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Marijuana Induced Hell (PLEASE READ/HELP)

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Ihateweed89
Ihateweed89

Hi,

In December of 2012 I made a completely moronic mistake. I smoked a lot of weed and had a panic attack. I took a few hits of a joint, was already too high without realizing it and then I got passed a vaporizer and hit that without realizing how powerful it was. I didn’t even know what a vaporizer was, it was my 3rd time smoking pot in my life and it has been haunting me to this day.

The next day when I woke up I felt what I later found out to be depersonalization/derealisation. I went on an SSRI and after 2 months of complete HELL I was able to live…decently. That being said, my anxiety was through the roof, I was having physical symptoms that I never, ever had – or even knew existed for that matter, I’ve been getting weird, annoying thoughts, halos around lights, visual distortions and a bunch of other stuff that’s been hard to deal with.

Now I’m really ambitious and despite feeling this way I just kept pushing through, I ended up moving cities, switching my life, was studying nonstop, doing music production, working, blah blah and I had a panic attack one day that seems to have relapsed me into the exact same hell that I endured when I smoked that pot.

I should also mention that I got off of my SSRI about 3-4months ago because of sexual side effects and I think that was a bad idea. I’m back on Ciprilex 10mg, in a mood and anxiety program, I’ve purchased a couple programs, im eating better (when I can actually eat), going to the gym, etc. I will do ANYTHING to get my life back. Before this I was a 3.97GPA student and I was making good money, loving life. Now I can’t go to school this September and I’m flat broke – I feel like I’m living in hell.

I knew I had GAD before this but it was always controllable. I was always told marijuana was good for anxiety and I know firsthand that for me, it’s not. I obviously triggered a latent disorder or exacerbated my pre-existing condition but I am praying that I can get it back to where it used to be (its 100x worse in every way possible) and get rid of this depersonalization in time.

Has anybody ever experienced a reaction to marijuana like this? I messed up, I know it but I’m praying I didn’t ruin my life/future. I'm not suicidal and I'm absolutely determined to get better, I will fight nonstop and do everything necessary -- but in 5 years if I'm still living like this I would honestly kill myself. I do not want to die and just the thought of that and having these thoughts in my head are killing me because I have so much good to offer the world and I love life more than anything, it's truly beautiful, I want to be me again.

Please help me. I’m desperate.

45 likes, 522 replies

522 Replies

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  • Mordecai78
    Mordecai78 Ihateweed89

    Posted

    I can relate to this topic so much..

    My problems with anxiety all started the night i smoked weed with some friends. the next second i felt like i was choking, like i had no air, i was hiperventilating. i remember getting up and feeling so panicked.. omg, it was horrible. It felt like i was walking with 100 km per hour towards home. When i got there i put myself on the floor, rhere i felt safe, but i was gasping for air.. shivering.. dizzy, all sorta stuff going through my mind.it a been almost two years i think... and i still can t forgive myself for smoking that crap. now i have so many problems because of the weed, i can t catch a break.

  • robell70
    robell70 Ihateweed89

    Posted

    Hi Everyone. I smoked weed that was high in THC (flame as its called in the U.S., it has orange/reddish hairs) for about a year on and off. I got the terrible feeling in my head a few times about 6 months in, then about 10 months in I smoked a joint and my hands felt extremely tingly like the joint was hot and prickly in my hands and my head felt clogged and bad. I became paranoid and I believe I could call it mild psychosis. I still have it now even though I stopped smoking 2 weeks ago. Yes, it is pretty mild compared to others' posts. I should've stopped smoking right when my hands first felt disconnected but my desire to get high outweighed my knowledge of the terrible feeling I would continue to get from the weed. Yes, I continued smoking for about two months after this but never really enjoyed it. The reason I'm posting this is to tell you that I take fish oil, St. John's Wort, a multivitamin that does not contain iron, and an iron supplement. Iron is essential for red blood cell formation and I personally believe the iron, St. John's wort, and fish oil help a lot. Especially iron and Wort. I also take calcium and vitamin D3 (they compliment each other chemically). So if you are looking to get over the "negative high" as I call it faster and with less pain take those supplements. However, I cannot guarantee they definitively help but it know for a fact at johns wort will make you feel better for a few hours per capsule and its natural and you can find all those supps at Walmart or probably any drug store w/out prescription. My case seems to be mild and I believe it will wear off in a month to two months post quitting. Good luck to everyone. Its hell but it will go away.
  • nathan40159
    nathan40159 Ihateweed89

    Posted

    In reply to your post.

    I know exactly how you feel. I am going through the same hell as you. It all started when I smoked weed with my friend. Now, I'm not a smoker or a drug user but my friend (who has chrohns disease) suggested we smoked it as it would "help" his condition and alleviate him of pain. So, we bought £20 worth of weed and bonged the whole lot. It was a hot, sunny summers day and everything seemed amazing. Then all of a sudden, I started to freak out. My heart was beating faster and faster and I just had the feeling that something bad was going to happen. I needed to get home, rushing back towards home, my arms went really heavy and my eyelids shut. I had an OBE (outer body experience). This freaked me out even more, I was spaced out, panicking, not knowing what to do. I went home, slept and woke up feeling better. A couple of weeks later, when undertaking an exam. I got the same heavy eyelids feeling and panicked again. I left and couldn't go back in. I was in bed for 3 weeks with a "viral infection". All my symptoms had come back; cloudy head, confusion, sleep problems and anxiety just to name a few. I slowly got better but never fully recovered and just felt like I wasn't myself. So, flash forward 3 years and I've seen the doctor a countless number of times, has cognitive behavioural therapy, MRI scans, blood tests and counselling but nothing can pinpoint anything. I'm still confused, my memory which was once fantastic is so poor now, my thoughts are cloudy, I don't recognise myself in the mirror, I struggle with my sleep, I struggle with my thoughts and I just hate the way my life has turned out. I keep trying to find answers as to what is causing my problems but so far, nothing is conclusive. I have tried and tried and tried to improve my quality of life. I graduated university, I became a teacher, I go to the gym regularly, I play football. But there is always part of me that doesn't feel right. I feel I am a shell of who I once was. I know what I used to feel like, how I was, who I was. But who I am now remains a mystery to me. If anyone has any handy tips, I'd be very grateful. P.s. Keep your chin up ihateweed89, I'm still going strong. You can too!

    • flexy123
      flexy123 nathan40159

      Posted

      Just to add....I know there MAY be some conditions where MJ helps. But this "medical marijuana" talk in the media right now is one of those things which really makes me angry. How many  people are *really* taking MJ for "medical" reasons? Biggest nonsense and self-delusion ever. Unless someone takes or smokes strains that only contain CBD, 99% of people who smoke do so to get high and to get stoned. You know this, I know this. Yes of course if you're so high you don't even remember your name "it helps against pain" or anxiety. Of course, if my mind is flying around Jupiter right now and I am literally "out of my mind" it "helps" against anxiety. So does hitting someone with a sledgehammer over the head or being uncsonscious. Don't get me wrong. I am VERY liberal and progressive. I don't care whether MJ is getting legalized and whatever substances people take. It's not me to judge if someone is volantarily wanting to mess up their brains. But I cannot tolerate how in the media MJ is portrayed as a "medicine" what in reality is a drug. People need to know what they get into when they take drugs. It's not for everyone. Think twice before you take them and don't take drugs "just because your friends take them" or someone makes you want to believe it's "medicine".
    • flexy123
      flexy123 nathan40159

      Posted

      The answer is that your problem(s) are caused by thinking about your problem(s). Like someone who is affected by panic and anxiety is not "in reality" affected by what could actually happen, but the anxiety from the anxiety. (Do you understand what I am saying?). When you have anxiety and panic attacks, say you are afraid that you would faint or getting a heart-attack...but then in reality this never happens...YET your problem is that your life is affected BY the anxiety *that*it could happen. This is the definition of what panic is. It's not "rational", yet it is affecting your life. My tip: You need to stop fearing the anxiety, because then the anxiety becomes pointless. Stop over-thinking your "condition" and focus on the positive things in your life, NOT the anxiety. This is all I can tell you.
    • mattoidicus
      mattoidicus nathan40159

      Posted

      It's believe it or not an actual growth of awareness that is quite shocking. The experience seems to over stimulate an experience of self. Alchohol is a disinhibitor right? At a party you have a drink and feel free to talk easier. I think alchohol can take the cannabis overstimulated part of the brain (over time and in moderation) down a few notches, back towards the ease of youthful operation. You got way way waaaaaay to stoned as well. It can be a positive experience. Has been sometimes for me. In truth you are not a different person to what you were. You have anxiety that you are, and you have increased awareness that looks for what you percieve you have lost. Learn to say f--k it. Say you don't care. Laugh, blow a few rasberries at it. It will become a dim and distant memory. You are still you and not only all that you were, but wiser, more experienced and aware. It's more a post traumatic stress situation than a chemical brain changer. Change your attitude and lighten up a bit about it (hard I know) and you will smile and say f--k me i'm still me, always was and now i've landed. It's not as bad as you think at all. Trust me I know.
    • unicornslayer
      unicornslayer mattoidicus

      Posted

      Trying to forget about it does help, but for me the improvement was just tepmorary. I guess it's like a phobia that gets planted deep inside your subconsciousness and that is what makes it so hard to let go and move on. I can to things normally, but it just doesn't feel right. Like just I'm pretending. No matter how hard I try not to think about it, it comes up because it's burried in my subconsciousness. plus sometimes I see these images, fleeting fractions of my memory that I have forgot about a long time ago. The harder I try to focus on now, the more I forget who I really am, what I want and lose perception of time. I always feel like i'm only thinking with 1% of my brain at a time and that I'm not fully awake. Like I can't see the whole picture. How long did it take you to totally recover? If you even did... And if it's a growth of awereness, why does it inhibit the use of some other parts of awereness? I'm probably over-analyzing this, but it really just goes away for awhile. 
    • TheBigJorkowski
      TheBigJorkowski unicornslayer

      Posted

      It will come and go dude, you may feel like crap for weeks and then feel ok for a week, and then find yourself in the hole again, wondering if you really felt better at all or it was just an illusion. Each time you land back in it it will get ever so slightly easier, and each time you come out of it you will feel slightly better each time, but it's almost microscopic. You'll probably look back in a few months and find that things that once felt awful don't effect you so much. It lessens over time. Like I said I'm still struggling, but when I think back to how bad I was, man I couldn't even bear to be alone at one point. The tiniest little thing like a breeze through the window felt like my skin was being stripped off. But you absolutely will reach at point where you still feel crappy, but it doesn't completely rule your life anymore. And then it starts to get easier and easier.
    • chris47605
      chris47605 flexy123

      Posted

      Yea, theres big talk in the UK about legalising weed now.

      Not a good idea, theres gonna be so many people suffering with DP. But you dont know how bad it is until you have had it.

    • austin94568
      austin94568 nathan40159

      Posted

      Where do I start.....I've felt this for over 3 months and never though about looking into it...I have now and I think I might be able to find help. But I'm so scared of telling my parents (I'm 18), I feel like they would change their view on me. I am so out of it and feel like I just watch my body do whatever without really thinking about it... I looked up my symptoms and it kept bringing me towards depersonalization...please help.

      -Austin

    • mattoidicus
      mattoidicus austin94568

      Posted

      I had it for 3 years at your age. I promise it goes. It absolutely does. Just wait. Hang on in there. You could get support as well, but it will definately go. I've known several who have had it for a while and then recovered. 3 months is nothing. Eat good food, do the gym, early nights, beer only if you go out. Study. Go through all the motions of 'normal' life. They will come back down to earth and be 'real' again. Without you being the observer. Just over stimulation of a certain part of the brain. It does right itself. Don't panic. Y'll be fine.
    • robell70
      robell70 austin94568

      Posted

      You may be physically addicted to nicotine and not realize it. Its in blunt rappers and if you dont smoke cigarette or vape pen youll get a "clogged" feeling in you head. When you starve your body of something it was used to you will feel a negative reaction regardless if you were addicted mentally or not (you liked it).
    • unicornslayer
      unicornslayer TheBigJorkowski

      Posted

      But I guess you never are comletely what you used to be. I sometimes can't even remember what I was like anymore. So I guess you have to completely change your way of thinking and also your lifestyle. 
    • chris47605
      chris47605 unicornslayer

      Posted

      The key is to heal the trauma....... yes you will never be the same person you were before. But you can be just as happy and just as content, if not more so. I healed with Trancendental Meditation. It really is the best thing you can do to regain a solid sense of self, and peace of mind. And it doesnt take long...... a few months.
    • TheBigJorkowski
      TheBigJorkowski unicornslayer

      Posted

      You can't see it now, I couldn't either. Your trying to force yourself to be a certain way. Wait till your brain heals a bit. You'll be able to think clearer and things will make more sense I promise. I really feel for you, it is a terrible way to feel. You will start trusting yourself against soon
    • unicornslayer
      unicornslayer austin94568

      Posted

      You have to stop forcing yourself to do stuff that hepls you cause if you do something just to get rid of something else you can't actually enjoy it. I am probably not much better as you are right now, but I know what I have to do. And it's really hard to actually do it. Don't force yourself to do everything at once. Try to actually see yourself as a person, and see how you get out of this mess. It's hard because now nothing else interests you, except for trying to get rid of this. I know you can't force yourself to have fun but at least try to not force yourself to desperatly try to solve this. I'm not sure if you get this, it's kinda complicated, but your brain has a need to solve the problem you are dealing with right now, that's why everything else is so blurry. try to think that you have other stuff to do and try to actually do it, not just walk around like a living dead person, feeling sorry for yourself, like I do most of the time. you have to get back on track of real life, don't let your mind trap you.
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