friends, laughed, told jokes, wasn't even sleepy. Then we went to sleep. I cant remember anymore how I felt in the morning, but I think I was satisfied. I came home, cleaned up, didn't sleep a lot, idk did some stuff.. the next day i still felt high, not trippin, just really wierd. I was kinda scared, I remembered reading an article about an LSD trip that lasted forever, I waited slept a lot, but then day after day after day I prayed for it to go away. But it didn't. Ever. Never will. I pretented that everything was ok, did everthing as normally as I could. I got confused a lot, forgot what I did just recently, totally lost my perception of time. It didn't get any better. I just sleep a lot more that I should, pray god for forgiveness, pretend in front of people, freak out, try to kill my self, fail, pray again, beg, cry, shout. It is an endless circle. I can't take it anymore, I can't even kill myself, I wish someone could help me, but I only told my friend about this, because I don't think medication will help me. I'm really desperate, I can't apprichiate anything in life anymore, I wish I was never born or at least that I was able to kill my self without hurting anybody. 
    • TheBigJorkowski
      TheBigJorkowski unicornslayer

      Posted

      Hey buddy, your post takes me back. I was in the exact same state early last year. Smoked a joint and had a major panic episode. You will get better, unfortunately it takes a lot of time, acceptance and a ridiculous amount of patience with yourself. I'm still not 100 percent but am definitely getting there. All that's happened is you've had a very frightening experience and are replaying it over and over, trying to make sense of it. Your brain is exhausted from worry. You can't think clearly in this state. All I can suggest is you've got to weather the storm, I was in a terrible state this time last year, but you will eventually have some good days, and it gets a lot easier once you start to see some progress. I ended up giving up my job as support worker to autistic adults and returning to building work, just to give my brain a rest. I still feel quite disconnected most days but am learning to cope and am sure it will pass eventually. You just have to keep going dude. Trust me I know it feels like your stuck like this forever but your really not, it just takes a lot of time and patience. It's a road full of ups and downs but you will eventually get to a place where it becomes tolerable and then the real healing begins. Just keep going 1 day at a time. The more you worry the harder it gets, I know that doesn't help as that's pretty much all your able to do at the moment but it will get easier. Stop googling symptoms, stop focusing on what you've lost and concentrate on the now and try different things, find something that takes your mind off the problem. You will pull through I promise. Pm me anytime.
    • mattoidicus
      mattoidicus unicornslayer

      Posted

      Honestly mate it will change. 3 years one time it took me to get back to normal after mushrooms and lsd. I still smoke occasionally and recently had unreality for 3 weeks. Get plenty of rest. go to the gym, eat really good healthy food. I have a painful condition called chronic pelvic pain syndrome and they've had me on so many different painkillers but nothing really beats grass with a beer. That's the absolute truth. Everything/any drug seems to have side effects. I absolutely promise you it will change and you will become more grounded again as the experience fades. Your looking for it/keep asking am I normal? I want to be normal and keep prob examining yourself as an outsider from yourself.That keeps it going!!! Keep saying f--k it, you don't care, it will pass. In your case, never do it again! But you will recover. 100% 
    • unicornslayer
      unicornslayer mattoidicus

      Posted

      But I can't wait for 3 years, even 3 days seem like hell. I can just see my life slipping away without me. In September I have to go back to highschool, this is my final year, but how am I going to cope with school if everything except sleep causes me stress? Plus, we have like a graduation exam in the end of the year. I don't think I'm gonna make it. I had great plans for the vacation, but I just can't enjoy anthing anymore. I used to love sports, I trained karate, but now I can't even focus for 5 minutes. All I can do is watch movies, but I hate that because there's nature out there that I used to love so much, but now it just scares me. Do you know any other techniques except patience? I thought that maybe smoking a joint again could like reset something maybe, but doesn't seem like a good idea. Don't know about that seratonin pills or whatever though, or maybe psychotherapy...? Although I can't really afford it. Thanks for the support though. 
    • unicornslayer
      unicornslayer TheBigJorkowski

      Posted

      Thanks, your support means a lot to me. It's true, I feel like my brain is exhauseted all the time, just can't have a rest. I do feel better sometimes, but only when I do something really easy, bur even that seems to tire me after a while. Then I get all depressed or anxious again. It's like I'm just always waiting for everything to end and that's why I can't enjoy anything.
    • TheBigJorkowski
      TheBigJorkowski unicornslayer

      Posted

      Your right man, and like I said before it takes a long time. There's nothing mystical or supernatural going on, try and stay logical, it's all just down to stress. If you had a broken leg would you try and walk on it straight away? Unfortunately your brain takes so long to heal because we need to use it all of the time. Cut yourself some slack dude, you've been through a lot. Try and take it as easy as you can. I've been where you are and it's not a nice place, but as I said before it does get easier once you notice things starting to return to normal. Peace.
    • alec83ia
      alec83ia TheBigJorkowski

      Posted

      I went though the same thing, it was last august when it happened to me and I'm still just getting better, taking it day by day. and you're 100% right abt everything you said. it's stress, and it does go away the more you focus on the now and get your mind off it. "your peace is more important than driving yourself crazy trying to understand why something happened the way it did. let it go." if I could give any advice to anyone who has been through this it would be exactly what you just said. I'm glad to know there's someone else who has been down this road and has come out of it a stronger and better person. I appreciate everything in my life and don't take anything for granted. life is precious, and when I have a good day and feel normal which is 80% of days, I am just so thankful. it's easy to look past how beautiful and peaceful it really is to just be able to live your life the way you want and not have to struggle. thank you for the reassurance, means a lot smile
    • TheBigJorkowski
      TheBigJorkowski unicornslayer

      Posted

      I really feel your pain dude, honestly I know exactly how you are feeling. The only things that really worked for me was practicing meditation, like really relax your whole body and empty your mind. But I ain't gonna lie it takes practice man. And it ain't gonna come overnight. Try and make time to take a nap in the day, this really helped me loads, it almost felt like a ten minute nap in the afternoon refreshed me more than an entire nights sleep. What has also helped is getting out and exercising, you need to burn off that excess adrenaline that's making your brain think all the messed up junk. All this stuff your stressing about with school, that's the key, that's the stuff that's gonna get you through this. Your stressing about being stressed out. And it won't take three years, you've really gotta push yourself to do things, the only way your gonna get through this is to take your mind off it, create new memories to wipe over the bad ones. And I know it's tough, but you've really just gotta soldier on. Dude you will be telling someone else all this in no time. You are not stuck like it forever trust me.
    • alec83ia
      alec83ia unicornslayer

      Posted

      you should get out and get some fresh air, go enjoy yourself again. the longer you stay in the longer it's gonna take to get out. it may not seem like it right now, but take it from all of us who have been through it, you're going to be fine, I promise. fresh air, eat healthy, go to the gym, just sit outside, hangout with friends and family, you need to laugh. I went to a therapist and he helped a lot with his advice and just reassuring me that I wasn't dying or losing my mind. if your heart starts pounding, take a big breath and for five seconds, hold it for four seconds, and release saying ahhh, just relax and repeat until it goes away. it helps me even today to just relax. mediation will help you. I took xanax in the beginning bec I couldn't even drive myself to work. but use it only when you need it if you decide that route bec you don't want to become dependent on it, which I never did but I hear it's addictive. all it did for me was make it so I could go do things without having an episode. you're just scared of what happened to you and that's why you're so sick, it's the same thing I went through. and you're going to be okay. you'll be giving your best advice to someone in no time, bec this experience has changed you. and you feel for anyone who's going through it bec you know how hard it was. but you really are going to be okay. get out of the house and go enjoy yourself with someone you feel most comfortable with, bec once you realize it's still possible and you actually forget for a minute and have some fun, that's when everything will start to come back together for you. it looks like you have a lot of important things coming up, don't stall any longer on getting better and getting it toegther. you can do it. you have to be strong and take control of it before it takes any more control of you. good luck.
    • unicornslayer
      unicornslayer TheBigJorkowski

      Posted

      I don't know if it was your words or something else, but I really started feeling some progress. It's not the same it used to be, but I think I made the first step. Sometimes I can almost forget about it for awhile. Thanks a lot. 
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