Married to a functioning alcoholic.
Posted , 13 users are following.
Please somebody help me. I have been married to my husband for 20 years. He has always enjoyed a drink, maybe 3/4 cans of lager after work, over the years it has increased to a bottle of wine and 4 cans every day. I worked out over a week he is having 100 units. His behaviour is disgusting, he's weed the bed, wet himself on the sofa, the list is endless. Myself and our boys have pleaded with him to stop, he won't admitt he has a problem. I've threatened to leave him and he'll go a couple of nights without drinking, but the excuses always creep back in. What do i do? I'm now on antidepressants and having councelling, I'm not sure i even love him anymore, please somebody help me.
2 likes, 98 replies
Misssy2 alice80348
Posted
I left someone after 22 years...you don't have many choices.
You actually have 2 choices
1. Stay with him..watch him kill himself..let him tear you and your family to pieces.
2. Leave him...learn how to live....be happier..and probably live longer.
I know that sounds very simple (to me). right?
I know it isn't simple...my mother has wanted to leave my father FOREVER..but financially they can not afford to seperate. So instead they stay together and both of them are killing themselves by doing that. I hate watching it and neither have a drug or alcohol problem so I assume your situation is much worse.
So...the solution for my parents has been lately to live together but seperately. My mother goes about her day and my father his.
What I am trying to say...is..if you can't move to option 2...find a way to leave him....than you are forced to do what my parents are doing..because you can not get him to stop drinking alcohol...he will not stop...until he is ready or he dies
sharon07214 Misssy2
Posted
Sorry Missy but every situation is different!
Try support groups first Alice!
First for support for you and the boys and they can help you get support for your husband!! At least worth a try before 'throwing in the towel' and condemning you all to a future of retribution/ guilt etc. You may feel so fed up now that you think you don't care! But I can see the love that is still there from your message! At least give it a go!! For your own sakes!! Xx
gwen45436 sharon07214
Posted
I agree, I have drank for 40 years but the last 6 months have been really bad. I could happily drink 2 bottles of wine each night or as Alice's husband does a bottle of wine and 4 cans. My husband hated it and says I talked rubbish during the evening (or broken biscuits!!). I have got myself out of it (counselling has been offered which is free where I am in UK) but have not taken it.
If my husband had given up on me and gone, I would not be here today, I would have gone for it big time. I am so glad he stuck around.
......................G.
alice80348 Misssy2
Posted
Thank you for your reply, I'm sorry to hear about your parents situation, it must be awful for you to see them like that.
You're right I do really only have 2 options, both frighten me to death, I so wish it was easier to walk away. I'm not a strong person, if only I was! X
Misssy2 alice80348
Posted
If you can't walk away...seek counseling to learn how to cope with this situation...always try to take care of you and the kids...FIRST.
its an awful way to live..I didn't realize all the pain I caused to my kids until I stopped drinking.
joel66 alice80348
Posted
tess33005 alice80348
Posted
Hi Alice,
I am in a similar situation, except my husband DOES admit to having AUD (Alcohol Use Disorder) and I still love him very much, as do our four children.
If you are absolutely sure that you don't love him at all any more, there is only one solution - divorce.
If you think that if he would admit to having AUD and would seek help, you would be prepared to stick around and help him, then I think you should go to Al-Anon, which is a support group for the families of people with AUD. You will get a lot of advice and support there. Just google it and find the nearest one to where you live.
The most important thing is for him to admit he has a problem. I wonder if he would go to a joint GP appointment with you? I do not believe that he himself doesn't know he has AUD. I think he knows perfectly well that he has, but is too ashamed to admit it.
If you want to send me a PM, please do.
This is a very difficult problem and you are quite clearly suffering as a result. Try to remember that he is suffering, too. He isn't being selfish - he has an illness, which is very difficult to treat.
I hope that he will admit to having this illness - probably he is already thinking ahead, about rehabs and having to learn to live without alcohol.
Go to youtube and watch Paul Turner Alcohol. I believe you will find it very helpful. It discusses something called The Sinclair Method (TSM) where the drinker takes some particular medications to stop cravings and help him or her to live their lives without alcohol.
Have you any idea why this started, Alice?
I am indeed sad that your whole family is suffering so much.
Love Tess xxxxxx
alice80348 tess33005
Posted
Thank you for your suggestions, I will defo have a watch of that on you tube this evening. His father is exactly the same as him, which is what terrifies me, I don't want to end up being married to someone like that in another 10/15 years. Trouble is he won't entertain going to the doctors or anything. I've left leaflets lying around about alcohol abuse and he doesn't even look at them, how on earth can i help a man that doesn't want it? X
ADEfree alice80348
Posted
The Sinclair Method might "lower the bar" for him. It kind of takes more of a Taoist approach and deals with the situation as it is. If he can't seem to stop drinking, that can be included in a way that uses the drinking against itself. Here's a write-up on it here on Patient:
https://patient.info/health/sinclair-method-for-alcohol-use-disorder
It's what I used and I was drinking over 80 beers per week. That decreased month by month and now I may drink one six pack per month, if that much. So, as long as he's going to be drinking anyway, we can take that as a given, flip it around and use it as a tool to decrease or end the drinking.
olivo alice80348
Posted
Hi Alice, your post seems to be overlooked by all the issues about websites etc.
I have been married to my alcoholic husband for 47 years, and wish I'd left him 25 years ago- because due to my bad health now, and financial reason, I can't now. His drinking has built up to a similar story to yours, only he also ides empty little water bottles all over the house, garage, and shed etc, (even in the big plant outside front door -where he can "take out the rubbish" or "walk the dog" -and have his swigs on the way back, foiund these bottles in shoes, coat pockets, under the pillows in the spare bedrooms etc etc, He used to admit he had a problem and cry, NOW, he's arrogant, angry, abusive to me, and once when I poured his half empty bottle of wine down the sink, slapped me so hard, my glasses flew across the floor- and once when I tried to steer him into bed, before he fell down, pushed me backwards, so I fell and broke my wrist. Of course, it's all my fault, (for pouring the booze, and I should have left him to fall!!) Now he says he enjoys a "few beers" ! and a glass of wine with his meal" WHAT!! 6 beers and a bottle of wine! And a few slugs of vodka, ....been through the peeing the bed, the DT's, and the falling down - he's 69 for goodness sake, and has no dignity, he now stinks of alcohol all the time, it's in his skin. My advice, get out now, it will only get worse. He did counselling a few years ago, but admits now he drank all the way through it. He has become- in his own words- devious, and deceitful, and happily agrees when I call him an alcoholic. So take your kids, and leave him to his drinking.
tess33005 olivo
Posted
Hi Olivo, I remember you posting about this before. I have, as you can see, suggested divorce if Alice truly feels she can't go on any longer.
I also said that if there was a chance for their marriage, that there were things she could do.
She has to make her own decision and it isn't an easy one.
You yourself are having a really terrible time. Is there no way at all that you could leave your husband? Can't you go to a domestic violence centre and let them help you?
Nobody should put up with domestic violence, whether they are women or men. I understand that it seems a big step to take, to go to a domestic violence centre, but I do believe they could help you to leave your abusive husband and advise you on your rights regarding housing and benefits etc.
Sorry things are so bad for you, Olivo.
Lots of love from Tess
olivo tess33005
Posted
Hi Tess, I live in Spain, and there really isnt that much that they can help me with here, there is no financial help and domestic violence centres house much younger women, not a 68yr old pensioner, who has had 3 heart attacks, 1 stroke, and has limited mobility. Husband knows I rely on him for transporting me to hospital appointments, lifting shopping etc, and isn't drunk 24/7....but does drink EVERY day, (usually starts late afternoon, till he is in a stupor around 8pmish, then goes too bed, with a can of beer! The reason I threw away the wine that was left in the bottle at night, is because he puts it in the fridge door, and has it in the morning! I hate the days when he starts with alchol for breakfast. He has this trick of asking me "Anything we need to do today?"...and if I say no, nothing, that is his green light to go ahead and drink, as he knows there is no driving involved. I cant even invite anyone over for a meal etc, as I cant plan for the state he'll be in, so although I have been married for 47 years, its a lonely life, I wouldnt wish that on Alice !!I
I personally just do NOT understand why somene would want to drink themselves into a sleeping stupor?!?! What is the point? If I have a drink, and it is extremely rare now, I drink to enjoy the company, sing a bit, talk nonsense, and laugh- HE just drinks to pass out?? Yes, Tess ,things are really bad, and there's no way out for me, (I am supposed to have a bypass, but have refused, as I cant rely on him for aftercare. I was in hospital for 10 days in Feb after another heart attack/and stent surgery, and he managed to crawl in 3 times to visit me, so hungover I was mortified to have him there.
tess33005 olivo
Posted
Oh, Olivo!
What an awful situation! Can't you come back to the UK and stay with relatives and get this sorted out here?
I feel terrible for you and I wouldn't wish that on Alice, either.
My heart goes out to you.
Much love,
Tess xxxxxxx
vickylou olivo
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vickylou
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vickylou
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of a discussion. It's the first time she's been brave enough to join
vickylou
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vickylou
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vickylou olivo
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No wonder she's not replied, she probably thinks we're a load of nutters
olivo vickylou
Posted
ADEfree olivo
Posted
Olivo, does your husband ever talk about wanting to stop? I ask because there's a very good way he can reduce his drinking or even stop and the medication required is over the counter in Spain. Have a look at this:
https://patient.info/health/sinclair-method-for-alcohol-use-disorder
Some people get overcome by the power of alcohol and it hijacks a part of the brain that can compel them to drink against their conscious will, against reason, against logic. He's not doing it to cause problems for you, he just can't overcome the powerful compusion. This is very, very common with people that have Alcohol Use Disorder.
alice80348 olivo
Posted
Hi olive, I'm so sorry to hear your situation, sounds dreadful, it's so hard isn't it? Trouble is it's not easy to walk away either. My oh has never hidden alcohol that I know of, I'd be able to tell anyway if he'd been drinking, I know the signs so well. He gets home from work, has tea with wine of course then carries on with beers, falls asleep on the settee, many times the alarm clock has gone off and he's still downstairs asleep from his drinking, gets changed and goes to work, he must be over the limit most days. Only Sunday night I'd come home from work to find him asleep after his boozing, he woke up to go to the toilet, which he thought was behind my living room curtains! The man disgusts me, his behaviour is appalling. X